If you want to make friends in your ward but don't know how to break into the established groups, here are some tips from Meridian readers:

I think cliquishness comes from a lack of education, an immature "high school mentality," and a lack of higher thinking and higher spiritual understanding. Just reading anything good, but especially about the lives of the prophets and other valiant, unselfish priesthood holders and missionaries, their loving, sacrificing, devoted wives, and other heroic women, youth and children, who built up with positiveness their communities for the cause of Zion, in the early days of the gospel's restoration, helps banish all desires to be petty, negative or to pull down our sisters in these latter days. That's how reading affects me.

When sisters are cold, of course it deeply, deeply hurts. How to change their attitudes? Contemplating that feels like chiseling away at rock — a very slow process, even with the very young Relief Society sisters.

However, the Lord is a patient artist. Every work of art in sculpture took great patience.

It's heartbreaking to see the spiritual toll it takes on the Church wherever being "stuck-up" is tolerated.

The Book of Mormon most often seems to describe this characteristic in the Nephites (who, by the way, became utterly self-destructive and extinct, over time), using terms like hard-heartedness, stiff-neckedness and pride. The Nephites seem to have believed in their superiority because of their lighter skin, class consciousness, education, culture and religious training. They simply did not understand Christ's impartial, pure love for each person, no matter who she or he is. Reading the Book of Mormon is one good resource for overcoming this mentality.

As I mentioned, I feel that the more we get the sisters to read Church history, the more humble and joyous their hearts will become, and filled with the desire to do good for newcomers and the "poor" among them, instead of with desire to feel superior.

I may be wrong. I may be partially right. I know we have many more details about the personalities, from biographies, journals, and records of the relatively recent Saints, especially of the women saints, than of most of the ancient Saints. So I feel today's Relief Society sisters can identify with them, their inspiring sacrifices and their daily kindness and charity, more easily than with people in more distant times, simply because there is more information about them that has survived.

I've heard the History of the Church volumes are every bit as legitimate, as scripture, as the books in our quadruple combinations. The only difference is that, like the Doctrine and Covenants, they are modern Church history, instead of ancient Church history, I've been taught.

I wonder if dramatizing women's catty remarks to newcomers in DVD forms of storytelling, in contrast to the impacts of true stories of women's sisterly remarks, might make more of an impression with the sisters who don't (yet) like to read?

For example, I went to a Bellevue (upper-class, "Eastside") fireside 15 minutes away from my home (by freeway) where a female singles leader said to me, "What do you want to drive so far out here for?" In contrast, a Louisiana-born African American lady convert of 30 years, who's 26 years older than I and has converted and fellowshipped well over a thousand people (by all accounts) into the Church, is my greatest friend in the Church right now. How I would love to pay tribute to her loving heart.

I'll bet someone could write screenplays about these things to help produce DVDs to show in Relief Society. They needn't be condemning — just compassionately instructive and very, very dramatic, like "Cipher in the Snow" was. Maybe titled something about the Ripple Effect? They need to be designed to have impact in the heart and mind forever.

This problem has stumped some Church members for a long time, I feel. But I fervently believe that if we are willing to take action to tackle the problem, like King Benjamin and others were willing to call to repentance, the Lord will show us how, but only if we work at it prayerfully and with steadfast, "aggressive" but patient determination.

I pray there will be more of a Church-wide consciousness to root out the problem. I see it as being kind of like a "peer pressure" tide turning, such as how it has gone from being cool among adults to use tobacco, to tobacco now being rejected by many.

Let's make snobbery "uncool"!

The Vietnam and civil rights protests changed reckless war-making and bigotry. We can raise everyone's consciousness about the hurtful effects of snobbery, and the miraculous effects of friendshipping and Christlike love, too.

A kid in California gets everyone to wear orange T-shirts on Fridays to symbolize that they think cussing is totally uncool, that they belong to a worldwide club of non-cussers.

What if women in Relief Society wore pink every Fast Sunday as a show of sisterly unity against snobbery and to promote the pure love of Christ? What if women in the Church took this stand, visually, against cliques, against stuck-up attitudes/ snobbery/ cool-hearted manners at Church, calling it Standing Up For Warm-Heartedness, to wear any form of pink on Fast Sundays? Ooo-weee. We can change things!

We can.

Pink Lady

Your letter makes me want to go out and buy something Pink, Pink Lady! If we suddenly see a surge of pink outfits on Fast Sundays, we'll have you to thank.

Boy have you hit a touchy subject!

