It warms the cockles of my heart to read the letters from so many of you who are able to wax philosophical about the visiting teaching program — finding the good in it even as you have endured some bad situations. A lot of good has been done by visiting teachers, and I'm still looking for people who want to tell their success stories. (More on that later in this column.)

My heart went out to the sister who is having problems with her visiting teachers. I've realized that in any problematic situation like this, you always have three options: 1) Accept it and learn to live with it, 2) Remove yourself from the situation, or 3) Try to change the situation or influence the other person. No option is necessarily better than the others; each option has consequences, and you have to decide which consequences you're personally willing to live with based on your personal needs.

With accepting the situation, the hard part is really learning how to let it go and not have it bother you. It sounds like this is what you have been doing so far, but that it's not working for you 100%. That's okay — some people are really good at not getting their feathers ruffled and just letting things go pretty easily. But if you're anything like me and have a hard time letting the situation go unresolved, you'll want to try the other options.

With removing yourself from the situation, there are a couple of things you can do. One thing to do is to set a time limit for how long sisters can come and visit. I had one sister I taught who only wanted us to come by for 10 minutes. It was nothing personal; she just didn't want any more than that. It was a little strange for me at first, but I got used to it soon enough (and even started to like it).

Another thing is to try meeting in an environment other than your home. (This would definitely keep sisters from criticizing your cleaning style, at least.) One sister I currently teach prefers to meet in the church lobby during or after the meeting block. That's always been fine with me.

You could also request that they just give you a phone call instead of a visit. Or you could request that they not come at all — it's always an option. (If they don't like that because they're more worried about reporting 100% visiting teaching than actually respecting your feelings, I'd say they definitely have their hearts in the wrong place.)

Now comes the tough alternative — trying to influence the sister who has offended you. A healthy exercise that I do is that I write down all the things that I don't like or that are bothering me. Then for each item I wrote down, I try to write the opposite of that — the things I do like and what I want to have happen.

For example, "I don't want to be criticized by my visiting teacher" becomes "I want to be uplifted by my visiting teachers and made to feel better about myself." Think about what that would specifically look and feel like if that sister were doing those things. For example, "I want her to make positive comments and be forgiving of my imperfections." I find that this exercise helps me to cool down and have a more charitable attitude towards the situation while still remaining assertive about my own needs.

After you've done that exercise, set up a time to talk with the sister individually. Making sure to communicate your love and respect for her, tell her: "When you come to visit me, I need you to uplift me and make me feel better about myself. By that I mean, I want you to be cheerful and make positive, upbeat comments about me and to be forgiving of me when I'm not perfect. If you could do that, I'd feel a whole lot better and I think our visits would be more meaningful to both of us."

Remember to focus on the future and "I" statements, rather than dwelling on past wrongs and "blaming you" statements. If that doesn't work, call the Relief Society president and request a route change.

I must say, I find it sadly ironic that so many of the visiting teachers of the sister who started this topic have been so harshly critical. It entirely goes against the purpose of the visiting teaching program. As a reminder to all of us who are visiting teachers, I want to close with a quote from Elder Marvin J. Ashton:

Alyssa Rock
Silicon Valley, California

Thanks for writing, Alyssa. I love your three options! Not every solution works in every case, and I really like the way you came upon a three-pronged way to deal with the situation. What a good way to deal with the problems of life — not just in visiting teaching situations, but in all sorts of challenges!

Our next reader also has a list — this one of four suggestions for the lady who originally wrote in. Here it is:

1. If the circumstances are right, you speak with the bishop or even the visiting teaching supervisor in order to that he/she suggests a Relief Society/Elders Quorum reminder of good teaching practices.  Hints don't work in situations like this, so whoever addresses the problem needs to come up with specifics. If it's done in Relief Society or quorum meeting, I suggest it could be less of a discussion than normal. 
2. I know it sounds unfair, but is sure sounds like this sister could use some love or anonymous service.  If she is that critical, rude or whatever in all likelihood she is not feeling her own worth. This suggestion is also to bless you.   When ever I am hurt or angry with someone, the only way I know how to make it go away is to serve that person. 
3. You have a wonderful heart.  It is so obvious that you want to support these sisters in their calling. Most would just find excuses not to have them visit. Idleness can bring a lot problems. Maybe there is something you could enjoy doing together that doesn't involve sitting on the couch talking for half an hour — gardening, scrapbooking, going to a museum. This probably isn't a fail proof suggestion; talk will still be a part of the deal, but she might have her own bad feelings of visiting teaching and this maybe part of the problem. Maybe doing something you both enjoy will help change that spirit.   I would use this one with lots of prayer. I bet going to the temple could help the situation if it is a possibility.
4. Pray that to find out why this sister was called to visit teach you.  I have a deep testimony that these are not by chance.  I was able to find two wonderful friends, a job and temple buddies and more — just from one assignment. 

