From the condition of my mailbox, it seems as though Latter-day Saints are a people on the move. Many Circle readers have moved into new wards and found themselves looking for friends. The ones who have stayed put have seen new people moving in, trying to find a place in the local LDS community. Here is their advice on how to make friendships in an unfamiliar ward.

We have moved around a lot and have been in 10 wards since we were married. Some wards have been easier than others to make friends and we find that with each move we get to reinvent ourselves.  Each new move gives us a clean slate to make changes. There are always things we can work on to be better Latter-day Saints.

When I hear a statement like, “We should all just…” I cringe. You can't control what others do. You can only change what you do.  If you expect others to come out of their comfort zone and approach you, then you will be disappointed.

Here are some tips to making friends fast:

Remember that there are others like you that are also looking for friends. They just need you to come out of your comfort zone and approach them. Don't wait for things to happen; make things happen.

Bradley Dangerfield
Johnstown, Colorado

Bradley, I really appreciated what you said about using a move as an opportunity to reinvent yourself. There were several times in my long, long past when I wanted to pick up and start over, leaving all my obnoxious personality traits behind. You're right ? moving to a new area is a perfect opportunity to start afresh. If I ever get uprooted from the Only True Ward, I hope I remember that.

Why is it when I hear a story like yours I want to apologize, in behalf of the Church, for every sister who is or has experienced [being ignored or slighted by cliques in a church setting]?  I know the Church is true and that we as members are all on different levels of growth within this great gospel, but come on sisters, isn't friendship as basic as it comes? So here are a few of my thoughts on how to fellowship yourself in (as sad as that may sound):

Your Sister in Zion

You make some good points, Zion. I especially liked your counsel to “give it time.” It takes a while for people to adapt to new situations. Often, giving it time is exactly what is needed to make a person feel less like an outsider in a strange land.

Speaking of giving it time, here's a letter from someone who semi-patiently waited for eight years until she was able to fit in:

I was in my ward for almost eight years before I felt accepted.  It was very hard.  Most of the people in my ward fit a very specific demographic, and I didn't.  My mother-in-law refers to the STP in every ward.  You know, the "Same Twenty People."  You will see those same 20 people in every leadership position, at every activity, and involved in all social interaction.  If you invite the STP to a party the whole ward will show up.  If they don't go, no one will. 

Don't get me wrong. The STP are usually amazing people who serve often and generously.  They are kind and gracious and usually very welcoming.  I just felt inadequate. 

Now I have been in the ward 10 years and I love the people.  By no means am I part of the STP, and I likely never will be.  I have taken the time to get to know people on an individual basis and to see what we have in common.  I stopped caring if everyone liked me; it really isn't why I am at church. 

I also starting serving with more attention.  When I have a calling I get to know the people and interact as best I can.  While sometimes I still feel very alone I realized that my crazy personality is exactly me, and if I try and change to fit in I will not be happy.  It may seem like we are back in high school, but not all people have to be my friend and I don't have to be a part of every group.  The Lord knows where I fit, and as long as I remember that He knows where that is I assume that I will figure it out eventually.

The Crazy Lady from Phoenix, Arizona

Thanks for your letter, Crazy. I've seen the STP phenomenon even here in the East, and in fact I paid great attention to it when I was serving as ward activities chairman. You're right ? the success of any activity depends on having the ward leaders (from the bishop on down) in attendance.

Although I'll never be one of the STP in any ward, I've found that ward leaders can't lead unless they have people to sustain them. I make myself a cheerleader in that regard, working from the background to help the people who are at the forefront succeed. If you're an absolutely reliable supporter, you'll have a place in the ward that is every bit as important as the places of ward leadership. But since the buck doesn't stop with you, you have the best of all worlds.

Dear Sister in Colorado, I know where you are coming from.  I was a Navy wife and after Navy life, we moved several times due to my husband's work.  I have been on the outside of a clique and it is hurtful, frustrating and difficult. 