I find as I get older, and having been a part of a special friendship that was envied by others in my home ward, there are two perspectives.  Nothing was going to stop a special church friendship honed by more than 40 years together with my best friend, through all of life's choices and trials.  Then I remarried and we moved away.

I became "new." I can honestly say people went out of their way to say hello to me when I first entered the two new wards I have had in the past three years.  But home situation, and a personal illness that I bear, has kept me from being part of a lot of ward activities and really blending in.. 

I have had many lonely Sundays but have found purpose.  A calling gives us purpose. We learn to love those whom we serve, and serve with .  The best way to form a bond is in a calling.  It is in our callings that friendships are bound.  If we don't have a calling, then get involved in the ward choir, or genealogy, a special activity, a service project, or anything where people are working together for a cause. 

I have found in personal life, as well as my "church life," it is in and through the giving of ourselves that we form the bonds that come back to us. 

And then, on the Sundays I still am alone, I have learned to enjoy my own company.  I don't sit at the back, but at the very front, and participate in class to the best of my ability.  People seem surprised when my voice is heard, and an opinion or statement given.  It is only through our input that people realize who and what we are.

Purposeful

Thanks for your comments, Purposeful. It's always helpful to hear from someone who has lived life in both perspectives — in this case, from the inside and from the out. Thanks for your positive suggestions.

As a convert (having been baptized March 25, 2006) there was a 5th Sunday happening in which one of the sisters went overboard in telling the congregation to "move around, get out of your clique." This sister was depressed and from my perspective totally out of line.  Being single, I had a group of people that I sat with.  However, two things happened following this sister's remarks: 

I remember one church member saying that a particular bishop of our ward didn't talk to her for three years.  My question to her is, "What have you done to say hello to the bishop?  Or for that matter, to other ward members?"  My perception is there are no cliques, just thoughts that possibly put others into a "can't get involved mode because so-and-so is a member of a perceived clique." 

Generally speaking, Sisters want to be connected with other Sisters and each is responsible for that connection.

Myrna Lea Houston
Moses Lake, Washington

Congratulations on finding the Church, Myrna Lea! And thanks for your attitude of going out and finding friends if friends don't come to you. That's a good way of looking at life.

As an ex-military wife I understand the question [of cliques] completely.  When we were in predominately military wards, we didn't have this problem, because everyone knew that we had limited time to get to know one another before moving on.  Friendships were made quickly and cherished.  When we moved into wards that were civilian wards, the clique problem was there.

One thing I found is that not everyone is in the "in" crowd.  If you look around there are many sisters that have lived there years and aren't part of the clique.  I have lived in my area for more than 17 years now and have never been able to break into the clique here, but it doesn't really matter to me.  

I also know that the sisters in the clique have no idea that they are a clique.  I've watched them let a couple of others into their group over the years, and realized that these were sisters that shared their same lifestyles and recreational pastimes (i.e., boating).  I didn't have a boat, but it was OK.  There were lots of other lonely sisters out there that I could invite to lunch, talk on the phone with, and befriend.  I have always made it a point to sit by someone I don't know well in Relief Society.  That way I get to know everyone. 

I know that everyone needs a friend, so I try to be a friend to all.  Do I have a best friend?  Yes!  I have three of them — my husband, my Savior, and my Heavenly Father.  I have many, many friends in my ward and stake..  They know they can trust me to keep confidences.  They know they can call on me for help.  They know I will listen.  They know that I care about them. 

I feel that our focus should be on others, and then the rewards of service will bring many sisters into our lives.  They will fill the need for friendship that we all have, but we have to focus outward and be a good friend first.

Have I ever been invited boating?  Never — not in 17 years.  But I'm not upset, nor do I feel cheated.  I've been invited to help a friend care for her handicapped son, I helped a dying sister finish a baby afghan for a grandchild, and I sat with an older sister for hours after her husband died.  These are privileges I wouldn't change for all the boat trips in the world. 

Currently in Utah

What a great letter, Currently! I appreciated the fact that you pointed out that the women in your ward's clique don't even know they are in a clique. Often that's the case. How wise of you to choose a different path. The experiences you wrote about in your last paragraph are worth more than all the boat trips you have missed.

I've lived in many states and wards. I always know what type ward I'm entering when absolutely no one greets me for the first time. It usually turns out the ward is very cliquish. Sometimes the clique is made up of young married couples, new moms, folks of high income, senior members, members who've been in the ward longer, or large families.

It also means that many in the ward do not do their visiting teaching. This is key. Through visiting we build friendships.