Grateful for Visiting Teaching

Thanks for your suggestions, Grateful. I can really vouch for the concept of doing anonymous service for someone who has wronged you. Sometimes it's the only way to erase the hard feelings. What a great reminder!

Well, shall we get started?

I think the biggest thing we must do as a visiting teacher is get the spirit for the sister we are visiting.  (It would prevent a whole host of problems, and open wide the doors of fellowship.)  Get on your knees and really pray.   What the sisters need, may or may not be what we think they need.   Heavenly Father, on the other hand, does know.  If we will humble ourselves and ask, He will let us know what we can do to meet their needs.  I beg, if you get someone else's opinion, and it contradicts the impression — go with the impression, no matter how authoritative the “someone” seems.  Visiting teaching is not about us.   It's about the sisters we visit.

I've had a few dear visiting teachers over the years. I've also had a couple I had problems with, but only once did I outright asked the Relief Society president for a change. (After hearing what happened, it was changed the next day.) 

The irony was, the one sister I had such a serious ongoing issue with was the visiting teaching coordinator.   She took away a sister I loved and could relate to, but was my mother's age — because “you need a visiting teacher your age, not some old lady.”   (My mother and I have totally different lifestyles — I was very grateful to have an LDS mother figure.)   I was then assigned a sister I was really looking forward to having as a visiting teacher (but whose life had just literally fallen apart and she wasn't able to get out.  I was willing to wait until she was back on her feet), but a few months later, the coordinator gave me to herself because, “You need someone who will visit you.”  

On their visit, she and her companion both brought their young children when I was in a very fragile state of health (which I didn't advertise).  The entire time was spent trying to rein in the little tykes, with some very superficial “socially correct” pleasantries mixed in.  I just wanted it to end.  They assumed because I had a child slightly younger, I would welcome theirs. It took me a few weeks to recover from their visit — and the precious energy I spent recovering should have been spent meeting my own children's needs. 

After their visit, in desperation — and with great anxiety — I shared the situation with the Relief Society president. I asked her to, “Please remind the sisters to be considerate about bringing their children.”  My visiting teachers were again changed. Now, three years (and yet another change) after this latest visiting teaching boondoggle started, I have been given back my LDS mother figure. Hooray!

Visiting teaching is not a play date, unless the sister you visit says, “Bring the kids.”   I am adamantly opposed to sisters bringing their children unless the sister they are visiting says it's okay.  As wonderfully fun as children can be, they are distracting.  (I make exceptions for very young babies.)  Even if a child is well behaved, the ability to visit may be inhibited because some things are not appropriate for young ears.  (Then again, some children are downright destructive at other people's homes.)

There, I'm done venting.

Kristen Davey

Thanks for your thoughts, Kristen. You make good points about bringing children, for several reasons. First, not all houses are childproof. Second, not all conversations are appropriate for children. Third, children naturally do things to draw attention to themselves. (A lot of adults do the same thing, so it's not restricted to children!) In that case, even conversations that children could safely overhear can't occur because the parents are too busy monitoring the kidlets.

I have seen cases where young mothers did their visiting teaching at a fast food restaurant that had a play area, with great success. I have also seen instances where women are perfectly fine with having visiting teachers come over with a passel of toddlers. But arrangements like these should always be mutually agreeable to everyone. In Kristen's own words, “Visiting teaching is not about us.   It's about the sisters we visit.”

Regarding the visiting teaching program: I'm thirty-eight and have lived all over the U.S. My husband and I have attended thirteen wards in the twenty years we've been married.  I've served in Relief Society many times and have seen the program run in many different ways. 

I remember one well-meaning Relief Society president made up a poster that had everyone's names on it.  If they received a visit that month, they got a little heart sticker next to their name.  If not, they got a little broken heart sticker.  Another presidency decided to let the sisters themselves decide who they wanted to visit teach.  Still another decided not to keep track of the numbers at all because of the bad feelings that seemed to seethe whenever she talked about visiting teaching in Relief Society. 

In my twenties, I think I was the sort of visiting teacher that many women dread.  I did my duty faithfully each month, whether or not the sisters themselves wanted it (and believe me, most of the less-active sisters did not want it).  But I really felt that "the work must be done" and carried on for years visiting with sisters and checking them off my list each month.  Most Relief Society presidents appreciated me and I thought I was doing a pretty good job — until we moved out of the country.

