Learning Lessons from Others’ Woes
By Kathryn H. Kidd

Just when I’m starting to wonder something about Circle, along come a bunch of letters that answer the question. This time I was agonizing about whether this topic has gone on too long — and just as I started agonizing, I got several letters from readers who said they were grateful for the continuation of the topic. That was a relief!

It looks as though I’ve got enough letters on visiting teaching to cover this week and next week, with “success stories” scheduled for the week after that. Then we’ll move on to another topic. Till then, I hope you’re learning as much as I am about how we can all be better visiting teachers (or home teachers) to those who are under our stewardship.

Our first letter today comes from regular contributor Liz DeForest, who always has something pertinent to say. (Keep writing, Liz!) Here are her thoughts for today:

I am the visiting teaching supervisor in my ward right now, and 197 sisters fall under my organizational care. I have had both good and less-good visiting teachers myself. For many years no one showed up. When I never saw them, to me it was a vote of confidence from above because I figured someone else needed the dependable people more.

I had one visiting teacher who told me she hated visiting teaching. I ignored her. I had a pair of visiting teachers I had told I could not eat white flour or cane sugar and for three months in a row they home baked me goodies from white flour and cane sugar. My neighbors really enjoyed the treats.

My current visiting teacher listens to me and knows me. She often sends a card or a gift and does not come in person, but I feel far more noticed than I ever did by the last batch — who strictly followed the rules and always taught the lesson.

In doing our visiting teacher support and training in our ward, we are trying to stress loving our sisters and listening to them and their needs. There is a wonderful sister I get to visit during her lunch break working at the Getty Center, and she gets me free parking there. In my opinion I get the better deal(!), and I can meet her needs that way.

Because of my calling, people unload their bad experiences on me (fortunately none so far have been in this ward) and I totally understand their trauma, yet one of the ones who had a terrible experience is one of the most dedicated and compassionate visiting sisters we have. Maybe these traumas are for our long term good and experience like the sister who wrote in about how her bad experience helped her try to make sure none of her people ever had that experience.

One great visiting teacher I had did it totally by the book. At the time I had recently moved into an area with bad weather, my kids all kept getting colds, and I was totally isolated. My husband had a very high-demand job. She was the only outside contact I had all month besides Sundays, and many Sundays I was home with sick kids. I loved her visits. She gave the lesson and chatted a bit, but the key to me is not the method — it is in the heart.

If anyone is in a position to really need support and is not getting it, I am more than happy to rearrange assignments.

Liz from Santa Monica

Liz, I love what you wrote about, “When I never saw [my visiting teachers], to me it was a vote of confidence from above because I figured someone else needed the dependable people more.” What a great way to look at things!

I have had a similar experience to yours, with visiting teachers that brought you goodies made with white flour and cane sugar. I once had a perky little visiting teacher who decided that her mission in life was to get me on a diet and teach me to exercise. Every month she came with all sorts of nutritional information and offers to teach me how to exercise and even to exercise with me. Every month I told her that I’d gained 140 pounds in six months despite vigorous exercise, and that if diets and exercise worked for me, I’d definitely have lost the weight long ago. It didn’t matter; the next month we started all over again.

The amusing part was that every month she also brought me a plate of high-calorie treats. There were definitely some mixed messages being sent here! I’ve never really been a fan of desserts, so every month I gave the treats to my husband and fended off the offers for the visiting teacher to teach me about nutrition and exercise. It was kind of her to be concerned about me and to take the time to make the treats, even though she didn’t have a clue about what I actually needed.

I love the letters that have been sent in so far. I've learned lots from every one of them.

I had a wonderful companion from Spain once who taught me how to pray for our sisters. She always asked that we be shown how to love our sisters. She always prayed for them by name and asked a blessing on them for something specific. She prayed for every member of their household. Something about the way she said prayers helped me to realize what we should be doing. What a great example she was!

One time when I had difficult visiting teachers I asked the Relief Society president if she would change them, but surprisingly she begged me not to ask that. She knew I would have to "carry" them instead of the other way around, but she hoped I would make good visiting teachers out of them. In a year or maybe a little longer, I wouldn't have traded them for anybody else in the whole church. We were together for years, and what great blessings they brought to me during that time. I still consider them among my dearest friends.

When I was a Relief Society president I learned how hard it is to keep the visiting teaching going "right" in a ward. Wow. I will never, ever, ever complain again when I have a difficult companion or if difficult visiting teachers get assigned to me, or if the perfect setup gets changed way too fast before we could all become lasting friends. I know now that my Relief Society president has been praying like mad, and that she has felt that I could be a good influence on somebody, or somebody on me, and that Heavenly Father expects me to treat all as He would if He were in my place.

