As we finish up the topic of empty nesters today, we have a lot of sage counsel from Meridian readers on the art of letting go of one period of our lives and jumping into the next one. Our first letter today comes from the UK , complete with British spellings:

Letting go is what we do throughout life. Letting go of grown children is the hardest test of motherhood. Giving birth and raising a child should prepare us but I don't think we realise the connection.

Letting go of that tiny hand to let a child walk alone is highly symbolic. We are there to cheer the event when successful and to give comfort and assistance when they fall. This same process is repeated in different circumstances throughout the parent/child relationship, even long after the child is grown and has left home.

As hard as it is to let go of that tiny hand, it is totally necessary to let go of the adult child to allow their growth and progress. All we can do is point them in the right direction and let them go. Often they will fall or wander off the path we hoped they would follow but as adults, if we have taught them correct principles they should be able to pick themselves up and keep going.

Just as it is hard to see that small child with grazed knees, it is hard to watch our adult children go their way. Grazed knees heal and walking improves and in most cases all turns out well with the adult child who has left home.

My advice is to let go, cheer the successes, and give comfort and assistance when needed for the falls. Let go of the hand but never the heart.

Jan Travers from the UK

What a wise letter, Jan! I couldn't help but think that's exactly how God lets go of us when he put us here to learn the lessons of life.

Here's a note in a humorous vein:

I know that you have enough letters on this subject but if you can, remind everyone that an empty nest is a great time to get rid of all the junk food and go on a healthy, fun diet without pizzas and fast food and sweets that are always around with teens in the house. It's also a great time to go to the pound and adopt a pet that you can take on walks. And Mexican Train and other games can finally be called Naked Mexican Train, just because.

Hallelujah!

Usually Clothed, Somewhere

Your letter provided me with my biggest laugh of the day, Usually. I can't imagine why you didn't include your name and address! Thanks for inspiring a lot of empty nesters to throw away the junk food and get out their domino sets.

Boy, the things that the other sisters have written have struck a responsive chord in me.  We all have unique circumstances, but we all experience similar kinds of feelings.  I have been surprised with myself that this "empty nest" thing has been so difficult for me. 

I stayed home and raised seven children.  We lived on a farm next door to my parents and I cared for them in their elderly years.  My mother lost her eyesight to macular degeneration the last few years of her life and was dependent on me for everything.  Right before my youngest son went on a mission, she passed away.  He left and I didn't know what to do with myself.  I couldn't think of anything to do that seemed as important as what I had been doing.  Please note that all my other children moved out of our area.  One daughter lives in England , another in Germany , and another in Mexico .  The others live in the west although not very close.  Some of my grandchildren I only see once a year.  

After my parents passed away we had to sell the farm to settle the estate.  We had just been managing it for them.  So, my husband lost a job and we moved into town.  He is in training for a new job, although he isn't working yet   The recession has taken its toll on our retirement. 

I've had to get used to a new ward after 30 years.  I've found that it's easy to make acquaintances, but hard to make friends.  Talk about major changes in my life!   I served a church service mission to the Employment Center .  My husband and I both work in the temple, yet there is still a lot of down time.  Interestingly, we don't work the same schedule.  He works three afternoons and evenings a week.  I work two mornings a week.  I won't take time to explain how that happened, but I do sometimes get lonely on those evenings.  

My challenge right now is that I have nothing really pressing to do.  There are many things I could do, but no deadlines.  My house is clean.  All my boxes are unpacked.  I've dejunked my house.  I've either thrown away or completed unfinished projects.  Sometimes I feel like I'm just spinning my wheels.  Nothing seems to really excite me.  I wonder if I'm depressed.

I really want to "be the means of doing good" (D&C 6:8).   I do try and visit people.  I love serving in the Church. I'd even love to be in the nursery.   I'm trying to decide what volunteer work to do.  It has to be something in which I find fulfillment. I'm taking an art class. I wanted to get my BYU General Studies degree, but the cost is prohibitive.  I've learned that the classes for credit are free at our local junior college after you turn 60.  I'll be 60 on my next birthday so I think I'll enroll in some classes.  

I would love to participate in a blog.  It seems like most people my age in my ward have family around and spend their time with them.  I try really hard not to talk about how I feel.  I don't want to be a complainer.  I put on a "happy face." 

