Letters continue to pour in from Meridian readers who have advice for “Missing Something,” the husband and father who feels as though life has passed him by. We have enough letters for today and next week, and then we'll move on to another topic. But today there's advice that may help you even if you don't feel as though you're missing out on life.

1. Develop a habit of expressing gratitude . I have learned that when I am unhappy, it is usually because I am focusing on what I don't have rather than on what I have. Initially it might be hard to express gratitude for what we have when we feel deprived of so many things, but like any other talent, we get better with practice. As I kneel each day and express gratitude for my blessings, I have become aware of many that had slipped by unnoticed. Expressing gratitude each day also helps me focus on what is good in my life and that brings joy and peace.

2. Redefine your dreams.  Although it may be true many of the dreams I had at 20 will never be achieved, I have accomplished much I never dreamed of doing in my younger years. Perhaps a dream of seeing all your children married in the temple does not appear to be likely, but maybe you have taught and influenced other youth through teaching Sunday School. Maybe your dream of finding the cure for cancer won't happen, but perhaps you have been the means of helping heal broken hearts through church service.  Make a list of what you have done, enjoy the satisfaction from that, and then make another list of what you realistically would still like to do and get up and start doing it. Sitting around feeling regret and sadness for what we haven't accomplished while refusing to move forward, will only guarantee that at the end of our lives we will still be sad.

3. Realize the fulfillment of dreams doesn't always have a time limit.  There may be dreams that realistically need to be let go, but just because we are middle aged, or even elderly and have not done all we had hoped, does not mean it still can't be done. Blind men climb mountains and ninety-year-old women have gone back to college.  It may take longer than we expected, and it may not even happen in this lifetime, but if it is possible to do, we should not give up. Life for most will last quite a long time, and eternity is even longer. There is time to accomplish a lot; we just need to be patient and learn to find joy in the journey.

In summary, there is a lot of life still to be lived. It is time to start living it.

A  Reader from Arizona

What a terrific letter, Arizona ! All three of your points have great validity. Most of us, for example, don't stop and think that we may benefit from redefining our dreams.

As for expressing gratitude, I am constantly amazed at how many things there are to be grateful for once you look for them. I once got a priesthood blessing that said I had been given “a backbone of iron to hold up your physical body.” My immediate thought was, “Gee, it would have been even nicer to get a physical body that didn't need a backbone of iron!”

But as time has passed, I have seen what a marvelous gift I was given. The physical body I have is the one I had to have in order to learn the lessons I've needed to learn in life, and it blows me away that God planned before I was born to give me a “backbone of iron” to support that body. Every day I am more and more amazed at how blessings have been specifically tailored for me in my own situation — and if that's true for me, it's equally true for the rest of you.

All of us, no matter what our challenges in life, are more richly blessed than we ever deserved. Thanks, Arizona , for the reminder.

There is a self help free on line help with this! Byron Katie (a woman) has a site ( http://www.thework.com/thework.asp#howto ) that asks you questions that when you answer them, helps you to get "unstuck"! There is also a book (and CDs and workshops) — but just check out the site and see if you can do it yourself.

I have had several (almost within five minutes) attitude changes that have freed me up to "get on with it" and let go using these few questions. You can use the questions on lots of things/areas where you are stuck!  Blessings on your head — you can do it!

Jane Wadsworth
Oakely, Idaho

Thanks for the website, Jane. There is so much on the internet that's of great worth if we know where to find it. This website could help people out there who are as “stuck” as Missing Something seems to be.  

Often we go through out our lives thinking of what we might have been or even could have become if we had taken that first step to become what we had always dreamed about when we were young. Often circumstances come about in much different ways than we had ever hoped for; we are called to fight in some one else's war, or get married just out of school and start a family way before it was time to.

Things happen to us for reasons we never see till life has seemed to all pass us by and we have lost those dreams we had when we all were younger. Now I look back and wonder about the “what ifs” of my life, only to finally understand that I would not have changed a thing in any of it because then I would not be where I am today.

If I were to sit before Missing Something, I would ask him what his life has given him till now!

If I had changed the way my life unfolded, I never would have had the great blessing of watching my kids grow up and take their first steps. Because I am a member of the Church, I know that all things happen for a reason; the Lord has had our plans picked out for us way before we ever knew it. We need to understand what he has given us to do here and be thankful for the blessings he has given us.
 
I am sure of this for he has given me the best of all gifts in my world when he brought me to my Shelley.
 
John Sheppard
Casa Grande, Arizona

What a lovely tribute to your wife, John! Thanks, too, for pointing out that every decision we make puts us on our life's path — and that even if we were given the gift of going back and changing one decision, we would most likely be very unhappy to see the things we'd miss by choosing that other fork in the road.

