Last week, Anonymous in Amarillo wrote to ask how she could endure the aggression of her non-LDS son toward her religion.  Zillions of you wrote in, proving to me that you are not on vacation, even though the summer sun is beating down on us (at least, in the Northern Hemisphere).

Here is some of their advice, with more to follow in next week’s column:

I believe the answer lies in the Savior. Charity is indeed the pure love of Christ.  This is a gift from God that we need to pray for.  As we receive this gift and develop it we will have a heart like his.  When others are disrespectful to us this can hurt us, but by developing the gift of charity we can be filled with his love and this will help us to not react from a place of hurt.  When others are in the wrong they need an additional outpouring of love from us.

Simply walking away from someone when he is being verbally abusive will leave him to deal with his own feelings of wrongness of what he has done.  When we respond to the people who are hostile, they feel justified in their actions.

Roxanne from Nova Scotia, Canada
 
You’re right, Roxanne.  We’re admonished to forgive even when we are the most maligned.  It isn’t easy, but it’s something we should all aspire to.  Read on for readers’ suggestions on how to make the situation better:

Usually family members who, for whatever reason, have turned against the Church won't listen to words. Much as it breaks your heart as you plead in your prayers for them, and can't see a difference in their lives, stay firm in your beliefs and most important, let your light shine through continued prayer, knowing our Heavenly Father is aware of what is going on, and setting an example. I love one-liners like this one: "I cannot hear what you are saying because what you are speaks so loudly." 

Beth Shumway Moore
Hurricane, Utah

You make a good point, Beth.  We’re always setting examples, for the good or for the bad.  I recently read a quote that was very sobering in that regard.  Here it is:

The son must have had a bad experience involving a member before (a buddy, a girlfriend, co-worker, or someone else).  Perhaps he feels she betrayed the family leaving their prior faith. 

Anonymous in Amarillo should ask him, "If I went back to the Methodist Church (or whatever it was), would you call me a ‘@#$% Methodist’ then?"  This will help Mom find out if her son had a bad experience involving a member before.  If so, they can talk it through logically.  If it didn't, he may dislike Latter-day Saints because of some belief that he or his father may have despised. 

Perhaps the father told the son in private that he wished she wouldn't join the Church because Dad had a bad experience involving a member before. 

If the son is married, maybe the wife can give some insight.  Maybe she had a bad experience involving a member before, and this is his way of protecting her. They need to simply hash it out.  If he refuses to deal with it, Mom should tell the son to come back when he's a grown-up. 

Practical in Philly

You’re right, Practical.  People’s reasons for being prejudiced against members of the Church can come from any source — or from no source at all.  It can only help to ferret out why a person has negative feelings.  If those feelings come from misconceptions, education may solve the problem.  Or then again, it may not!

If education doesn’t help, one Meridian reader has a last-ditch result:

It may be difficult, particularly as you are widowed, but you must insist on respect in your own home.  First, tell him that he is your son and you love him.  Second, set the ground rules — including that he is not welcome, either in your home or your presence, if he insults your religion.

Third, as he complies show him an increase in love and acceptance (D&C 121).  “My house, my rules,” may be the way to state it. 

Respected

Respected is right, Anonymous.  There is no excuse for a son of any age to disrespect his widowed mother in her own home.  And our next reader says it better than I ever could:

The first thing that hit me when reading this article was why is this mother putting up with her son talking to her like this? A child should never talk to a parent like that, no matter the age of the child or the parent. It smacks of abuse, and this sister should tell her son immediately that she will not put up with him speaking to her such a manner.

It sounds like she's been a doormat so long to this obnoxious son that he is using the Church as a way to punish her. He knows it hurts her when he says derogatory things about the Church to her, and this is a way to push her buttons.  She needs to tell him that the Church is part of her DNA now, and that when he is critical of the Church he is being critical of her. 
 
I live in Utah, and we get a lot of anti-Mormon flack here. You name any problem the state is having and it’s the Mormons’ fault. I had to quit reading the newspaper online comments and editorials because the comments that people can make on the articles are so hateful that it made me feel sick inside. I have never had anti-Mormon "behavior" aimed at me directly and would be shocked if it was. I am very respectful of other people’s churches, religions and way of life. I try to be kind, interested and helpful to everyone, no matter if they are LDS or not. I have several inactive and nonmember friends, and although they may not approve of the Church they are not aggressive towards me in any way about the fact that I'm active LDS.
 
If this sister is trying to discuss religion with her son, I think she needs to stop doing that.  He just wants to argue with her, and that drives the Spirit away anyway. Nothing she says at that point will touch him, and he is not in the right frame of mind to hear what she has to say. 