My suggestion is to pick one person who you would like to be friends with and just talk to her every time you see her.  Don't necessarily have an extended conversation right away, but each time you speak with her, make it just a bit longer.  Give her a compliment (an honest one).  You'll be amazed that you will become friends and you won't even realize it is happening.

I am ashamed to say that I have been on the inside of a clique and didn't even realize it.  Most often it is not an intentional act to exclude newcomers (or even not newcomers).  We tend to stay in our comfort zones.  So, just keep plugging away. 

Good luck and thanks for your family's service to this country. (Your husband serves actively, but you and your children serve by sustaining and supporting your husband.)

Katherine M. Byron
New Braunfels, Texas

Thanks for your suggestions, Katherine. I especially like the idea of choosing one person to befriend and sneaking up on her, a little bit at a time. Sometimes mountains are moved a pebble at a time.

Read on for a letter from someone who has really been in the trenches:

We've moved fourteen times.  In all our moves, I have learned that I, as the new sister, need to take the first steps for friendships. If a person is shy this can be a bit difficult, but it is well worth the effort.

Sometimes established members are afraid they will seem like they are prying if they initiate conversations with someone new. In one ward, I finally learned that over half of the members were all new move-ins, hanging back and wondering why they weren't being greeted by more old-timers. In another ward, recent boundary changes combining parts of three wards left folks unable to know who was new to the area or who had just shuffled in due to the boundary shift.

Sometimes members are afraid they might be speaking to an investigator rather than a new move-in member and fear accidentally offending someone with too many questions. Sadly, sometimes it is just a clique who has forgotten to follow the Savior's welcoming example.

As the new member of a ward, initiate conversations to gather data of many people about schools, shopping, doctors/dentists, community activities, and other location-specific details, so others are aware you are a new move-in. Offer to serve on a committee.  Stay after an activity to help clean up, even though you were not assigned to do so. Invite others to your new home so they will know you are now "settled" and ready to step forward and connect with people.

Prior to leaving a ward, have your ward clerk send your membership records directly to the exact new ward location.  Also, get the new bishop's phone number and email address and make contact before you move.  The wife of the bishop is always happy to give you the phone number/name of the Relief Society president and, if you have children, the names and numbers of the Primary and YW/YM/Scout leaders.  Before arriving, call and talk with them. 

I pray everyone may have the courage to speak up, be friendly and show Christ-like love to everyone at all times.  Remember to be forgiving and not take offense, if necessary. 

A sister who's lived in UT, ID, MT, CA, NV and the Philippines

If anyone is the voice of experience here, Philippines, you take the cake. Thanks for some excellent tips on how to acclimate yourself to a new ward.

Here is another letter of advice from another real mover:

I have lived in eight different houses since 1990. That's a lot of starting over. What I have done that works well for me is go to as many different activities as I can, volunteer for everything I can think of, invite people to my house for lunch or for dinner, do my visiting teaching faithfully, sing in the choir, keep trying ? and be patient.

It usually takes about 9 to 12 months to really feel comfortable in a new ward. I also write down people's names when I hear them so I can refer back to them later.

I know this doesn't specifically address cliques, but when you just get to a ward you don't really know who the cliques are. I have found that there are some people that treat me as though I am invisible, but I am not too troubled by that. I can more easily tell who my true friends will be.

So, dear Colorado sister, keep trying and be patient. I believe the Lord leads us to our kindred spirits. I have met them everywhere.

Singing in Auburn

I like your timeline of nine to 12 months, Singing. That's a goal we can live with. I've only lived in two wards in the 33 years of my married life, and when we moved to the second one (way back in 1987), I thought I was going to die. It took a little longer than twelve months to acclimate myself to the ward we're in now, but now I'd have a hard time leaving it. People who follow the advice advocated by you and the other Meridian readers can carve a place for themselves in just about any ward, if they have a little patience.
 
