You may have thought it was never going to end, but this is the last column in this series about visiting teaching. Next week it's all success stories — and then we'll go on to another topic.

But don't think today's letters are all downers. I've saved a real gem for the end of this column, and the others have merit too. Read on to learn what your fellow Meridian readers have to say on this intriguing subject:

I am writing in regards to your article about visiting teachers. I think the reason some teachers talk about themselves is because it is comfortable to them. They know what has happened to them.

Perhaps they talk about themselves to let the Sister they are visiting know that they are human too and we all have problems. Sometimes it is because they are not sure of themselves enough to approach and inquire about the other sister.

It is very awkward for me to deal with strangers. Seven years ago I joined The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. The first years of visiting teaching, I was terrified. I didn't have a strong testimony of the teachings. I didn't even have a strong testimony of myself. How was I going to be able to help someone else when I was struggling just to help myself? I was terrified they would ask me about the Book of Mormon. I've read it every year, sometimes twice a year, but I still don't know it as well as I think I should. I can't quote scriptures. I have cheat sheets in my book to help me find subjects I want to read.

Friendship is the key for me. I could be their friend, but I also needed to know when to keep my mouth shut. That quiet time is the opening that gives the other sister time to say what has been bothering her, or the courage to ask for help, or even just knowing that someone is there with them if only for a little while.

Sometimes visiting teaching is a chance to get away with the girls — no husbands or family distracting them. It's taking the time to relax and enjoy friendships. My non-member husband hates going out to dinner. Bingo! Now's my chance to go out and have dinner with my friends, the sisters I'm assigned to visit. So we meet once a month. It's fun. Why does everything in the Church seem so serious? God wants us to know joy. Why not share the joy with other sisters?

As far as the comment of getting your house clean, my husband says having home teachers and visiting teachers is a blessing in disguise.  It's the two times of the month when the house really looks spiffy. Everything is picked up, put away and cleaned. Thank you, my teachers, for visiting. I especially like giving them treats when they come to visit me.

Pam Dalrymple
Tacoma, Washington

What a great letter, Pam! You gave excellent counsel about being joyful, and also about enjoying the home that you cleaned for the visiting teachers' visit. But what I really appreciated was your advice to know when to sit back and listen. Even though you may have hit upon this important key to interpersonal relations by accident, it's great to know that when you close your mouth you allow other people to share their own thoughts.

Someone once told me — and probably because I needed to hear it! — that when people interrupt us, it's because we're talking too much. I had often been annoyed by interrupters before that, and I decided I might benefit from letting people get a word in edgewise. To this day, whenever I start to get annoyed with someone for constantly interrupting me, I take a mental step back and remind myself that the person may be interrupting me for a reason.

I think a lot of the very social women in Relief Society do not realize that not everyone is like them. I have read that about 25% of the population are introverts who have a few close friends and for whom more is definitely not merrier. These people are generally quite miserable in a crowd.

Upon moving into a new ward and after several years of horrific "life experiences," I was excited to get involved in my new ward. Imagine my dismay on my arrival at the Relief Society room after my Sunday School class — there was not one available seat and everyone was literally sitting shoulder to shoulder and knee to backside. The ward has been divided, but there are still more than 600 members of the ward, with more than 400 usually in attendance at sacrament meeting. Things won't be changing soon — there's no room to build another building in area.

In the 2-3 years I have been in the ward, I have had my assigned "friends" come into my home and tell me I never go to church, even though I am always in sacrament meeting. In fact, I arrive 20 minutes early just to get a seat. If I feel like I can take the crowds, I try to go to Relief Society.

Just as recently as three or four months ago, the newly-assigned visiting teacher — who had just returned back from a mission — asked if I was active and declared it was my fault I wasn't more involved.

Irritated and Overwhelmed by Crowds in Utah

I'm sorry you're feeling hemmed in, Overwhelmed. As an introvert myself, I know how daunting it can be to be in the middle of a hive of bees — even bees of the human variety.