He has lessons for me to learn from lovely and from difficult people both, and I must figure out why they've been sent to my life for me to handle at any particular time. I just have to trust Heavenly Father to show me what to do more.

That's my take on visiting teaching for now!

Marci in Utah

Thanks for a great letter, Marci. We would all do well to stop and contemplate why we are in a difficult situation before running out to have that situation changed. The adversities that are given to us to teach us may well apply to people we visit teach or who visit us.

I also like your former companion’s practice of praying for every member of every household where you were assigned. That’s something to think about!

I have loved reading the letters folks sent in; I could identify with many.

Because my husband had heart troubles, with fainting spells, I could only really go to sacrament meeting. This, of course, kept me from knowing many new people, although I would welcome them. For a while, many former friends thought I was falling away from the Church! I had to stop that rumor with some phone calls. They no longer call at all, even though I promise I was tactful explaining my husband's condition. I think that at first they didn't call for fear of bothering him; now they don't call at all.

Missing all those Relief Society meetings took its toll. I began to, and still do, feel lonely. Sometimes the new missionaries offered to help, but we were told not to ask them. Only desperate, or chronically ill members were allowed to get help, I was told. The missionary push is strong in our area, as we are growing in leaps and bounds. People in need, like me, are put by the wayside. I try to call another sister, who has become neglected; her daughter is in deep depression, and now this older sister is worse off than me, and won't allow any visits! It makes me wonder — who else is by the side of the road?

I'm determined to not hold a grudge. My situation is improving and I am determined to resume all the meetings and try to help the new ladies know that not all of us are stuffy.

I've been a member 10 years and a temple worker. My own health prohibits me from driving the two and a half hours to and from the temple, but I will find some way to get reinvolved in the Church.

God Bless you for printing such a forthright column.

Anonymous

Thanks for writing, Anonymous. I’m sure a lot of readers can empathize with your situation.

I’ve been hearing rumblings for the past couple of months that indicate to me that our new prophet, President Monson, is very concerned that people aren’t “left by the side of the road,” as you put it. His conference talk on reaching the one was very encouraging to me, and I was even more encouraged by reports I have heard from others that show he focuses on doing quiet acts of service for individuals. I think that as we hear more such stories, many church members will go and do likewise. Indeed, a new focus on “reaching the one” could be one of the reasons President Monson has been called to lead us at this time, and we all may benefit from his leadership in this area. That’s a lovely thing to contemplate.

Concerning the article about visiting teaching, I guess I missed the first article but have saved the one with the letters from sisters who had bad experiences at one time or another. I plan to use these letters as points of discussion in Relief Society to maybe reduce the likelihood of having bad experiences in our ward. I am newly called to be the Relief Society president in our ward (just yesterday) and not even two years ago I was inactive!

But hopefully, your article will teach us all how to be better visiting teachers.

Judith Tavares
Corpus Christi, Texas

Thanks for writing, Judith, and congratulations on your new calling. I’m glad you’ve seen the potential of these letters to help us all be better visiting teachers, rather than just as a gripe forum. If people are using these letters constructively, it’s worth the time spent to compile them every week. You’ve made my day!

I have these two "sisters" I visit. They are mother and daughter — widows who live together. They have been semi-active for years. I have known them for over 25 years.

When I was first assigned to them before either one was a widow and they didn't live together, the mother would come over to her daughter’s house so I could teach them both at the same time. Over a year ago their phone number changed (which happens a lot), and I had no way to get hold of them but through mail.

I waited for them to show up at church, never knowing when they would come. Finally they showed up and I asked for a phone number, and all they had was a cell number and neither one could remember it. I expressed I would love to come over to visit them and tried to set a date there at church. They avoided it and I never got a date set or a phone number. I sent another letter. I always ask politely for their phone number when I do see them, and they never give it to me.

I have talked to my Relief Society president, and she tells me to keep writing to them. I have gone to their house and have not found anyone at home. I don't know what to do but keep sending them letters. They don't tell me they don't want any visiting teaching. I know they contact their home teacher, for he works on their car, and he is my Relief Society president's husband! I don't know what to do! Any ideas?

Kimberly in Michigan

Thanks for writing, Kimberly. I don’t have any ideas for you, but I do have some encouragement.

My husband and I home teach a younger inactive lady who sounds like a kindred spirit to the two ladies you visit teach. We know her phone number, but she does not answer her phone. We knock on her door, gifts in hand, but she does not answer her door. We’re not alone; she doesn’t answer the phone or the door for her own sister, either. I am able to speak to her a half dozen times a year, if I really make the effort.