I’m sorry for this sister. As parents we want our children to understand us as much as we try and understand them. She may just have to recognize that this son will never accept that she has become a religious person. At this point the best thing for her to do would to just be a good example to him. She can show him that her religion is making her a better person, making her happy and giving her direction in her life.
 
Val S
Riverton, Utah

Thanks for some good comments, Val.  I hope Anonymous in Amarillo takes your letter to heart.

Here’s a humorous solution that stopped one heckler in his tracks:

I once had a friend who joined the Church.  When her father (a very inactive member) kept degrading the Mormons, she finally told him that she didn’t want to hear anything from him unless he read The Book of Mormon so he would know what he was talking about.  That sure stopped the comments from him!

Passing on the Good Word

Thanks for a great solution, Passing.  It’s great to get a chuckle in a topic like this — and this may be one humorous solution that works!

Here’s another creative way to deal with the situation:

After nearly thirty five years of being the only member of the LDS Church in my family, I feel I have a little experience with this topic. My sisters and stepsisters are all Born Again Christian, and my brothers don't attend church at all. To deflect insults, I have kept my "religious distance" and found common grounds of interest to share.

The two areas that I have had the greatest successes with are food storage/preparedness (who can argue that?) and family history. Without getting into the deeper religious reasons for the research, I have taken my sisters on trips from New Mexico to Canada. We're planning New York and England in the near future. Why not let them be a part of Elijah's promised blessings?

As for the disrespect coming from the widowed convert's son, is there peaceful love and respect given to him? Often times we react the way we expect someone believes we will. If you read I Corinthians12:23, exchanging the word "body" for "family," it will give you a perfect guide for living with a family member who seems "uncomely."

Bev in Washington

Involving nonmember relatives in peripheral aspects of the gospel is a great idea, Bev.  I can vouch that it works, too! 

I have a sister who used to attend a church where Mormon-bashing happened with regularity.  She got to the point where she always referred to me as “My Mormon Sister.”  As far as she was concerned, that was my name.

The two of us had not really spoken for years — not because I was angry with her, but because I figured, What’s the point?  We had absolutely nothing in common.  But last year I was sick enough that my sisters decided to pay me a visit “just in case,” and we had a lot of fun.  We found things to talk about other than religion (our family history, cooking, and other topics), and they even asked questions about the Church now and again.  We had such a good time that we’ve kept in touch ever since.  Who knew it would be so easy?

Here’s another tactic that may work:

My family isn't as bad as the lady with the question and this wouldn't work in her situation but perhaps can help someone else. I have a brother who would make sarcastic and snide comments, roll his eyes and otherwise indicate that I was ridiculous for ever speaking about Heavenly Father or anything religious. I finally related an example to him that I thought he could understand.  He loves and reveres our mother for everything she has done, is doing, and will do for him and for her love.  She is an important part of his life, and he probably mentions her from time to time to his friends. I added that it would probably wound him to some degree to have his friends behave the same way when he mentioned Mom and her importance in his life, as he has been behaving towards me when I mention Heavenly Father and the importance of Church in my life. He apologized profusely and we haven't had a problem since.

Wise Sister

What terrific counsel, Wise!  Sometimes the stubborn can be made to understand if we couch the situation in a way that hits home to them.  Your solution was excellent.

Here’s a one-liner that may also do the trick:

Challenge him to prove that the Church isn't true, and in that way he may learn a thing or two. Anyway it will keep him busy for a while.

K from California

I got a laugh out of that one.  You can never tell what people are going to come up with in their quest to “prove” the Church isn’t true.

One day I was doing an internet search that had nothing whatsoever to do with the Church, and I found myself at a website that was run by a former Mormon.  She had left the Church because The Book of Mormon mentions horses, and so many “authorities” say that horses were imported to the New World by the Spaniards that “everyone” knows The Book of Mormon is inaccurate for that reason alone.

I respectfully wrote to her and, without mentioning my church affiliation (it wasn’t pertinent to the reason I wrote), told her that when I went on a paleontology field trip in Utah in the early 1970s, one of the things I found was the lower jawbone (including teeth) of a prehistoric horse.  I suggested she google “prehistoric horse North America” to see for herself that horses were here long before the Spaniards arrived.  She wrote back, in essence saying, “Wow. I had no idea.”  At that point I wrote back and suggested she check out the other “inaccuracies” she had found in the Church.  I never heard back from her, but I hope our email exchange caused her to do a little research or (even more important) prayer.

Our next writer has a provocative question to bring up:

Is the issue really the Church? My 30plus-year-old son would never yell and me and become verbally abusive. He has too much respect for me to do that. At times we do just agree to disagree. That said …

When I joined the church 20+ years ago, my parents did not speak to me for six months. We eventually began talking again, but there has always been what I call a barrier between us. We always made sure they were invited when our children were blessed and baptized. But they chose not to come. They did attend our son’s missionary farewell.

