There have been so many pro and con letters in my email box about sports for kids that I’m tempted to buy a pair of boxing gloves and have readers square off. Fortunately, the letters have not been acrimonious in nature, and we have been able to have a civilized discussion even though people’s experiences and viewpoints vary greatly.

Once again, these are in no particular order. And once again, I must admonish all of you to PLEASE REFRAIN FROM WRITING ANY MORE LETTERS ON THIS SUBJECT. In fact, any more letters you write are probably never going to be seen by me because I’m zipping off for vacation. So even if you have something wonderful and creative to add, I’m afraid it’s everlastingly too late — at least for this topic.

Here is this week’s batch of letters, the first of which involves a sad story from parents who are lifelong sports enthusiasts. In fact, the father was a Rugby League footballer in Australia until the age of 36, so his passion for sports is deeper than most of ours.

We believe your article is very timely and may we add a warning note to all parents who are dedicated to seeing their children achieve in an activity that dies after their children reach a mature age and are physically incapable of achieving success in any athletic field.

Our fine son, at the age of 15, turned his entire sporting activity to cycling. He stopped playing any football and concentrated on cycle racing, both on the road and track, to the extent of becoming one of the top 10 professional cyclists in Australia.

We would transport him to various venues, even on the Sabbath, in the hope that he would catch the vision of the value of dedicating his life to the Lord.

He refused to attend church because the Sabbath was a day for training along with hundreds of other pro cyclists along the country roads.

I suppose one of the worst experiences I had was the day I transported him to a training track where, within earshot, I was treated to an outpouring of his vilest language in the company of other cyclists.

As the years passed by he lived in sin, having divorced his wife, until one day he returned to church, found it too hard, so returned to his former lifestyle — riding again with the veterans, again achieving acclamation for his prowess.

Near the end of his life (he was dying of cancer), he ordered us out of the house on the basis of being hypocrites.

On his death we visited his remains to witness a facetwisted up with anger, a sad sight indeed. Subsequently we had his temple work done, never certain of whether or not this work would be acceptable to him on the other side of the veil.

My wife and I and our other children have been dedicated members since the day the Lord directed his missionaries to our home to pluck us out of the morass of sin and iniquity that was our lot at the time of our conversion.

May this epistle aid someone whose child wishes to live on the dark side. Eventually all sport dies a natural death when age advancing age prohibits these so-calledgood activities, which are none other than tools of Satan designed to take both old and young away from our true purpose on earth.

Keith and Joan Stringer
Melbourne, Victoria, Australia

What a powerful story, Keith and Joan! The thing that touched me was that you really were trying to do the best for your son, and you were engaging him in a wholesome activity. Your letter really does illustrate Elder Oaks’ concept of good, better, best (http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,49-1-775-38,00.html). Thanks so much for sharing your experience with us.

I don't know as I have any quick answer, but I do find solace in others’ experiences, so I am happy to share some of my own.

I was raised on the story of an immigrant man working in the shipyards. Schedules got busy, so they asked everyone to work Sundays. He declined. When confronted with losing his job, he simply commented that the Savior had died for him, he imagined that he and his familycould go a little hungry for the Savior.

We know so many Mormon sportsters in the professional arena. And yet sometimes I wonder, what was that guy’s name who declined to be drafted from BYU to the NFL, because of Sunday play? Nowthat isa name I should and need to commit to memory.Or the New Zealand soccer-playing convert, whose refusal to play caused a whole nation to change their soccer schedule.

I suppose I like those two stories because one time it worked out (the nation changed), and sometimes they don't change (NFL still plays on Sundays), but both were willing to give it all up, lay it on the line, let it go. In the case of the New Zealand athlete, it was only then that the miracle happened. The nation changed. (I suspect that miracles happened in the other person's life, but we just don't have national TV picking that one up.) There are reams of lessons there about having a witness after the trial of your faith, and "but if not" we will still believe and obey and trust that it is for the best.

The day that we base our parenting decisions on what our kids want will be a sad day indeed. I do see a lot of sadness out there. Being in the middle of parenting (five kids, 5-17), I have come to a point that I simply try to check in with the "coach" as to what I should be doing, and do it, regardless of what the kids say. In my house, we don't play Sunday sports. When my children start their own homes, I suppose they can do what they want.