We assumed we weren’t getting anywhere. I dreamed of being reassigned so I wouldn’t have to deal with the rejection anymore — and so she could get home teachers she might relate to better. But alas, in our ward home teaching assignments are done on a “till death do you part” basis. We’ve got one family we’ve been visiting for twenty years!

Several years ago, she and her husband decided to move. Problem solved — or so I thought. Then she confessed to me that she and her husband were doing everything they could to stay in the ward — because they didn’t want to move away from their home teachers. She went on and on about what a huge difference we’d made in her life, and in her husband’s life, and how important we were to her, and how much she loved us.

You could have knocked me over with a ward directory!

Now she is happily ensconced in her new home. She still doesn’t answer the phone or the door, but on the few occasions a year when we actually communicate she goes on and on about how much she loves us and how she considers us to be her best friends.

The reason I’m telling you all this is not to toot my own horn, because my own horn is decidedly untootworthy, Rather, I tell you this because you have no idea what effect you’re having on the people you visit teach. You may be frustrated beyond belief, and you may want to give up, but you can’t give up. You may be having a greater influence on the people you visit teach than you ever dreamed possible — even if they won’t let you in the door.

Read on for another encouraging word:

Wow — it has sure been enlightening and fun to read about our shared experiences of visiting teaching! One thing I've noticed is that every sister's negative experiences inspired her to be better. If you multiply that times all the sisters she then visited, and then those who went on to follow her good example, we can really see "small things become great"!

One thing I was taught that has served me well ever since is that visiting teaching is just that — half visiting and half teaching. It's a simple formula that keeps me focused on what's important. Sensitivity and prayer are essential; sometimes the lesson isn't right for the one being visited. Thanks for the sharing, all of us can relate to most of it!

Leslie in California

Thanks for writing, Leslie. Your letter reminded me of one of my favorite Book of Mormon heroes — Corianton. Here was a guy who messed up big time. But because he messed up, we got some of the best doctrine in the whole Book of Mormon, as his father convinced him of the error of his ways.

Like Corianton, we can learn from our mistakes and from the mistakes of others. And if we use what we’ve learned, those bad experiences can turn into good ones that will bless generations of people.

I believe that the Lord has the ultimate lemonade stand. No matter how many lemons we hand him, he continually goes out and makes something good out of them.

Here’s a letter that extols the virtues of a visiting teaching interview:

Visiting teaching would be greatly improved if we learned about our sisters. Having moved several times in the past few years, I’ve often felt at a disadvantage when everyone knows each other and talk about people I don't know. I suggest that for new companionships (and even old) we interview each other. The focus should be on the sister being visited, but the visitors can add answers as well, as long as they don’t dominate. When we really get to know someone, we are more likely to provide appropriate assistance.

1. How long of visits would work with her needs and schedule? 15 min., 30 min., 45 min., 1 hr.? How often? When?
2. Background: Where was she born? How long has she lived in your area? What does she love most about it? How long does she think she may stay here?
3. Family life: Does she have family in the area? (This is good to know if there’s a major need any time.) Is she married? If she isn’t, don’t even consider asking why not! Instead, ask about her parents, friends, siblings. If she is married, where did she meet her husband? Any kids? Ages and names? (Watch her face when she describes her husband and kids — you’ll see if she’s thrilled about them or if there is some pain or worry.)
4. School/work: Is she going to school? Does she work? Does she enjoy her job? What would be her dream job? Does she need a job and doesn’t have one?
5. Hobbies/Dreams: If she had one week where money and time were no object, what would she do? Realistically, what does she like to do when she has 30 minutes free time?
6. Gospel: When did she learn about the Church? This would be a great time to turn the interview into something more; express when you, the visiting teacher, first recognized you had a testimony and what that did for you. Perhaps your sister will want to share as well.

Great ideas, Trish! I especially liked the way you advised us to look for the expressions on someone’s face when you’ve asked her a question. Subtle cues may tell us a whole lot more than words when we’re discerning the needs of those we visit teach.

I am a Relief Society president. I have a sister in my ward who is a real problem for me, and I’m wondering if anyone has any suggestions on what I can do about her, if anything. She has only been in the Church about four years, but thinks she knows more about how visiting teaching should be done than her visiting teacher does. This is true, no matter whom I assign to her.

Each time I give her a new visiting teacher, the arrangement lasts about six months. Then the visiting teacher asks to be released, because she can’t stand the demands and the verbal abuse any more, even though they were friends to begin with. Of course, the word spreads, and one of these days I am going to run out of willing sisters. She does not apply such criticisms to herself, though. The people she visits complain to me about her either not coming, or spending the whole time talking about herself.