This is Yolanda Schuenke. My husband and were sealed in the Washington D.C. Temple in 1983. We have two sons who are totally opposite of each other. The oldest (22) is inactive and not keeping all of the commandments as he should. The youngest (19) sent his mission papers in two weeks ago and has a strong testimony.

My husband and I have always struggled financially. We do have many dreams that are unfulfilled.

The way I deal with these unfulfilled dreams is, first of all by doing the best I can with what we have to deal with. I pray a lot, read a lot, and talk to friends with similar situations who have been fairly successful at solving their problems. Another thing that I do is work at serving others and helping them with their problems.

I've never submitted my thoughts on any Meridian subject, but could not resist this man's dilemma.  If I understand his position, he is feeling unfulfilled because of his — and his wife's — choice to have and to raise many children.  I'm sure the demands on his time are quadrupled, and thus, do not allow him the opportunity to do what he wants.

If I may suggest, this man is in self-deception and self-betrayal.  I know it sounds harsh, but his soul is angry, resentful and irritated right now.  Why?  Is he looking for any reason his family is not attending to his needs and/or lack of fulfillment?  By focusing on their insensitivity, he could be exacerbating his deception and justifying his feelings.

I can't judge the situation because I don't know all the facts.  But I do know that “Missing Something” needs to make peace with the situation and find a way to be joyful.  He needs to read literature on forgiveness because "overlooking" or "letting it pass" is not the answer.  He needs to determine if he is accountable for the position he is in before any healing can take place.

Gisa Ott
Indianapolis, Indiana

Thanks for an interesting perspective, Gisa. Your assessment of Missing Something's life reminded me of the Jimmy Stewart character in It's a Wonderful Life. Sometimes we can get sidetracked by regret and anger to the point where we block out the important things in life. When that happens, a little self-adjustment is definitely needed or the soul could fester with bitterness.

Read on for a personal experience:

I feel for " Missing Something, " but think a slight perspective adjustment might help. 

Years ago as a young mother and Primary counselor (with a full-time school schedule and two part-time jobs), and a husband with three part-time jobs, a school schedule of five and six classes a semester, and a calling in our ward's bishopric, we often looked at each other and said, "How badly do we want all this?"  Well, apparently we did a lot and got through it! 

I remember during that time, though, feeling like life was all work and no money or fun.  I complained too much and felt like we were somehow missing out on the joys of life, too.  All my chores were complicated because there were just too many of them!

As the years went by, however, and the degrees were done, the career was in the works, and the kids were growing, I began to look outside of my little world and see how challenging the struggles were for all my friends and acquaintances, too. 

Twenty years later, as my husband and I had reached that deeply sought-after time when we could almost write our own schedule, I saw how blessed I was to have such amazing blessings.  There were still socks on the floor to pick up, failings in my husband and me, bills to pay, and very trying challenges to meet, especially with my husband's serious health issues. But my appreciation and gratitude for the small blessings had blossomed.  We had just the same number of inconvenient set-backs and trials, but my  effort was different.  I actually strove to be thankful for the socks on the floor because it meant I had a husband!  I had found bliss!

The only thing that had really changed was that in our eyes our blessings became more important than the trials, which proved to be the greatest blessing of all when my husband was killed in a motorcycle accident 13 months ago.

My dreams of a retirement with the love of my life, and missions, and traveling to be with our grandchildren were immediately and harshly extinguished.  Suddenly I was "just" a widow who never finished a degree (because at one point it was more important to be home for the kids) and who had no viable resume.  Suddenly I had a 30-year "go back to Start" giant leap backward!  But I have no anger; I have no remorse.  I have hope of an eternal marriage; I have ward and family members who help me when I need it. 

Honestly, I've walked through hell with this challenge: I miss my companion immeasurably, and there's no income (that's another lesson I could teach!) and no job yet.  But I can see that I'm still far more blessed than not.  It takes effort, but I strive to see how incredible life is!

I wonder if "Missing" could benefit by taking President Eyring's suggestion to heart of looking for the blessings in every day.  I began keeping a small journal after last October's General Conference just to list the good in every day.  Some days are still very hard and I can only write a hope , but it helps to do even that. 

I believe fulfillment comes by looking with gratitude beyond "wants," beyond "self" and bravely into the eye of faith!  President Eyring, in talking about his father, once said, "God wants brave sons."  I thank God I don't have to be Abinadi brave!

I don't doubt for an instant that " Missing " has real stress and real concerns, but I'm sure he's got real blessings every day, too!  I sincerely hope he can find solace amid the clutter of Life at "full-strength."

By the way, a recent Meridian article by Darla Isackson,  Are You Willing to Receive the Blessings of God?, could possibly benefit "Missing" too.