Sometimes we have been tempted to fudge a little, but then realize that one kid walking outside the line drags Mom and Dad outside the line (will your same guilt about holding them back now compel you that you should be there supporting them in their efforts at the expense of your own Sabbath experience?), and then proceeds to drag yet others out as well. I do not sit them down and force them to read their scriptures all day on Sunday, but neither do I have to allow things that are distracting, both to them, and to the family, from at least having that opportunity of a Sabbath experience.

I had a son who liked ice hockey, played a couple years, and then it was time to move up to the traveling league (which was a lot of travel — not just Sundays), and about $400 of equipment just to start with. One thing that helped me resolve that was when I asked him, "Son, Mom and I will pay for half your hockey, and I'll find something you can do around here to pay for the other half. Do you want to play hockey next year?" He didn't even hesitate! "No way! If I had that much money I would spend it on a paint ball gun!"

Just because he might have been the next Wayne Gretsky, does that mean I should have sacrificed all? Life is about odds. Odds are about 240,000 to one that a high school boy will be an NFL player, probably worse for hockey.

One final story I have always liked was abouta former player for BYU, turned NFL. And if it is apocryphal, well then, the principles are still true.Apparently the story goes that while he explained to his kids that he had to work on Sunday in the NFL, they encouraged their own kids not to. But, the proverbial day came for the baseball-playing son when both first and back-up pitchers were sick, and it was the playoff championship game — the whole enchilada — on a Sunday. The son had agency, chose to play because he felt the team needed him and...

I don't even remember whether they won or lost. Doesn't really matter, does it?Only that the son felt prettydown still, and asked his dad why that was. They went to the ball park, and observed the noisy fans. Went to another empty ball park and felt the silence, and peace. Using the Doctrine and Covenants scripture about receiving a fullness of blessings from Sabbath day observance, the father explained to the son that you cannot have both. While he, the father, was “justified” in working on the Sabbath as was required of him by his employer, it did not mean that he received a fullness of Sabbath-day blessings. What I admired that about that account, was that he didn't try to make it sound like since he was justified, he got all the blessings anyway.

If I don't go to the temple, regardless of the excuse, I do not have a temple experience — even if it is because I was home teaching. If I do not pay my tithing, regardless of how poor I am, or that I lost it, or anything, I do not receive the blessings of tithing. If I do notkeep the Sabbath day, regardless of if I am justified in it due to employment, it does not mean I still receive the blessings anyway, it just means it's not held against me, but I will have to “catch up” somehow, if that is really even possible, if I want to get what I missed out on.

Last but not least, having held the line on some things, and endured severe unpopularity with my kids, the months and years go on and we are just beginning to see glimmers of changes and opportunities that they would not have had if we had not held the line on the Sabbath as well as many other gospel principles. At the time, all I had was my own conviction of what was right, and what "my" house was about. Sometimes it is hardfor me to bethe parent. But, then again, it is in those times that I have a greater desire to get close to the coach, the Savior, so, in the end, I guess I am grateful for the challenge of raising kids today.

Sterling

Thanks for sharing your experiences, Sterling. What I really liked about your letter was the part about only receiving certain blessings if you have kept the commandment that the blessing was predicated upon (your second-to-last paragraph; I’m trying not to use words like penultimate in this column). I’ve heard that before, but you said it best.

I also liked what you said about the cascading effect on a family when one child is involved in sports on Sunday. If that child participates, it’s not just the child. Often at least one parent and other children go along to support the player, and the whole family loses the blessings of the Sabbath.

Read on for yet another personal experience:

I'd like to respond to the question; should we let our children play sports on Sunday, with a personal story.

My oldest son was very tall at a young age and very athletic. He naturally gravitated toward basketball, and became quite a good player. While in grade school and even junior high, there was no real pressure to play tournament games on Sundays. But as he got older, the pressure increased.

In high school he played on a club team that often traveled over the weekends. I knew that he had a very good chance of getting an athletic scholarship and felt pressured by coaches, my son and even my own desires, to let him participate with his club team on Sundays. I allowed him to participate in Sunday tournaments, fearing that he would not receive a scholarship if he didn't.

My son was offered a full athletic scholarship at a much respected university and started as the center his freshman year. He had always planned to go on his mission and told the recruiters so. When he turned 19, however, he decided he couldn't take the two years off from school. He was afraid he'd lose his starting position. At the time I was very upset with his decision but later realized that years earlier I had taught him that basketball was more important than his spiritual wellbeing. I regret the decision to let him play sports on Sundays and will not make that decision with my younger children.

