M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Finding Excuses for Hostility
By Kathryn H. Kidd

We have been exploring instances where nonmember relatives are hostile to Latter-day Saints, and we’ve received several enlightening observations.  To read last week’s column, click here.

This week, we have a new set of letters on the same subject.  And this time, some of our writers are asking if hostility toward the Church is really hostility toward the Church, or if it is hostility about something else that is masquerading as anti-LDS prejudice.  Let’s see what our readers have to say.

Our first letter is directed toward Anonymous in Amarillo, whose letter started this thread:

First off, I would guess [Amarillo’s son’s] hostility towards her being a member stems from more than her being a Mormon.  Some children tend to treat their parents none too kindly, and the Church could be an excuse for him. 

I am the only member of my family with the exception of my 13-year-old grandson Julian.  When I joined the Church, my daughter got involved with a man who made fun of me and what I believed in.  At times it has been difficult for my daughter to accept my conversion and my beliefs. 

Prior to joining the Church I was a drug addict and had thoughts of suicide, so people began to see that the Church had helped me turn my life around. 

At first I was so on fire with the Gospel that I drove my family a little crazy talking about it all the time.  I just couldn't believe that they didn't want to know what I knew.  Then I talked to members and they told me just to be a good example, and to love my family. Things started to slowly turn around.  I am not the most perfect example, but my family knows I try really hard to do the right thing each and every day. 

When my grandson was turning eight, I begged my daughter to allow him to be baptized and she consented.  My daughter, along with her boyfriend (not Julian's father), came to the baptism, and I sobbed like a baby.  I was so happy.  Since then she has had another child and he goes to church with Julian.  He is nearly seven, and both parents have agreed to let him be baptized.    

Even though the parents aren't interested in the Church, they have both had priesthood blessings over the years and see how being a member is a good thing.  It was always my idea for the blessings, and I am glad that they consented.  I think the most important thing is to not talk about the Church in front of hostile family members.  I think it makes them feel uncomfortable and sometimes lacking so they are hurtful. My family has come to think much kinder of the Church and its members.   Truly, as the prophets say, being a good example is what will soften our nonmember families toward us and the Church.

In addition, my husband is not a member but he fully supports me. He goes to church with me on my birthday.  I have to be grateful for that, but sometimes it is lonely!  When I get the Ensign I am dying to run to him and read him all of the stories.  Sometimes I do share some, but I try not to overwhelm him.  Heavenly Father helps balance out my family circle.  He is always there for me.

Darlene

Darlene, you have done a wonderful job of being a good example without being pushy.  That’s a hard line to toe, but once you learned the lesson you seem to have learned it well. 

I particularly liked what you said about God balancing out your family circle.  I’ve found that to be true in my life as well.

I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone.  I have been called every name in the book by my adult sons who have been raised in the Church and choose not to live the commandments of God.

I have been single all of my adult life, and I was baptized in 1980 (when my oldest son was 8 years old and my youngest son was 41/2).  I have been faithful ever since, and a year following my baptism I went to the temple and took out my own endowment.  I have been faithful to the covenants I have made in the temple and have kept the commandments to the best of my ability.

For that, I have had both my sons call me a "man-hater" and a lesbian, because I chose not to marry anyone that I didn't feel was my equal.  I have also had my sons condemn me because I chose not to have live-in boyfriends like many of their friends’ mothers. 

I have literally had my sons challenge me because I don't like to attend the birthday parties of my grandchildren on Sundays, where they have big blown-out parties with alcohol and immoral behavior in attendance.  They accuse me of being more loyal to the Church, and not loyal to my family (which the Church teaches).  It goes on and on.

I have to admit I have not always handled it with dignity.  However, I have let them know in no uncertain terms that I have never claimed to be perfect and that I attend church because I know I am not perfect.  I also let them know with the same judgment they have judged me, the Lord will mete out to them "measure for measure." 

I do not tolerate their condemnation anymore and let them know that when they are without sin, they will have the right to judge me.  Until then, I refuse to listen to their rhetoric and just leave the room.

I find that silence is the best answer you can give them. Do not respond. Just go your way.  Keep the commandments to the best of your ability and lead by example.  They eventually will follow.  It might not be in this life, but they know; they just want to justify in their own minds their bad behavior, and I refuse to buy into the manipulation.

May the Lord bless you in your endeavors to do what is right.  Let him handle the hard-heads in his own way and in his own time.

Stuck in California 

That’s a new one on me, Stuck, but when I think about it, it makes sense that people might vilify a religion when they can’t live up to it.  Thanks for sharing your story, and I hope things get better for you.

