Never having had a nest with fledglings in it, I had no idea how traumatic it can be to have all the baby birds leave home. Reading the responses to “Curious Leah” I realized this is a big problem for a lot of people. Thanks to all you Meridian readers for enlightening me and giving some great advice to Leah. Read on for some real gems:

When my youngest left home, it was like the book of my life slammed shut.  I was miserable.  Slowly I realized those years were not a book but a chapter.  I busied myself with doing all the things I couldn't do when I was raising our brood.  I started sketching and then experimented with watercolors that were rather horrible but fun to do.   I finished my degree work.  I started a business with my husband.  I took time “to smell the roses.”  And best of all, the strong love I've always had for my husband grew even stronger.   So my advice to women feeling sad because their children have left home is, open the next chapter .

Loretta from Florence

What a beautiful sentiment, Loretta! And this can apply to us in any period of change in our lives — from high school graduation to a move across country. Thanks for sharing your thoughts.

Funny how my friends with kids at home envy my free time and lifestyle.  They give advice on how they would handle the empty nest, but they have no clue just how empty it can become.  It sounds romantic and at times it is, but other days it is so very lonely.

I am a divorced parent who raised my sons on my own pretty much since they were born.   I had plenty to do during the years with working full time, earning their rank of Eagle (thanks to me), returned missionaries (thanks to them) and college educated (thanks to us). They are independent men now who are assets to our society. I spent years getting them to this point, so how come I feel so empty without them? They have moved on and I feel left behind.  I'm no longer their leader, and I am learning how to be a follower in their world.  

I've had to learn a new communication style. It's called, "how to talk with adult children and have them love me still."   I've learned the hard way that it's not wise to tell a grown man to do this or that.   Recently I was told, "Mom I'm married and have been paying my own bills for years now. I can handle this."   He is absolutely right!   I had lost perspective.   The rules have changed and I have no clue how to play the game!  

I finally sat them down and admitted that I didn't have the owner's manual and I needed their help in communicating with them — adult to adult.   They were more than glad to help and it gave them the courage to speak to me as a friend and not fearing that they would hurt their mother's feelings if they were open.  

I sit at home wondering what to do with my time.  I work long hours just so I don't have to go home to an empty house. When I'm out shopping and it gets late I'm delighted that no one cares what time I get in. Then the next day I'm out and I get sad to realize that no one cares what time I get in. Each day is a new adventure in my growth.    

I have taken more community classes than I'd like to admit and I still can't play the ukulele, take a good picture, swim a mile, or belly dance!  But the point is I tried something new and I filled the hours that are void of boys and noise.   Another thing I do is to invite friends of my sons over for dinner and now I get calls asking for motherly advice.  Now that's an awesome by-product.   I also like to pick up strays — you know the kind of kids I'm talking about in the neighborhood.   I also pamper the youth in my ward and the Primary kids.  It's sweet when they run up and call my name. They know I love them.

My saving grace of this whole empty nest thing is my daughter-in-law. She created an online blog and keeps it updated with pictures, stories, and videos of what my grandchildren are doing. As a mother she now understands the loneliness I feel having no one in my home to nurture.  I give her complete credit for my connection with my grandchildren who live far from me.  Thank you Deseret!

The empty nest thing still plagues me, but I'm getting better at it.

Your letter taught me a whole lot, Anastasia. It sounds as though you have a terrific personality, with a great sense of humor. It also seems that you feel adrift. I hope some of the people who have had experience in this area can give you some advice that works for you. Even though you're making the lives of people around you better, it's sad that you're lacking a sense of fulfillment in your own life.

Regarding empty nesters, in my experience the empty nester should have no fear of lack of church callings.  All she has to do is to make herself available.  My sons who serve in bishoprics have told me that many older sisters turn down callings with an attitude of, "Been there, done that."  With your experience as a mom, consider your responsibility to help "mother" some of the younger people in the ward.  If you truly have a desire to serve, you'll find myriads of ways. 

Older, "Been There, Still Doing It"

You're right, Older. Clark and I have home taught several ladies and know other ladies and men who believe that retirement applies to church callings as well as to employment. Everyone is free to choose, of course, but it seems to me that life is a lot more interesting if you keep yourself busy and useful.

