Our last column featured a letter from a husband and father who admitted that he felt as though he was missing something in life, even though he apparently had everything a man could wish for. "Missing Something" asked the advice of our readers, and you did not disappoint him. I got back from vacation to find a whole mailbox full of letters regarding unfulfilled dreams.

Our first letter today is from another gentleman who has had similar feelings to our original letter-writer. After that, we'll hear from readers who have find ways to cope with life when their own expectations have not been met:

My wife and I are promised in our patriarchal blessings that our last days will be our best. We are both 65. She has a job that they promised her she would have till the end of the year, but she would be out at that time.

Every job I've had in the last 15 years has been a dismal failure. I have tried small construction work and do a great job, but no one wants to pay what others are charging. Multi-level works great if you have huge volumes of people in your downline, which I don't have. Many of my old friends who I have shared MLM with in the past, duck into the nearest store to avoid contact when they see me at a mall or on the street.

My stake president has suggested that as I study the scriptures, pay an honest tithe, fast and pray maybe 2-3 times per week, and conclude my fast with a session at the temple, my prayers will be answered and I will know what the Lord wants me to do.

I recognize we are very blessed. We've never been without food to eat. Somehow we've managed to pay our bills. We still have a huge mortgage on our home and very well beyond what they call average credit card debt. Although we have acknowledged our many blessings and serve in our callings (temple ordinance workers) our prayers for financial security and freedom seem unanswered. I have read numerous books on faith, forgiveness, and finance, but it seems that no matter what we try, it comes up empty. We are rapidly getting to the point we both wish this life would just END. Any possibility of help?

DP

Well, DP, I can tell you one bit of good news. You and your wife are apparently not in the latter days of your life, because you certainly haven't hit "the best" yet.

I know that comes as small consolation when you feel as though you are hitting a brick wall every time you look for ways to support your family. Not being able to pay your bills is a great way to keep yourself awake at night, worrying about tomorrow.

One thing your letter didn't mention was whether you have followed your stake president's advice. If you do, the way will eventually be clear. But I can tell you from long experience that when we want spiritual blessings, we have to work for them ? and part of that work involves perseverance. We can't try something for a week or two (or even a month or two) and then expect our problems to resolve themselves. Sometimes answers are years in coming. It isn't called a trial of faith for nothing!

I hope the letters from our readers, in this column and for the next few weeks, can give you some help. In fact, the very next letter will show you how much work one reader has been willing to undertake in order to banish her feelings of discouragement:

This topic caught my eye in a way few previous topics have.  There is that point in life where losses and disappointments threaten to overwhelm us, isn't there?  There is a loss of those the fabulous expectations we felt for our life as we first received our patriarchal blessings, or married our sweetheart or held our first child. 

Should I recite a few of the events that have left me feeling that I don't have enough fingers and toes to count the losses and disappointments?  Giving a sampling of the sorrows might just lead people to get lost in comparing wounds and scars, which isn't productive.  Better to think of how one survives and comes through with joy and testimony. 

First, a brief sampling:  My oldest son committed suicide 17 years ago when he was 15, throwing our struggling family deeper into a tailspin. There followed divorce, a foolish remarriage, another divorce, all the kids falling away from the gospel.  I've experienced lost jobs, mounting debt, loss and loss.  Every decision I make seems to make my situation worse.

My life got off to a rough start, with an assortment of abuses and so I was not taught as well as I could have been (there's my excuse!).   Probably some people arrive at adulthood more prepared with a stable birth family, or they catch on more quickly than I.  I had a temple marriage, gave birth to eight children, have been mostly active in the church.  I've tried to be "good" ? though unfortunately I spent too many years rebellious and too proud to turn to the Lord, even while I attended church and went through the motions.  It has been a puzzle to consider how I got to this point and what can be done.

So to answer the question of how does one deal with losses and disappointment, a turning point for me was going to BYU Education Week a few years ago.   Though I had read the Book of Mormon a few times and wasn't technically a slacker in gospel study, I was astounded by the gospel information available.  There was no way I could take it all in, but I left Provo resolving to double my gospel study efforts.  I have stuck to that resolve and it has led to rising joy in my soul. 

I have tried to understand the Atonement more completely and ask the Lord daily to apply the enabling and strengthening power of the Atonement to my efforts and its healing power to the hearts of my children.  I dug into Isaiah and have been rewarded with increased understanding so that when I'm sorrowful, I can read the passages I've marked and feel the Lord's love for me.  I've studied church history and tried to learn all I can about the life of Joseph Smith and try to follow his example in adversity.   I listen to talks on byubroadcasting.com and BYU TV and have learned so much that is healing and enlightening and relates specifically to my troubles. 