Michelle Hanna

Thanks for reminding us, Michelle, that giving a child what he wants is not necessarily the same as giving him what he needs. I’m sorry you had to learn that lesson the hard way, but that seems to be the way we all learn best.

Read on for a letter from a mother who has a creative way to keep the television turned off of sports on Sundays:

With the ease of recording a game on Sunday to play later, amyriad of possibilities for children and parents to share the game present themselves. Plan a Family Home Evening activity with hot dogs and sodas, friends over for the game and popcorn, individual game time, and other activities. Since you can fast-foreword through non-active times, you can watch the games more easily.

Life is full of choices. Take time and opportunity to determine which are truly important and which are of passing importance. My children often found that the games they thought were of serious importance were the biggest letdowns.

Popcorn Lady

Ain’t technology grand, Popcorn Lady? You really can make televised Sunday games an adventure for another day if you put your mind to it. The only possible downside is if Dad finds out around the Monday morning water cooler that his favorite team suffered an ignominious defeat on Sunday afternoon. Bummer.

I have many feelings regarding this issue. I am raising a family of six children in a suburb of Philadelphia, and it is really difficult to have children participate in sports around here and not play on Sunday. In our neighborhood, most boys play football and baseball, and most of the girls cheer and play softball. At the elementary level, there are always a few games scheduled on Sundays.

When our kids joined the local leagues, we simply talked with our children about what is appropriate and what isn't on the Sabbath. They were very understanding at that level and age. And we told the coaches we wouldn't be at any Sunday games or practices. No big deal.

As the children aged, however, there were more and more sports on Sunday. My husband and I let the kids know our expectations, and we taught them what the Gospel said about the Sabbath. We made sure we lived our standards, and we let the kids choose. However, we also told them that we wouldn't be available to drive them to any sports activities on Sunday because we didn't think it was right to do so.

We've had a differing degree of responses from our children about activities on the Sabbath. One child chose to participate in cheerleading, and arranged all her own rides on Sundays. Other children have simply not signed up for sports. One daughter didn't participate in basketball because all of her games would have been on Sunday. She was subsequently "left behind" and not as well trained as other girls her age and wasn't able to make future teams. She was sad about that, but has developed other talents that have enriched her life in far more ways than basketball could have.

My teenage son is in Civil Air Patrol, and asked me a few days ago if I would drive him to a first aid class on Sunday morning. I told him my car was going to church because that's where Heavenly Father wants us to be. Sunday morning came, and he didn't get ready for church by the time we were supposed to leave, so we left without him. I assumed he was going to his first aid activity, but just before sacrament meeting started, he came into the chapel and sat with us. I was surprised, and so pleased with him. I was so much more proud of him for making that decision on his own, than if I had forbidden him to go to the other event and demanded church attendance.

It's hard on us as parents to see our children struggle with the choice between popularity, participation and Church standards. I agree that it's terribly hard on the kids to be left out if they make the choice not to play, but that's part of the gospel. We are here on earth to see how we will respond to different situations.Some kids are confronted with issues and decisions before we think they are ready to handle them, but I think and have seen that if parents teach their kids well, set a good example, and let the children choose for themselves, the kids will learn to make decisions for themselves and learn the consequences of exercising agency. In the future, it will be easier for them to make choices that please their Heavenly Father.

Jill

Thanks for sharing your success story, Jill. You’ve just hit upon one of the hardest things in life — letting the people under your stewardship make their own choices, even when those choices may be the wrong ones. That’s a nail-biter for me, and I can only imagine how hard it is for a parent! At least this time it had a happy ending.

I have struggled with this and similar issues regarding the Sabbath and my children. The answer is simple: If children were raised in the church, then there would not be an issue. However, the temptations of the world are very difficult to resist. The arguments are logical. Plus there is the nonmember friend effect, peer pressure and even parental peer pressure on them and us.

This dilemma reminds me of something Joseph Smith once said, “I teach them correct principles and they govern themselves.” This applies to all of us and especially our children. If we teach them correct principles, then they will be more apt to choose the right. And if they don’t, why would we stand in the way of their free agency?

I would not be as willing — or able — to help them if they make the wrong choices, but I would be prudent about their safety and even wish them well. I know that after attending church regularly as a family it is hard for even one to be missed, and that street goes both ways. This is another reason why all you Primary and Sunday School teachers out there need to love and cherish your students. Love them, teach them so that they will want to come and they will miss it when they are not there. Still, every once in a while, one child needs to test the rules or just feel some freedom. There are lessons about natural consequences and sometimes all you can do is love them, but make sure they know it.