I'm thrilled to be an empty nester (almost).  My 24-year-old daughter gets married next week.  My youngest is on a mission, and when he gets home he'll head straight to school.  My house is quiet.  I can come and go when I want.  My schedule isn't tied to the school schedule.  However, here's what I'm personally struggling with. 

My excitement at being able to finally begin a career (I have two college degrees) and travel has been squashed by the recession.  I can't find a job; my husband was laid off last fall.  Our retirement fund has tanked.  I can't afford to travel now.  I finally identified my feeling — sadness. 

Staying home was a sacrifice for me.  Motherhood didn't come naturally to me.  I had to work at it and I did, but now I want to enjoy being an empty nester and my options have evaporated.

Recession Empty Nester

That's a sad story, Recession. I have a feeling there are a lot of people in your leaky boat. In fact, this may be good for an upcoming column. I'll give it a thought.

I was a single mom with an empty nest for 12 months (until they started returning), and found it to be a wonderful time for myself! I was less distracted by the needs of others and could concentrate on me for a change! How refreshing! I was able to resurrect hobbies and interests that I had placed on hold while I was managing children and household. I went back to college, organized scrapbooks for each of my kids and myself — I could go on about some of the things I accomplished.

I am re-married now, and feel as if I have never been busier. My dear husband and I are empty-nesters, but we are so busy I often say to myself, “I thought as I got older and the kids left, I would have more “free" time.” Well, it just doesn't seem to happen that way, at least not for us.  There is so much more out there that we want to do, that finding the time to do them is more of a concern for us!

It seems Leah has the intentions of be productive in the absence of her daughter, but cannot bring herself around to doing or participating in these things.

Curious Leah mentions, "When my daughter is with her dad for a month in the summer, I don't do those things: I just go through the motions of life with a heavy heart."  Is it possible Leah may have underlying issues with her daughter's visit with her father?  She should explore this possibility and why she might be having a heavy heart.  Her daughter is connecting with her father, and this is a good thing. She is experiencing life, which is another good thing.  Going away builds her independence, and once again this is a good thing.  Unless her daughter is distraught or stresses about being with her father or he has parenting issues, Leah should have no cause to be concerned.

My fear is if the daughter is aware of how her visits with her father affect her mother.  I would hope Leah has not shared her loneliness or sadness with her daughter, because it is not fair to burden her daughter with her feelings.  She may be suffering from a case of depression. If this is a possibility, she should speak to her physician or therapist.

May I suggest that when her daughter is gone, Leah schedule and commit herself to various community activities or events such as a mini-vacation or excursion, dates with friends, doctor appointments and the like. Schedule things that require a financial or time commitment for an important event or appointment where the time of others is also required, helping her to keep busy and engaged. Select things that either have to be done, or that she wants to do! Be a volunteer, attend a conference, seminar, schedule grandkids to come to Grandma Camp or go visit other family!  There is so much she can do! 

Thanks for some great suggestions, Donna. Your advice would also be helpful when a person is coming up on a painful anniversary or any other occasion when depression or other negative thoughts may take over. If you have something exciting or useful to occupy your mind when you might otherwise be unhappy, it can make a big difference.

Our next letter comes with a question. Here it is:

I was just reading the article on empty nesters and thought I would ask a question I would love answered.

I have been a stay-at-home mom for 32 years. Our last daughter just got married. What does a stay-at-home LDS empty nester mom do?

My husband works full time so he isn't home.  I have lost myself for so long in this role, I don't know what to do. Nothing sounds appealing to me anymore. I have pushed me aside for so long, I forgot how not to.

I have talked to other people in my situation who feel the same way. I am looking forward to this article; I really need it.

Paula

Paula, I think it's safe to say that just about everyone responding here is LDS. Not all have had the opportunity of being stay-at-home mothers, but a good proportion of them have. Be sure to read all of this week's column and next week's for ideas. Maybe one of the letters will trigger an interest in you.

I am in the middle of going through being an empty nester and being single again, all at 50 years old.  It sucks! 

I was writing in my journal just last week about this subject and I asked the question, “What used to make me happy and feel important and useful?”  It was when I was a wife and mother — when I was raising my kids. when I was active with them, going and doing and taking them places.  I felt loved, needed and wanted. 