When our family moved to Europe, for the first time in my life I didn't want to go to church.  There was no English-speaking branch, and that meant listening to all of the meetings in another language.  Most of the members spoke English, and almost everyone was friendly and helpful, but it was still very difficult.  I felt stupid all the time. 

My visiting teachers came every month and blithely switched to English to accommodate me, but it honestly made me feel even more stupid and increasingly like an outsider.  As nice as they were, I began to dread their visits and found reasons to skip them altogether.

It was about this time that I started thinking about how I must have made many less-active sisters feel with my clumsy attempts to "make them feel included in the Relief Society."  Instead of prayerfully asking the Lord what they truly might want or need (which might be to simply leave them alone), I focused on the visit, letter, or phone call.  It's possible that some of these women did appreciate my efforts, but I feel certain I alienated many others.   

Sylvia Allred recently wrote that the purpose of visiting teaching is to "build caring relationships with each sister and to offer support, comfort, and friendship."  If building caring relationships is the point of this program, I'm not sure how effective it is to use a system that assigns you to be friends.  

True friendship is not something that grows out of once-a-month visits.  It comes from shared experiences and common goals, from being completely honest with each other, and from humility and Christ-like love.  I'm not saying the current program makes authentic friendships impossible.  I just think it makes them less likely.  The very things that get reported on (have you visited or contacted, did you share the message, did you have a prayer) can be a barrier to friendship for many women, particularly less-active women.

Full disclosure — I am still a visiting teacher, but I've changed.  I don't think about whether it's the beginning or end of the month, and I don't let well-meaning but sort-of clueless visiting teaching coordinators make me feel guilty about "getting it done in the first half of the month".  I try to meet for lunch or a walk in the park instead of making an appointment.  I no longer whip out the Ensign — gospel topics seem to come up on their own anyway, but if they don't that's ok, too.  And prayer is only offered when my sister asks for it.  These things are intimate activities that can only be truly shared when authentic friendship is already there — something that takes time to develop naturally.

Lisa Goddard

Thanks for an excellent letter, Lisa. I like the way you showed your progression from being “the kind of visiting teacher that many women dread,” to serving the women you visit teach. I've had a similar progression in home teaching and visiting teaching. Clark and I went for more than twenty years without missing a family, but in the past few years we've had families whose lives would be really complicated by monthly visits. It was a painful process to stop looking at the calendar, but the people we teach have often thanked us for doing what they need rather than rigidly marking their names off a checklist. It truly is all about filling the needs of the person who is being taught, rather than satisfying our own ideas of what is proper.

I have been blessed to have visiting teachers who have cared for me and others who have just made their “monthly” visit or brought some “gift” for the month.  And I have to say I have done the same as well, so I am not a perfect visiting teacher. 

The two visiting teachers who stand out in my mind came not to visit but to teach.  We “really” talked about the lesson for that month and they taught me.  I so loved their coming to my home because I am married to an inactive husband and the only time I ever got to talk about the gospel in my home was when they came.  It was wonderful!  People forget that many of our circumstances do not allow such conversations.  My visiting teachers loved me and always said a prayer before they left and blessed my home. 

I was so appreciative of them and for their recognizing my circumstances.  I truly looked forward to these two sweet sisters coming every month, and was so very sorry when they were assigned another sister in my place.  I have since tried to do the same for those I visit and ask them if we can say a prayer before leaving.  They were wonderful examples to me and made my home, for an hour, a little bit of heaven on earth!

DH

Now there's a novel concept, DH — actually discussing the topic of the month rather than just have someone read it. I'm not being sarcastic, either — I don't remember ever having that done by my visiting teachers before.

I think I'm going to see what this month's message is and then try to start a discussion on the subject when my visiting teachers and I go to lunch next month. It could add a new dimension to our visiting teaching experiences.

Read on for how a smart South Carolinian uses humor to deflect possibly toxic situations;

I have had visiting teachers that mean the world to me — taking care of my children when I was ill, calling to check up or just chat. The list goes on. But I try to let them know up front, “If you want to visit, come any time. If you want to inspect, it will require a six-month wait.”

This lets a lot of sisters know they can come and be themselves; we can be friends as well as sisters. But I want no critical comments.

Let's be positive. We all have enough bad stuff on our plates. Bring me a short, positive lesson and visit. We all need a friend and a good time.

Rhonda in South Carolina

Rhonda, you sound like the kind of person I'd like to visit teach. And you can be sure, I'd leave my white gloves at home!

In response to the dilemma regarding visiting teaching, here's my take on it. We are all imperfect, struggling sisters in this big world, trying to make it through the best we can.  Perhaps if there are rare, extreme circumstances where there is a true mismatch and a change needs to be made between sisters and visiting teachers, then that can be taken care of. 