Bonnie in Twin Falls, Idaho

Thanks for writing, Teri. Your letter is an example of how someone who wasn't even anticipating feeling lost after the nest emptied can find herself adrift. I hope the letters in this column can give you some ideas.

Speaking of blogs, here's a letter from Teri, who first brought up the idea of blogs last week:

Dang. I do this a lot — get myself into things I know nothing about.  So, can you tell me how to start a blog for empty nesters?   I never thought about me doing it.  Thanks for bringing it to my attention that I brought this assignment on myself (ha ha).  Another proof that God lives!  Inspiration is part of revelation, isn't it?  And — Charity never faileth, with it also being the most important of Faith, Hope and Charity? (Not sure if I have that 100% right).

Ok, so do you have any idea where I start, to set up a blog for empty nesters?

Teri Skelton
teri@stitchnmemories.com

I have no idea how to set up a blog, Teri, but Google knows everything.  I googled "how to set up a blog" and got about a zillion responses.  I sent you the top three by personal email, but you can find lots of others with your trusty Google.

Go for it!  You've got the opportunity to perform a real service! I've already got your first reader — Bonnie from Twin Falls ! And when you get that blog set up, let me know so I can give our readers the information they'll need to find you.

The shock of empty nest syndrome is like nothing I had ever experienced before.  I was not prepared for what I felt.  It is the death of a way of life. As a mother of young babies and even of 
teens,  I  dreamed of how exciting it would be to do more genealogy, clean out closets, more service in the church, work in the community, even go back to school after my children left home. 

To have been a mother, leading and encouraging my three sons in good endeavors, to get inspiration about them and their lives, to feel important, not just "important" but " important " and needed, falls by the wayside in a single moment in time when the youngest leaves  home.

With each son's leaving, I grieved. The dynamics of our home changed every time. But it was different when we took our youngest son to the airport to fly to BYU the week after high school graduation. My husband and I walked out of the airport, arms around each other, reminiscent of Adam and Eve being kicked out of the garden and walking through the wilderness alone but together!  It was the end of one part of our life and the beginning of another — the one where as husband and wife we start out again, alone. To reunite without any other distractions, to become closer and even increasing in becoming "one."

The shock began to subside a year later, for it was a process of grief like for a death — the death of the life of a full time mother to a different life of a "part time or consultant" mother. I began to ask the Lord where he wanted me to serve with all this love in my heart dammed up and nowhere to go. 

The spirit led me to work in a property tax office, of all things! There I calmed people's fears, warmed their hearts, directed them to places of help, made them laugh, and shared my faith — just like when I was a mom.  The skills of being a mom are the perfect skills to help all people, no matter where or who.  My heart began to heal through loving others.  Thirteen years later, thousands of people later, eight grandchildren later, I feel whole again.

"This too shall pass." The words my own mother quoted to me still ring in my ears. There is happiness on the other end of the "empty nest syndrome."

Happy Now

I am so glad you're happy now, but sorry for all the heartache you had to go through along the way. Isn't it interesting how you were led to a job you never would have considered as a way to be able to help people? When I lost my own job last year, I snootily prayed for a job where I could help people. I expected that job to be in the world of LDS publishing, but just in the past couple of weeks I've been helping a friend fill jobs all over the country in the social services field. It is so gratifying to call people out of the blue and offer them a job. Some of them almost cry. It has taught me a great lesson about the error of trying to choose whom we help. The Lord needs people to buoy others up in all walks of life — even in a property tax office, as you found out for yourself.

Read on for a quick story from someone who made herself so needed that she only had time to write a paragraph:

Hi!  I too was an empty nester, temporarily!  I started to foster needy children.  Believe me, that takes all your energy and more.  For Paula, who didn't know what to do, how about volunteering to rock babies or read stories to the children who are in the hospital?  I think they are always in need of more hands to help in the hospitals and it means so much to the people that you serve there.

Laurie in B.C., Canada

Thanks for your suggestions, Laurie. The foster care system needs people who are in it for the love and not for the money. Your unselfish decision will influence generations of people.

I am writing to make a comment about the "empty nest" topic.  We have an empty nest for the first time in our 30 years of marriage.  I do work (have to) full time, which takes up my days M-F.  I am also the family history center director for the local family history center and I teach family history in Sunday School.  My husband and I are the YSA advisers for our ward.  Our youngest son was very involved in his high school band, and I loved that experience, seeing him march and play, so I felt sure I would have a "let down" when he left for school last fall. 

