Cease! Desist! I admit defeat! I have had to rent virtual scaffolding to climb above the deluge of emails that have poured into my email box regarding visiting teachers and visiting teaching.

It only makes sense — all women in the Church have had visiting teachers, and most of us have been visiting teachers for all of our adult lives. We've all seen the good, the bad, and the ugly. And truth be told, a lot of us have been the good, the bad, and the ugly. (I know I have!)

Because we've all experienced the whole spectrum, this is a topic that could keep festering for months. If I don't get another letter, I'll have enough for three weeks of letters after this week, and I think that's about enough. So PLEASE, ladies, with one exception (which will be highlighted later in today's column), please don't send any more letters on this topic. The ones we have are terrific, and I'm betting in the next three weeks we'll touch all the bases. Use the time you'd spend writing a letter about visiting teaching to write to your visiting teachers (if you have good ones) and thank them for being good. Or if your own visiting teachers aren't up to snuff, use that time coming up with ways you can be more sensitive to the needs of the ladies on your route. (Or take a bubble bath and pamper yourself. That works for me.)

Here is today's batch:

Okay, I can totally relate!  I, too, am a diligent visiting teacher but absolutely dread the visits I get.  After they've been late, scheduled difficult times to come, let their kids break things, and tracked paint all over my carpet, I have ended up with sisters who whine the entire time and then leave, sisters who don't bring a message or leave with a prayer, sisters who stay too long when I need to be done — or I feel neglected that they don't come at all :-)

Stuck in Sandy

Loved your letter, Stuck! After your litany of all the transgressions committed by your visiting teachers, you end with saying your feelings are hurt if they don't come. That was great for a laugh!

We all have our good days and bad days. Some of us have good years and bad years. That's why I've been glad that most of the letters we have received have focused on the things we have learned from having visiting teachers who didn't measure up — or from being visiting teachers who missed the mark. Thanks for telling us what your visiting teachers have taught you.

I found the comments on visiting teachers to be a good reminder of what we should strive to be as visiting teachers — loving and non-judgmental and focused on the sisters we visit instead of ourselves.  Visiting teaching doesn't work well if we are more concerned about fixing our sisters than helping them — or sharing our problems rather than listening to their concerns.  Visiting teaching is about caring and gives us opportunity to practice being compassionate.  It is not about you.  It is about them.

As for coping with visiting teachers who are less than perfect, patience is certainly required.  Not everyone gets the picture of what visiting teaching is about right away.  For some people, it takes years.  I have found that I can help with the process by asking my visiting teachers for help and by sharing some of my challenges with them.  I can ask for the message if they don't offer it, and I can add my testimony to the message they deliver. 

I can also share my concerns with the Relief Society President so that she can offer additional instruction at appropriate times.  Being upset with the visiting teachers, and possibly sharing my concerns with others in the ward who have no stewardship in the process does little to help, and may even hinder the process.  I have found my best option to be asking, "What can I do to help?" — and then doing it.

Pat Mack
San Jose, California

That's a great letter, Pat! It's human nature to grumble when something is done wrong, but you look for ways to help your visiting teachers improve. Even though visiting teachers aren't sustained with an uplifted hand, the whole nature of sustaining someone in a calling is to do whatever you can to help that person succeed. It sounds as though you are sustaining your visiting teachers in the best possible way — and are reaping the rewards thereof. Thanks for the lesson.

I absolutely hate the phase, "Call me if you need anything” — what a crock! If I just told you I was having issues, you as a visiting teacher (or anyone else for that matter) can do something — anything!

After months of my husband being sick, I am sick and tired of watching everyone drive by my house when I am outside shoveling snow by myself (as they kindly wave as they go by), tired of them knowing we have gone for endless tests, tired of everyone saying, “Call me if you need anything." For heaven's sake, stop saying it and do something — anything!

For example: What a welcome sight to get a loaf of bread, a plate of cookies, a meal to either freeze or cook on the days I am gone all day long — or even to get a card. Ninety-nine percent of the people who are going through a family crisis have so much on their plate that they are on autopilot just trying to keep up.