On my way to sleep, I have conference playing on my laptop, or Book of Mormon CDs in my stereo, so when I wake up in the night, I listen to that until I fall back to sleep ? rather than to begin worrying, which ruins sleep.  This practice has about cured my insomnia.  I'm sure the Brethren would be happy to know their voices lull me to sleep, but I also try to DO what they admonish us to do. 

I teach Primary and try to do my best, not only to move the work forward, but so that I can qualify for the blessings promised to the servants of the Lord in 3 Nephi 22.  This immersion in the gospel has healed me and filled my heart with joy.

Does it seem too simple to say that the gospel heals the disappointments, gives perspective and answers?  Think of Naaman the leper not wanting to bathe in the water of Jordon to cure his leprosy.  I testify that immersion in the Living Water of the gospel can heal the sorrowing, broken, disappointed heart. 

The gospel truly is aptly named "the plan of happiness."  The Savior truly is our Redeemer, our Healer and will lead us out of bondage when we turn to Him.  I have some days when I kneel to pray and can only sob in gratitude for my blessings and the tender mercies of the Lord.  He has replaced my sorrow and fear with joy in my soul and a testimony of the Savior in my heart.

I don't know how all my troubles will play out ? how I will, with the Lord's help, meet my obligations ? but I know Who loves me and Who will help, so, you see, I'm not alone.  He truly is The Way.

Leah Thornley
Puyallup, Washington

Thanks for a truly inspiring letter, Leah. Not many of us have had to endure trials that are as severe as yours have been. Your determination to rise above those trials is an example to all of us. And you haven't stood with your hands held out waiting for blessings, either; you have actively worked without ceasing to move yourself closer to the Lord.

The most instructive part of your letter is that your circumstances haven't really changed. You still have trials ? big ones ? in your life. But what has changed, dramatically, is your humble submission to the Lord's will and your gratitude for the blessings you have. Sometimes the only choice we have in life is to endure our challenges with happiness and gratitude or to endure those same challenges with anger and bitterness. You have already been and will continued to be blessed for choosing the former path.

Read on for another perspective:

Three times in my life I have been at the edge of wealth; each time it eluded me.  The most recent venture found me invested in a million-dollar piece of land I purchased that would be worth forty million dollars after sub-dividing into single-acre building lots.  Two wells on the property would supply more than enough water for a full capacity development.  I was set for life.  I had put everything I had into it, but it would produce everything I would ever need that money could buy. 

Out of the blue, my healthy 40-year-old partner died unexpectedly.  Before I could get to his funeral, a lawyer owned it all.  I no longer owned my fully paid for business, as well as the financed thousand acres of pristine forestland.  I was penniless.  I was also very bitter.  I withdrew from life and quit all my church jobs.  It took my wife 18 months and a lot of patience to point out that any financial loss is insignificant in the eternal scheme of life; the important thing is that I had a wonderful family ? a family that may not have remained so wonderful if we had so much excess in money. 

The Lord knew I was not among the very few who handle wealth properly.  He saved me from a weakness I had without awareness.  I was blessed, not punished.

A financial failure, but contented father

Thanks for a great letter, Father. I'm sure a lot of us can relate to your situation. I've also been at the "edge of wealth," and wealth has eluded me too.  It took me years to understand that even though I may not have health or money or beauty, I'm the richest person in the world in other ways. Once I understood that the key to happiness is to focus on what we have rather than on what we don't have, I ? like you ? have been able to rejoice in a bountiful life.

Here is sound advice from yet another reader;

Sounds like you are stuck looking backwards, Missing Something. I too was stuck for a good long time and very negative about it. I had to learn to be patient with myself and with the Lord. His timing is not our timing.

I am single and childless and am about to hit 47 years of age. The prospects of my rearing children in this life are over. Yet, I have hope for I know that Heavenly Father will provide for me in the eternities what I have missed here in mortality. We simply have to trust in the Lord and keep following the prophet. If I look forward, I will see an eternal family with many loving children in my future. That is the end goal, right? To have eternal families and live in the celestial kingdom. Keeping an eye on the big picture helps.

From whom do you think you are receiving these thoughts of discouragement? I can just see an angel on one of your shoulders and a devil on the other ? both whispering in your ears. Being stuck is a decision, Missing Something. I have decided to move forward and you can too.

Unstuck and content

Thanks for a wise letter, Unstuck. All too often we think of ourselves as being the victim of circumstances. It takes a mature person to realize that even though we often can't change our circumstances, it is entirely possible to change our attitudes.

I don't know whether I've told this story before (I'm an old person, and we old people tend to repeat ourselves), but I once knew a woman whose attitude illustrates this principle. She was a single lady who bought a lovely house. It was a house that was built for one person, and it was just perfect for her.