I decided to go back to ballet class after over 20 years (which was very scary, as I am not skinny like I used to be), and my husband and I are also taking ballroom dance classes together once a week.  That has been wonderful and good for both of us and our marriage.  I had always missed ballet and my husband and I have taken some classes and sporadically, but it is great to think we can finally improve at this together and we enjoy it.  You also can't think about anything else when you are dancing, which somehow rests your mind and invigorates your body.  There are classes that single people can take also, from line-dancing, to salsa-cize and I highly recommend that.  There are walking groups at malls.  We take them at our community high school and there are all kinds of classes available for very reasonable cost. 

Learn how to use New Family Search, or research your family history.  Many people have no extra time when their house is full, but with so many programs/records available online and through the Church, there is no reason not to do so.  You can look at all of Ancestry.com's records online free at your public library. 

Volunteer at your local school to help shelve books in the library or read to the children or help with an art program there.  These are things I did when I didn't work full-time, and they are greatly needed with all the budget cuts.  Be a volunteer at a local botanical garden or museum or park.  Almost any interest you might have you can get involved in, and it might even lead to a new life with a new career in the future. 

In November, I offered to host a sewing group weekly to finish up some Christmas gifts started in a RS Enrichment meeting.  The group is still going strong after 6 months, and this week a knitting/crocheting group will begin at the same time/place as the sewing group that meets at my home, in another room.  I was kind of disappointed in how Relief Society seems to have been steered away from its focus on the homemaking arts and I was creatively "dried up" after raising 6 sons, now ages 33-19.  The sewing group has been a blessing to all the sisters involved, and none more than me.  We chat and vent (sometimes) and bond, snack some and accomplish a lot.  Our projects range from baby gifts to blessing dresses for babies/grandbabies to mending.  A few of us are very experienced and some are learning, but all benefit.  I now see the wisdom in the program that suggests we form these groups.  The next project we will be taking on is to make pioneer skirts and bonnets for the Primary girls to wear on Pioneer Day. 

Book clubs/swaps can be organized, and other groups, (hiking, cooking, baking, quilting, and so on). If you just make a list of interests, see who is interested and who is skilled and get them together.  The groups are very informal and require little preparation, just someone who comes up with an idea, sends around a sign up sheet and takes charge of it.  Volunteer to be in charge of a RS email list, emailing about activities in the community, bargains or other topics of interest to the sisters, along with the calendar and other reminders.  I highly recommend anyone who is lonely do something like this.  Reach out. Some in our group are single moms and some are young mothers, glad to have a break from their routine.  Others are older than I am and would like to learn to knit or sew better or share their skills in these areas.

As a consequence of all these activities going on, plus two local grandchildren and my mother an hour away to spend time with, I am as busy pretty much as when my life revolved around soccer games and youth/Primary/scout activities.  However, my "spare" time is filled with activities that I choose instead. 

Lovin' Life

What a great attitude, Lovin'! And you make a good point. If activities are not available in your ward, you can be the one to start them. Do like Teri Skelton, who is starting a blog for empty nesters even though she has no earthly idea how to do it, just because she saw the need. There are more opportunities to serve than there is time for any of us to do it. Pitch in and do what you can — and the more you learn in the process, the happier you'll be.

Learning how to adjust to an "empty nest" as well as knowing what to do with this time in life has been my opportunity and challenge for the past two years or so. Three of my four children got married in a six-month period while our youngest son is away serving his mission! The marriages happened so quickly, there was no real time to make adjustments beforehand. It seemed as if my world changed overnight.

Beforehand, I had felt to be even more prayerful in my life, and this was necessary and helpful in order for me to get through each day when everything seemed to be in fast motion. I had the realization that some necessary experiences in life are not necessarily easy or even pleasant at the time of occurrence. But in retrospect, joy and understanding came come.

As with all of life, ultimate trust in the Lord is necessary. He can help us get through anything we need help in dealing with. Psychologists will tell us that even happy events take some adjusting to and can produce great amounts of stress at the time. Seeing our children leave home can be one of those life events.