Here’s a letter for someone who has endured this situation for 41 years — longer than many Meridian readers have even been alive:

My wife and I have encountered problems with her side of the family ever since we joined the Church 41 years ago.  Her mother and father are still living (89 and 98, respectively).  She has three sisters and two brothers.  Her mother is a hard-shell Catholic and her siblings have all dropped out of the Catholic Church, but don't affiliate with any other church.  They just know they don't like ours.  We have never pushed the Church or the missionaries on them. 

About three years ago my wife and I were told we were no longer welcome at her mother and dad's home.  We were wrongfully accused of all manner of misdeeds.  They would not talk to us about it.  However, one of her brothers told us that we needed to get out of that Mormon Church.  That had had an experience with Mormons in Alamogordo, New Mexico, near where he lives.  He would not tell us what experience he was referring to.  

My wife went in to talk to our bishop.  He counseled her to leave them alone.  He said when Satan is involved, nothing makes sense.  We have both taken the bishop’s counsel.  To date, they still want nothing to do with my wife.  She does have one brother who calls and talks to her from time to time.  However, he is terrified of one of his sisters (who holds the purse strings for the mom and dad).  She is an unmarried woman in her early 60's who has become mentally unstable and volatile.  She is the one who made up the lies in order to insure that my wife was disowned and disinherited. 

The other siblings latched on to the fabrications and refuse to believe otherwise since they stand to profit from the disinheritance of my wife. They also resent our seven children, who have all married in the temple, the boys served honorable missions, all secured their college educations and four went to graduate school.  They all have good families and are active in the Church.  In contrast, my wife's siblings' children, all but one, have lived with someone outside the bonds of marriage.  They have other vices that prevent them from being what they could be.  Only two pursued a degree.  The siblings are very much aware that the Church and its teachings played a big part in how our children were raised. 

My advice is to stand up for the Church and its teachings.  Never be ashamed of your relationship with the Savior.  Continue to pray for them, but do not let them drag you down to their level or standards.  If necessary, leave them alone and prepare to do their temple ordinance work for them after they are dead.  As much as it hurts, put it in God's hands and trust in Him.

Long-Term Experience

What a wonderful letter, Long-Term!  I especially appreciate the counsel of your bishop:  “When Satan is involved, nothing makes sense.”  That certainly seems to apply in your family’s case.

You are doing a good work by refusing to be offended, but also refusing to let others drag you down to their level.  Perhaps in the next life, when all our heads are clearer, they will be ready to listen to the truth.
 
I feel for Anonymous in Amarillo There is a few things I would like to suggest, but that would be counter-productive.  This abusive behavior has been growing for ten years, and it is very hard to change a habit (because that is what it is).  I hope she has been to her bishop and Relief Society president. 

Anonymous needs to just carry on and be an example and turn the other cheek.  “That’s easy for you to say,” you might think, but I have been there and done that.
 
When we joined the church in 1980, my brother told me in a very harsh language that if I joined that blankety-blank church he would never speak to me again. I love my brother very dearly, and I thought he loved me, but he stayed true to his word.  He has never spoken to me since.  I have tried many ways to speak to him.  I told him in a letter that I love him and that he has a special part in my heart, but that I know the Church is true and I need to follow this path.  His wife sends me a card for Christmas with a little news, but that’s it.

We just need to carry on. Heavenly Father does answer our prayers, but not always in the way we want.  This could be your cross that you have to carry.  You will be blessed; I know you will be.

Dot of Otane, New Zealand

Thanks for an inspirational letter, Dot.  It’s hard to do what we have to do in this church.  Sometimes the price we pay is a hard one to bear.  But we will indeed be blessed eventually if we do the right thing.  Sometimes that’s the only comfort we get in this life.

Anonymous in Amarillo has a very hurtful situation.  I have dealt with similar things ever since I joined the church 50 years ago.

Here are some things I decided to do about it:

1. Be a duck!  Let it roll off your back.  Think to yourself that you know the gospel is true and that's what really matters.
   
   
2. Along with that thinking, ask Heavenly Father to help you to not feel hurt.  Our Savior will carry that burden for us.

3. Pray for those who spitefully use you.  They often have specific reasons for their actions.  And almost always, it has nothing to do with you at all.
   
   
4. Don't argue with them.  You don't need to prove anything to them. 

5. Stand up for yourself, though.  Say something like, "I am so sorry you feel that way about my church, but I love it and I feel it is what I need."  They can't argue with how you feel.

These are just my ideas.  I am so anxious to hear what others have to say.

Cotton in Arizona

That’s a great list, Cotton!  I’m always glad to put some solid advice in this column, and you had some today.  I wouldn’t be surprised to hear that readers have printed out your checklist and put it in places where they can refer to it often.  Thanks for writing.