However, in most cases, I believe that people need to get to know each other, and when they do they will find that they can become friends and find common areas where they understand and truly appreciate each other when they take the time to do so. 

Friendship is the goal!  It isn't about just getting in and getting the visit over with — it's about reaching out and making a friend.  A true friend will know what the sister needs, who she is, what is special about her.  Sometimes it's the visit or , and sometimes it's the visit ed who needs the friend. Everyone is important here.

I have been truly blessed with wonderful visiting teachers — always!  Some have come to visit me regularly, some have never stepped a foot into my home — but I have loved them all because I knew that they loved me as they were able.  And I hope none of them have ever felt guilty for anything as I think most visiting teachers tend to feel. There is just too much in this world to feel you fall short of — we just need to try our best to do what we can!  All you can do is all you can do — and that's just great for me!  I'm just thankful for a program that allows us to get to know each other better and share our beliefs and love of the gospel with each other.

Hopefully-Not-Too-Harshly-Judged Visiting Teacher in Oregon

What a neat letter, Hopefully! You're so right, too. I don't think anyone sets out to do her visiting teaching after saying, “I wonder how I can ruin so-and-so's life today.” We are all trying to help, but some of us are more skilled at it than others. And some people were standing in the ambrosia line when tact was being handed out Upstairs.

As a wise Relief Society president once told me, “It's the people who have driven everyone else away who need us the most.” It may not be as fun to visit the curmudgeons, but the Savior didn't only visit the people who were happy and popular and whole.

Boy, I can truly relate to "An Otherwise Sensible Sister" and her experiences. I have been blessed with two wonderful visiting teachers in the past.  Unfortunately, it was in the past!

Last month when I saw my visiting teacher she was rushing from one appointment to another to get everyone in before the end of the month.  Did I feel uplifted?  Well, only in a most negative way. You see, I had finished my visiting teaching by the middle of that month!  So I was sort of happy I wasn't in her place, but that isn't what I see as a good attitude to have.

The way I see it, we all need to put the other person ahead of ourselves.  I pray about my visit before I go, pray with the sister while I am there and pray again later that I had done what was needed and ask for inspiration to be aware and sensitive to her needs. 

What do I do when the sister doesn't want to have a visit?  The same thing, just can't pray with her!  Sometimes it is discouraging to know that I am not welcome, but I keep trying!

I have made dear friends with sisters I would never have had the opportunity to know if the visiting teaching program wasn't in place.

Perhaps I should mention that I am an adult convert and was puzzled at first as to why these same two sisters came to visit me so often!  Then I was taught about visiting teaching by the Relief Society president in my ward.  When she called me to be a visiting teacher I was worried that I couldn't "teach" anyone on my list — they were lifelong members.  Then I was blessed with a companion who showed me that we aren't just "teaching;" we are reaching out in friendship to our sisters.  What a different perspective that gave me!

I shall always be grateful for the visiting teaching program and the sisters who have reached out to me in friendship.

A Reader in California

I like your upbeat attitude, California. You have a good perspective on the situation.

Your letter reminds me of the week I was a Fuller Brush saleslady when I was going to BYU one summer. I was assigned to an area in downtown Provo, Utah, and when I knocked on the door I was greeted with great joy by a little old lady. I took my sample case in and sat down, only to hear from her how delighted she was to have a visiting teacher come to see her. She was so grateful that somebody cared that there was no way I was going to try to sell her a hairbrush! That was the end of my Fuller Brush experience.

How many people are sitting at home, waiting for someone to knock on their door and love them? I am so glad there's a visiting teaching program that keeps at least some of our members from falling through the cracks.

I am so sorry to hear of this negative visiting teaching experience.  I'm sure it is not the only one, which makes me even sadder.  I hope everyone who reads this can learn from it, taking away a renewed spirit of love for their sisters. 

I felt very sorry for the sister that wrote the letter on visiting teaching to you. I've been a member of the Church all my life and have had a few experiences myself. Some of them were good. Some of them were bad. I think that part of supporting the visiting teaching program is letting others come into your home and try to fulfill their calling. They may not do it very well or the way that you would like. The point is that they are trying just as hard as everyone else to be obedient to the things asked of them. As women and sisters, can we please remember to give each other credit for that?

Anonymous

You made a brief but important point, Anonymous. The scriptures say we will be judged as we judge. We should be bending over backwards to forgive people whose efforts fall short of our expectations, because one day we'll be the ones being judged.

Until next time — Kathy

“Call on God, but row away from the rocks.”

Hunter S. Thompson