I had these issues with my children because I was not a valiant priesthood holder. I didn’t obey the commandments and looked for loopholes in the laws set forth by the prophets. And if you are like I was, then I would have to recommend abiding by their decisions and start being the example now. If they are not yet eight, then start now to bring the Church into your home. Start praying together as a family. Get caught praying by adding personal prayers as part of your daily routine. Obey the commandments and teach you children the ways of the Lord before it is too late. If it already is, you can still be the example from now on. Start today and be valiant in your efforts. If church attendance is a habit, it becomes very hard to break.

If you are thinking to yourself that none of this applies to you or your situation, then you need a wake-up call. The gospel is simple and if you love it, it shows so that even a little child can see it. I see it every Sunday in my ward and I miss it when I am not there. Reevaluate what you do and the example you are to your children. If you have teenagers, then ask them the hard questions about you. From my experience they never had a problem telling me what they thought I was doing wrong. And most of the time they were right.

David Smith
Broomfield, Colorado

Thanks for your first-person experience, David. Your last paragraph reminds me of something I recently read on the internet. The advice was to ask the people around you, “How am I doing?” If we get in the habit of asking the people around us that question, we might all be in for wake-up calls. Teenagers are notorious for telling us exactly what they think.

Since we are all likely committed churchgoers, and will be so for the foreseeable future (maybe even beyond this life?), I think it is important that we apply that eternal perspective to sports. What are the real-life chances that these children/youth will participate in sports beyond their teen years? (And that is barring the very possible sports injuries that occur when we push our children too hard.)

How much will playing soccer (or some other sport) contribute to their church experience, once they've moved on to something else, like college, careerand then raising their own children? Church is forever and everything else is temporary, right?

Although I think there are many valuable, even gospel-type lessons to be learned from the sports experience, we have to ask what lesson do our children (and by extension their children) learn if you make an exception to one of the Ten Commandments because they have a talent, or they really like it, or the team is depending on them. The only lesson I see is that God's commandments areexpendable if something else is given preference, or external pressure is applied to do so.

Our kids have all played soccer, and we have been pressured by coaches and other parents to give in, "just this once." Fortunately we drew the line at the beginning of this venture, and taught our children from the youngest ages that there isn't any wiggle room with regards to Sabbath observance.

I very kindly inform every coach at the outset of the year, we do not play on Sunday.It won't matter if her/she is the star player, or ifit is the championship game or if you're short a player. I tell them if they want to they are welcome to switch them to another team, or kick them out now, but we don't play on Sunday. At the beginning of the season, it is always just fine.

Even though we've been through this conversation, we have been asked to bend and make an exception almost every year, post-season. For the past two years our son has been on the team in the big final regional game, which has inevitably been on a Sunday. As a result of not being there, he hasn't had his picture in the newspaper or been there for all of the excitement with his teammates. Fortunately he's been okay with it, knowing he's where he should have been, worshipping the Lord, Whom we sincerelytry to place first in all we do as a family.

Keeping the commandments also sends a message to the soccer community. Although I try not to make a big deal out of it, or draw attention to our absence,we have had otherparents who have said that because of our stand they have greater respect for our church, and they have tried to focus more on their family on Sundays as well.

From what the prophets have told us, the most important thingour children andyouth can learn in this life is to Love God with all their heart, and to keep His commandments:

Deuteronomy 5:12-15
Observe the Sabbath day and keep it holy, as the LORD your God commanded you.

Six days you shall labor and do all your work. But the seventh day is a Sabbath to the LORD your God; you shall not do any work — you, or your son or your daughter...

Could that be any clearer? I don't see a lot of room for caveats:

Observe the Sabbath Day: as long as it is convenient, or if your child isn't a high achiever and very passionate about his sport.

In my experience over the years, this one commandment seems to separate the wheat from the chaff.

As far as kids being bitter about it, I realize that I may be painting an idealistic picture, but usually the fruit doesn't fall too far from the tree. If parentskeep the Sabbath and are calling it a delight, then generally the children will likely want to follow that example and will find true, and everlasting joy.

