M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

The Ups and Downs of Visiting Teaching
By Kathryn H. Kidd

Boy, did the floodgates open with the letter from the visiting teachee whose visiting teachers were unkind and insensitive to her! It seems that because women have a succession of visiting teachers all our lives, most of us have had some bad experiences peppered in with the good ones. I’m happy to say that most of us have taken visiting teaching lemons and made lemonade out of them.

We’re going to be running these letters for weeks, and a lot of them are going to sing the same refrain — but this is a refrain that needs to be repeated, because it’s up to us to decide what we do in a bad situation.

Here we go, readers — and thanks to all of you who have written in so far.

I have had the same experiences with visiting teachers plus one more. I am chronically ill, so that open up an entirely new can of worms — being chastised for not being at church every week, for one. I have fluctuated between being hurt, being frustrated, and making the call to stop them from coming over at all.

The big things I have learned through all of this are how to be a better and more sensitive visiting teacher, myself, and that regardless of what anyone else thinks, says, or does, I am still a beloved child of God and the gospel is still true.

In the end, I can only control me and how I choose to react. So, I choose to react in as Christ-like a manner as I can in my imperfect state. I try to show them extra love and patience, and remind myself that I am not perfect either.

In an especially trying situation I went directly to the RS president — not to avoid the chain of command, per se, but to protect the sister involved from potential gossip (which is more likely with multiple people knowing the situation). I asked for advice and a change of visiting teachers, if that is what seemed best. The situation was prayerfully resolved.

We have the right to not allow others to bring a bad feeling into our home — and we have a responsibility to be kind and patient with one another.

An Imperfect Sister

What a great way to start this topic, Imperfect! As Elder Bednar so wisely told us in conference (“And Nothing Shall Offend Them”), we may not be able to choose how others treat us, but we have the power to choose to be offended or to turn the other cheek.

Hi! I've never heard of Circle of Sisters before, and am glad I kind of ran into it. I'm Dutch and have been living in Germany for four years now, just across the border from Holland.

I guess I've known visiting teachers for most of my life. When my mom was getting the visits, I used to sit in and listen as a child and teenager. When I was inactive for almost 18 years, I did know a period in which I received visiting teachers. Although I resisted my own feeling that the sisters were probably doing it to get me back in, I did enjoy the company of the sisters. We had good times. It was not so much that what they talked about (religiously) was important to me; just the fact that we connected made me look forward to their monthly visits. I had a very busy job at the time and allowed myself this time out as a special treat!

Ever since I was reactivated (three years ago) I was a visiting teacher for other sisters and had some come over to visit with me. I didn’t get my own visiting teachers as often as I went to deliver the message, but it never bothered me.

I have never had bad visiting teachers, but do know the phenomenon of visiting teachers that talk a lot about themselves. I guess they need it and somehow I always learned something from them. But at times this can really wear you out also, I know.

Currently I am serving as the Relief Society president in our small branch. We had to change the whole schedule because one sister was allowed to go on a combined home teaching/visiting teaching with her husband. Apart from that particular couple, I think visiting teaching is going really well in our branch. I bring three visits and receive my own and each time the message takes on another direction. One time we put the message into action and helped a sister out cleaning her house. This brought her so much peace of mind, she cried during testimony meeting while telling about it.

The bottom line I think we need to remember it is about receiving and giving. When you visit, you give. What you give should be a happy-fying experience for the receiver. It is a wonderful opportunity to show love and appreciation and offer emotional support (like a shoulder to lean on) and practical help (serving in whatever way). When visiting teaching brings both the receiver and the givers a happy feeling, a feeling that they shared the Spirit in their midst, I think the mission is accomplished really well.

Also important to note is that visiting teaching is not about figures; it is about needs — the needs of the sister you visit and want to give to. So if a sister needs more than one visit, be willing to give her more. Phone calls, emails, and postcards can really make one's day and it they take a small amount of time, where they show a generous amount of love.