Frustrated in California

That’s a can of worms, Frustrated. No wonder you’re feeling out of sorts!

The sad fact is that some people cannot be pleased. You can give some people a million dollars, and they’ll complain if the bills are wrinkled. Generally, these people are unhappy with themselves and their own lives, and they project their unhappiness on others.

I don’t know if there’s a one-size-fits-all answer to your problem. Your best bet is probably to pray like crazy to be inspired with a solution that will work for this individual person. There may not be a way of making her happy — but perhaps making her happy isn’t the goal of all this. I keep thinking of the phrase, “Some are sent to lead us, and some are sent to try us.” If this particular lady refuses to be pleased, she may be there for another purpose entirely — to teach patience and compassion to those who have to interact with her, for instance.

Our next letter is doubly unusual. For one thing, it comes from a man. For another, it comes from Iraq. Read on for what this gentleman has to say:

Wow! Home teachers need to read and apply all of these ideas in their home teaching as well. Time should be spent in our priesthood, Relief Society, and sacrament meetings to go over these issues, concerns, ideas, and suggestions!

I think too many times we focus mainly on getting the home and visiting teaching done for statistical purposes each month and we leave the human and spiritual element out of it.

I read many of comments made by the visiting teachers and may I make the following comments:

1. I wish brethren were assigned Visiting Teachers! Women tend to be more sensitive, caring, committed, and nobody beats the treats and small gifts that they bring every month to your home for your wife.
   
2. I notice that some women complained that their visiting teaching companions aired their personal problems and concerns to them before, during, or after visiting teaching visits. I think that every visiting teacher and home teacher needs to realize that the worth of every soul is great in the sight of the Lord. Sometimes the Lord assigns us a companion because they need our help and assistance also!
   
   Just as a missionary is responsible to a certain degree for the welfare of his companion on a mission, and a husband or wife is responsible to a certain degree for the welfare of his spouse in a marriage, so should home and visiting teachers also be willing to take some time to be there for their companions as well. The Lord uses us all as instruments in his hands. Sometimes our companions have bad days as well or need a spiritual recharge! We should all remember that song that goes, "He ain't heavy — he's my brother!" or "She ain't heavy — she's my sister!"
   
3. I also feel that home and visiting teaching can be a very thankless job at times. It never hurts to recognize our home and visiting teachers at times! Ideas to do this would be certificates of appreciation, flowers, pat on the back, a nice ward dinner, a small token of appreciation, a letter or card of thanks and appreciation from the presidency, a plate of cookies! I used to throw a pizza party for my home teachers when I was elder's quorum president! And I will never forget the advice that I was given by a former church leader — “Praise in public and admonish in private!” Don't blast home and visiting teachers in a public setting for not doing their home and visiting teaching.
   
4. I hear sometimes that members have not had home or visiting teachers in years. I feel the responsibility is also ours as members to find out who our home and visiting teachers are and invite them over to our home. Invite them over for dinner, a snack, or just to visit. They may be scared to death to come over and see us, or maybe were never taught how to home or visit teach.

   If you don't know who your home or visiting teachers are ask a member of the elders quorum, high priest group, or Relief Society presidency and find out. Be proactive! Or
   ask your bishop. Also when they do come over to visit, turn off the TV, have the family gather around, and be friendly. Meet them half way — and treat them as Christ would.
   

David A. Schory
Baghdad, Iraq Service Man's Group

Thanks for writing, David. I especially liked what you said about being concerned for the needs of your home- or visiting teaching companion as well as for the people on your route. Even though you should focus on the needs of the person or family you’re visiting during the visit, you can certainly attend to your companion’s needs before or between visits. It’s what the Savior would do.

Several weeks ago I asked someone to come up with a Ten Commandments for visiting teaching. Nobody took me up on it, but our next letter is from a reader who came up with the 8 B’s of visiting teaching — which is just as good. Here they are:

My husband is a bishop of a BYU married student ward. His Relief Society president asked me to speak at their visiting teaching conference, and as I came up with stories and quotes, I wrote the 8 B’s of visiting teaching (the idea for the B’s, of course, I must credit to President Hinckley).