On another soccer vs. commandment issue, two years ago we had offered to host the end-of-season party at our home. After they won the big game, one of the parents called and said,"We allknow you're Mormon, and so I am just calling as a courtesy so you're aware, but we plan to bring champagne to celebrate the big championship win." I told her thank you for calling, because that actually wouldn't be ok. She responded, "We really don't know how else to celebrate — you don't have to drink it, or serve it, or buy it. What's the big deal letting us celebrate? We are all so excited!" I told her it would be fine to have the partysomewhere else.It ended up being here, and alcohol-free.Some commented that it was the most fun they'd had in a very long time, and that without the bubbly they actually remembered having a fun time.

Another parent told me that she really felt it was inappropriate to drink around a team of young boys anyway, but she didn't want to say anything to the rest of the parents. She said she was glad I stood up for my beliefs. She said it had convinced her that next time she would speak her mind because it was the right thing, and in the hopes it would help someone else to stand up as well.

I hope we all "Aim High," as we were told in conference this weekend.

Aiming

Thanks for sticking to your guns, Aiming. It’s important to realize that people are always watching us, and that we’re always setting an example — either a good example, or a bad one.

Our four boys always knew, accepted and respected that Sunday was the Sabbath. As they got involved in sports, they let their coach know up front that they would not be playing on Sunday. Theygot both grief and respect because of their decision. I'm still proud of them.

Happy Mom
Delaware

Thanks, Happy, for your brief words of wisdom. It is good of you to teach them correct principles and then let them fight their own battles (with you standing behind them for support).

My children are all grown but recently we had a lesson in Relief Society about setting prioritiesand the importance of protecting our family time together. Severalsisters stated it was difficult to findtimetogetherand to schedule all the "clubs" and school team practices/games.

Another sister had listened to all the comments and stated at the end of the lesson that she wanted to sharean observation. She had listened tothe various comments made and said she had nothing against sports or athletes, but it was interesting that all the comments made by the sistershad to do with athletics. People were not complaining that music lessons were taking up all their family time! Interesting.

Another time when my boy was junior high age, I told him andhis coach hewould not be able to play baseball games on Sunday.The coach respected that decision, living in a non-Mormon area,but saw me a week or twolater and wanted to talk. Heasked,if I didn't want my boy playing team baseball on Sunday, why were my sonand a couple of his friends playing ball for fun the next Sunday at the ball field.Oops ... I really learned a lesson that day! One cannot have two sets of rules.

I had to be taught by a non-member

I'm glad you allowed yourself to learn from a nonmember. Sometimes people we consider to be clueless are the ones who give us the hints.

As for the sports issue, read on for a letter that reminds us that “Sunday sports” aren’t always sports at all, and they may not even occur on a Sunday to cause harm:

My parents-in-law sent your story and asked if we had a response. Our situation is a little bit different but the question is still the same and I believe the answer is the same.

Our children are musical and we introduced them to strings in kindergarten. They all enjoyed their time at school playing music during school hours at a fine arts school. As they got older, they were invited and auditioned for a youth orchestra program. We felt as parents we were doing it all the right way, involving them in the arts, letting them choose one sport if they wished to get some team experience (nothing serious, just for exercise and coordination).

This all worked out smoothly. Nothing took over our lives or caused imbalance until they reached the level of skill to be in the symphony, which practiced on Monday nights. We handled the early group fine and got home in time to do a rushed FHE, but we did it (patting ourselves on the back)! Our older daughter missed FHE, though, because her group practiced till 8:30.

We did not change our FHE to Sunday as some do, because we have been asked to have FHE on Monday, not Sunday, and I believe there was a good reason. As I would drive down to pick her up, I would give her the lesson in the car, thinking this was an acceptable compromise and she was still getting the message. She played at Carnegie Hall last year, but I would have gladly traded that for hearing her bear her testimony from the pulpit.

We have had some very serious struggles with this daughter, who now does not wish to attend church and complains that everything we do and say is "religious." Well, frankly, it is, and that is a good thing. We are not overbearing, but we are firm and undaunted in our observance of FHE, scripture study, Sabbath observance and family prayer (which she seldom participates in now that she is nearly 18 and plans to move out in a few weeks). She still plays the cello beautifully, and is still in the orchestra, but has lost something much more precious and lasting. It was not worth it. I repeat — it was not worth it!

Our children, some who have played strings for 10 years, are now taking piano lessons with me. We have a great teacher who comes to our home and gives five of us piano lessons. We are all learning rapidly and can even play some hymns for church. They play cello duets and will share that talent when ever asked and when they do go to college (hopefully BYU), they will be able to again participate in an orchestra program again. For now though, we are developing other talents and do not miss the orchestra activities at all. The rest of our children are strong, happy to be valiant and thriving. No wonder — we gave up something good for something better. I have heard that somewhere recently. It’s great advice to follow.