We are sisters — eternal sisters. I bet there are sisters that have relatives and earthly sisters that are not (yet, anyway) members of the Church. But our eternal sisters are already part of an eternal relationship — if you value it that way.

Grace from Germany

I’m glad you discovered us, Grace. Thanks for reminding us that visiting teaching is a giving and receiving experience. If our visiting teachers aren’t giving to us, we can give to the people we visit teach.

The golden rule really does come into play here; if we treat others as we want to be treated, everyone will be better off. Even if the way you treat the people you visit teach doesn’t affect the way your visiting teachers treat you, you’ll be happier because your focus will be on the people you serve. Giving service is always a win-win situation.

By the way, you may want to keep an open mind about the situation of having a Relief Society member be a home teacher/visiting teacher. Having been a home teacher myself for more than twenty years, I have seen many circumstances where a husband-wife team can make inroads that two women visiting together or two men visiting together can’t. Single women or inactives who may be intimidated by two men in suits may feel a lot less threatened when they are visited by a husband and wife, for example. Instead of thinking of the Relief Society member who home teaches as an annoying exception to the norm, you may start to think of her as a secret weapon.

Read on for a different perspective on how to help visiting teachers succeed:

I have had all kinds of visiting teachers too. I see the assignment as a two-way street. It is all our responsibilities to see that the task is accomplished. I need to be helpful as much as I can be. So do they. Unfortunately, we are all on different places along the way. A perspective that allows for differing needs is helpful for both sides of the relationship. When we prayerfully seek to bless their lives, the sisters to whom we are assigned will be blessed.

I had one set of visiting teachers who were determined to fulfill their task. We had met together a few times, not every month, and they had sent a card when we couldn't get together. One month they were determined to see me on the only day that they had free that week. It was the day I went back to bed to catch a nap. They hadn't received a response back when they called to set up the appointment, and actually my schedule had been full. Time for my nap appeared when something cancelled.

I will never know if the message they brought was what I needed more than the nap that I surely did. I met them at the door sleepy and suggested that it wasn't a good time. Looking back, I see that their hearts were in the right place and were doing all they could do to fulfill their assignment even though it didn't work for me. I know they felt bad and I believe that it was the last time they tried to see me before the assignment was changed.

There are times when the challenges in our lives are so difficult that only our trusted friends are the ones that we reach out to. I guess looking back, my trusted friends were still available and I would have lost nothing by allowing those sisters to help me. Compassionate understanding requires that they were being the best visiting teachers they could be under their own challenges. I wonder how the story might have been different if I had allowed them to serve me.

Bambi Patrick
Minneapolis, Minnesota

What a great letter, Bambi! Part of sustaining people in their callings is the act of helping them do the tasks they are called upon to do. Although it’s hard to see the other person’s perspective when you have been awakened from sleep, there could have been a reason besides statistics why your visiting teachers were so determined to see you that month. Thanks for pointing that out.

Nearly 15 years ago I was very pregnant, with an active toddler and a husband who travels with no family coming to help. I barely unpacked when I went into labor. I called my visiting teachers to let them know. My worry was what was going to happen if my baby was born while my husband was away.

Not only did the sister I talked to not ask what, if anything she could do, but when I asked if she could handle the schedule for meals after the baby was born, her unfortunate response to me was, “You have known about this for nine months; you should have frozen ahead.”

I am not sure what was going on in the life of this sister, but obviously it must have been stressful. She said, “I don’t have time to even make one phone call for you. Since you are lying around, you can make your calls, but I could bring you some soup on Friday” (it was a Monday). I can remember the feelings of utter abandonment.

I vowed I would never let another sister feel that way. Having negative experiences with visiting teachers in the past has taught me what not to do as much as what to do. I promised myself I would never make one of my sisters have to beg for help, and I am earnestly striving to keep that promise. I am certainly not perfect and I don’t know what was going on in my sister’s life so I have since forgiven her, but I have never forgotten the lesson she taught.