I had a very interesting experience about 15 years ago in a ward.  I had been in the ward for a few years and made a few friends so life felt pretty good.  There was one gal (we will call her Lori) I had tried to get to know, but she didn't have an interest back.  One night at Homemaking (the named hadn't changed yet!) I was talking with Shirley (name made up!) who was really good friends with Lori.  Lori came in and sat down by us and immediately took over the conversation.  I tried again to connect and she wanted to tell Shirley all about her day and I was in the way.  She took her chair and placed it in between Shirley and me, with her back facing me.  I was literally stunned!  I have never had a problem making friends and wondered what I had done to deserve that.  Shirley was mortified and I didn't want to make a bad situation worse, so I said my goodbyes (which were ignored) and placed my chair by another group and went on with the night. 
 
Many nights later I was still stewing about what happened.  The thought came to me that it wasn't anything that I had done.  Lori felt comfortable with Shirley and that was all she could see.  I don't think she realized what she had even done.  This experience has made me more aware of how I treat other women.  We all need to be welcoming and accepting.
 
Many wards later we landed in an area we have lived in for seven years.  Right after moving here I was put in the Young Women presidency as a counselor.  I was so new to the ward, I was shiny!  I went to the YW room after the other classes, stood in the doorway and was literally snubbed by the president, the other counselor, the teachers and even the piano player (who has turned into one of my very best friends).  I didn't know what to do so I introduced myself, made my way into a chair and tried not to cry.   Looking back on the different personalities in the presidency, I realized they were just very analytical women and weren't the welcoming, touchy, feely type (the ones I prefer). 
 
What those two experiences taught me is that we are all human and if I was going to be run out of the Church by people, it would have happened long ago.  With that being said, the sister who wrote her letter needs to feel included.  Shame on us when we can't see past our comfortable friendships and reach out.  Women, after reading her letter and possibly mine, please, please look for that sister at church and reach out!  These groups were intended to bring us together with all walks of sisters, not just the ones we think we like. 
 
Just to interject some humor to this subject, our sister in Colorado can go to the Relief Society president and explain her feelings, and people will (or should) come out of the woodwork!  There's nothing finer than being the subject of welfare meeting! 
 
A Sister in Utah

You're a real example of turning the other cheek, Utah. We should all have skin as thick as yours, because even when it seems that people are being horrid to us, they're usually just being oblivious. Sometimes it's hard not to take offense, but if we become offended we can lose a lot more than a potential friend. So many people let their grudges carry them right out of the Church. Nothing is worth that high a price.

I moved a lot in my younger years and I know it can be hard to fit in ? and I'm sure the sister who wrote has tried to do so.  However I don't think the Enrichment groups are the problem she seems to think they are.  I have been in groups with people I didn't know or socialize with and by continuing to go to the group I became friends with all of them.  You can't expect it to happen after only one or two meetings.  It takes time and patience but it does happen. 
 
And I am not accusing the sister of not trying, but I can't help but remember a time when I was in a Relief Society presidency and two different sisters approached me about the same thing.  Each sister had recently moved into the ward.  The first to approach me complained that the ward was the most unfriendly ward she had ever seen, and that the people were cliquish and cold.  She could hardly stand being in the ward.  A few minutes after she left the other sister came to me and went on and on about what a wonderful, caring, and friendly ward we had and how much she loved it.  Same ward, different attitudes.  I hope this sister moves to Boise Idaho Millcreek Ward.  We'll love her into the group, I promise.
 
Norma Hunt
Boise, Idaho

You make a good point, Norma. A lot of the time, the difference between enjoying a ward and hating it is attitude. I've seen that in our own ward, and it never fails to make me stop and think.

Cliques ? I've been there, looking in from the outside, and it is just sad. I am a Relief Society president and I worry about this often. We have loads of students that move in and out of our ward, every three months. What am I supposed to do? I get to the new members within a month, usually the first week they introduce themselves in Relief Society. If I wait for the records to come, we could never meet.

You probably have done all these things but here are a few suggestions.

You are loved!