As for people asking whether you're active, that's not a Utah phenomenon. I have a close friend whose husband was a bishop at an early age, and then spent many years in stake presidencies before finally spending another ten years as stake president. On numerous occasions, people who were new to the area expressed their condolences over her inactive husband. They assumed that if he wasn't in church with her, he was at home drinking beer and smoking Cuban cigars.

My friend told me that people were always going to make assumptions, and she either had to laugh it off or get annoyed with them. She made a conscious decision to laugh it off. I think of her when I start to take things too personally. If I remind myself that people mean well even though they say insensitive things, I generally am able to refrain from kicking them even when they make outlandish statements.

I just read that if we feel worse when our visiting teachers have left we should tell our Relief Society president. What do you do when your Relief Society president is also your visiting teacher, as in my case? Both sisters are lovely in their own ways but tend to talk to each other as if I'm not there and I sometimes feel I am intruding if I make a comment!

U.K. Sister

That's not an easy question to answer, U.K. What you do depends on your personality. Being obnoxious as I am, I'd probably say, “Oh yoo hoo. How's the weather outside?” (This only works if they are not talking about the weather at the time.) Such a total non sequitur tends to stop people in their tracks, and they would realize that they were inadvertently excluding me from the conversation.

But you are apparently not obnoxious, so that tactic may not work for you. In that case, I'd probably muster up all my courage (a hard thing, because even though I am obnoxious I am also a total wimp) and approach the Relief Society president privately. My script would read something to the effect of, “I do appreciate your visits, but you and so-and-so have so much in common that I feel like an outsider. What can we do to remedy that situation?

Here's a potentially nasty problem that was warded off by a kindly visiting teacher:

Here is my experience when I was at that very vulnerable time of being a divorced, single mom with several children.

I had been in this particular ward for a while, and had recently been assigned new visiting teachers, when they came for the first time.  One was kind and friendly; the other sister — oh my, right away you could tell she did not want to be there, that she disapproved. She acted haughty and self-righteous the entire visit. (When we are already on the edge of our emotional life, we sure don't need someone to enter our home who doesn't want to be there!)  

After they left, I felt deeply sad and hurt.  (Most people like me right away.)  I was having great difficulty feeling even a bit good about myself. Oh, was I ever a failure. 

Now, here is the sweet blessing: about an hour later, here comes the kind and friendly visiting teacher, alone .   She let me know I was loved and of worth.   I was struggling just to stay active in church, striving to make ends meet and take care of all my children, and just striving to make it through each day without falling apart. 

It is many years later now, yet in my mind's eye, I can still see this kind sister. To me she will always be a caring angel coming back to help Christ rescue the fragile pieces and put them back together.   Oh how I thank Heavenly Father for inspiring her, and for the comfort of knowing her loving care was truly heaven sent.

Anonymous in America

What a great letter, Anonymous. You know, I have been in more than one situation where one of the members of the group acted pretty appalling to someone else, and I don't think it ever would have occurred to me to return to the scene of the crime and reassure the person who had been hurt. What a wonderful visiting teacher you had! Thanks for teaching me a lesson today.

Speaking of lessons learned, this next one calls me to task for recommending that people say, “What can I do to help?” rather than, “Call me if you need anything.” Here's what she had to say?

Although, “Call me if you need anything” is generally received as a crock offer by those truly in need of service, “What can I do to help?” isn't much better.   You are asking someone who is overwhelmed trying to keep up with daily must-be-done tasks (forget about the “need-to/should-be-done”) to think , in addition to overcoming any hesitancy about asking for help.  

Offer to do something specific.   Give a list of ideas, and have them pick a few.   Even better, go home and pray about what Heavenly Father thinks we can/should do.  (Often, there are needs that won't even be admitted.)

Been there, done that, got the T-shirt

Thanks for correcting me, T-shirt! You're absolutely right — sometimes even thinking about what we need is more than we can manage to do. If you really want to help someone, just help him. And if you can't see what the need is, prayer should give you a clue.