A sister from Tennessee

I really like the way you took a bad situation and used it to teach you to be better, Tennessee. Instead of dwelling on the injustices of life, we should all adopt your perspective on things! We can always learn from bad experiences — whether we had those bad experiences inflicted on us, or whether we thoughtlessly inflicted them on others. Thanks for reminding us how to deal with adversity in a positive manner.

Read on to see what difference a good visiting teacher can make:

Since I was a child, my mom had wonderful visiting teachers. They were thoughtful and caring to my mom, who was a mother of ten children. For years after I was married and moved away, my mom was inactive. Through the years her visiting teachers comforted, encouraged and stayed with her. My mom became active, went to the temple, and taught classes.

My mother was an excellent visiting teacher. She had a lady she couldn't ever get at home, so she called her at work and brought a bag lunch to her office to visit. Sometimes she got all her ladies together and brought a picnic lunch and them to the park. My mother truly loved the ladies she visited, particularly if one appeared to have more than her share of misfortune. She was diligent and compassionate. She had been there and knew how much it was needed. I firmly believe it was needed as much by her as them.

VT in Florida

Thanks for pointing out, VT, that performing service for someone else helps the person who gives the service as much as the one who receives it. It’s a reminder we need often!

I wonder if the visiting teachers today pray and go over the lesson before going to the sisters' homes? I learned that as a young convert many years ago. I also learned to keep the visit to 15 minutes and have a prayer with the sister before we left.

I think we have forgotten we visit to see if there is a need in that home that we might help with. Are we really in tune with the spirit? We should focus on the sister and her family and their needs and not talk about ourselves.

I was disenchanted with visiting teaching for awhile. After our ward split, I had a visit one time, and then none for many years. Wow! I felt bad. I was always active, even though I felt like an outsider. To make matters worse, my own companion decided I was too busy to go on visits with her and did them on her own. I felt unloved and useless on two counts.

I am happy to say I have had dedicated visiting teachers the past couple years and we have developed a friendship that allows me to call them in my time of need. It is hard to do that when every couple months your teachers are changed.

If you are not happy with your VT, call the RS president and tell her who you want, if you know someone that would meet your needs. It is hard to come out of our comfort zone sometimes.

Been There, Georgia

Thanks, Been There, for reminding us that if there’s an incompatibility with your visiting teachers, we can always ask the Relief Society president to be reassigned. She may not be able to give us who we want — but she also may be inspired to give us the visiting teachers we need.

Your letter was also helpful because it showed that visiting teachers should not assume their companions are too busy to perform their callings. If you take it upon yourself to do your companion a favor and visit teach without her, you may be helping her — or you may be doing her a disservice by depriving her of the experience. Talk to her for her input before you take things for granted and act alone.

Read on for some terrific advice from a Michigan reader:

One BIG, BIG, BIG (get the hint?) suggestion I have is to take the lead of the sister being visited. Some sisters want a monthly visit, in dress and pantyhose (truly) and the lesson delivered. Other sisters, overwhelmed by their lives, would love hands to come ready to serve. I’ve folded many a basket of laundry, washed dishes, swept the floor, calmed a crying baby, and done other things while visiting and discussing the lesson.

Some sisters are so lonely that they ache for human contact and need a weekly phone call from each visiting teacher (and how easy is that with cell phones so widely owned now?). Currently I’m in school for a second master's degree. I have three busy, busy boys left at home and a husband who goes to Japan for three weeks at a time once every three months. I have a visiting teacher who is so focused on making a monthly in-home visit (no, a phone call will not do!) that she totally misses the point of visiting teaching! I have had her nag me into a "15 minute" visit the day before a difficult exam on more than one occasion. Of course the visit turns into an hour, and my precious, very limited, quiet study time when the kids are in school is eaten up. On two occasions I have nearly begged her not to come so that I could study, but she just doesn't hear.

One time I spoke with her companion and explained that the greatest service that they could offer me would be to let me study and not visit that month — that our phone conversation was quite adequate. She graciously respected my wishes. I have even jokingly asked my Relief Society president to assign me to sisters who flat out refuse to visit. I know that this is an extreme example, but is illustrative of so many who want to do the "right" thing by following the letter of the law and then miss the spirit of the law. When we follow the lead that a sister gives, we can truly meet her needs and, in that way, visiting teaching can be a true blessing to all involved.