Mommy Nolan

Thanks for the perspective of a Relief Society president, Mommy. It was great advice to women in Colorado Sister's place to start their own cliques — cliques that include everyone who wants to be a member. There should be more cliques like that!

You don't have to move to a different area to find yourself in an unfamiliar ward. Here's a letter from a reader who has found herself in strange wards twice, without ever leaving her home base:

Our stake has redistricted its boundaries twice in recent years.  It seemed so strange to live in the same house and attend church in the same building and yet be in a different ward.  Half of the ward came with me from my old ward, but the ward leadership and the way things were done was in the hands of the other ward.  I no longer automatically knew who to call with certain questions because I didn't know who filled the various ward positions. 

About the same time there was a conference talk encouraging us to fellowship new members.  I remember taking the lesson to heart but also being amused because we were all new members. 

I decided to operate on the policy that a stranger is a friend you haven't met yet.  I could introduce myself to two new people per occasion and remember their names.  When I tried for more I would forget everybody and be confused. I would match up people's faces and personalities with the names on the Sacrament program.  Joining the choir is a good way to get to know people.  Participating in service projects, doing your home or visiting teaching are all ways to get to know more people.  Time and effort and a genuine interest in other people all help break the ice. 

Helen Afana

Thanks for writing, Helen. Your policy of remembering two new people on every occasion sounds as though it might work. I know I need all the help I can get!

If the bishop and his wife are not able to make an initial visit to new families within the first week, how about assigning a “home visit,” by a couple of the brothers or sisters that you feel have similar interests just to get introduced, and to get a feel for who might be the best persons to assign as home teacher/visiting teacher (and don't make a permanent assignment right away, until a PPI determines it is a good match).

I have discovered that outgoing people usually don't have a problem, but many people are not so outgoing, and don't feel accepted if others don't rush to meet them.

Also, our ward used to have a lot of small and very informal get-togethers, like potlucks where we could socialize and get to know each other more. You could try that, or maybe a small group of members who might have similar situations (older couples, families with young kids, singles) — keeping it small, so that everyone can talk together, and not have to split off into smaller groups.

Wayne
Huntington Beach California Stake

Wayne , your idea of “designated visitors” sounds like a real winner. It would be a great way for wards to greet new members and find out a little bit about them before they are officially visited by the bishopric, Relief Society presidency, or priesthood leadership. A little advance scouting can always help people find a place in a new ward.

Recently I had an experience that pretty much took me by surprise, as I really thought there were no cliques in my ward.  When the last division put me in a different ward than some of my friends, I was happy to see that one of those friends went into that ward with me, and I knew some of the other older sisters as well.  However, it became very clear to me that I was not in their clique when they were all involved in an activity, and I was the only one in our age group that was excluded.  I suddenly felt that I actually had no real friends in this ward.

Lost in Idaho

That's sad news, Lost. I hope you can use the suggestions of Meridian readers in this column and the past couple of weeks to help you find a place in your new surroundings. Sometimes you have to hack out your place in a ward with a virtual machete, but if you make the effort you'll be richly rewarded.

I, too, have experienced the "cliquishness" of a close ward and have not been successful in breaking through.

I'm also a new convert and have had the experience of having my "papers" lost, which now requires me to have to be rebaptized! So even though I am a tithe-paying attendee, I do not have a visiting teacher or a home teacher.

My situation is further complicated by the fact that I'm disabled and have a neurological condition that robs me of any energy and diminishes my cognitive abilities. I am unable to drive for safety reasons and can't ever get a ride to church. My illness makes it difficult to get up in the morning and when we were supposed to change to the later morning time for sacrament meeting it was decided by the powers that be to keep it at 9 a.m.

I love the Church, I believe it is the true church, that Joseph Smith was our Prophet and that we have Apostles and prophets today. I simply do not know what to do!

Thank you...I'll be looking for further information on this matter with anticipation!