I now have none of that.  It is only me to take care of.  I have no purpose in life.  No one needs me.  Oh sure yeah, family and friends say they do.  I have my visiting teachers and I am a visiting teacher and they need me.  But it just isn't the same. 

I love the analogy regarding the handcart and falling flat on your face.  It is perfect. 

I had a heart attack 18 months ago.  My husband left me after the heart attack because he couldn't handle me not being able to take care of him.  My son (last of 4 children) left the nest the day after my husband left.  I changed careers, I turned 50 years old, and I started college, all within eight months.  It is six months since I started college, and I am just realizing with summer coming and not having classes for the summer that I don't know what to do with myself.  Everyone seems to have a life, but me.  And when I try and get a life, then someone (family or friends) thinks I am crazy for doing what I am doing or says that I don't need to do it and then make me feel crazy.

I have got to a point that I am just saying, it is cool with Heavenly Father what I would like to do and experience, and I am going to do it.  Being an empty nester is very hard.  We have got into a groove of sacrifice to all of those we love and making everyone else happy (which makes us happy), and poof we don't even realize that we like Brussels sprouts!

I would love to help with this.  There needs to be a blog site that we can on in and talk to others about this.  I am sure others are feeling like I do, but not anyone I know and so I have no one to talk to without being told I am crazy and need to do this or that and they don't know what is real.

Teri

Teri, it sounds as though you have given yourself an assignment. If you'd like to start a blog for empty nesters and others in your situation, I'll gladly post the address here so you can get some readers. Meanwhile, don't worry about whether people think you're crazy for following your dreams. As you have recently learned, if you and your Heavenly Father are fine with what you're doing in your life, those are the only two beings that matter.

I have an empty nest (unless the cat counts), and there are benefits and there are deficits. It is just so quiet; after years of living with musicians it is an obvious loss. But, I accidentally planned ahead so that I'm not left with time on my hands. I went back to college and I am an elementary teacher. It's not for everyone — just like motherhood, you're never “done”; you just stop working at some point every day. So, you might consider a job. Also, you might consider just volunteering regularly if you don't want or need to work full time.

If, however, you are working already, and therefore are quite busy, you've noticed the really hard part of the empty nest: you still care about those grown children with the same intensity that you did when they were small, but you no longer have the power to do anything about it. They're grown and gone, they have a life, and they wish to be in charge of it.

It's not that they hate you, or ignore you. It's just that they are adults and they don't need you like they once did. The shocking part is that this transition occurs so quickly (sort of). One day (it seems) you're up to your eyeballs in laundry and carpools and merit badges, and the next week — poof! — everyone grew up and moved out and you're alone with a clean house and no one to eat the food you'd still like to cook.

Two important things: You need to be working on that marriage of yours all through the years of motherhood, because when it is just the two of you, it won't be much fun if he's turned into a stranger. The next important thing is to let your children grow up and leave you behind. They must, or you haven't been an effective parent. You left your childhood home and started your own life and family, they ought to also. It's the plan!

If you feel left out at church, get in there and volunteer to help. Don't sit around feeling sorry for yourself. If you don't have a calling, go ask the Primary president if she needs a substitute she can call on at the last minute. When it's Pinewood Derby time, sign up to bring food and show up that night to cheer on other people's Cubs. Go and help the Young Women who are trying to get a big project finished.  Make yourself indispensable.

Don't forget to enjoy the perks. If you're home alone now you can eat popcorn and call it dinner, if you're not in the mood to cook. You can watch whatever you feel like watching on TV!  You can always bake that fancy dessert and walk across the street and share it for someone else's Family Home Evening, saving just one piece for yourself.

It is a weird time because in your brain you still feel 39, but your firstborn is 32. Don't let your sore knees bring you down; get out there and enjoy life. You've certainly earned it after all those years of taking care of everyone else. It's an empty nest, but it's still full of memories.

“Busy Still”
Las Vegas, Nevada

What an upbeat letter, Busy! I can vouch for the truth of it, too.

