We still have bunches of letters from people who want to help Primary teachers who have students who are disrupting their Primary classes. The fact that there's so much participation in this topic tells me there are children in every Primary who are causing problems for their teachers — but whose disruptive behavior may signal that they are having difficulties of their own. Here is what today's batch of letters had to say:

I was in Primary many, many years. We had one child that was not ADHD or ADD — he was just rowdy. He always gave ridiculous answers to any question. He drew horrible pictures of death, blood, and so on. He was rude and hateful. He was difficult to love.

After much prayer and fasting, we the Primary Presidency decided he needed his “own” teacher. We didn't want to single him out, so we put another child In his class. We really prayed about the teacher for these two boys. The teacher was one that we knew would put extra time and effort into the lesson. She would have handouts and special things for them. We knew she had tons of love to give.

We didn't make a big deal of it. We didn't discuss it with the parents. We just made the “new” class. We did inform the new teacher of her “special” assignment. Amazingly, this young boy changed. Prior to putting him in his own special class we had a Sharing Time about things we were thankful for. He was thankful for a toilet. I always tried to turn things around on him and this time I explained how grateful I was for indoor toilets, too. Sometimes this was discourage him a little and other times it made him worse.

After several weeks in the new class once again Sharing Time was about being thankful. When ask what we are thankful for, he raised his hand (a major improvement) and said, “I am thankful for life. I am thankful for my Primary teacher. I love her,” and he continued.

At this point all teachers in the room were in tears. Our prayers were heard and answered. I believe he needed the attention and the extra love. I'm not sure why because he came from a wonderful, loving family. Sometimes it is hard to know what a child needs without divine direction from our Heavenly Father.

LeAnn Lash
Florence, Alabama

What a beautiful story, LeAnn! At the beginning it sounded as though the little boy was a hopeless case, but he turned around so quickly that your experience is going to give hope to a lot of people. Thanks for showing what the power of love can do!

Readers, LeAnn was so excited about the subject that she sent a second letter with a second idea. Here it is:

We did something else to help in our Primary once.  We had a very active group, with a few that were extra active and caused a lot of problems for the entire Primary during Sharing Time and opening exercises.  Our reverence was at an all time low. 

I was the president and had just purchased a Chicken Soup for the Soul book.  I loved the short uplifting stories.  Many were about teachers and the impact they had on children. 

I went to the bishopric member over Primary and asked if we could use the 10 minutes between sacrament meeting and Primary to have a prayer meeting.  We were given permission.  I met all the teachers in a classroom, and the counselors and music people met the children in the Primary room.  They sang a few reverent songs then sent the children to their classrooms.  In our prayer meeting, which lasted less than 10 minutes, we had an opening prayer; then I read or told one of the stories from the book.  Then we had a closing prayer. 

It was always very spiritual.  The teachers went to class with the spirit.  I believe it made a real difference how they taught and even prepared for their class. The children had a few minutes to calm down prior to class. 

It wasn't long at all when the reverence in our Primary was near perfect.  We had such a wonderful, sweet spirit at all times.  My thinking in the beginning was that as parents teaching in Primary we sometimes has a rough time in sacrament meeting with our own children.  We disciplined them and got aggravated during sacrament meeting, and then we rushed down the hall to tackle a classroom of children.  I thought if we could help the teachers experience a brief few moments of the spirit it would help them to relax and feel the spirit and then carry that sweet spirit to the classroom.  It worked for us!

LeAnn Lash
Florence, Alabama

That's the ticket, LeAnn — love and prayer. Thanks for showing the importance of both. Now read on for another reader's perspective:

First, stop the labels.  This child is living up to his "bad" label.  It is especially important that the other children understand that labeling this child will not be accepted. 

When you are working out a behavioral modification plan, it is important to find something that the child, his parents, and the Primary leadership all agree on.  It may take many forms, but all should include lots and lots of positive support and feedback. 