Here is a quote that I have found helpful: "Good parents give their children Roots and Wings" (Jonas Salk). Thus, they have been given roots that provide a solid foundation in life and that will show the way back home; but also they have been given wings to fly away and exercise what has been taught them and will help them have the confidence to succeed.

I have known families where the children never seemed able to leave the nest or returned soon after leaving. At times, I thought it would be nice to have one's children stay so close by, but I realized it's not healthy or desirable if those children never exercise their "wings" and fly off to do what the Lord sent them to do in life. 

I also have observed a person whose mother left the family when he was a young boy, and this man never seemed to get over this abandonment. I believe it's possible for him to move on from this sad experience, but his life is a reminder of how important a parent is to children throughout their lives.

It helps to keep in mind that the Lord's plan is for family life to be eternal. For a short while on earth, we sometimes must fly away from each other and do the work He sent us individually to do. Remember the great reunion will come in eternity.

Meanwhile, an empty-nester can do much good, such as family history work and temple work. Also, it's a good time to write one's personal history and share with children and grandchildren. Serving a future mission is also a great goal for empty-nesters. There are numerous ways to stay in touch with children and grandchildren who may live too far away to visit very often. Others have shared the importance of serving both formally and informally in the Church, as well as giving volunteer service in the community. Also, continuing education has been mentioned.

I personally stay very busy gaining an online education, and my present focus is politics! I feel a drive to help preserve our wonderful freedoms. I have also spent years learning about alternative health care and have shared much information to help family and friends and the sisters I visit teach. I have a personal library and never tire of reading and learning. Once again, our knowledge gained may be helpful in serving others.

The book written by Richard and Linda Eyre,  Empty-Nest Parenting , and other such books can be a great help. As the Eyres point out, parenting doesn't end; the ball just moves to a different court!

And finally, for those who are not ready to have an empty nest after their children leave home, there is the possibility of providing a home for other children who need a loving home environment such as with foster parenting. My husband and I hold a foster care license and hope to help some of Heavenly Father's other children.

In conclusion, I recall this scripture in Doctrine and Covenants 59:27: "Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much righteousness." Truly, along with inspiration and guidance from the Lord, we can discover many wonderful things to do in this time of our lives to help enhance our own lives and the lives of others.

A Reader from Kansas

Thanks for your great spiritual perspective, Kansas . You're right — it really helps to look at this time in our lives from an eternal viewpoint. Thanks for letting us use your spiritual telescope.

I'm an empty nester and loving it. The secret is to keep yourself involved — not with your children's lives but with other things, like church assignments.  Be involved in your community.  I think we need to be more "in the community" than anywhere else.  

I'm finding that in some areas the local church leadership sees empty nesters as "too old to lead" — so let them be grannies in nursery or Primary!  We have so much to give in way of leadership skills.  If empty nesters aren't fortunate enough to go on missions, then I think they really need to be involved in teaching leadership skills to the younger generation, who I feel are becoming too casual in the way they do their callings or assignments.  

Being an empty nester is also fun because you get to do more traveling around the country and the world — if you're lucky.  It's all a matter of how much you are willing to put into making your world a great place to be.  

Eleanor J. Smith Maller
British Columbia

Great ideas, Eleanor. It's true, too — our young people need good examples to show them how home teaching should be done, and how to endure through trials, and how to do lots of other things. Even if all you do is to quietly live your life, people are watching you. Everything you say or do in front of others influences them one way or another.

What an inspiration to read the letters from other empty nesters.  In less than five years, we went from having all five kids at home (at least during semester breaks) to having four of them temple-married, and the youngest away at college and preparing to serve a mission when he turns 19 later this year.  After 28 years of being a stay-at-home mom (18 of those years devoted to homeschooling, with kids home all day), this has been a major transition for me.  Of course I miss my children, and I sometimes wish I could go back to those days of diapers, toys, cooking lessons, and merit badges.  But the joy of visiting the faith-filled homes of our married children and playing with our five grandchildren surpasses even my warmest memories of young motherhood. 

Friends used to ask me what I was going to do with myself when all the kids were up and out, and I would reply by asking if they had an hour or two to look over my list.  Now I have the opportunity to tackle that list, and my main problem is deciding where to begin: going back to school, doing family history and temple work, finally getting all those photos sorted and into scrapbooks, quilting, even dusting off my old art supplies to see if I can still draw!  I love having more time to devote to callings and visiting teaching, and to spend with aging parents and grandparents while they are still with us.