Once we realized we weren't going to be reproducing, Clark and I faced the same situation that any outsiders face. We realized we were in a family church, and we didn't have the very component that makes most people families. We realized that a lot of people in our situation would sit in a corner, licking their wounds, but we didn't want to do that. We decided we'd carve out a place for us in our ward even if it meant hacking out a spot with a (virtual) machete. It took a few years and a lot of creativity, but now we're in the thick of everything. Anyone can do it, as long as you look for needs that aren't being filled, and fill them.

This past year, I too was facing the empty nest quandary.  I found myself feeling empty and unimportant.  My husband kept reminding me that this was a sign of our "success."  Our children were doing just what we had raised them to do — become responsible people and actually "fly" on their own away from the nest.  My brain knew that, but my heart did not.  As I voiced a few concerns, my missionary son wrote home and empathized briefly with me and then wrote, "Mom, do you really want all of us to be in our thirties and still living at home with no progression?"  I knew what my husband and children were reminding me was true, but I still felt that tremendous letdown. 
 
I prayerfully approached my challenge and had given my new stage in life much thought. As I attended our regional conference last May, my heart was drawn out in prayer and the only answer I sought that day was about my new life as an empty nester.  I received several small promptings but as I listened to Sister Cheryl Lant of the General Primary Presidency speak, the message I had been seeking was loud and clear!  Not one other person may have gotten the same message from her talk but it came with power and I knew that our Father in Heaven was speaking to me.  I was clearly told that it is now my time to "nurture" others.  I have spent many years nurturing my own husband and children and that never stops, but now Heavenly Father wants me to reach much farther than just my own little family circle.  I don't have to have a major church calling to do that.  In fact, it helps if I don't.  I knew Heavenly Father was giving me clear instruction.
 
From there, I have spent much time seeking out ways to serve others.  It has actually sweetened experiences with my own children.  I have been able to watch them as they soar in their many directions and goals and be a part of the things they want me to be a part of, but I also feel very blessed and fulfilled in spending time with others.  My list is very long of the ways I can help others and progress without having to mourn the "loss" of my children.  One of those things has been to work on the relationship with my very own husband.  It has been a time of sweet renewal for our marriage and the two of us.  It has been a chance to remember how much I love him and why I married him — to devote myself to him and our friendship.  As we ask Heavenly Father for help, he magnifies the beauty of our relationship.
 
Do I miss our children?  Oh yes, I miss them, but technology has made it possible that I can send a little text or an email anytime I'd like just to cheer them on, and I can call once in awhile to check in. Many times I wait for them to call me.  I try not to overwhelm them with any expectations or guilt trips of the things I wish for.  I try to be their biggest earthly cheerleader!

I try often to think of our Father in Heaven and how he has given me agency and the freedom to fly.  Sometimes, I think I'm so capable and feel so strong.  Often I am reminded how weak I am and how I need him, every day.  I am nothing without him but He leaves it up to me to "call" on him, to ask for help or advice.  He does not force my decisions or overwhelm me with guilt but allows me the freedom to spread my wings and fly, knowing that as I fly in the right direction with his encouragement, it means we can be an eternal family. 

There is much to be learned from our pre-mortal relationships (with a lifetime of learning still ahead), but I have come to understand that this is meant to be a time of blessing, not of mourning; a time of fulfillment, not emptiness.  Some days I fall back into the "I wish" or "poor me" mode, but am quickly reminded there are countless ways to serve others and when I am serving others and nurturing, I always feel happy.
 
Robyn Martin 
Bountiful, Utah

What a great letter, Robyn! And you're right — there are people all around us who need a little extra love. If any of you empty-nesters don't see them, pray to have your eyes opened. There is a lot of good in your own ward for you to do.

Here's a letter that recommends a book written just for empty-nesters, by one of my favorite couples:

May I recommend Empty Nest Parenting by Linda and Richard Eyre?  I bought and read it several years before the last chick flew the coop.

I was a little concerned that I would be bored or lonely after raising kids for nearly 30 years, but so far that has not proven to be the case.  In June 2008, my youngest graduated from high school.  The following weekend, I moved into a WWII-era Craftsman duplex in the cultural district of a nearby city.  There is room for them to come to dinner, one at a time; there is no room for them to move in with me.  I am a little nearer to my youngest grandchildren and not much farther from the older ones.  We all seem to be reasonably comfortable with the new arrangement.