If you are familiar with clinical active children, you probably have some good ideas about making the classroom more active and movement friendly.  It will take a while to change any pattern of behavior that has been reinforced over the years with this negative response but it can be done.  We are changing behaviors and lives here in Washington, where I have the assignment to work directly with the special needs children in our Primary. 

Anonymous

Thanks for reminding us, Anonymous, that labeling a child often causes him to live up to — or live down to — the label. That was an important point!

I understand the frustration that comes with trying to fulfill a Primary calling to the best of your ability when you are hampered by disruptive behavior.  Although I do not presently teach in the Primary I have in the past, and before I started my family I also worked with at-risk, learning- and behavior-disabled students.  I claim to be no expert, and each child is very different and in turn might require different needs.  Discovering which needs your particular child requires may take some time and creativity as you get to know the child better. 

First I suggest speaking with the Primary presidency, because the writer hinted that they knew of the existing problem with this child.  Ask them if they know of anything that will help in dealing with this child.  Also, I would discuss meeting with the parents through the presidency first to see if this would be okay.  Some children and parents might be sensitive and very defensive if care is not taken in this area.  You don't want anyone to feel as though they are being singled out or attacked. 

To make this a better situation for everyone involved you might ask parents of each student in the class to take a turn participating in the class to observe and help out.  That way no student is singled out, parents can observe directly what goes on in the class, and there is another authoritative figure to step in when things get out of line.  Inviting the bishopric or member of the Primary presidency to pay a visit might encourage better behavior as well.

Second, I noticed that when I gave problem students certain responsibilities or something that they were in charge of, it seemed to help them focus on that duty rather than stirring up mischief. It also lets them know that they are important and needed. I would assign a scripture or put them in charge of handing out things to the class or being in charge of returning or picking up something from the library.  It could be something as simple as holding up pictures for the class or giving a reading assignment.

Third, I thought the play dough idea was great, but unfortunately backfired.  Maybe you could find out something that he is interested in or that pertains directly to him that would hold his attention.  I had my students fill out spotlight sheets about themselves (or you can call the parents) and shared one each week.  The kids were excited to guess who it was and it made the spotlighted child feel special. It also allowed everyone to get to know each other better.  You might learn something about the problem child that could help you relate to him better, too.  

Also, some children need different things to reach them — tactile, visual, auditory, or something else.  You could try having him work on coloring a picture that pertains to the lesson, for example. In one of the classrooms that I worked in, the teacher always had a puzzle the kids could work on while listening to the teacher read or give instruction.  It kept their hands busy and focused, but not disruptive.  I'm sure you could find church-approved puzzles or make one of your own. 

When the puzzle was finished the teacher mod-podged the puzzle and  held a drawing to give it to one of the students.  The last part might prove a little difficult in a Primary class, but you get the idea. 

You might also find music to be a great way to start off the class and bring in the spirit by playing a song before or during class.  You could also have the children sing along.

Fourth, sometimes it's best to reward the good behavior rather than punish or point out the bad.  I'm against bringing treats every week to bribe the kids, but once in a while doesn't hurt.  Also, you could use different rewards such as time after the lesson to play a game or to go for a walk if that's acceptable.  A change of atmosphere or a chance to move around works really well for kids that have a hard time sitting for very long and focusing on one thing continuously. 

Sending a child to get a drink of water, sharpen a pencil, or run an errand to the library for example might be all it takes.  You could also allow a limited time for each of the students to share something they want to talk about that doesn't necessarily pertain to the lesson, just to get it out of their system so they don't disrupt during the lesson.

I hope some of these suggestions might help.  It will probably take some time, creativity, and a lot of patience.  Good luck, I've been there.

Jennifer Fox
Lehi, Utah

I had to smile when I read the part about the puzzle keeping “their hands busy and focused, but not disruptive,” Jennifer. I've always thought that crafts in Enrichment meeting performed the same function of keeping people's hands busy and making them feel productive while they visited with each other. I'm a strong proponent of crafts for just that reason — and if it works for mothers, it can certainly work for their children too.

