Exactly a year ago, we tackled a huge problem by discussing ward reverence (or the lack thereof). I was completely buried by email, and it took a long, long time to dig out.

Today we have a new take on that old subject — what happens in a ward when reverence is stressed so militantly that there is absolutely no opportunity for ward members to greet one another on Sundays. I'm sure you'll have a lot to say on that one!

But first I have one final letter about the issue of living with an overachieving spouse. An Arizona reader writes in, speaking from personal experience to give us his own take on the subject. Let's see what he has to say:

I read this article with great interest, because I am married to an overachieving perfectionist woman and our marriage has always been highly stressful.  I can relate to the man who asked this question.  Rather than the true partner-companion I have always dreamed of, our relationship has been fraught with struggles for control, bouts of criticism, and a relationship teetering off-and-on the brink of divorce for a number of years. 

I love my wife and try to look for the best in her, but I have always had trouble dealing with the way she speaks to and treats me.  She has never been flagrantly abusive, but I still have never been good enough, made enough money, or led our home effectively enough for her.

That being said up front, I still think it's a very bad idea to blame the high desire for achievement alone for this problem.  We know we need to accomplish a certain number of things, be motivated to do so, and carry through on the plans we make.  We should never be alarmed by a woman who wants to achieve great things per se; we'd see that as a positive trait in a man, after all. 

What  is excessive and harmful are such potential accompanying problems — which can arise in either marriage partner — as the following: 

• An overriding desire for control
• A tendency to criticize and belittle
• A habit of frequently losing emotional or physical control
• A persistent refusal to acknowledge any result short of perfection
• A lingering resentment over not having what one spouse wants or desires
• A pattern of withholding essential relationship-nurturing behaviors such as praise and affection
• A lack of humility and submissiveness to God's will combined with pride, ingratitude and selfishness, and
• An overall withdrawal of support combined with a lack of mutual compassion and charity. 

In praying about how to deal with this problem and stave off divorce, I've felt strongly impressed that this is a test of my own ability to love and have charity.  I need to develop more patience with her — which I have been sadly imperfect at demonstrating as well — and love her as the Lord loves her. 

Someday I will be truly loved and honored for my inner qualities and the person I'm trying to be, as I would wish.  But I have to be responsible for being the best person I know how to be.  She will have to struggle with reconciling her ambition and quest for perfection with the shortcomings in the people and world around her, and make her own choices accordingly.  I cannot make her think otherwise or be different.  At a future day, when our capacity for mutual understanding and charity is better, the Atonement can heal us and our relationship.

I do not know this man, his son, or what the Lord expects either of them to learn in their respective marriages.  But a high desire for achievement isn't a core problem in a marriage partner, though the baggage that can come along with this impulse can be.  Perhaps a high achiever might want a supportive spouse who enables by simply taking care of other tasks — or a supportive spouse who becomes a sounding board and colleague.  It's possible to make a number of different scenarios work for the couple. 

Yet we should also not be threatened by imperfection.  Marriage isn't always about the sweetness and light of blissful, romantic partnerhood and companionship we usually idealize and envision.  Instead, we end up dealing with very real human beings, as well as being very real human beings ourselves.  We come to know through our various life experiences — and a less-than-ideal marriage is one of them — how deeply we need Christ to heal our hearts and homes.

An Arizona Reader

What a wise letter, Arizona ! Instead of being embittered, you understand that all of us are blind to many of our own imperfections, and that someday — even in the next life — she will be able to accept you (and herself) for having done your best. There are many of us who could stand to emulate your sacrifices and your hope in future despite your disappointments today.

***

Okay, now for today's topic. Let's see what a frustrated reader has to say on the topic of too much reverence (and you thought there couldn't be such a thing!):

I'm at the end of my rope and am in desperate need of advice.

Our ward was known as being the friendliest ward in the stake. I'm afraid our reputation is slipping fast — not because people are getting less friendly, but because they aren't being allowed to express it.

First we were told that we needed to be more reverent as we entered the chapel for sacrament meeting, because we needed to get in the mood for taking the sacrament. Who can argue with that? After all, taking the sacrament is the reason to go to sacrament meeting. If you're going to take it without being the proper frame of mind, what's the point? Most of us were pretty happy to comply with that request.

Then things started getting out of hand. We were told we couldn't talk to each other in the chapel after sacrament meeting, because the sacrament had just been served in there. Then we were told we couldn't talk in the halls at any time because there are other wards meeting in the building and we shouldn't disturb them.

If you can't say hello to your friends inside the chapel or outside the chapel, where in the building are you supposed to greet them?

Just when we thought it couldn't get any worse, somebody got the bright idea of dismissing people from sacrament meeting in groups. First the teachers leave. Then the Primary children leave. Then the Young Women leave. Then the Young Men leave. Then it's the left-handed female basketball players — okay, I just started exaggerating, but the point is made. People are sent out of the chapel in such small groups that the final announcement is, “Anyone left in here will be attending the gospel doctrine lesson, which starts now.” There isn't a moment to compliment someone on a sacrament meeting talk or admire somebody's new baby, because everyone has been herded like sheep to the next meeting on the schedule.

The Relief Society members get a few minutes to visit in the Relief Society room before their meeting starts, but those of us who are not lucky enough to be in the Relief Society don't have a single place where we can say hello to friends, set up home teaching or visiting teaching appointments, check on a young mother who looked discouraged during sacrament meeting, meet new ward members, or just say hi to the people we love. I have close personal friends in our ward that I have not spoken to in more than a year — not because I haven't wanted to, but because the only time I see them is in the chapel, and we get herded out at different times so we never come face to face.

The scriptures talk about loving one another, and they also say, “If ye are not one, ye are not mine.” How can we love one another or be one if we can't speak to each other? How can I meet the eight new families who moved into our ward last month if I'm not allowed to talk to them? I know reverence is important, but does it have to come at the sacrifice of everything that turns a ward into a community?

This issue has upset a lot of ward members for a long time, but we don't know what to do about it. We have tried discussing this with the bishop as a ward council, but the bishop (who is otherwise a kind and reasonable man) has a blind spot here. Do your readers have any lifelines to throw us? We're in desperate need of some help.

Stifled in Springfield

It sounds as though you have a real problem, Stifled. As someone who considered the members of her ward to be family members, this is a topic I can have a passion for.

Readers, Stifled needs help. If you have any experiences to share or advice that has come from your own life, send an email to meridianmagazine@aol.com. Put something in the subject line to tell me your letter isn't spam. We'll publish the first responses next Monday.

And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan ,” or “Sandy from Timbuktu .” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next time — Kathy

If you don't' stand for something, you'll fall for anything.

Unknown