A few weeks ago I was starting to feel a little restless, and I remember commenting idly in the general direction of the ceiling that it would be nice to know what He would like me to do next.  Less than two weeks later, I was called to be the Relief Society president in my ward.

I was a young adult convert to the Church and have always wanted to serve a mission.  Now, to all intents and purposes, I am serving one, with no vaccinations or passport required.  Naturally, I have no idea how long this mission/calling will last, but in the meantime my chances of being bored, lonely, or feeling useless are about the same as those of a snowball in Houston.

(Your mileage may vary, but it's still wise to be careful what you pray for.)

Lynn Elliott Cary
Formerly of Arlington, Texas

Thanks for a good reminder, Lynn, that when we make ourselves available to the Lord to perform service, he's more than likely to take us up on it.

Our last two letters today extol the joys of an empty-nest existence. I hope you'll find them as inspiring as I did:

My husband and I are both retired and our children are all grown and on their own now. Empty nest living is just what you make it and of course we miss our children when they are not around, but we certainly are grateful for the time we can now spend focusing on other things.

My advice to Curious Leah and other worried empty nesters to be is the same as the advice President's Hinckley 's father once gave him: “Forget yourself and go to work.”  The “golden” years can be the best time of your life if you will spend more time worrying about others and serving them and less time worrying about your “aloneness.”

So what if the ward doesn't give you a calling? Become the most thoughtful person in the ward. Make it your mission to visit the sick and afflicted, particularly those in nursing homes. Send thank you notes to people who give good talks in sacrament meeting, volunteer to work at the blood drive, sign up to sing in the ward choir, go to the temple regularly, write letters to the editor, join a book club, volunteer to read to children at the library or school near your home, sign up for adult education classes, learn to knit or repair cars (or whatever it is you always wanted to do but never could find time for when the children were small).

Do your visiting teaching twice a month, or call the VT supervisor and volunteer to go teaching anytime someone needs a substitute to go with them. Ask your Relief Society president if you can help her by sending birthday cards to every woman in the ward, write to the missionaries and those serving in the armed services from your ward. I could go on and on and on. Of course there will be blue days and times when you don't want to get out of bed in the morning, but if we focus on the things we can do and find joy in the journey which is leading us home to our Father in Heaven, I believe we will be too happy to be sad!

Sandy in Corvallis Oregon

What a great letter, Sandy ! Thanks for all those terrific suggestions. Being “the most thoughtful person in your ward” is usually a job that's open, no matter where you live.

Well, let me tell you, I do not feel useless as an empty nester.  I have 7 children, 10 grandchildren, am Relief Society president, have a garden, am needed to help my husband with his business, have lunch with friends to get and give advice, and help my mother who lives nearby.  I do miss the kids coming home from school, knowing there is a game, play, or concert to go watch them participate in, or having them help weed the garden.  But life does go on. 

I was put in as the Relief Society president three weeks before my daughter's twins were born.  I haven't stopped running since.  I help babysit the twins, go to concerts with my married daughter, visit the kids and grandkids out of town, take phone calls from the kids on how to take care of teething babies (or when to plant tomatoes), take my mom to the store, and we won't even go into the Relief Society part. 

My “baby” is on a mission in CA.  I really miss all of my children, and once they leave the house, even when they come home to stay for awhile it is never the same.  But there are always camp outs, reunions, weddings, blessings, coming home to see Grandma and Grandpa, and other activities that keep things lively. I haven't even gotten to any of my projects, like organizing pictures, redoing address books, deep cleaning, or repainting the kitchen.

I think we just have to decide that we are still useful and get out there and participate.   The Lord always needs ladies to do compassionate service and be great visiting teachers.  Empty nesters are usually more readily available for such things.  And I have been raising children since before I was born.  I am only “21” and only have one child younger than me now.  You are only as young as you think you are.  What you fear, you create so don't fear — cheer .

Nan from Idaho

Thanks, Nan, for a rundown on just a few of the things empty-nesters can be doing to enrich their lives. Life is as exciting as we make it.

We have enough letters for another week on this subject, so if your questions haven't been answered yet, check back next week.

Until next time — Kathy

“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”

Dorothy Parker