Then the roof fell in, figuratively speaking. One by one, her children started moving in with her. A grandchild moved in with her too. Then she got remarried, and the lovely house for one was bursting at the seams.

There was absolutely nothing she could do about the size of her house, and she couldn't afford to get a bigger one. So she hit upon a creative solution: She prayed that the house would seem bigger. Sure enough, the same house that had been entirely unsuitable for a large family seemed larger. There was suddenly room for everything, and everyone was happy in the same space that had been entirely too small for the same group before my friend prayed.

My friend believed a miracle had happened in her life, and I agree. But I have no idea whether this was a miracle from the Lord, or whether the family's prayers effected a miracle in their own attitudes. In the long run it doesn't matter. The house was too small, they prayed, and the house wasn't too small anymore. The Lord answers prayers in many ways.

Read on for another perspective:

I don't think we need to let go of our unfulfilled dreams. I think when things happen that aren't how we planned for them or that prevent us from fulfilling our dreams as we planned, we have to find the new path that allows us to accomplish our dreams in a different way.  It may not be in the time frame or manner we had planned, and the pathway will be different, but the dreams can still be accomplished.

I have found this out myself. It's been very hard and at times extremely frustrating for me to look back over my life when I feel that I've "wasted time" and my dreams haven't been accomplished like I would have thought. These are times when I've learned that I need to turn to my Father in Heaven for help and support. He's blessed me with being able to see my life has indeed been very blessed and there are other paths for me to take and new dreams to be fulfilled.

Right now my greatest dream is being fulfilled as a wife and mother. Just because I'm a wife and mother doesn't mean I can't accomplish other goals.

Be of good of cheer and look at all that you have been blessed with. Try sitting down and mapping out a new list of goals/dreams that may also have some old ones on there too. Pray for guidance on how you might be able to go about fulfilling your goals/dreams. Sometimes they will be accomplished in ways we never thought possible.

A Reader in Texas

Thanks for writing, Texas . You make a good point that sometimes our dreams are fulfilled in ways we never would have considered if the decision had been ours to make. Thank goodness we're not the ones in the driver's seat! We know what we want, but the Lord knows what we need ? and there could be oceans of difference between the two.

As I read this person's letter, I felt that I could help. I have had dreams and expectations and found that they either lasted a short time or never came about as I thought they would. My mother used to work in the temple and I wanted to work there, even as a custodian. But as it turned out there came an opening in the cafeteria, I don't like to cook much and it would not be my first choice. But I applied, and now after a few years I am the supervisor.

I have learned so much, and it has become a joy. I have learned that we have desires and when we align our desires and dreams with what the Lord wants for us we can actually enjoy the journey. I know that Heavenly Father knows us well and knows what we need even when we are sure we need something else.

I have also learned that there is much we can learn from the experiences of our unfulfilled dreams. We can make them our new dreams and enjoy them. I have learned to trust in the Lord more and rely on him more; I know that without Him I am nothing. We can find joy in the journey by trusting in Heavenly Father and learning through Him. There is so much we can do in life ? so many dreams and some are just not right for us at the time we think we want them. Life is like a smorgasbord, with lots to choose from. I would say to not limit your possibilities and see where it leads you.

Barbara Rogers
Mesa, Arizona

You make a good point, Barbara. If we limit our choices to things that we can imagine, we'll be cutting ourselves off from a lot of life's biggest possibilities. Thanks for the reminder!

I know that this might seem too simple an answer, but I testify to you that it is a true principle: humble yourself and take your problem to the Lord and He will direct your path. You will hear His voice through your daily scripture study and sincere, faith-filled prayers.

I have experienced many soul-wrenching trials on my mortal journey. Some I thought would be the mortal and spiritual end of me, but my Savior Jesus Christ has saved me from myself. Too often I relied on other people to help me solve my problems when I should have been turning to the Lord. On the other hand there have been a few times in my life — after divorce and adjusting to a new marriage and establishing a blended family — that the Lord has sent people into my life to help me hear His voice. I was fortunate enough to be blessed with the guidance and direction of LDS Family Services, whose help was professional and gospel driven. I will be eternally grateful for their help. So I recommend the following:

1. Prayerfully read your patriarchal blessing to see if your expectations of your mortal journey are the same as the Lord's expectations. Make adjustments as necessary.
2. Every day prayerfully put your burden on the Lord. Ask Him to open your ears so that you may hear His voice; open your eyes so that you can see His plan for you; open your mind so that you can understand; and open your heart so that you can feel His love for you.
3. Remember that the Lord will often answer your prayers as you feast upon His word. Dedicate time to quiet pondering of the scriptures daily.
4. Go and do whatever it is that the Lord directs you to do with faith and without doubt.
5. End every day with a prayer of accountability and gratitude — report to the Lord on how well you followed His Spirit that day and be grateful for the blessings in your life.
6. Finally, keep a journal as directed by President Henry B. Eyring, to record how you see the hand of the Lord in your life and the lives of your family.