Drowning in Good Intentions
Michigan

I can’t tell you how important your letter was, Drowning. The whole key to being a good visiting teacher is to give your visiting teachees what they need — even if that means your visiting teaching procedure is completely different for everyone on your route.

I remember many years ago when I moved across the country to a ward where I knew nobody. It was not a friendly ward at the time, my husband was working twelve-hour days, and I was trapped at home by myself. I desperately needed a friend.

What I got was a pair of visiting teachers who had a formula — a lesson and a prayer, all in fifteen minutes. I’d open the door, they’d sit down, one would read the lesson word for word from the Ensign, the other would say the prayer, and off they’d go.

Finally one month I could stand it no longer. As they sat on the sofa, I said, “Thank you for coming, but I have something I need to say. I don’t need the lesson and the prayer. I can read the Ensign on my own, and I pray a whole lot by myself. What I do need is a friend. Can you be my friends?”

It was as though I hadn’t even opened my mouth. The one visiting teacher read the lesson, the other gave the prayer, and off they went. They didn’t acknowledge that I’d said anything — to the point that my need for friends wasn’t even addressed in the prayer.

These visiting teachers were lovely ladies, but they were clueless. I decided then and there that when I was given a visiting teaching route, I was going make friendship with the women on my route my first priority. I hope that when the people I home teach/visit teach need a favor, I’m the first person they call. That’s the gift I received from my lovely but clueless visiting teachers.

Although I don’t focus on the lesson and the prayer, read on for someone who has had great success with the prayer part of the equation:

I'm glad to see this topic come up. One thing that I always do when visiting others homes is to leave with a prayer. More often than not, I hear, "WOW! No one has ever offered to pray when they've visited me before!"

Uniting in prayer before the Lord and asking for his blessing upon that sister and her home also unites hearts and offers sincerity to the visit. Sometimes, I've had sisters where that is probably the only prayer that they participate in, and it really brings the spirit in.

Mindy in Arizona

Thanks for the advice, Mindy. I’ve been concentrating so much on the friend part that it never occurred to me that some of my women might need the prayer as well. We really do need to determine what our women actually need, rather than what we assume they’ll need. I might need to clean up my act!

I feel sick that this sister has had such horrible visiting teachers! Visiting teachers have no right to degrade people or parent them. Our calling is not to put our sisters down, but to lift them up.

When we go to visit our sisters, we're doing it on behalf of the Lord and we need to remember that. We're not there to talk about ourselves, judge how our sister’s house looks, and so forth. We're there out of love and we need to remember that.

The spirit we bring with us to our sisters' homes will influence them for good or bad. Visiting teaching shouldn't be looked at as a chore, but something that Heavenly Father as has asked us to do. In serving our fellow sisters, we need to strive to do all we can to be there for them.

I've had both horrible and good sisters, and the horrible ones can definitely ruin one's approach to visiting teaching. On the other hand, the good ones have made all the difference in the world.

A sister in Austin, Texas

You’re right Austin — the good visiting teachers make all the difference in the world. The challenge is to be a good one, and your reminder to lift up the people we visit teach is invaluable.

Read on for an interesting perspective:

Yes, sometimes we need to learn how to be a good visitor in someone's home. I think that "teaching" good manners to visiting teachers is as important as teaching teachers how to teach — which the church leaders address periodically and very effectively. Individual personalities and behaviors are hard to control, but I think it is possible to get the message out that it is a privilege to be invited into someone's home. Understanding this privilege promotes sensitivity and care in visiting another and being a guest with a desire to serve and care, not intrude or parent. This attitude must be taught by the leadership if it is not inherent in the behavior of the sisters.

Edna Snow
Sumner, Washington

Thanks for writing, Edna. In all the visiting teaching seminars I’ve attended, I’ve never heard anyone mention good manners for visiting teaching. It’s a good concept. Somebody should write a “Ten Commandments for Visiting Teachers.” I’ll bet that’s one email that would make the rounds!