Jan in Colorado

Thanks for a great letter, Jan! I often tell the Young Women in our ward is that sometimes our only choice is to be happy or to be unhappy. The trials will still be there no matter which decision you make — but what a world of difference happiness makes! Thanks for pointing it out through your own experience.

This is a tough topic for me — since it applies to my dreams for my two sons.  My dream was for them to earn Eagle. Their grandfather was an Eagle; my brother and I are both Eagles. It would have been a magnificent family tradition.  Alas, the issue of agency came into the picture!

One of the hardest things I ever did was to go to my older son and tell him, “You still have time to earn your Eagle award. If you want it, I will do everything in my power to help you, but it is your 
decision, and I will not say anything more to you about the subject,” and then walk away and keep my promise — which I did. He did not earn his Eagle, but did serve a mission, married a fine young woman, has given us two grandkids, and is attending school at BYU Provo.

Our youngest son did earn his Eagle, but it appears he will not serve a mission — a great disappointment to my wife and me, because we both served missions as did his brother. But he has to find his own way. He is not really doing anything wrong, but just won't accept any of the help that is available to him. He won't get his patriarchal blessing, among other things, and won't tell us what is going on in his life unless we ask him specifically.

I suspect that our situation is not unique, but those are two of the unfulfilled dreams that I had to let go. My wife is much better about moving on than I have been. These still haunt me at times.

Bob Taylor

Thanks for a candid letter, Bob. It really illustrates the things we human beings pin our hopes on. Some people may look at the failure to earn an Eagle rank as a small disappointment in life, but even small disappointments can seem big from our human perspective.

How admirable of you to go against your natural inclination and let your older son make his own decision about Scouting, even though he did not make the decision you would have chosen! I envision our heavenly father wincing as he gives us that same freedom, knowing our choices will not be the best ones we could make. Parenthood certainly gives us a perspective on godhood that is hard to experience any other way.

I think a certain amount of this shows up as part of the “mid-life crisis” so many of us experience. Years of stuffing emotions can cause them to bubble up and spill over in dangerous ways.  

In my mind the healthy thing to do is briefly experience the feelings of disappointment and move on.  We recently had a Relief Society lesson on death, and the sister teaching it had just lost her husband with whom she had a very close marriage for around 60 years.  She talked about acknowledging the sadness, having a good cry, then getting back to life.  

It is okay to experience emotions we may not want or have ideas come up we may not like, what is bad is when we let them take over and destroy us.  Grieving is all about loss, and death of a person and death of a dream are in some ways similar 

For me the key is to understand the other side and be grateful for what I have.  I would love to have had more children and have grieved deeply because I was unable to have more.  I grieved at one point for the family life I wished I had as a child.  On the other hand, I am deeply grateful for what I have learned in the process and would not give up what I have.  

At one point I experienced a serious illness and was bedridden. You can bet I was not a happy camper.  I'd have my good cries, then get back to life and action (or in my case, inaction!).   Now that I have my health back I have a deepened appreciation for what I have and I use my time more carefully.  I learned not to spend time with people who drag me down and to take more time to nourish myself.

The pressures on men to support their families are tremendous, and I cannot imagine there is a father alive who could not relate to struggling with the pressure.  Mothers are getting most of the sympathy right now and I think that men need to get more.  

My kids all adore their father and have always tended to flock to him the moment he gets home.  All that attention and adoration can be overwhelming.  This father might benefit from finding a personal outlet like art or exercise where he can express his negative emotions in positive ways.  

Maybe he could use some time alone.  It seems we women are not the only ones who beat up on ourselves.

We cannot have it all, and it will sound very simplistic, but gratitude for what we do have can slowly squeeze out the grief for what we do not. 

Liz DeForest

It's great to hear from you again, Liz. I really liked what you said about grieving for the death of a dream and then letting go and moving on with life. Thanks for writing!

There are different types of dreams. Positive dreams involve training and improving our God-given talents. It can be challenging to prioritize these positive dreams into our daily lives. There is often the challenge of determining what is good, better, or best in our busy lives.

On the surface, it might seem that putting family first is always the right answer. I have found that what is actually always the right answer is to put God first. His knowledge reaches further than I can even comprehend, and the blessings of following the guidance sent to us through the Holy Ghost from Him are great.

I know of a woman who was struggling against negative feelings who decided to follow a prompting to spend time exploring a talent. She told of the blessings and peace that came from the experience. Instead of being one too many things to do, instead of causing her to be less able to meet needs in her family, she was able to get more done and things that were a struggle before became easier for her. And in my opinion, she developed her talent to a really impressive degree. All this because she took her struggles to the Lord, humbly admitted her weakness, asked for help and listened to the answer.

I have seen in my own life that one of the greatest blessings of following the Lord's will for me is the benefits of that obedience always extend further than the immediate issue.