I have stood my ground about the Church, insisting that they respect my choice of religion just as I respect theirs. I finally had to tell my brother, “Look, I don’t make fun of your church, and I don’t appreciate your making fun of mine.” He stopped doing it. Our other big problem was going boating on Sunday. I finally said we don’t consider that an appropriate activity for the Sabbath. I suggested that we go on Saturday at least sometimes. After that we had a lot of fun at the lake — on Saturday.

One we were sitting around my parents’ kitchen table talking. My newly baptized son began telling his Grandpa, “You aren’t supposed to drink coffee.”  Then he looked at me and said, “Why are you kicking me, Mom?” We all had a good laugh about that!  By the way, my mom agreed — the doctor had been after Dad to quit drinking coffee.

I wish I could say that my family had joined the Church. I don’t think they ever will, but we have all learned to be more tolerant.

Phyllis Barton

Your family has made great strides, Phyllis.  You serve as an example to a lot of us.

I have always found it helpful to periodically attend the church of nonmember relatives and invite them to mine. Culturally little differences exist, and if people just happen to see us more mainstream than backwater, the hostility gets slowly chipped away.

RF Boedy, MD
Augusta, Georgia

Thanks for your contribution, Dr. Boedy.  You make a good point.

Your letter reminds me of a great DVD that Clark and I saw last week, An Unlikely Mormon:  The Conversion Story of Glenn Beck.  In this DVD, which is good for church members and nonmember family members alike, Beck goes to great length to talk about how he ran away from a religion that nobody would want to join because so many people ridicule it — only to stop running when he finally realized it was true.  This DVD shows the LDS life from a perspective of a nonmember who has to be dragged kicking and screaming to the waters of baptism, and who says it was the best thing he ever did.  It’s an excellent and thought-provoking DVD.

I too have been treated similarly by family before, during, and after joining the Church. I did not have anyone to help me back then, so I just grew a thick skin. Now that I have grown in my faith and strengthened my testimony over the years, I have realized what would have made life a little better back then.

The first thing is to live the life that Jesus would have you live. Be perfected in Him and live the Gospel with all your heart, might, mind, and strength. The second thing is to treat those who oppose you with love and respect. Elder Packer has told us that if we treat our loved ones as though they are members, then they will be able to partake of His goodness through us. By treating nonmembers as you would a member, both you and they can benefit from the love Heavenly Father shows all of us.

Always remember that you cannot change them; you can only change you. Show proper respect to the priesthood by showing that same respect to a potential priesthood holder. If you treat people the way He would have them to be then maybe, just maybe, in time they will become that person. Love and gentle persuasion is the best remedy you can employ because after all you can do it is still their choice.

Feeling Your Pain in Colorado

What a great letter, Feeling!  I’d never heard the quote about, “If we treat our loved ones as though they are members, then they will be able to partake of His goodness through us.” What a terrific concept!

Here’s our last letter for today:

Has the widow actually ever come out and asked, “What is it that you have heard about Mormons that makes you hate them so much?” That question might open some dialogues up.

It might also be useful to analyze when this abuse comes up. Is it tied to changes she has made in her life?  (For instance, does he say that when he looks in the fridge and there is no beer there for him but there used to be?)

There also may be some jealousy involved — that sometimes when he has needed her, for whatever reason, she has been at a church activity instead. I have family members that still recall an incident more than ten years ago, when I had gone to a leadership meeting in the morning and would miss their arrival. I had baked pies, had stew in the crock pot and so forth, all in anticipation of being there to have lunch with them, but they were so ticked that I wasn’t there (what, is the rest of my family chopped liver?) that they left (I actually passed them on the road) before lunchtime even arrived. I was astounded!

I have tried to analyze the situation and I realize that I should have given them a heads-up, but they have often not been there when they knew we were coming!  (Yes, we wait a bit for them.)  They use this still as an excuse to not visit. Mind you, this is my husband’s family — and my husband (their blood relative!) was there for them to see. Go figure!

Finally, just say, “Hey, it’s America. The last time I looked I had freedom of religion!”

Kathy L. Baumgarten

Thanks for a great letter, Kathy.  It just shows that if people insist on being offended, there’s not much you can do to stop them.   

We’ll continue this topic next week, readers.  If you have any comments you want to add, feel free to send them to meridianmagazine@aol.com.

Until next week — Kathy

“The moment we want to believe something,
we suddenly see all the arguments for it,
and become blind to the arguments against it."

George Bernard Shaw