I also like your reminder that it’s a privilege to be invited into someone’s home, and we should be careful not to abuse that.

Many years ago, in California, when I had three small children under the age of four, I was given an older sister who did not drive as a partner. She would call me and demand that we go on a certain day and time that were convenient for her. When I would try to politely tell her that it was not convenient for me she would just insist that we had to go then.

Because I was young and did not want to be rude to her, I would always say okay — no matter how hard it was to comply with her wishes. I had to get all the little ones up at 6AM to drive my husband to work so I could keep the car that day. I also had to put them all in the car to go pick him up at night. I also had to find a baby sitter for the three-year-old and the 18-month-old (I took the little baby with me).

Now I want you to know that I loved visiting the sisters we went to, but it was not always easy. One sister lived where there was no parking nearby so I would have to drive close by and let my partner out and then I would have to go find a place to park the car and carry my baby to the house where we were to teach. When we were all finished I would drive my partner back to her home, which was quite a ways from where I lived and she would never even say thanks for the ride. I just figured it was because she was elderly.

After several years of being her partner I moved to a different neighborhood and the partners were changed around. I attended a Relief Society stake meeting and they gave this sister a special award at that meeting. It seemed that she had never missed a month doing her visiting teaching in several years.

They had her give a talk on the glories of always getting your visiting teaching done on time. She never once mentioned that she did not drive and that someone else always had to drive her around. Needless to say, I was not very impressed with her award or her talk.

No, I have not written this as a total gripe — but you can likely perceive that it has stuck in my craw for all these years. Maybe now that I have written it and sent it in to you I can forget my bitter feelings and laugh a bit about it, because it does not seem quite so maddening as it did some 50 years ago.

The real thing I want to say is now whenever my visiting teaching partner calls and says, "When are we going to do our teaching?" I always say, "Whenever it is convenient for you." If she drives I always say, "Thanks for driving today."

I also let the sister we are teaching talk a little if she seems to need to. In that old time I just told you about the partner made me do the lesson half of the places we went to and she did them the rest, but we had to get going immediately after the lesson was given — no visiting and no listening to the sisters’ needs. Sometimes the most important part of the visit is letting the sister know you sincerely care about her and her needs.

Older and Wiser Now

I’m glad you’re able to laugh about the situation now, Wiser, but you were a candidate for sainthood all those many years ago. If your partner was elderly then, she has undoubtedly gone on to her just reward by now. I would imagine that when she saw the movie of her life, and what you had to accommodate her demands, there was a lot of wincing going on Upstairs.

Of course, I trust that you weren’t the one who sent her to her just reward. It must have been a temptation!

Our last letter today comes from a reader who spends a lot of time thinking about visiting teaching:

I am a Relief Society president, and so visiting teaching is on my mind a lot. The most common complaint I get is that my visiting teachers don't come. I also can relate to the ones that come and talk all about themselves.

I would advise this sister to have a loving gentle talk with her visiting teachers and tell them what her needs are concerning the visits. She could say, “Sisters, I am so happy to have visiting teachers. This is what I need: a message, inquiry of how I am doing, and so on.” It may not work, but has potential for being the start of a better situation.

Also, pray for those sisters. The Lord can bring miracles to us when we ask. And, have an interview with a counselor in the presidency you feel comfortable with. She will know how to express your concerns without telling all to your visiting teachers.

Our church is a hospital for spiritually sick people. That is why they call them wards! Good luck on this one, one and all!

Jeannie in Missouri

Jeannie, I loved the way you ended today’s column with a laugh. In fact, I liked it so much that it’s going to be our quote for the day!

Thanks to all of you for writing, and look for more letters on visiting teaching next week. If you'd like to write in, send your thoughts to meridianmagazine@aol.com. Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam. And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan,” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

Our church is a hospital for spiritually sick people. That is why they call them wards!

Jeannie in Missouri

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