Lighten the load and just do something. Don't wait for the already overwhelmed to call you and ask. It just baffles my mind and seems like such a cop out — you have an excuse that you offered so you are off the hook.

I will relate one story. When our three-year-old was gravely ill and in the hospital, we used our answering machine to leave updates on her condition. One night our home teachers left a message saying they were sorry they could not visit that month but could we help them and go get their dog out of doggy day care and put it in their back yard. They were running behind coming home from Disneyland. Our answering machine message (they obviously paid no attention to) was, “_____ is having a treatment today that has us scared to death! The doctors say it is quite powerful medicine that carries great risks, but it is the only option we have left. Please pray for her and us today. It's gonna be a long day!"

Totally Agree in Utah

Wow, Totally, that's some story! I can see why you're frustrated.

People, Totally has a point. “Call me if you need anything,” should be banished from our collective vocabulary. Instead, we need to practice saying, “What can I do to help?” In fact, I'm chanting it to myself even as I type. Even if someone is lying battered and bleeding on the pavement, she's not going to “call you if she needs anything.” I don't remember that the Savior ever used that expression; he just pitched in and did what was needed. We all need to practice doing the same.

The Relief Society Presidency in a ward where I previously lived had an ingenious idea. Because we live in such a “hurry up” world, the sisters were having difficulty both giving and receiving visits. They organized us into visit teaching groups of four to five sisters, and we met once a month. We each took a turn planning our group session and message.

This saved huge amounts of time. Instead of arranging to have your teachers come to you, and arranging yourself to get to your sisters, each sister would only have to be in charge of organizing their group once every 4-5 months. Some times we met for lunch, or even breakfast, did small service projects for sisters who were ill, having babies, or surgery. Sometimes we attended a temple session together, and we always discussed the message.

This idea increased our statistics to nearly 100%, which was a huge improvement. Everyone involved loved the new arrangement, and they have never returned to the old way. I think it is time to change the system churchwide.

Somewhere in Salt Lake City

I can see the advantages of having a program like that, Somewhere. It would work great for people like me, who are looking more for social interaction than for a message and a prayer. But I don't see it being adopted churchwide — or even wardwide — because there are a whole lot of women out there who need in-home visits. If I had problems, for example, I wouldn't feel very comfortable sharing them in a group, but I just might telling my visiting teachers — if they asked. And a lot of elderly people need visiting teachers who “deliver,” rather than having to go out to a central location.

I think the big value of your letter is to remind us that we shouldn't be doing all our visiting teaching in a cookie-cutter way. Some people need the lesson-and-the-prayer. Some people need in-home visits. Some people could very well benefit from the group setting you described, though. In fact, that's the way I'm being visit taught now; my visiting teachers go out to lunch with me and another person they visit teach once a month. The four of us sit there and discuss the world's problems, and it's exactly the way I want to be visit taught.

Inspiration is a terrific thing. We can — and should — be asking for inspiration when we teach each person on our route. We may end up doing totally different things as we go from one house to another.

Okay — as promised, we are now going to have the letter where responses will actually be solicited. Such excitement!

Boy, I'm glad I can be anonymous here because I value my membership and am now going to voice my opinion on the delicate subject of being a visiting teacher to a "Do Not Contact." First, in order to become a DNC, it takes the ward leadership many prayers and contacts to finally be convinced that indeed this member no longer wishes contact with us.

In my mind I see the weary member being begged by the leadership, "Would it be ok if a visiting teacher sends you a letter each month, every month, for the rest of your (and her) earthly life?" — and this beleaguered sister thinks she has now found a way to get rid of these well-meaning pests (remember this is anonymous),and quickly nods her head in relief.

Forward eight years later and imagine, if you will, the monthly letter (fill in the blanks):

My question is this: Why can't we respectfully let go of people who don't want contact from us? I finally stopped my fill-in-the-blanks letters and subscribed this sister to the Ensign each month, figuring the message by the First Presidency is way better than my lame attempts. I still send a Christmas and birthday card.