Carolann Baker
Phoenix, Arizona

Your first step, Carolann, is to get a hold of the priesthood leaders who were presiding at your recent baptism and/or the two witnesses of your baptism. A new record can easily be generated. That's why witnesses are so important in these matters. You'll soon have a home teacher and visiting teacher assigned who can help you with the rest of your complications. In fact, bishops are supposed to interview everyone who gets baptized before the baptism, and you can use that opportunity to voice your concerns. Perhaps the loss of your papers was a blessing in disguise!

I experienced one ward that was…extremely clique-based. I'm a single sister so I don't have twelve people I attend church with every week, and I needed to make friends.  I was in this ward for a little over two years and rarely went. You were either the "apartment people" (me) or the "big house rich people." 

The more I talked to people, the more they ignored me. Some looked at me like I had two heads when I would say hello.  Even the sisters in Relief Society were unsupportive.  I only attended church for a few months just before moving because I wanted my temple recommend again and needed to attend church, but it was painful every week. I had no home teachers. My visiting teachers would say, "Oh, we need to see you," when I would see them at church, but instead of making appointments would just leave the message on my front door.  (I work two jobs and they really needed to make an appointment.)  I couldn't wait to move! 

When I moved I prayed that the Lord would bless me with a friendly ward, and He truly did answer my prayer because I'm now in a ward where everyone fits.
 
Kathy D
Midvale, Utah

I'm glad your story had a happy ending, Kathy. Sometimes people are in a situation where they can move, and the problem can be solved that way. If they aren't in a situation where they can move, things can be a lot more complicated. But one thing I've learned, at least in far-off Virginia, is that wards evolve. If you don't like your ward and can't move, give it time. If you work to make your ward better, and pray for success, eventually hearts will soften and your situation will improve.

The well-worn bishopric statement in opening exercises of priesthood meetings is, "Are there any visitors here today?" Caring leaders in auxiliary and priesthood quorums should have scanned the room before the meeting begins and then welcomed them before inviting introductions.

Let me explain. Many years ago I attended church in the Kirtland Ohio stake center. I sat in an aisle seat about halfway back in the chapel. After the meeting I remained seated and watched everyone pass me as they left the chapel without a welcome or a smile. People in the same row filed pass me without a nod or word. The gospel doctrine teacher encouraged everyone to move forward as the class was about to start. I sat in the middle of the front row, almost under the nose of the teacher, who looked over my head, and asked, "Are there any visitors here today?" I didn't respond because I was almost sure that my Polynesian complexion would suggest that I might not be a local. The teacher didn't look down at me and proceeded to teach with me still a stranger sitting beneath him. 

There was one consolation. Following the opening of priesthood, a member of the bishopric welcomed me with, "Aloha." I replied "Kia Ora," and straightway he knew where I was from. He was a former BYU-H student. 

A Maori brother from New Zealand

I hope that's the only bad experience you've had in your travels, Maori Brother, but I know these things happen even in the best-intentioned wards. Clark and I have home taught a woman for nearly eleven years who didn't come to church more than about once a year. When she got married and her husband joined the Church, I think they must have been asked to introduce themselves in both Sunday School and priesthood meetings for five or six weeks straight. It got to be a ward joke. It wasn't that they blended in with the scenery, either: The man looks just like Santa Claus.

Sometimes people get so focused on the lesson they're about to teach or something else that's going in their lives that they totally space about everything else. It happens to me more often than I'd like to admit! Sometimes people almost have to hit me over the head before I notice them, but I'm always glad they did.

Being a friend is not always the easiest thing to be or to find. Friendship takes a lot of effort. In my old age I have learned that you can be friends for lots of different reasons with lots of different people, and that you don't have to be friends for all the reasons with all the people you know.

Some people are your “Book Group friends”; some are your “Visiting Teaching friends”; some are your “over the back fence friends,” and some are your dearest friends with whom you share your life. It doesn't mean that your “Book Group friend” isn't valued or isn't a part of your life, it just means she is a friend with whom you share something you love, just not everything you both love.