I echo the sentiment others have expressed, that this is a sweet time with my husband, enjoying "just the two of us" again. I especially love being able to give him more focused support as we work toward future goals together.  He's been so patient for so many years while my energy and attention were focused on teaching, training, and nurturing kids, and I'm ashamed to think how often he must have felt like the neglected pot on the back burner.  I feel so blessed to have had such support and strength from him over all those demanding years, and I want to be a real strength and blessing to him as we go forward, enjoying this new season of life.

Mardeana Redden
Missouri

How fortunate you are, Mardeana, to realize what a treasure your husband is. Husband are all too easily overlooked, and I hope to spend the rest of my life cherishing the one I've been given.

In response to "Curious Leah" about what it's like when all the kids fly the coop, I feel I can say a little about that. 

After raising six children, four boys and two girls, I thought I would be looking forward to the day when that nest would be empty.  I had several friends tell me how great it would be and that my life would start all over again.

Well, I didn't feel that way when my youngest son left on his mission.  All I felt was, all used up.  I remember standing in my front yard, gazing at the mountains and crying. I said, "Well, I am ready to go Lord, anytime!"

It took me a few months to adjust to clean rooms, made beds and meals that weren't rushed because someone had a football or scout thing to go to.  After the adjustment period, my husband and I actually started to enjoy hobbies and time together that we hadn't made time for before.

Our peace didn't last too long, because their was always a married child that needed to come home with wife and children, or husband, while they were making transitions in employment or schooling.

Now my husband and I work from home and enjoy building a marketing company that has given three of our children a means of support.  I look forward to the mornings, for I know I have a lot to do to keep me busy.  We are working hard so that we can serve a mission some day and so we have a means of support in our old age.

I enjoy the rest of my day now because I can read, paint, talk on the phone, go on a trip and not have to worry about weather Konrad has dinner or Krista makes it to her rehearsals on time.  There is no one to nag except my husband, and it really isn't so bad.  Every time I start feeling sorry for myself I just find a new project, whether it's shopping for something for a grandchild or doing more genealogy. Life is short. I've decided to enjoy each season. I am writing my history and am having a great time.

Karen Christen
Boise, Idaho

Thanks for writing, Karen. I'm sure many readers got a smile when they envisioned you standing in your yard, beating your chest (virtually, at least), and saying, “Take me now, Lord!”

Your idea of starting a company for your family's support has me intrigued. Maybe we can have a future discussion about ways people get involved in family businesses.

My wife and I recently returned from serving an LDS mission in Mexico . We loved the work, teaching, training and mentoring less active members and new converts. There is such a great need for senior missionary couples all over the world. I would suggest that some of the empty nesters consider serving missions. If they are not yet in a position to do so then they can make plans that will allow them to do so when they are prepared to do so.

The best way to get over the sadness of being an empty nester is to lose yourself in the service of others.

Vern Larson
Lehi, Utah

Thanks for the reminder, Vern. I know I can easily while away an hour looking at those little blue papers on the ward bulletin board that advertise missionary openings. I can't choose between New Zealand and Mongolia . People, there's a whole wide world out there. If your health and finances permit, there are people you've never even met who desperately need you.

Here's a practical letter that tells us now is the best time to prepare to be an empty nester in the future:

Certainly you miss your interaction with your children when they leave. However, if you put yourself into celebrating-life mode before they have started their first post-nest experiences, you will find that life continues to be full and rewarding.

Make habits now that make life rich. Enjoy the world around you on a daily basis. Develop the habit of daily meditation and scriptures, cheerfully and thoughtfully visit teach, find questions to pursue answers for and enjoy the learning that comes from that.

One of the biggest mistakes women make is to get their sense of self and worth out of the number of tasks and good works they can accomplish or are called to perform. They think that the more they are doing and the more they are needed, by their children or by others, the better life is and the more fulfilled they will feel.

Actually that's not true. Life is most fulfilling when it is consciously savored and you are fully involved in a few, excellent endeavors that you have purposely chosen to focus on, be they publicly grand or small, at home, and way under everyone's radar. And that kind of life is totally possible with or without nestlings in your nest.