I will be following your column closely to see if any former or current DNCs write in and tell us their thoughts. (FYI, this sister was a new member who quickly got offended by something said or not said — no one is really sure — and the few people left in the ward who even remember her are not interested in being her VT).

From a very anonymous sister in California

Okay, ladies — the challenge has been issued. Very Anonymous and I would both like to hear from former inactives (or even Do Not Contacts) who were brought back to the fold by persistent and/or loving, Christlike visiting teachers. It would be a terrific way to end this thread in a few weeks' time — to have a whole column just of letters telling about people who were on the brink of inactivity (or who were actually going down for the third time), and who were brought back by inspired visiting teachers. If you have a story to tell us, please send it here (meridianmagazine@aol.com ). Put “Success Story” in the subject line so I can retrieve it from the spam box. Very Anonymous and I are hoping to hear from you!

Now we return to our regularly scheduled program. Our next letter is from a home teacher, who has some suggestions that could help home teachers and visiting teachers alike:

Wow!  I am not a visiting teacher and have never had any, and I am not a sister.  But I think the same types of problems and people exist within the home teaching program.  If I were in charge here are some of the things that I would do regardless of whether it was a home teacher or visiting teacher program:

1. Hold regular monthly Personal Priesthood Interviews/Stewardship Interviews with all of the people involved in either program.  I have noticed that when PPIs or stewardship interviews are in effect that things improve and get better.  And ask about the families being visited or the sisters being visited.  And ask about the individual home and
   visiting teacher too.  Too many times in the Church it seems to be all about percentages and numbers, and did you do your duty this month?  I believe in the adage that says that people don't care about how much you know until they know about how much you care!  Also be sure to praise, encourage, motivate, and help them when needed as a presidency. 

2. As a presidency go out periodically with the visiting teacher or home teacher and see how they treat and teach the people that they visit.  Are they prepared, are there areas for improvement, what do they do well, how can you help them as a presidency be even more effective? Are there lessons, workshops, articles that you can present to them to
   make them even more effective?   Do this in a positive and uplifting way!

3. As a presidency, talk with the families in the ward that are being visited by either the home or visiting teacher.  Get feedback from them. Are their needs being met?  Ask them how the home or visiting teacher can be more effective, what are their strengths, and what areas do they need improvement on?  Maybe do anonymous surveys if you don't want to offend others.  Pray about it as a presidency.  People need positive
   feedback so that they can improve. 

4. Structure Sunday lessons, workshops, firesides, sacrament meeting talks, around how to improve as a home and visiting teacher.   Recognize individuals that do a bang-up job as a home or visiting teacher.  Hand out certificates, treats, or something else.  Or recognize all of them at once. People love praise and recognition!

5. Switch people around periodically especially if someone is less effective than others.  If you have companionship problems, then maybe you need to do some transfers and get two people together who like each other.

6. Encourage members to invite their home and visiting teachers over. Too many times we put the blame on poor visiting and teaching percentages when it is also the member's responsibility to invite them over, make them feel welcome, and encourage them.  

7. When I was an Elders Quorum president I would invite in a panel of brothers and sisters into quorum meeting and we would ask them questions about what to them was effective and ineffective home teaching.  Some of the questions and answers were amazing.  Nothing beats honest feedback!

David A. Schory

That's a great list, David! I especially liked your counsel to invite home teachers and visiting teachers over if they aren't taking the initiative themselves. It's a two-way street. If our home teachers and visiting teachers feel welcome, they'll be more likely to make the effort to visit.

First I would like to say that without information there is no inspiration.  This sister needs to contact her visiting teaching supervisor or Relief Society president immediately and let them know how she feels about the sister's visiting in her home and give them a chance to make changes.

Keeping quiet will not help her or the visiting teaching program. Those in her ward who make the visiting teaching assignments can make changes that will help her and her visiting teachers. There is no rule that says you are stuck with visiting teachers who are insensitive or who you do not like or feel uncomfortable with. Some personalities just clash. By moving them around, the Relief Society president may find a perfect fit for those visiting teachers with someone else and a better fit for you.