I read your article on Visiting Teaching for the first time today as I was looking at other articles.  I thought I would like to share with you what we do in our ward.  We have what we call triad teaching.  There are three (or four in our case) sisters who are assigned to each other.  We all take personal responsibility for each other. 

We schedule a continuous date (ours is the first Wednesday of each month), and we rotate homes each month.  We each individually read the lesson and share what was pertinent for each of us and visit with each other about what is going on in our lives.  We love it!  

We have done this for several years. We have become good friends.  Each triad decides for itself how they will meet, when they will meet and how they will use the time. Some go to lunch once a month.  We love the shared responsibility. 

Lee
St. George, Utah

It sounds like a great idea, Lee. I don't know if triad teaching is kosher, but if it works that's the important thing. It would be great to have a set time every month when I could get together with a couple of friends, and it sounds as though your ward has hit on a workable plan.

Here's a personal letter to a newly called Relief Society president (and newly reactivated member, too!), who wrote in last week:

To Sister Tavares, from Corpus Christi, Texas:

Your response to the column and discussion about insights of visiting teaching, plus your desire to serve faithfully in your new calling as Relief Society president, was a message of joy for us.  Brother Riddle and I were missionaries in your ward (ending March 2005).   We have communicated with several members who have shared little remarks about your reactivation and your influence. 

I have thought about the happiness you have showered on your sisters in that ward.  You are loved!  Your example will be a hopeful message to so many who will return to full fellowship.  

Gary and Nadine Riddle
Salt Lake City, Utah

Thanks for writing, Gary and Nadine. Little words of encouragement make a big difference.

Next we hear from the mountains of Colorado. Carla, a former Relief Society president (and wife of a five-time bishop) writes:

Thanks for covering all aspects of visiting teaching.  You know — "the good, the bad and the ugly."

I remembered this from a long time ago as I was thinking about visiting teaching after reading the Circle articles.  I guess understanding visiting teaching is what we put into it.  Here it is.      

Carla from Fort Collins, Colorado

Thanks for sending that story, Carla. I'm sure most of us have read it before, but it has new meaning when applied to the people we serve as visiting or home teachers. All of us are on the road to heaven, but some of us forget how to get there. Thanks for the reminder.

Our final letter today is one you'll be glad to read. A new reader, Maureen from Scotland, tells a story that will show you what visiting teaching can be all about. You'll be glad you read to the end of today's column. Here's what she had to say:

I have only just found this wonderful site, so I hope you will accept just one more letter re visiting teaching. 

Some years ago I as the new .Relief Society president, I gave a pair of visiting teachers an inactive sister to visit.  This was a lady who had not been at church for many years, so she was unknown to most of us.   The sisters were reluctant to visit, so I arranged to go with one of them to break the ice.  

Sister X was a lovely lady, who was quite ill. We had a nice visit.   Over the next few months I asked if the sisters had been to see Sister X again, but they hadn't.   Again I arranged to go visit with one of them.   

Sister X was now really unwell. After a very short time she said, "A prayer, a prayer."  I asked if she wanted us to pray. She nodded and we did. She fell asleep and we left the room, spoke to her husband a left.

Next day I learned that Sister X had died, never regaining consciousness.  We, her visiting teachers, had been the last people she spoke to, and the last thing she heard on this earth was a prayer uttered on her behalf.

As we left the graveyard after her funeral, Sister Y (the sister who accompanied me) said, "Now I know why we are asked to visit teach!"

Maureen in Bonnie Scotland

Thanks for writing, Maureen. Your letter really impressed on me Whose representatives we are when we do our visiting teaching. This is something I hope I never forget.

Come back next week, when our last visiting teaching-related stories will all be inspirational experiences like this one. I hope we can end this discussion on a note that will inspire us all to do our best as we minister to others — those for whom we have stewardship, and the neighbors we meet in our daily lives.

Until next week — Kathy

Verily I say unto you, Inasmuch as ye have done it unto
one of the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me.

Matthew 25:40