Mary in the Midwest

You make good points, Mary. If we focus on living in the now, no matter what “now” we're in, we won't be shocked when our circumstances change and we find ourselves in a different phase of life.

For those of you who need a swift kick in the seat rather than some gentle persuasion, here's a letter written just for you:

I cannot relate at all to the woman who felt useless when her last child left the home. Good grief, woman, you just got your life back! Not their life, your life! Remember when you were a real person, with a real name other than “David's mom”? When you had your own plans, dreams, goals, interests and activities? Well, it's time to recall who you were BC (before children).

I love my children, but I had plans for when they all left, and now is my time. My husband and I are like newlyweds again, doing things as a couple that we put off for all the “kid years.” With cell phones, email, and texting, I stay in contact at least weekly, and usually several times a week, with all my children, and we still visit regularly, but my life has come back to me. “Hello, Kathy! Remember me? Let's go do some of those things you've been putting off for 30 years.”

Travel and not have to worry about when you need to be home. Turn a bedroom into a craft room, office, whatever you want. Sleep in or even go to bed early. I am no longer a taxi driver, homework checker, school project inventor, no longer warden over who gets home when and who they are with. The freedom is exhilarating. Useless? No! Living life to its fullest? Yes! Get up! Get out! Get your own life!

Kathy R.
South Jordan, Utah

Kathy, your letter was an excellent reminder that all of us have people inside us that have nothing to do with the labels others put on us — or even the labels that we put on ourselves. I cringe when I see the bumper sticker, “Soccer Mom.” Are there really women who define themselves by what their children do for recreation?

Ladies, motherhood may be the most divine occupation, but you are even more than that. If you've forgotten who is inside you, the time has come to meet her again. And that's true even if your kids are still in kindergarten.

Our last two letters on the subject put a different twist on empty nesterdom — looking at the empty nest stage of life from people who are unable to live it. Let's see what they have to say:

I had always looked forward to having my children leave home so I could have some time for myself.  Now that I am retired and my youngest child is now in her thirties, I am still waiting for the empty-nest syndrome to arrive.

Maybe it is because we live in the same town as all three children, all girls, but daily we have a call asking for advice or help from at least one of them — and sometimes all three. 

When our children were teenagers they often told us to "get a life."  Now that we are trying to get a life, we are finding it difficult to arrange our schedule in between the requests that are being made.  Our children are all having problems because of the economic troubles abounding in our society, so we are trying to help where we can.  This involves babysitting while mother works, consulting with teachers about a child who is failing (and his mother cannot take any time off work to talk to the teachers), as well as taxiing a child from home to gymnastics because the mother was delayed at work.

As for the mothers who are concerned about the empty-nest syndrome, enjoy it while it lasts.  It could end at any time — unless your children all live across the country from you.

Linda

Thanks for the reminder, Linda. And parents, that's another thing all of us need to do when the kidlings leave the nest — we need to decide where the boundaries are going to be. Children sometimes need help, but other times they just want it. It's a rough task to decide when “helping” a child is actually hurting, but consultation with your spouse (and perhaps with the children involved) can help you set some guidelines that are fair for everyone.

I just want to say that I would be so delighted to have my children able to leave home and make a life for themselves, but they both have learning difficulties. My daughter has severe learning difficulties and would never be able to cope on her own. Yes, she could go into a “home,” but this is her home and I love her.

My son works for the Royal Mail, and loves his job. Although his difficulties are not as severe as his sister's, he could not manage on his own.

To all you empty nesters, be oh-so-grateful that you have brought up your children to be able to live independently of you. There are so many useful things in this world to do. And if you can't find anything useful, you can always make greetings cards like I do and send them out to brighten someone's day!

United Kingdom Mom

Who says making greeting cards isn't useful, Mom? Those greeting cards can make a huge difference in somebody's life. I know, because they make a huge difference in my life whenever I get them.

People , UK Mom has a point. The little things in life can make a big difference. If you're finding yourself lost and adrift for whatever reason, see a need and fill it. If that doesn't do the trick, find another need and fill that . Soon you'll be too busy to grieve, and in the process of losing yourself you may just find yourself again.

Until next week — Kathy

“Of all the haunting moments of motherhood,
few rank with hearing your own words come out of your daughter's mouth.”

Victoria Secunda