Second, as a visiting teaching companion I would feel it was my duty to cut off a conversation that was not constructive or was inappropriate. If the other companion feels like she can't control the erring sister, then she should also ask for a new partner and one should be assigned to the erring sister who can gently guide her in how to be a good visiting teacher.

And I too have had visiting teachers leave my home and wondered if they even cared about me since they hardly directed any of the conversation towards me. Again, this is something the visiting teaching supervisor or Relief Society president should be made aware of. It may be time for her ward to have a visiting teaching conference where they go over the appropriate ways to be a visiting teacher.

I try not to take these kinds of things too personally. People are human, many times they are shy going into someone's home they don't know well and compensate by doing all the talking. Usually once they get to know you they become friendlier.

Third, what's wrong with parenting your visiting teachers? Let them know what you want from them. Cut them off if they are inappropriate. Be friendly; ask them questions. Tell them about yourself, even if they don't ask. Show them pictures of your family. Show them projects you are working on. Tell them a funny story about something that happened to you. Make them get to know you. :)   

I really do believe the visiting teaching program is an inspired program. I know that it has changed lives, and some of my visiting teachers are lifelong friends. I even had a miracle happen once with a visiting teacher. I hurt my back and was to stay in bed for two days to see if it would get better before the doctor decided if I needed surgery. I had a newborn baby and a 2- and 4-year-old. My husband could not stay home that day and I had no family available to help me.

I was lying in bed, weeping a little bit and wondering what I was going to do for the day. How was I going to feed, dress and care for the older children? Within minutes of saying a prayer to Heavenly Father to help me, I received a call from one of my visiting teachers. She asked me how I was doing, and I burst into tears and told her my predicament.

Normally I'm a pretty self-sufficient person, and asking for help was a really hard thing for me to do — so that shows you how desperate I was. Well, that sister immediately came over and assessed my needs. We decided that I could lie in bed with my newborn (I was nursing) and she would take the older children until my husband came home. It worked out wonderfully. That happened almost 29 years ago, and I still remember the feeling I had that Heavenly Father knew me and that this sister was so in tune with the spirit that she was able to respond to his prompting.

But I don't believe that visiting teaching is all about miracles. I think it's about making friends and being a friend. It's about unity. Sisters who don't like visiting teachers or don't want to be a visiting teacher don't really "get" it. Maybe there needs to be some new emphasis in the Church on, not just why we do visiting teaching, but how to do it correctly.

Valerie S
Salt Lake City, Utah

Thanks for writing, Valerie. I loved your story. That's what visiting teaching is all about, isn't it? But I also liked your counsel that visiting teaching companions can — and should — rein in companions who are being insensitive to a visiting teachee. We shouldn't sit there like bumps on logs, but steer the conversation in a more appropriate direction — even if it takes a cattle prod.

I liked your comment, too, about unity being the bottom line. Your letter made me want to run right out and do my visiting teaching!

Here is my opinion: I have been a ward Relief Society president and member of a stake Relief Society presidency. My husband has been a bishop and member of the stake presidency. My point is I am no stranger to the gospel, and I have truly witnessed how visiting teaching has blessed the lives of many sisters.

That said, I personally would like to see visiting teaching becoming an option for active members. I would like to feel guilt-free if some months I simply do not have the time to have visiting teachers (mine are the most faithful ever — they insist on coming) come to my home.

I am more than happy to get a note or phone call. It seems as though it is just one more thing I have to make time for. As a busy mom and grandmother I am perfectly capable of reading the message. Last time I suggested to a Relief Society president that she assign someone who never goes visiting teaching to me so the good visiting teachers can go to sisters who really want and need to be taught, I was banished to the Do Not Contact/letter only group. (I had to laugh — my husband was in the stake presidency at the time.) I think ideally we could be asked, “Do you need or want a visit every month?” Then an assigned sister could just check in occasionally and see if everything is okay. So I have said my piece — are you all just shocked beyond words? I am waiting for lightning to strike. I really am not anti-social — just busy.

Nameless

You didn't shock me, Nameless. Former Relief Society presidents and wives of former stake presidency members are people, too, and we're all at different places in our lives. Some of us need or want visits, and some of us don't.