As a teacher by profession and a former Primary teacher and Primary president, I can tell you that this child is beyond the scope of one teacher dealing with him.  You alone can not help him with his behavior and also teach the class; you need help from another adult in the classroom.  I have looked at your letter a couple of times, but I don't see where you mention the age of this child.  If he is older than six years, he needs professional help and his parents are probably hearing from his schoolteachers. You and the Primary presidency would be wise to consult with them on any suggestions they have been given by the school to help him.

If he is under six, the following is what our ward Primary did for a similar type situation.  A young boy who came in at age three is now age six and able to get through Primary most weeks in his regular class, and this is the process that we used.

Love and kindness are the order of the day with these children, but they have what I used to call “a misfiring” in their brain.  They really can't see what is wrong with their behavior.  They can't control their impulse behavior, which is a classic symptom of ADHD/HAD.  These children need loving constant reminders of what is appropriate behavior, and one person in a Primary class can't teach 4-5 other children and help the ADHD/HAD child.  He needs one-on-one help and you need him to have it so you can focus on the total class because the other children deserve the opportunity to feel the Spirit in your classroom.

My heart goes out to you and him and his parents.

KR — from Zion (because I would not want to hurt his parents' feelings)

Thanks for writing, KR — and I really appreciate your anonymity in order to spare the feelings of the parents. It shows you're compassionate to the parents as well as to the child, and I suspect there are many parents who would appreciate that sort of compassion from Primary teachers who are frustrated with their children.

I once taught a Primary class that I think collectively had ADHD — or else they just fed off each other like piranhas.  I soon learned that I had to be calm and controlled even when they were bouncing off the walls.  I got them to give me an assistant teacher and while one of us taught, the other ran interference.  Actually, sometimes we both ran interference. 

Another trick we hit on was to memorize the lesson so we could present the stories and scriptures while we were extracting children from windowsills or sitting them upright in their chairs.  Before long we could give a lesson without a book and without missing a beat. 

Also, the same behavior was expected of everyone and when there were moments of good behavior we pointed it out with great fanfare.  We found out that one of the keys to success is being very, very well prepared.  You can't let the kids go nuts while you're looking at the manual.  You lose control in a heartbeat. 

It's hard to know what's behind the behavior.  If he's looking for attention and he's getting it — remember negative attention is better than no attention at all — he'll continue to act up as long as he gets your attention.  If you show him that nothing he does can rattle you or get special attention he'll figure it out.

If he truly is ADHD, his symptoms probably haven't escaped his parents and you might be helpful to them using your family experience as a springboard to discussion.  Having had one of these children myself I can tell you it was a great relief to have her properly diagnosed and treated, and it was a very observant teacher who set us on this path.  I will always be grateful that he spoke up about it.

Another thing to consider is maturity.  For some children it's a matter of time before they can control their bodies enough to sit still even for a short while.  It's unrealistic to expect young children to sit quietly and pay attention for anything longer than 10 minutes — and that's an outside stretch.  Two to three minutes is more like it.  When I taught the Sunbeams and CTR 5s, I had a bag of tricks that would rival a circus — games, puppets, flannelboard stories, flip books — you name it, I had it and would whip it out when things got restless.  

Most important, love them and let them know it.  Say hi to them when you see them outside Primary.  Remember their birthdays with something special.  If they have something happen in their lives, be there to cheer them on or give a hug.  I saw one of my Sunbeams in the hallway one Sunday, and he ran to me for a hug.  His dad asked me, "How do you get them to love you so much?"  I was quite taken aback by the question but gave the only answer I could:  "I love them."  And they knew it.