Here’s another reader who wonders about the underlying reason for Amarillo’s son’s anger toward her:

The phrase written [by Anonymous in Amarillo], "When he becomes angry with me he verbally abuses me," sent off warning bells for me.  It would be best to first try to come to some understanding with your son on his anger issues with you. 

I have several members of my household who have gone inactive, and in the beginning there was friction all the way around. I have come to realize that deep down we all love each other and we can really agree to disagree.  It is best to deal with the real issues that are sparking the unwanted behavior and set some ground rules on how you will be treated.  We teach others how to treat us, and it sounds like Amarillo’s son needs to be lovingly told to speak respectfully to his mother and learn to deal with issues in a more grown-up fashion. 

If there is a disagreement, you both need to stick to the issue at hand and come up with solutions you can both live with. Just be honest with your son before another fight comes about.  Tell him you love him and want a relationship with him, but you feel that the interactions between you have gotten too hurtful and you want to find a way to engage with him in a more positive, helpful, and loving way. Attack the problem not the individual.

One thing I do know is that we must live our religious beliefs without projecting those beliefs and 
standards on our loved ones.  Christ's example of loving people as they were has been helping me tremendously. I no longer comment on the living standards of my family; I find that with continued Christ-like love, by quietly living the gospel with joy, and by refusing to engage in dysfunctional habits, we are all more at ease and are enjoying being together.  Most always the only person we can change is ourselves, but by changing how we engage with one another we force others to change as well. 

Ask yourself what you really want; I bet it would be to have a more loving, open relationship with your loved ones.  Truly be honest with yourself and do some pondering and you will see more clearly what you are doing that could be turned around and handled better.  Prayer, reflection and a Priesthood blessing will go a long way in helping you turn things around. I wish you every success.   

Anonymous in Austin

Wow, Austin!  You had some terrific advice about the changes that are made in others when we change ourselves.  Thanks for writing.  I’m sure your letter will be a great help to Anonymous in Amarillo.

One of my hardest journeys in life has been with our "born-again" son, his wife, and their five children.  Jon (not his real name) was raised LDS but was ex-communicated while still a teen ager, for living with his girlfriend, smoking pot, and I am not sure what else.  He was bitter and said "the Church left him just when he needed it." 

The bottom line is that he did not repent and was "saved" by an evangelist a few years later when he was in his early twenties.  He married the girlfriend and became a very devout "born-again Christian."  He has never truly accepted us for the ensuing thirty years.  He has devoted his life to this non-denominational church, raised five extraordinary children (the oldest just received a Master's and was the outstanding graduate student at her mainstream university).  The second also has a degree, and the third is a senior (all doing very well).  All in the family are very religious and are serving "missions" of their own.

However, my husband and I hardly know them and we are not welcome in their home — just because we are LDS.  Our son, at one point, told me I was going to Hell because of the Church. He. along with his family, has only been in our home one time in thirty years and would not let his children even play with their cousins unless he or his wife were right there every minute.

We have tried writing letters, prayer, fasting, visiting them, calling, and so on.  Our relationship works best through the computer.  He will email us upon occasion — usually Mother's Day and Father's Day.  For a while I even exchanged emails with the oldest granddaughter (who was born on my birthday), but she has not written me back for several years.  All of the children but one have accepted us as "friends" on Facebook, and we are able to vicariously share in their lives.  We enter comments quite often but never receive any comments back.

We make sure that we only say positive things in all communication.

We are now elder missionaries on the East Coast and called their family to see if they would like us to visit on our way East from our home in Utah.  Our son said he was having a very hard time with us going on a mission and "converting Christians to the Mormon faith,” and made an excuse for us not to visit.  We did not stop at their home in Colorado as we came through, but have continued to email each other several times a year. 

We constantly pray for him and his family that they will soften their hearts.  We keep their names on the Temple prayer rolls whenever possible.  We love them and say nice things about them whenever possible.  When pictures are emailed to us, we print them and view them often.  We try to keep an ongoing relationship and ignore the elephant in the room.  All four grandparents have died and neither Jon, nor his family, have ever come to the funerals. He even legally changed his name a few years ago, along with his wife, and all five children.  We have decided to keep him in our wills, but at a reduced share.  We love him very much.  I recently completed memoirs of circumstances surrounding the birth of all the children.  I emailed Jon his and he emailed a wonderful note back thanking me and telling me he remembered the recounting of most of it but there were a couple of things that were new to him.  We remember the promises given that all wayward children will return, and we take comfort in knowing we may be able to teach him and his family in Paradise.

I strongly recommend reading all of Larry Barkdull’s articles on Rescuing Wayward Children. Most of what he says is that the solution is to work on ourselves. In one of his articles he uses a letter he received about a family where only the mother joined the Church and was a seminary teacher to the person who wrote the letter. The story told by that letter fits the woman in Amarillo. Plus, all that he says in his articles can fit, too, even though her son is not a member.