It all comes down to inspiration. We should be giving our ladies what they need, not what's convenient for us to give. If visiting teachers are doing their job through inspiration, there will be far fewer lightning strikes and many happier visiting teachees.

Read on for a letter that emphasizes my point.

None of the Latter-day Saints I know are perfect.  We all make mistakes.  We all make assumptions.  One assumption that we often make as sisters is that others who have been called to positions know what they are doing, especially visiting teachers. 

Do you always know what you are doing every time that you visit teach?  Wouldn't you like a break from trying to be perfect?  Do you always know what to say, especially when the sisters you visit just sit there and wait for a lesson, or for the visit to be over? 

We have control in our own homes.  When our visiting teachers come, we can inform them if we have needs without them asking.  We can invite them to come over when it is convenient for us.  We set the tone on our own home.  We only are responsible for what happens in our homes.  If our visiting teacher offends us, or we can't "deal" with her personality or mistakes, we can take steps to change that.

However, we are all children of our Heavenly Father, and he loves our visiting teachers as much as he loves us.  We should do what is spiritually uplifting in our homes, with love and patience for our visiting sisters as well as for ourselves.  Think about what Jesus would do.  Make a good visit out of every visit to your home.  People are all going to remain imperfect and make mistakes, even visiting teachers in the homes of those to whom they have been called to be of support.  It is our "job" to be forgiving, kindly let the visiting teachers know when we have been offended, or when we could use their service, and make sure we are a good sister to visit.

Visiting teaching and friendship are a both two way relationships.  We must do our part as well.  If your are truly active in the Church and love your neighbor as yourself, visiting teachers will never be a problem.

A Visiting Teaching Leader from Washington State

Great points, Washington! I liked your letter so much I read it twice. Our visiting teachers are not mind-readers. Let them know what we need, and we'll have a better chance of having our needs filled. If we have visiting teachers who are clueless by choice, we have the option of asking for a new assignment.

I have never been a Relief Society president but I have been a visiting teacher for about 40 years.
 
I feel the sisters who gave such negative feelings to this sister must not have prayed before going to visit her, as we are all asked to do. When we have the Lord's spirit with us we are much more likely to concentrate on the needs of the sister we are visiting. Having a positive attitude takes practice but it is something we can all have.

Lois from California

Your letter was short but sweet, Lois. How many of us actually pray before going to each home on our route — even if we're visiting four in one day? Prayer helps. All too often we let this valuable asset go unused. Thanks for the reminder!

Your timing is perfect!  Your title, "Surviving Your Visiting Teachers," sums it up.  I'm giving up!  I don't want to make a scene by requesting no one visit, so I've decided that next time they call I will just ask that it be a "phone visit" — then cut it short with an excuse.  I've had it!

I've had every negative experience you could list (and I could fill a book!).  I tell myself that for an hour I can be a good saint and endure, but it takes days to recover. I simply do not think it's necessary to repeatedly put myself in the position to be abused.  I want to love them, and I can't under this abuse.

I'm a nice person, always upbeat, always kind.  I never complain.  I'm clean, polite, and follow all gospel principles. 

I've had a half dozen visiting teachers over the years who either find it a miserable obligation to have to go visiting teaching (and show it). I even had a sister bring all of her children when I was sick and line them up to watch me vomit for over a half hour until I begged her to take the children away, stating it was inappropriate. (I assume she felt she was "being there for me.") 

I love children, but some visiting teachers think their visits are a such a great gift to me that they can allow their children to tear my house apart. I've had to re-hang my curtains eight times alone; my kitchen cabinets are broken; every small item in my living room has been destroyed.  Some visiting teachers find it their "mission" to interrogate me about every detail of my personal life until I feel like a prisoner of war being tortured.  

My last visit, they called to see if I was home to visit and because they got my answer phone, they called back three times in the hour and then rushed out saying they thought something had happened to me.  (Now remember, these are people who only call once a month.) 

And then there is the visiting teaching message. I read the Ensign (and always read the visiting teaching message in advance), the “Church News,” watch BYU devotionals and firesides daily, and do my scripture study.  But my visiting teacher "instructs” me as if I have no concept of what she is saying. 