Some cliques are formed because people had a painful relationship experience and are now too afraid to develop new ones because they feel safe where they are. If people in cliques shut others out on purpose, (this has happened to me several times), I've learned not to mind at all. It reminds me of high school and immaturity. So you have to ask yourself, why in the world would you want to be part of such a group?

This is how I deal with it. I just be myself. I make my own fun. I serve as much as I can. When
people really get to know me, they want to be friends with me. It's usually one of the clique people. Then it's time for me to sit back and decide if I even want to bother. Also, having a personal relationship with Heavenly Father always helps. If we humble ourselves and prayerfully ask Him for friends, it will happen. This happens to me all of the time. Heavenly Father tends to send the right people into my life at exactly the right time. If He can send down power to part the red seas, why can He not help you have friends?

Do not be afraid to ask.

Reader in Arizona

You make a good point, Reader, that visiting teaching is a key. I know when we moved into our current ward, way back in 1987, I felt lost until Clark and I accepted a home teaching route together. It was through home teaching that we started making friends — and we still home teach one of those women.

I also liked your point about God sending the right people into your life at exactly the right time. That's true, isn't it? But sometimes we have to make a little effort to cultivate those people. It's not enough that they simply move into the ward (or into your life). You have to get to know them to experience the things they have been put into your life to do.

Funny you should mention cliques. I was just talking to my daughter-in-law in Nevada about the chique-ish problem she is encountering in her new ward since graduating from college. Apparently, the ladies who run things in her new ward patronize rather than include. They listen to her ideas but tell her that they “won't be doing that.”

A Relief Society president can and should have a big effect on the inclusive or exclusive qualities of a ward, but it doesn't stop there. In our stake here in Texas , our stake president won't even allow the word “club'” used to describe Relief Society activities. We have reviews , groups , bunches , and outings , instead. These are aimed to welcome and include all who can participate. True, not every sister will come to every activity, but we provide an environment where they all could, if they so chose, and would feel comfortable.

As our ward Relief Society president, I have felt a very strong need to make sure every sister feels welcome, strengthened and spiritually fed by each enrichment night and activity that we hold. We do not ex clude; we in clude. I have tried to use the 13th Article of Faith as a guide for activity selection.

Sometimes, we might run into well-meaning sisters who want to form clubs or groups that only reach out to a select few, where some sisters of the ward will not feel comfortable or welcome by design. For example, some sisters might feel the 13th Article of Faith is too restricting when it comes to the selection of thought-provoking, quality books for a review. They want to encourage the reading of and discussion of literature that might be promoted in schools, television book clubs, or are on the bestseller lists. That would be fine, as long as the book also holds the distinction of being a book “virtuous, lovely, or of good-report or praiseworthy.” Sadly, many popular books of the world do not. Therefore, we do not read them in a Relief Society setting.

I think it is the responsibility of a Relief Society to unite and not divide, to help all sisters grow and learn and strengthen their testimonies of the gospel, to teach behavior of a meritorious nature, because as the woman of the household draws closer to the teachings of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, so goes the family. As the family goes, so goes the nation.

Thankfully, we as members of the Lord's true church have the gospel and our priesthood leaders to guide us and give us counsel. As we pray, read our scriptures, and try to act more like the god-fearing people we profess to be, our numbers will be strengthened, our people will feel the love of the Savior, and our meetings, even the “little” ones, will be edified. We members of Relief Society can make a difference to the big picture in our own wards. Truly, "Charity Never Faileth"!

A Member in Texas

Thanks for your thoughts, Texas ! It's so nice to see a ward where inclusion, rather than exclusion, is the rule.

I think if you examine the cliques in a ward, they may often be the younger- to middle-aged sisters, who possibly don't have the experience (or haven't caught the vision yet) of fellowshipping new members (or long-time members just moving into the ward).  And it's possible that because they work together in the Primary or Young Women their friendships have formed naturally because of their positions of service, with no intention of being cliquish or leaving others out.  

A good friend and I who lead the book club group  in our ward try to take the time to introduce ourselves to new sisters just spotlighted that day in Relief Society, and tell them a little about our group — how often we meet, how we've had teleconferences with some of the authors, and tell them we'd love to have them join us if they're interested.   We know they're feeling left out on that first day of attending, so we don't wait for them to approach us.  A warm welcome is always appreciated. 

A bookstore near us often has authors fly in to discuss their recently published books. When we attend, if a subject interests us (ours being the historical fiction genre), we tell the new sisters of that activity, asking their address and if they would like a ride.

Our book club includes a variety of ages — from young married to some in their 70's, members as well as non-members (neighbors/friends/relatives having been invited by our original group of ward sisters).