One of the other things I have learned is that friendship means different things to different people. I don't see some dear friends for weeks, but that doesn't mean I don't love them. Some people however, feel that a friend means you call every day.   Some feel you need to be part of every part of their life, while others only wish to share a few parts of their life. Some feel that as a friend you are responsible for filling every void in their life. That is a smothering kind of friendship that often ends disastrously with hurt feelings.

So as I look at my past relationships in the different places I have lived, I realize that I need to be kind, forgiving, and attentive to everyone. Finding someone who is a "soul mate" is not easy and happens only now and then in one's life. In the meantime while I am searching for that dear "soul mate" friend I need to be responsive and loving to those who might consider me their friend. Who knows, those we least expect often become our dearest friends. 

I need to evaluate regularly what I expect from my friends and what they expect from me and how I measure up. I need to let those who have been good friends know how much I value that friendship.

Knowing it is impossible to be all things to all people, we can still be kind to everyone, welcoming, and understanding. We may not choose to share our intimate concerns with everyone, but we can let them know they are cared about in kind and simple ways.  There will always be people whose well we can not fill, that will feel we have not done enough or been enough or cared enough, but let's hope that we will always be kind enough.

Name Withheld

What a wonderful letter, Name Withheld! It never occurred to me that we have different groups of friends for different situations, but that's so true. Your theory also explains why some people give such disastrous parties — they invite people from different groups and expect they will all just mesh together when they may not have anything in common except a friendship with the host. A light bulb has just turned on in my dark, tiny mind. Thanks for the illumination.

Moving frequently isn't the only way to insure an "outsider" feeling in a ward. I have lived in the same ward for 18 years, and have yet to be accepted into the mighty cliques that reign here. It is the same for my children. And, from observations and conversations I can gather, it is the same for others who have moved into this ward over the years: there are those who fit a certain criteria of friendship and are accepted into the mainstream ward ranks, and there are others who, for various reasons, meet with cool and quiet disapproval (smilingly, of course), and are left on the margins of ward society to worry and worship by themselves.

I have not been able to understand this. I am well-liked in professional and academic circles. I am active in church and my calling, a caring and open individual. After much confusion and frustration, self-questioning and doubt, anger and heartache, I finally decided to take the Rhett Butler approach to all this rejection ("Frankly, my dear ward members, I don't..." — you know the rest), and form my own circles of friendship with the other people in the ward who also felt marginalized and unwelcomed.

And guess what? I now have friends!  We needed each other, but were so concerned about being accepted by the obvious cliques of the ward that we were overlooking each other. We are now forming friendships that are delightful, warm, and accepting. The cliques continue; the "powerful" still sort through the new members, throwing back the ones they don't want. But we are there, ready to catch and embrace those who fall out of the ward net and into our arms.

The Pharisees and Sadducees, the "in crowd" of Christ's day, rejected Him, and He went among the poor and lonely and disenfranchised to find friendship and acceptance, not only because they needed and accepted Him, but, I think, in part because He was one of them. It was the place where He fit in and was welcomed. I am reminded of the parable of the wedding feast: the recognized and socially acceptable were invited to attend the Lord's wedding feast, and each had some reason for rejecting the invitation. So the poor, the lonely, the sad and unwelcomed were invited to take their places. They were probably happy just to be invited anywhere, so they came in the others' stead. And feasted.

Wherever we go, with whomever we find ourselves, rather than looking for a place to fit into, perhaps we can make a fitting place into which others can feel welcome.

"When saw we thee a stranger, and took thee in?"

"Verily I say unto you, inasmuch as ye have done it unto one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me."

A Friend in Orem, Utah, USA

What a way to end today's column, Friend — to liken ourselves and our situations to that of the Savior! And just as He went out of His way to find friends in unlikely places, we can do the same.

We have one more week's worth of letters on this subject, and then we're moving on to another topic.

Until then — Kathy

“It takes a long time to grow an old friend.”

John Leonard