I think visiting teaching is a wonderful idea to network the sisters together.  I have suffered in silence, thinking I was the only one who was miserable.  Thank you so very much for letting us write in.

Loving Sister

My dear, you have the patience of Job. I thought I'd seen everything, but I've never had an audience line up and watch me heave.

Sometimes all you can do is laugh. I hope you reach the point (if you haven't already) where you can laugh about these horror stories, even as you call your Relief Society president and ask for a reprieve.

My dilemma is the reverse of the sister who wrote in.  I visit teach a sister who is incredibly toxic and negative.  Every time I go, she dumps on me about everything — her husband, her kids, their school, people she works with. The list never ends.  I feel so drained of the spirit when I leave, I want to run away. No matter how upbeat and encouraging I try to be, the visit always turns into a vile rant session. 

I know her well and love her; she is a good person.  She has had a hard life and can't seem to let go of all the pain, anger and frustration she feels.  I just keep hoping that something I can say or do will help, but I honestly think part of it is just her habit of being negative.  She gets energy from complaining and being mad at the world.  It gives her something to think about.

I guess my point is that I know I can use more time on our knees, asking for guidance on how to help others and help to repent myself and let go of past offenses, get over myself and move on .  I know that the ultimate place of peace is with the Holy Spirit, trusting in Jesus Christ, whose atonement will heal all wounds somewhere in eternity, but hopefully sooner!

Before I served my mission, I had a very wise returned sister missionary give me some counsel; she said, "Maybe the soul need to save is your own, or a companion or another missionary or member.  It isn't just investigators you are out there to help."  I never forgot that, and applies everywhere in life.  So instead of thinking about how much I dislike the spirit in this sister's home, or the negativity a visiting teacher may bring, I can see it as an opportunity to serve regardless of the assignment.

Another idea might be to discreetly discuss the situation with the visiting teaching supervisor or Relief Society president and come up with ways to suggest guidelines or lessons directed at all the sisters in the ward about what is appropriate and what is not when visiting teaching.

A sister in the Northwest

Northwest, you are a wise woman. You are being a friend to someone who has probably driven everyone else away. Of all the women on your visiting teaching route, she probably needs friends the most. Thanks for taking an assignment that few women would take.

I really like what the returned missionary told you before your mission. It's so true — we never know whom we're actually serving when we go about the daily tasks of life. It could be someone in the household of someone you visit teach, or your companion, or yourself. We should all remember this. We are all so interconnected that there's never just one reason for our actions, or one benefit that can be reaped from a single good deed.

Finally, today, we're ending on a happy note. A reader has sent in a note to tell about her good experience with visiting teachers during a time of trial in her life. Here is what she had to say:

I would like to tell you about the wonderful visiting teachers I have had.  My daughter-in-law recently passed away from cancer and left a nine-day-old preemie, a three-year-old and a five-year-old, and our son — who had just finished law school and was studying for the bar exam. Our son and his family were living with us at the time. 

My visiting teachers brought dinner several times a week for weeks and weeks and weeks and months (as well as a lot of the other sisters in the ward). One day they just dropped by and I was trying to get the kitchen floor mopped, but I was just sitting holding the baby sobbing. They came in and just took over and finished all my work.

One of my visiting teachers was in great pain waiting to have hip replacement surgery, but it didn't stop her from being there, helping me and bringing food. They would just have a feeling that they needed to come by and they were so very helpful, I don't know how I could have handled the situation without them  They are now two of my dearest friends.

A Reader from Houston, Texas

Thanks for an inspirational story, Texas. I'm sorry about your family's troubles, but grateful that you took the time to write. You have inspired a lot of people today.

That's it for this week. Stay tuned next week for more on visiting teaching. And please don't write in unless you are a former inactive (or even a Do Not Contact) who was brought back to the fold by persistent and/or loving, Christlike visiting teachers. It's not that we don't want to hear from you, but we've got enough letters about visiting teaching to last until Christmas.

Until next week — Kathy

“Great minds have purposes. Others have wishes.”

Washington Irving