My response to sports would be the same as it is to music. What do we really want — a famous athlete or a valiant missionary?

Given the choice I would choose the valiant missionary. If the Lord's will for the child is to be a famous athlete (or musician), He will certainly open the way after we have done all that we can do to prepare the child spiritually to do what the Lord asks. Put it in His hands knowing you have been obedient and are worthy for the blessing (if being famous really is a blessing — the jury is out on that one).

Mechel Wall

Thanks for sharing your experience with us, Mechel. It’s sobering to be reminded that our compromises can often have serious ramifications.

The Sabbath day needs to be emphasized from the very beginning of a child's life. Priorities should be set and adhered to by the parents (consistency). Implementing a Sabbath Day policy anytime after early childhood could prove to be difficult for the parents, but not impossible.

Children also can use their free agency to go against the parents.This isa fact of life. Guilt from the parent may or may not work (it usually doesn't)but if the parent is loving and sets a good example chances are the child will choose the right — eventually.

Past Soccer, Baseball, Football, Gymnastics, Drama, Cross Country Mom with No Professional Athletes in the Family but Many (not all)Faithful Sabbath Day Observers

Wow, Past. That’s the longest signature anyone has ever sent me. Your name takes more letters than Mahonri Moriancumr’s.

What you say is right, though. We shouldn’t despair if children are making incorrect choices now. If we continue to set loving examples for them, they may come back at some point in the future.

About five years ago I told a woman that I agreed with a parenting expert I had seen on TV, who said that parents should make all decisions for children until they are 16 years-old. I told this friend that I thought this was a great idea.

"Oh, no," she said. "Once your children have been baptized and received the gift of the Holy Ghost, you let them make their own decisions." She warned that this might be hard to watch them do, because they will sometimes make bad choices, but that is how they learn to properly exercise their free agency.

I have tried to follow this within reason. Going to a wild party is not something I would stand back and watch my teenagers decide to do;but whether or not they go to Church or mutual or play sports on Sundays or go on out-of-town shopping trips on Sunday with a friend, as was the case once, we let them make those decisions.

I think we members of the Church sometimes forget that the gospel of Jesus Christ is a gospel of free agency; and it is not a free agency that should only be used once they graduate high school. They have to be allowed to choose good or bad, so that they can eventually learn for themselves what they value and believe. For some, choosing good or the right is easy and natural, while for others it is not.

Our just-turned-fifteen-year-old daughter was less-active for a few months. When she decided not to go to church anymore,we knew that it was important that she know the decision was hers and that this was her journey of faith — notmom’s or her dad’s.We assured her that we loved her and supported her in this journey, no matter what she chose. She is now back to church. Though she has no testimony or interest in getting one, I am sure thatwe averted much bitterness by leaving her free agency in her hands, not mom’s and dad's.

If a child is faced with the decision of playing sports on Sundays, lovingly remind them what your standards are and what the Church standards are, and then let them choose.

Michelle Babcock
La Grande, Oregon

I’m glad to see you’re still using the term “free agency,” Michelle, instead of the currently politically correct “agency.” The choice is free, you see — it’s the consequences that cost us so much.

We always let the coach know right up front at the beginning of the season that we, as a family, do not participate in sports on Sundays. This doesn't resolve all problems however, because we've gotten a lot of bitterness from other parents who feel that we're "letting the team down" by not playing on Sundays.

However, even though that's our family policy, our children are able to make their own choices. My oldest son, a high school athlete, has never played on Sunday, whereas my daughter, also in high school, has played on Sunday on a few occasions. However, when my daughter has chosen to play, she has to find her own ride to and from, and we do not attend the game. She is learning slowly that the feelings she gets when playing on Sundays aren't as great as the feelings she has when she chooses to keep the Sabbath Day holy.

Another issue we've come across is that there are members in our ward and stake who do choose to play. We, who don't play, get the backlash of, "Well, so and so is a Mormon, and they play on Sundays, so why can'tyou?" This givesus a wonderful opportunity to bear testimony of the Sabbath Day, remind them that it's not a "Mormon" thing, but one of the Ten Commandments — commandmentsthat apply to all people, especially all Christians. We don't use the watered-down excuse of "Sunday is a family day," or "We don't do things like that on Sundays." We proudly say, "In our family, we honor the Sabbath Day and keep it holy."