My talk was titled, “Visiting Teaching — Salvation or Irritation”

Beatitudes for Visiting Teaching Salvation:

1. Believe in Christ
2. Be a light (radiate the light of Christ)
3. Be loyal (no gossiping during or after those visits)
4. Be longsuffering (visit your inactives and hard to reach sisters — never give up)
5. Don’t Be a liar (if you didn’t do your visiting, don’t report that you did. Who are you lying to, really?)
6. Be a leader (lead them to good works with love and kindness)
7. Be loving
8. Be lost (in a cause. When we lose ourselves, we truly find ourselves!)

Hope this is helpful to your discussion.

Cheryl Radmall

Thanks, Cheryl. This is definitely helpful to what we’re discussing. I appreciate your sending these in, and I love the title of your talk!

Read on for the confession of a “bad” visiting teacher:

I am what most of you would consider a “bad” visiting teacher. A lot of the comments I’ve read so far sound like they are based on what you think you need or what you think visiting teaching should look like.

There have been times in my life when visiting teaching has been easy to do. I got along well with my companion, I liked the sisters I was assigned to, our schedules complemented each other so it was easy to see each other, I lived close by the people I visit taught, I lived by people who I felt good about leaving my toddler or baby with, and so on.

I have come to realize that visiting teaching is easier or harder in different seasons of your life. Currently, it would be difficult for me to watch someone’s child without notice, take someone dinner and stay to visit, or come over and clean someone’s house. Not only would this be difficult, but wrong, because I would be neglecting my own family’s needs.

It is imperative not to judge those you visit or those who visit you. I have a large family, I am a student, my husband is in the military and frequently gone for long periods of time, and I live in a foreign country and far away from relatives who would love to help me. All of us are busy, so before you judge, I suggest that you assume that those who visit you are doing the best they can.

Visiting teaching is not about thinking, “Finally, it is my turn to be served!” It is an opportunity to help each other, whether you are the teacher or the one being visited.

Visiting teaching is very personal. Take time to talk to God about what you can and cannot do. He will inspire you when you should make time in your schedule to watch someone’s child or make that dinner. Things that have helped me during this challenging season of my life are prayer, sending letters, making a phone call instead of visiting, sending an email, and reporting needs that I could not fulfill to the Relief Society president.

A “bad” visiting teacher

Thanks for writing, Bad. You’ve pointed out in a good way that even though we’re supposed to strive to do our best, doing our best is all we can do. Thanks for your suggestions!

Here’s a sad story with a happy ending:

Several years ago my husband and I went on a mission to Canada. I was very homesick for three or four months. Christmas fell during that period. I was really disappointed that I didn't get at least a Christmas card from the two women who were my visiting teachers back home. One of them was the stake president's wife and the other became my bishop's wife.

However, I asked for a visiting teacher in the ward I attended in Canada and was given the person I call the world's best visiting teacher. She became a real friend, visited me on my lunch hours from the office, made sure I went to night Relief Society meetings, and even took me to see several of the sights near there. I really love her as a forever friend!

Lois in Washington

I’m glad your story had a happy ending, Lois. It’s just terrific when a church assignment turns into a lifetime friendship.

In defense of stake presidents’ wives and bishops’ wives, however, I hope we try not to hold them to a higher standard than we hold everyone else. They’re under enough stress already just living day to day without knowing we’re looking at them to be better than we are.

By the way, thanks for serving that mission! I feel a debt of gratitude to people who serve missions and people who serve in the military. They make life better for all of us.

And here’s our final letter for today. I thought we’d end on a happy note:

I've been following this topic with great interest. I really don't have suggestions on how to be a better visiting teacher, yet wanted to let you know how blessed I have been through the years (a great many years) with wonderful visiting teachers. They have visited my home, bringing beautiful messages; they have wept with me during tragedy; laughed with me during happy times; they have materialized at hospitals when I have been there, feeling lost; they have brought meals; welcomed me into new areas; gone places with me; brought picnics to my workplace, and yes, sat and visited with each other during their visits, and at times seemed uninterested.

I have treasured those times as well.

Everyone has a story to tell. And as they visited with each other I was given a wonderful opportunity to learn more about each of them, and come to love them even more. I have no suggestions, but thank you for the opportunity of saying "thank you" to wonderful, imperfect, yet angelic visiting teachers. God bless each one of you.

A very grateful reader from Utah

Thanks, Grateful. It looks as though I need to add visiting teachers to people who serve missions and who serve in the military to my gratitude list. Some people really do make our lives better.

Okay, ladies and gents, that’s it for this week. Next week we’ll wind up the topic and the week after that we’ll have our success stories. Life is sweet.

Until next time — Kathy

Friendship ... is not something you learn in school.
But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship,
you really haven't learned anything.

Muhammad Ali

Return to Top of Article

Click here to sign up for Meridian's FREE email updates.