Then, I would strongly recommend the article written by Colleen Harrison “To Help Your Struggling Children, Swim for Shore”.  Certainly the son of Amarillo is not a member and inactive, but the premise the Colleen uses is worthwhile when dealing with any type of situation with any child.

I have taken to heart the things that both Larry and Colleen have said because I have six children born under the covenant and have experienced much sadness and much joy because of them. I am finding that as I work to sanctify myself and “swim to shore” that I am seeing changes. I expect more to come as I work on myself only. I am grateful that these two authors have been chosen to (and chose to) write for Meridian Magazine.

Mary Jurgaitis
Neillsville, Wisconsin

Mary, your letter is a testament to the fact that you can do everything in your power to influence people for good, but sometimes it just isn’t enough.  Your experience must show you to a small degree how God feels when his own children become estranged from him.

Thanks so much for recommending the articles by Larry Barkdull and Colleen Harrison.  I’m always glad to promote anything they write, because they have a lot of advice that can help us in our trials.

Our last responses on the subject are short but pithy.  Here they are:

I would suggest that the mother ask the son to leave the house until he has calmed down and knows how to speak to his mother with respect. He knows how to push your buttons and will continue until you stand your grounds and demand some respect. And of course continue to pray for him.

Deborah in Georgia

That’s a good point, Deborah.  It may well be that Amarillo’s son is just aggravating her because he can.  He’ll continue to do so as long as his mother tolerates it.  Perhaps it is time for her to kindly put her foot down.

I simply find something we are both interested in and converse about that when the spirit moves me.  For instance, we attended a close family relative’s funeral today, I took pictures of the next generation, and offered to send a photo of their great-great-grandparents on their mother's side to each niece and nephew.  I also interested some of them in family history by getting onto www.geni.com since they aren't interested in church matters.  This is non-denominational genealogy, and most of them can't wait to get onto it.  (One already did between the visitation and the funeral.) 

I also tell them "families can be together forever," and that seed may stick in their minds for later.  We let them know we are still interested in their lives even if we are a different religion.

M. Henrick, Iowa

You make a good point, M — we never know what seeds will stick in people’s minds for later.  Our responsibility is to make sure those seeds are good ones, and it appears that your seeds are.

Don't enter in a fight over religion.  I always said I discuss religion but feel God does not want his children to fight each other over religion.  If you have to, excuse yourself from the discussion.  Show forth an increase of love to that child.  Don't worry God is on your side.

Dianne in Montana 

That’s a good point, Dianne.  It takes two to argue.  It’s hard to let someone berate you if you have kindly left the room.

If I am not mistaken, Jesus would have said that persecution will come from the very people at home.

It's natural to be upset, but we should strive to follow the sayings of the Lord (in Matthew 5:44-46):

But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;

That ye may be the children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust.

For if ye love them which love you, what reward have ye? do not even the publicans the same?

So, just love your son, do good to him, and continue to pray for him, until the end.

Dimby Dodier
Madagascar

Thanks for pointing that out, Dimby.  Sometimes in our philosophizing we forget to go to the source of the best solutions.  I appreciate your doing so.

I wrote a little poem sometime ago that I use to deflect ire about my religion.

A SIMPLE STATEMENT
(to lovingly defend my religion when confronted)

I guess I'm not worse off
Than you
Believing as I do
That there is a Someone
Who
Loves me
Unconditionally
And you too!

Sincerely, P.R. Hernon
Victoria, B.C., Canada

Thanks for your appropriate sentiments, P.R.  I like the way your poem ended.  And here are our last words.  They come from a therapist, who has seen more than most of us of this sort of situation:

As a therapist, I have dealt with anger over many emotionally-charged issues for years.  I start with the belief that anger and fear are twins and where one exists, the other does also and underneath that is usually some type of pain. 

If you can react with love and understanding to the anger, you may find out what that pain is.  Perhaps your son feels threatened by the changes you have made in your life and is feeling more inadequate.  Of course, it may be fear that your beliefs will rub off on him!  Good luck. 

Nora Meenk

The idea of anger and fear going together is certainly food for thought, Nora.  As I read the letters today, I could see many instances where the two emotions were intertwined.  Thanks for that enlightenment.

Okay readers, we’re off to a new topic next week.  If you have ideas for new topics, send them to MeridianMagazine@aol.com.  Put “New Topic” (or something along those lines) in the subject line so I won’t think your letter is spam.  We’re looking forward to hearing from you.

Until next time — Kathy

“The greatest honor history can bestow is that of peacemaker.”

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