For several weeks we have heard from people all across the Church who have been friendless — or have seen others who were friendless — in a sea of worshippers. Today's letters show us that all of us, from new move-ins to the recently widowed, may one day find ourselves on the outside looking in.

Here are their stories:

This story sounds familiar with a move that my family and I made a few years back. When we first moved to this new state we rented an apartment and attended the ward we were in. This ward was very friendly and helpful and made us feel very welcome and at home.

When we found a home we wanted to purchase, we started to attend that ward. At first they seemed very friendly and the elders' quorum was going to come and help us move our things into the new home. No one showed up to help. First we contacted the bishop and were informed that wasn't his problem and said to call the elders quorum president. After several hours we finally got in touch with him and he told us that it was too bad, and he couldn't do anything about it. I told him that I would just have to do it myself. About 20 minutes later, he showed up and helped me unload the truck. As we finished unloading the truck, I reached out to thank him, and he refused to accept my hand and said nothing as he got into his vehicle and left.

It was downhill from there. The ward was not friendly, and we watched as the members didn't treat any of the new families any better than they treated us. My wife and I considered returning to the ward we were in temporarily while looking for a home to purchase. But after some discussion we decided that if we left, the ward would never be any better.

So we went out of our way to meet all of the new people that came into the ward. Eventually we received callings and tried to magnify them to the best of our ability. The ward never really changed, but we still were able to create friendships with many of the new people in the ward and helped to welcome other new families into the ward.

In time things started to change, and then there was a change in the bishopric. The new bishop was friendlier and was willing to work hard to change the atmosphere in the ward. We moved shortly after that to an outstanding ward.

Rob Andrews

Thanks for sharing your story, Rob. Although it was harder to stay in the ward where you were assigned, I'm glad you chose to do so. Things never get better if people just sit on the sidelines and feel sorry for themselves — or if they bail out of the situation altogether. Your choice to make the ward friendlier than you found it affected more people than you know.

Read on for another letter from a male reader:

I am writing from a guy's perspective, but wanted to share a couple of thoughts.  Our ward is very friendly. Visitors to our ward consistently tell us this, and we have a reputation in the stake, according to our stake leaders, for being a friendly group.

We have tried having people over for dinner as a way to get acquainted and enlarge our circle of friends. We don't do this as often as we would like, but have done it on an irregular basis.  We invited people because we wanted to get to know them a bit better. Out of all the people we had for dinner, in the twenty years we have been in the ward, no family that we had for dinner has had us to their place for dinner in return. Don't misunderstand me; that is not why we made the invitation to each of these families. But I find it interesting that this is the case and sometimes wonder why the lack of a return invitation.  Maybe we are really a busy people? I don't know.

On the other hand, I do feel a bit isolated from our ward leaders socially.  Maybe part of this is self-imposed. I think, “Boy, I would like to invite the bishop and his family over for dinner, but they probably wouldn't have time because they are so busy.  However, I am pretty confident that he and his family have a social life.  It's just that we are not part of that circle.  The same thought extends on up the ladder to the stake-level leaders.

It would be interesting to hear from those who are ward and stake leaders about their thoughts on this topic. How often do they mix socially outside of ward and stake activities with those who are not in their leadership circle? Or is it just that we consider ward and stake activities to be our social activities and nothing happens outside this sphere?

Bob Taylor

I don't know you personally, Bob, but I can tell what our bishop's wife told me a few years ago. We were hosting a monthly game night in our home, and she called me to ask when that night was going to be. She said to me that as soon as her husband got called as bishop, everyone was afraid to bother him by inviting him out for social occasions. She said she and her husband were starved for social interaction with other members of the ward.

After all, “leadership circles” don't last forever. If people restrict their friendships to people who serve with them in callings, their friendships will last only as long as the callings do. You didn't ask for my advice, but I'm going to give it anyway. Knock yourself out. Invite your bishop and his family over for dinner. They may be wondering why you've invited everyone else and you haven't invited them!

As for people not reciprocating, there are a lot of reasons for that. People are sometimes ashamed of their surroundings (either they'll be embarrassed about their own home or ashamed of their housekeeping abilities — or lack thereof). People sometimes have animals that may not mesh well with visitors. They may be uncomfortable about their hosting skills or their cooking prowess. Their children may be out of control, and they'd prefer to get away. There are a zillion different reasons why your invitations may not have been reciprocated, and most of them have nothing to do with you personally.

Clark and I do a lot of entertaining, and about ninety percent of it is in our own house. I'm glad for that, because it means we control what food we'll serve and it gives us the incentive to keep the house clean. If you want people to come over, invite them over. Do it often enough and your home may become the social center of the ward.