Thanks for a well-chosen question and topic; I look forward to reading other responses.

D in Phoenix  

You've got a good practice of seeking out new ward members to see if they'd like to be part of your book group, D. Book groups are wonderful tools for fostering friendships in a ward. Not only does our ward have a women's book group, but we even have a book group sponsored by the elders quorum. Sometimes they even read the same books (although I'm sure we women have better refreshments).

I recently moved from a ward that was very much like what you are describing.  I lived there for 16 years and truly felt the burden of living in a ward with cliques.  Have you ever heard the phrase "Alone in a crowd?"  Well, that was me.  I'd hear about all kinds of fun activities these cliques were having and longed to belong.  It wasn't much fun to be sitting in their groups and know I wasn't included in their extra-curricular fun. 

I don't really have a good solution, just that I came to church, fulfilled my callings, put on a good face, and went home.  During the week I tried to not even think about "them," but it still hurt whenever I'd hear about their fun.  What's worse, the stake I was in realigned the boundaries and even though each ward was a melting pot of several wards put together, those from the "old (blank) ward" would hang together, as well as those from the other "old (blank) ward."  It was frustrating to get people to mingle with one another during ward activities. 

I wish I had an answer, but my only thought is you can't force friendship or opening a circle to include others.

Laura from Phoenix

It's true that you can't force friendships, Laura, but I hope you can follow the example of some of our readers and carve out a place for yourself in your ward, even if you have to use a virtual machete to do it. I know that one way is to have parties in your own home. We do game nights in our home, but you could easily host “chat and chews” and specifically invite individuals to come and visit with you — sharing desserts and recipes, and just visiting with one another. It's one way to break the ice and make friends.

I have a hard time breaking into a new ward also and I completely sympathize with this sister's having to move so often!  When I feel overwhelmed and friendless I tell myself, "Just one good friend," meaning I'm friendly to everyone but I look around for just one person to get to know personally. I'm preferably seeking someone who is friendly and outgoing. She may seem to already have lots of friends, but don't let that stop you from talking to her. Or you may notice someone who is shy and quiet: She is looking for friends too! 

Heavenly Father is certainly interested in the happiness of this sister, so she could make it a matter of prayer, asking for help in finding someone. Women absolutely need other women to talk to, to help blow off steam and feel a connection to. Husbands cannot fill the same role.  Visiting teachers, enrichment meetings, the mothers of our kids' friends — these are all opportunities to talk to people in-depth.

Ask the Relief Society president if there is an aerobics or walking group in the ward.  I have not made good friends from meeting people on Sundays. With all the busyness and distraction at church, it is too hard to get past people's glossy exteriors.

Find a way to connect on weekdays! 

Now that my kids are past the toddler stage, I volunteer to help out with blood drives or putting together hygiene kits or whatever. Then you really get to talk to people. The sister is already attending enrichment meetings, and that is a great start. Force yourself to strike up a conversation, and there is nothing wrong with giving a silent prayer for help

Over the years I've realized that very few cliques exist in the Church — cliques where there is a set "membership" and they are unfriendly to newcomers.  Mostly, people take the easy way out and talk to those they already share a history with — serving together in the Primary presidency or a next door neighbor, for instance.  Or we are distracted by worry and mental to-do lists and don't notice the new person there next to us.

People may be hesitant to emotionally invest in an apartment-dweller or a military family because they may be gone next week.  This is totally unfair, I agree!  I hate the thought that this sister feels there are cliques everywhere. That is not a good feeling!  Potential friends are all around you — don't stop trying!

Carolyn in Salt Lake City

Thanks for writing, Carolyn. As someone who refused to make close friends with transients and then finally made an exception, only for her to move away and break my heart, I feel properly chastened. (I still miss you, Janece!)

A while back, my husband and I went to our bishop with the same problem.  We simply did not seem to be able to make any friends in the ward.  We were frustrated to constantly hear at testimony meeting about how the ward was such a "happy family" and to feel like the ignored stepchildren. 

The bishop didn't seem to be very understanding at all, but simply told us to invite people to our house to eat ice cream.  Although this seemed ridiculous at the time and the bishop made no effort to befriend our family, it has proven to be good advice.  We started inviting people over for dinner, movies, and other things.  At first, many people told us no.  I was shocked at how many turned us down.  But as time went on, we were able to make some really good friends and no longer felt like outcasts.