My brother, only the Lord knows how to help you with your mortal experience. Try to remember that the Gospel is simple and will always lead you to the happiness you desire to find.

Heather Bungard
Kissimmee, Florida

What a great list, Heather! I especially liked what you wrote about being "saved from yourself." We all need that sometimes. It was great that you could recognize that ? and that you were willing to write in and remind us all.

Our last letter for today was written by a young mother whose life has been full of trial, but who chooses to look for the silver lining. Here is her story in her own words:

Yes, trials happen to all of us.  Bad things happen to good people all the time.  That's how we learn and grow and become better.  I'm only 28 years old and I only have two children, but already I know that. 

My oldest child was born with a severe heart defect that's put her in the hospital three times for open-heart surgery.  She nearly died each time.  Yet we witnessed miracles with her.  So do I dwell on the trial?  Or do I dwell on the blessings that came out of the trial ? my stronger testimony and faith, on my discovery of the kindness of friends and strangers alike, or on the fact that this child of mine is now a happy, as healthy as we can expect of her, four-year-old. 

We do not know what her prognosis is.  Do I dwell on the fact that I could lose her at any moment?  Or do I dwell on her precious smile, her precociousness, and the sweet life she is living today? 

Yes, I was angry when this trial was given to me.  I was angry as I watched my precious baby go through so much just to have the life she has today.  But I've learned that "Why me?" doesn't really have an answer.  "Why me?"  Because I was born, and as a mortal being I (and my family) are subjected to mortal woes: disaster, disease, and the consequences of others' bad decisions as well as our own.  When I'm depressed, I dwell on the bad around me.  When I'm happy, I dwell on the good.  And that's when I find that there's a lot more good than bad that surrounds me.  Which then makes me happier. 

One other thing on this vein ? God did not give my daughter her birth defect.  It just happened.  I do not believe when trials happen that God is inflicting them on us.  Instead, He allows them to happen to us because that was part of the plan that we agreed to.  And He is there to help us through them. 

I will never forget a priesthood blessing I received during one of our hospital stays: "Your daughter is My daughter too, and I am watching over her."  What better promise is there to a young mother?
 
And in the case of unfulfilled dreams ? go and fulfill them!  What's stopping you?  If it's something you really want to do and will really make you happy, then God probably approves of it!  (Unless, of course, you're thinking that wickedness actually does bring happiness; then you might as well forget about it.)  

"Men are that they may have joy."  God wants us to be happy.  So what is it that you're dreaming about?  Research it, find out how to achieve it, then do it!  I want to continue my education, get a Master's or even a Doctorate.  I know exactly what I need to do it.  But now is not the right time for it because I have chosen to be a mother first.  So now I have something to plan for and look forward to!  And even now I can do things to work towards my goal, like reading and studying the subjects that interest me. 

Something else I've learned in my relatively short life?  "Woe is me" doesn't really get you anywhere.  Switch it to, "Blessed am I!"  You said something about suppressing negative feelings and not letting yourself feel them.  I don't think you need to dwell on those negative feelings so much.  Whenever I do (which is too often), I tend to spiral downward into an abyss of negativity.  It doesn't motivate me at all.  Whereas if I acknowledge that I have those feelings, but choose to feel something else, I'm much happier and motivated. 

For example, I often think that I'm not the "right" kind of mother ? not good enough.  It may start out as "I'm not creative" and then spiral down to "I'm the worst mother in the world!"  Which then keeps me depressed for a few days until I say, "OK, so I don't feel like I'm such a great mother, but my kids are really happy today, so I must be doing something right." This spirals me up to, "I'm a good mother to my children, and I'm getting better each day!"  Which then motivates me to find the things I am good at to do with my girls. 

I think it's the acknowledgement that you feel bad that's the key, not actually letting yourself feel really bad about things.  I could waste days allowing myself to feel bad over just about anything.  Accept that you're not perfect, and then find the positive and dwell on that.  Positivity is what builds us up, so that's what we want more of in our lives.  Remember, we are all sons and daughters of God, and He is watching over us.  Seriously, what better promise is there than that?
 
Rachel Davis
Lake Hiawatha, New Jersey

Thanks for a great letter, Rachel. I like the way you stressed several times that you can make a conscious effort to focus on the good, and this choice makes gives you more satisfaction with the blessings you do have.

We got some great responses this week, Readers, but there are more in the hopper. Tune in next week for the continuation of this interesting discussion.

Until next week ? Kathy

"God's gifts put man's best dreams to shame."

Elizabeth Barrett Browning, Sonnets from the Portuguese