In an ideal world,if all of us Mormons and commandment observing Christians would band together and not play on Sundays, there wouldn't have to be sports on Sunday, because team organizers would be forced toschedule games on other days.There is great strength in numbers, if we would just choose to stick together.

It's a sticky subject, and we need to remember not to judge those who choose to play sports on Sundays. Nevertheless, those who do choose to play need to know that their choices make it that much more difficult for those who don't.
OC to AZ

You make a good point, OC, that church members should by no means be the only ones who aren’t running around treating Sundays like any other day of the week. This should certainly be a case where people should be able to band together and effect a policy change.

Here’s a letter from a mom who has chosen a different path:

I see both sides. I have a teenage son who plays TravelIce Hockey. A lot of our games are on Sunday, and we travel too. My son is very good and can get a scholarship and maybe play in the NHL someday. It is a line we walk.

I feel like I do the best I can. We go to church when we can, plus we’re active in the youth, scouts, scout camp, and so on. If we can go to an earlier meeting or one in another city we try. Our son knows the Sabbath and he knows that church is important. I am a convert. I grew up not going to church every Sunday, and I am okay.

I do believe (and so does my son) that being around these boys on Sunday or even Wednesday when youth activities are going on is a chance for them to see his good example that they might not see. He is a captain and a leader. He speaks of prayer and of church too. They see he is a good kid. We are not perfect and we struggle, but I feel like we are doing our best at this timein our life.

We have kids in college at BYU and I feel like we have done okay so far. I am not going to tell anyone to keep their child out of church, but for mine it has been okay up until now.

Texas Hockey Mom

Thanks for writing, Texas. Your son sounds like a good boy who is trying to set a good example. Drop me a line in a year or two and let us know how it all turned out!

I've got seven daughters. Two did very well in track at our high school and one played soccer. Our high school coach was LDS. Tuesday night is mutual night and one night when it was hot he told the girls they would practice at 7 the next evening when it would be cooler. My daughter told him no, it was mutual night and they all needed to be there. He started to argue and she once again told him no. No other girls backed her up and they were all LDS.

That night he told his wife what had happened, and she backed up my daughter. Needless to say, they had soccer practice in time to be at mutual.

Kids are way too involved in sports. Children should be allowed to try different things, and at young ages it should be for fun only. If children are taught from a very young age that sports are for the other days of the week they should be fine. My girls still say the best thing they ever did was make Sunday a family and special day. We didn't sit around and read scriptures all day but everyone had a chance to play games together, read, visit relatives and go to church.

Who are we worried about offending here? It doesn't seem like God is in the equation at all. Sometimes kids need to be told "no."

Jane Gibby

You must be proud, Jane, to have a daughter with the courage to stand up to her soccer coach — an LDS soccer coach, no less. It is obvious that she was taught right from wrong at a very early age, and that you practice what you preach.

Read on for the thoughts of a former professional coach, who has set down some thoughtful guidelines for children and sports:

I played sports from my youngest days through college (football and track — go Cougars!) and beyond. I coached kids’ sports for many years and was the high school soccer coach of a parochial school that really liked to win. I refereed for pay for many years. I've thought about, talked about and acted on this issue for many years as a parent, coach and youth leader. My thoughts are:

1. Sports should be fun, safe and fair. We teach and learn valuable principles through sports. We ought to let kids enjoy the experience. I have seen much of burn out in kids with talent who left team sports because of the pressure and expectations of their (perhaps) well-meaning parents who thought that success was winning or overachieving or meeting a standard that was implied by their view of the sports world. In fact, few kids play team sports, beyond recreational, fun leagues, beyond high school if they stay that long. Children's bodies and interests develop at different rates. Let the kids indicate when they are ready for team sports. My feeling is that parents should protect their kids from the pressure — not add to it. I don't think there is an advantage in hiring personal trainers and in beginning play at an early age (before ten years old, for example). Let them find their own level of interest and have a good time doing it. And protect them from having to make adult choices about Sunday play.