As a sister going on 68 and living in Salt Lake , I was surprised to see the many comments on cliques in the Church.  What a sad commentary on members of the Church!

If we are to become a Zion people before the Second Coming, we obviously have a long, long way to go.  The Lord has told us again and again if we are not one, we are not His.  This topic also reminded me of the parable of the Ten Virgins.  They were all members of the Church (interesting that the Lord used women in this parable). 

I would think this subject should be addressed by bishops and Relief Society presidents and perhaps the Relief Society General Board in a general meeting.  This kind of behavior is totally contrary to Christ's teachings, and individuals who are part of a group that excludes anyone else, is in serious need of repentance.  It appears just one more way the adversary uses to divide and conquer.

Utah Observer

You're right, Observer. I'm glad you pointed out Doctrine and Covenants 38:27 — which is the strongest argument in the scriptures for unity among the Lord's servants. What are we thinking when we leave people out?

Before we end with our last letter on the subject, we have two letters that clarify letters that appeared in last week's column, “Taking the Friendship Initiative”. First, here's a letter from a ward clerk who wants to clear up a question that was brought up last week about membership records:

Regarding the comments in "Taking the Friendship Initiative" on April 6, 2009, the Relief Society president Mommy Nolan commented about waiting for the records to arrive. 

As a membership clerk in the U.S. , if she will get a person's full name and the date of birth, the membership records can usually be obtained overnight, and by the next Sunday with no problem.  If the membership clerk is even halfway efficient, the records will arrive. 

Our ward leaders receive a list of all the new members whose records we have received during the week, along with a list of those who have moved out, plus changes of addresses or phone numbers of those who have had changes within the ward. 

I try to give a copy of the membership record, called an IOS (Individual Ordinance Summary), to everyone who moves in.  It is amazing how many errors there are, even though the records are on the computer. 

During tithing settlement, we give copies of the IOS to everyone who comes to tithing settlement. 

If you don't have a copy of your IOS, request one!  You will need your membership record number and date of confirmation in order to log on the ward website.  And check it for accuracy! 

Certificates of blessings, baptisms, and ordinations should be provided in a timely manner after the event.

You can provide a great service in sharing this information to those who read your column.

Membership Clerk

Thanks for the information, Membership Clerk. It's amazing how many people don't realize how helpful ward clerks can be — not only with their individual membership records and tithing receipts, but also with the attendance records that are taken in auxiliary classes and even sacrament meetings. I believe I mentioned once before how our ward Relief Society attendance went from the lowest in our stake to the highest in one three-month period, for no other reason that Clark (whose very name means “clerk”) became membership clerk in our ward and removed all the names of people on the rolls who had died or moved away. People, your ward clerks are unsung heroes. Be nice to them! Give them their props!

Our other reference to last week's column is a response to The Crazy Lady from Phoenix, Arizona, who mentioned the phenomenon of the STP (Same Twenty People) being called to do everything in any particular ward. Here is how she involves people who are outside the STP designation:

I just wanted to share one idea.

When I teach a lesson, I try to involve sisters who are not normally asked to participate. I have noticed in the various wards I have attended that the same women are called on to give prayers, read scriptures, and otherwise participate.

As I have asked women to give prayers or participate, some have thanked me for including them in the lesson. These are usually the calmer, quieter type of personality who are very capable, just not as extroverted — which is OK!

One sister told me after I asked her to give a prayer that it was the first time some one had ever asked her in that ward to pray. I wondered why she had seemed so surprised!

Also, I often attend a ward out of state. I am asked very often in that ward to participate, even though I am not familiar with most of the members.  Because I am gone so much (1/3 to 1/4 of the time), I am seldom asked to participate in my home ward. Wards have different personalities, and some welcome new faces more than others.

Traveling Sister

Thanks, Traveler, for giving us a suggestion that is so simple we all can use it. Ladies, if you find yourself looking for class or activity participants — or even for counselors or secretaries or teachers — don't just grab the first person whose name comes to mind. Unless the first name that comes to mind was put there by inspiration, try focusing on people who aren't usually in the limelight. You might inadvertently help other lights to shine.

The last word in this topic (not just this week, but this topic!) goes to a person who thought she was surrounded by friends — until the unthinkable happened. When her husband died at age 50, she found that she had lost even more than her husband. Here is her story in her own words:

Is this about cliques or is it about death of a spouse and widowhood?  I haven't read on Meridian for awhile but tonight after getting off my shift at the temple I got on and read the comments on both of these subjects in one setting.  But even if I hadn't, I think the two would have run together in my mind. 

Many people have said my ward is the most cliquish in the area, but I never felt that way when I moved in 20 years ago.  My family just jumped in and started serving.  With a large family and both parents in multiple positions and always trying to be friendly to everyone, there was never much time to worry about cliques (which we didn't think existed).  I see things differently now.