There are also negative dreams. These aren't really dreams at all. They are regrets based on either comparing our supposed failures to others' successes or dwelling on a could-have-been. These negative feelings are based in fallacies and are not of God. I know that God is no respecter of persons and that tells me that His love for me is not ever based on how I compare to others. I cannot go back and change the past. I can only learn from it and correct my course in the present. And that's as it should be. That's why we have the Atonement. Dwelling on the impossible can keep us from being able to let the Atonement work fully in our lives.

I have learned a lot in the past couple of years about applying the Atonement in my life. First, I remember that wherever I am, the Lord can meet me there if I reach out. To be ready to reach out, I have to acknowledge that no matter how hard I work to make my life better I will always eventually fail if I am trying to do it on my own. I have years and years of frustrating personal history that remind me of this truth. I also look towards the blessings in my life to feel power of God and His love for me.

Next I take my struggles, frustrations and despair to Him in prayer. Of course, Heavenly Father knows of them before I share them, but honestly sharing those struggles helps me to become ready to accept help with them. It brings me to a humble and open place where I accept that I need help. And I ask for help and to know what God's will for me is. Sometimes, I have to pray to be willing do His will. (I've found that I can pray for more willingness at any point along the way where I feel myself struggling against this process.)

At this point, I may or may not have begun to feel some promptings about my struggles. There is more for me to do, though. Now I take a really honest look at the circumstances surrounding these struggles. Did I make some wrong choices that I need to repent of? Independent of anything others did, did I behave in a way that I need to apologize to anyone for? Are any of these mistakes part of a bigger pattern of behavior? Are they pet sins like pride or blaming others that I need to take back to Heavenly Father and seek help to overcome?

Then I follow through with any of the actions I find I need to take. This honest searching doesn't usually feel good until it's over, but the blessings that come from it are more than worth it in my experience.

As I keep these honest and open dialogs going with Heavenly Father and continue holding myself accountable for my own actions, the answers begin to come. Sometimes they trickle in slowly and sometimes they come in a flood, but they have always come. Sometimes the only answer is a feeling of peace, but that is enough. That feeling of peace overcomes any negative feeling and restores my eternal perspective. It washes away regrets, it soothes pain, it lifts me and it carries me. The feeling of peace is the Atonement working in my life. And I know the peace of the Atonement is available to anyone who will seek it.

My advice for Missing Something (and the rest of us) is to seek it.

A Daughter of God in Idaho

Thanks, Idaho , for pointing out that there are good dreams and bad ones, and that even as dwelling on the dreams we can achieve may be a good thing, dwelling on regrets is never to our benefit. All of us can improve our lives by taking our struggles to God and seeking his guidance and comfort.

Read on from a letter from a reader who learned the hard way that some dreams can't be achieved by only one person:

When I was a child I set the goal of having a happy marriage and being married only once.  The mistake I made was in setting a goal that required the cooperation of others. 

I didn't achieve my goal and felt like such a loser. For years I felt a very deep grief that the only thing I really wanted from life was impossible. I could not feel that there was anything else I could get excited about having.  I was unable to feel good about myself. I had failed, and there was no way I could ever fix it.  I couldn't even discuss the divorce without feeling that terrible grief.  I just recently realized my mistake.

As soon as I saw the problem in my goal-setting I prayerfully fixed it.  I made a new inspired goal that was achievable with my own obedience.  We all have disappointments in life, but it does not mean that all is lost.  If life eternal is to know God and Jesus Christ, nobody can keep us from that goal but ourselves.

The feelings of grief are gone and I feel hopeful and happy again.

I wish that I had spent more time writing in a journal.  It helps to sort out your thinking.  When you see it in print, you often can find where you are indulging in wrong thinking.  Then you can fix it.

Missing Something, you and your wife are wonderful to try to raise so many children, but it does not give you much time to work on your own issues.  Make sure that you take time to be alone and with Heavenly Father, to pray, study, journal and get to the temple.  In that time He can help you to discover wrong thinking and correct it and to heal your grief over losses.  In particular, study the blessings of the Atonement.

Fellowsaint

Thanks for a great reminder, Fellowsaint, that achieving our goals may well be beyond our abilities — no matter how noble those goals may seem. You were wise to forgive yourself and to set a goal that is achievable. Thanks for reminding us that we can all do likewise.

Okay, readers, we have one more week of these letters and then we're off to a shiny new topic. Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this one. All of us have had unfulfilled dreams in our lives. It's great to be reminded that disappointment isn't the end of the world, and that we can pick ourselves up and have a happy life despite the things we've failed to achieve.

Until next week — Kathy

The secret of contentment is knowing how to enjoy what you have,
and to be able to lose all desire for things beyond your reach.

Lin Yu-t'ang