2. Sports are just not that important. Sports are organized activities for fitness, socialization, competition and recreation. Is there any game that should take priority over keeping a covenant? What is the priority for Sunday? To be worthy of entering the temple we must certify we attend our sacrament and, if male, priesthood meetings. Shouldn't we teach that as the priority from the earliest ages? I believe it is the parents’ job to demonstrate love by defining boundaries. For example, in our family we will follow the prophets' instruction to attend church every Sunday and to not attend games. Can we compartmentalize our Sabbath worship to include athletic competition? Can a parent teach effectively the priority of honoring our religious, moral commitments and ignore Sabbath worship? Each of our five children had to struggle with this question. I know it is tough to be chided by teammates and coaches that skipping a Sunday game is letting down the team — especially when it involves a championship. But is that not the very struggle we were sent here on earth to overcome? What a great opportunity for a parent to teach priority and to shower love and encouragement on the child who is struggling with the question of Sunday practice or play. We found it pretty simple to just make it clear to coaches that Sunday play is not an option and live with that choice.
   
   I don't mean to judge good people who are elite LDS athletes and who have chosen to compete on Sunday (like Danny Ainge, Dale Murphy or Gifford Nielson). But Sunday play is a problem for LDS kids just as Saturday play is for Jewish or Seventh Day Adventist kids. Let them make those choices when they understand the ramifications better — say, in post-teen years when they have learned to recognize the Spirit and to make wise choices. I am grateful I was able to resist the temptation to take lucrative referee assignments on Sundays and that my kids understood why we chose to worship not play on Sunday.

3. Sports are a great venue for family bonding. If we work to create a safe, fun, ambiguity-free sporting environment for our kids, they can learn valuable life skills such as fitness, acceptance of success and failure with equanimity and dignity, enduring difficult work, pain and practice to achieve worthwhile goals, enduring friendships, and personal choice and accountability. We can also teach them patience and humility as they have to wait for the right time to play.

Now our kids are grown, I don't look back and wish they had played a Sunday game. I am grateful that they learned the value of Sabbath worship and to stand firm in that principle during their sports career.

Former Coach

Thanks for a great list of things to think about, Coach. One thing you didn’t add was the physical toll on children of playing contact sports. Just yesterday we went home teaching to a sports fan who told us about recent studies that show brain disease often occurs in people who have played contact sports. He cited a 60 Minutes report on the subject that had some scary pictures of brains actually turning black around the edges after people had suffered some routine hits in football and other sports. Here’s a link to a video that will scare you. The part about children and concussions is near the end of the video. (Sorry about the ad near the beginning, because the choice of sponsor may prevent you from showing it to your kids, but that’s the price we pay for technology.) I’ve known lots of kids who have suffered “mild” concussions playing team sports, and I haven’t thought a thing about it. Maybe we should start thinking.

Here’s our last letter for today, from a former soccer mom:

When we faced this problem with my daughter’s soccer team, we used it as a learning/testimony building experience for our daughter. We didn’t want it to be us on one side and her on the other — I didn’t want her to play on Sunday, but I wanted her to want the same thing for herself.

She was 10 when the first situation manifested itself (it came up once or twice a year until she was done playing competitive soccer). She didn’t know that an upcoming tournament involved Sunday play. When I explained the situation to her (she was 10 at the time), she was very disappointed. We talked about how she felt and I told her that she had an important decision to make. We read from For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. It was pretty clear:

“Sunday is not a holiday or a day for recreation or athletic events. Do not seek entertainment or spend money on this day. Let your friends know what your standards are so they will not try to persuade you to participate in activities that are not appropriate for the Sabbath.”

I empathized with her agony. Soccer was her world at the time, so it was a difficult choice (she thought she would be cut from the team), but she did make the right choice. She chose not to play on Sunday then and every year after that regardless of the consequence (about once or twice a year when the team traveled). She ended up leaving competitive soccer four years later because of the continuing Sunday play conflict, but it was a testimony-building experience. She became strong through it and learned to have courage about making the right choice even against tremendous pressure to choose otherwise.

As I look back on the four-year drama (and it was drama), I think the key to success was my daughter feeling like it was her decision, not her parents’. She prayed about it and knew she shouldn’t play. We supported her decision 500% (and listened to her cry a lot on the way home from tournaments when she left her team to play without her on Sunday). It was not easy, but the result was worth it.

Former soccer mom in Utah

Thanks for quoting the “For the Strength of Youth” pamphlet, Mom. That doesn’t leave much gray area on the subject.

Remember — do not write any more letters on this subject! Although you all have valid things to say, there are more letters now than I can use before we have to change the topic.

Until next time — Kathy

“What is sport to the cat is death to the mouse.”

German Proverb