My husband died at age fifty, leaving me with three of our six children still at home. Having children still at home buffered the loneliness while they were still under my roof.  

What has affected me the most in being a widow is the sudden loss of companionship — not just my husband's, but friends in general.

Ward friends who had couples parties every year apparently crossed me off their lists when he died.  He was the life of the party when he was alive, so this left me feeling like I was only invited because of the entertainment value of his presence.  Other family friends with whom we had shared 20 years of family parties no longer invited our family and gradually quit accepting our family's invitations.  Even my own circle of female friends, who I thought were tried and true, didn't have time to wait for me to feel like participating in activities with them again.  After I didn't accept their invitations for a couple of months because I just didn't feel like it or was so busy with the details of settling the estate and caring for my family, they quit asking.  When I was able to catch my breath and called them, they were hurt that I hadn't had time for them before and no longer found time for me.  If felt like they had discovered their clique didn't need me after all. 

The singles in my ward who had family home evenings on Monday nights didn't work for me when I had children still at home.  After the children left the only singles left in the ward had activities during the day when I was at work or caring for my mother because they didn't like to go out at night. 

To my Relief Society president's credit, I was assigned two sets of visiting teachers because I might need extra help after my husbands death.  For the next year, one sister came some of the time to discuss politics with me and the others didn't come at all but expressed embarrassment at church about not coming.  My home teacher and his wife came monthly and I enjoyed their visits immensely.  Then she stopped coming.  I still appreciate his visits, though they are much shorter without his wife there.  I would like to go to high priest socials and firesides with someone, though.  Occasionally I go, but it's easy to talk myself into staying home when I have to go alone. 

How did I prepare for this?  I prepared by being quite independent my whole life.  My husband always said I would make a great hermit because though I socialize well and enjoy making others comfortable and entertained in social situations, I can entertain myself quite well with a good book or an interesting documentary on TV.  I have never been bored in life because I can always find something to do.  I have always been close to my children and now grandchildren, and their lives and activities help to fill my time.  I spend many hours at the temple and help to take care of my elderly mother.  When I am at church or at social events I have always looked for those who are alone to sit by so I could make their time there more pleasant.  It is true that we find our life when we lose it in the service of others.

Still, I was not prepared to be alone in my ward, to no longer be part of any group, to realize that their are cliques that exclude widows.

I am not writing this to elicit sympathy or to ask for suggestions on how I could remedy the situation, it may be too late to include this in the column on either cliques or preparing for the death of a spouse but perhaps there could be a column on remembering those who have lost a spouse.   I am not depressed or upset about it for myself — just a little surprised at how easy it is to be forgotten. These letters on preparing for the death of a spouse and cliques brought all this to my mind. 

I am generally a very happy person who is satisfied with my life.  I have adjusted, and the Lord has told me that in the future I will not be alone. But I do wonder how many other widows or widowers have or will experience the same thing in their wards and not be as strong in the gospel and able to adjust to the loneliness or to l the cliques that leave us out.  I hope all will ask if there is anyone in their ward, maybe even one who seems to be a pillar of the ward, who is being left out.  

Suddenly Excluded

Your letter was a powerful reminder, Suddenly, that even people who are in the thick of their community's social life can find themselves alone virtually overnight. Your scenario was really scary, and I hope it isn't a common situation.

Although you didn't ask for advice and I'm not going to even attempt to give you any, I hope that everyone who reads this letter will take a mental inventory of the people in their ward, looking for people who may be left out of the excitement — through widowhood, or being single, or being new, or for any other reason. There is a whole lot of discussion in the Church on how we can bring new members in, but I can't help thinking that the people who are already in the Church but who are on the fringes are just as important to the Lord as the people who have never heard about the gospel. If you keep one person from falling away, you will have done as great a service as if you had brought a new person in. If someone you loved were on the fringes, wouldn't you hope someone else would extend a lifeline to your loved one? The Golden Rule definitely applies in this situation.

One of our readers did some research and came up with a wonderful talk on this subject. If you haven't read “A Living Network” by Chieko N. Okazaki, I highly recommend it. In this talk, she told the story of her father, who caught fish in a net. She said, “Each Relief Society should be a gathering of sisters who cherish each other, not choosing some to keep and throwing some back. All of us are worth keeping.” Then she went on to tell her listeners how and why we should do it.

Next time we move on to a new topic. And yes, it's going to open another can of worms. Sometimes I feel as though I should open a bait shop.

Until next week — Kathy

"At his best, man is the noblest of all animals;
separated from law and justice he is the worst.”

Aristotle