DeEllen

Thanks for having the humility to follow your bishop's advice, DeEllen — even though it seemed lame at the time. It's amazing how often the things we do just to obey, with no thought that they'll help us, actually do help us. I see that in my own life all the time. Thanks for sharing the experience. Remember, readers — ice cream works!

I think perhaps the answer is to look for ways to serve your new ward. Be the first to volunteer for things, magnify your calling, do your visit teaching, sit with elderly people sitting alone in meetings, and find other ways to make yourself useful. In other words, don't focus on yourself — serve . Even if you don't manage to “insert” yourself into a clique, you'll be happy and productive doing the Lord's work — blooming where you're planted — and joy will be yours!

I've been in eight different wards from California to Montana and though they have all been distinctly and notably different (one even not very friendly at all), there have been wonderful blessings in each one.

Deb

You set a great example, Deb, of following the Apostle Paul's example of learning “in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content.” Even if you're a lone pansy blooming in a bed of stinkweeds, you can make yourself needed if only you look for opportunities to serve.

I hate to say I know what the writer means, but I know what she means. The first time I experienced an unwelcoming ward was in the last city we lived in. It was a smaller city with an unfriendly atmosphere in general. They didn't much like people moving in. I wouldn't say that it was necessarily a clique problem — more of a status quo problem. Cliques are what we encountered when we moved here. Everybody knew everybody and they didn't have much use for anyone new. There were the exceptions who went out of their way to be friendly, but it was a long time until I could honestly say I had a friend. 

I have made friends and feel socially comfortable in my ward, but I have had to work at it by extending myself over and over again. There are still some groups I will just never be included in, and I'm okay with that. I feel for sisters who are shy and need someone to reach out to them. I see the cliques and I don't know that the women in them (let's face it — it is largely women who are guilty of this) intend to be exclusive, but the result is the same. There aren't the usual indicators of inclusion/exclusion. From what I can see it doesn't depend on your wealth, your size, your job, your education level, or any other criteria. I guess the upside to that is no one is tempted to be something they are not just to fit in.

I think it comes down to how willing people are to go to a little effort to get to know others and include them. Unfortunately, that seems to be less and less important to people nowadays. I know that there are people in my own ward who feel left out and hurt by this phenomenon. I don't know how we go about changing it, other than to do all we can as individuals to gather friends and be welcoming.

The ward we were in when we were first married was a "newlywed and nearly dead" ward. Cliques weren't the problem, but there wasn't a feeling of camaraderie. There wasn't much socializing going on, and not much unity.

Then we got a bishop who made ward activities a real priority. We had a ward activity at least once a month. They weren't a big deal; just a simple get-together is enough, giving members the time that we don't have on a Sunday. The bishop made it clear he expected people to attend, and so they did. It was only a few months later that we had a solid, unified ward filled with warmth and friendship. The new and improved atmosphere was reflected in the inactive members who returned to activity and the new converts who were welcomed into the ward.

I will forever be grateful for the friendships I was able to form with some of the older ladies in that ward. I have seen big changes made. I know it can happen. It's just going to take people caring enough to do it.

Sometimes people just need to realize that you really can't have too many friends. There is always room for one more.

Jan in Indiana

You had an insightful bishop, Jan. Ward unity often begins with the bishop, and anyone who can find a bishop who recognizes the need for ward activities and who supports them will be in a happy place. Conversely, if your bishop doesn't give activities a priority, and if he doesn't attend the activities that are sponsored, the whole ward is fighting an uphill battle.

I was a new convert last year, and I must tell you I was a little overwhelmed by it all.

I also am a woman who works in a man's world, and most my business associations are with men.

I didn't really have many woman friends at the time and am estranged from my family. I was given a blessing that told me to make the sisters in the ward my sisters. With everyone having such busy schedules I thought it would be impossible to form any bonds with them.

I wondered about how to do that and then it came to me, go to them and tell them your needs.

In opening up to them and letting them know what I was seeking — or more so, what I was missing — they brought me into the Relief Society with very welcoming arms. Today I have many sisters that I can call on and that I continue to build relationships with. 

I am one who, when I see anyone sitting alone during sacrament, will move over and sit with her. I don't think anyone should have to be alone and all it takes is a small move, occasionally, to help others feel a part of the ward family. It also provides ample opportunities to gain a new sister friend. Whatever you do, don't wait for them to come to you.

Katherine from Omaha

That's great advice to end today's column, Katherine. And your priesthood blessing was so right — the members of our ward are a family to us, if they work together. Thanks for doing your part to increase the harmony in your ward.

Until next week — Kathy

"Faith is the bird that sings when the dawn is still dark."