A Sister in San Antonio

What a great letter, Sister! I could visualize the feeding frenzy of the children whose behavior fed off each other. I could also appreciate the idea of memorizing the lesson so it could be given on the fly. Preparation is always a key for being a successful teacher, but this must be doubly so when you're herding a group of Primary children. Thanks for the humor, for the excellent suggestions, and for stressing that love is the bottom line for the success of any teacher.

Answers to the following questions would give a more complete picture of the situation: What is the age of the difficult child? What has already been tried? How do the parents respond/work with this child? Does he misbehave in virtually all situations, including home, other church meetings, school or preschool, with other children? These things are very important in coming up with ideas.

But in the absence of any of this information, I'll forge ahead with some thoughts.

I could say much more, but this is probably too lengthy. In short, teach your expectations, get help, and arrange some “time out” spots — even at church.

Carol Gwynn
Salt Lake City

Thanks for some good suggestions, Carol. I know from personal experience that it's hard even for adults to sit through a class sometimes — due to physical discomfort or just a restlessness of spirit. If it's hard for us, who have a firm concept of time, to endure, it must be excruciating for children to have to sit quietly for what seems like an eternity before they are allowed to move. Allowing a little “wiggle time” is a compassionate suggestion. I only wish we could do the same thing in Relief Society!

I was the Primary president, and we had a child very similar to the one described. In fact, he took multiple meds during the school week, but his parents “gave him a break” on the weekends and so he came to Primary in full flower. This isn't about their choice to do that — I have no opinion on that. But — we had him for two hours.

So, I called my spouse to be his teacher because my dear husband claimed to be the former rowdy boy from Primary. I don't know about that, but he is a fabulously patient dad and grandpa. He tried many things and here's a partial list of the things that worked:

It wasn't perfect, but they found a bond that lasted for two years (I moved up their teacher with them — I tell you, the man is a saint.) We still struggled in sharing time, and some weeks, the child just went to Priesthood meeting with his dad; that's all we could do. But maybe some of these techniques will help. (I also realize that now there is a rule that a man cannot be a teacher in Primary on his own, this was a few years ago.)

Judy Kay Frome
Resident of the USA

Your husband is indeed a saint, Judy! He sounds like the perfect teacher for a rowdy child — and no doubt his own rowdy history taught him what would work in the future.

Even though men can no longer teach Primary classes on their own, having an husband-wife combination of teachers in a class such as that would provide the backup that so many readers are advocating. Team-teaching Primary seems like an ideal job for newly married couples, or for seasoned veterans such as your saintly husband.

I read the letter from the Primary teacher with great interest. Understandably this is a difficult situation for the teacher and for the class as a whole, and not just the particular child. 

This little boy would benefit greatly with more one to one teaching or at the very least a teacher's helper to lead him through the class so he doesn't take all the attention of the main teacher.  Another thing is that the other members of the class see him as the "bad or naughty boy" and treat him as such in their manner and speech.  This helps no one. They must come to a better understanding of the child's abilities so that they can help and not "put down."  In this way he might even become an asset to the class and not just a problem.  Happily this teacher already sees good and wants to do the best for her class.

Our prayers are with you; don't be discouraged.
 
Elizabeth

Thanks for writing, Elizabeth. I like the idea that this situation can be used to help teach compassion to the other children in the class. A good teacher can make it so. Thanks for mentioning that aspect of the problem!

Our last letter for today comes from a reader who was given the calling of being an aide to a disruptive child. Let's see what she has to say:

I didn't waste time threatening. If he acted out, I would give one warning and then take him out. I was never mean to him, just quiet, firm and followed through using love. I also made sure I gave him plenty of hugs and positive feedback.

Since then, I've raised kids with ADD/ADHD that I also homeschool, and so I have a bit of a different perspective on this now. I didn't/don't medicate my kids; I use behavior modification and "tincture of time" (some things these kids will just outgrow).

I would also ask a couple of questions. Are his parents even aware of his behavior in class, or has everyone who has been called to teach this class just quit teaching his class or groaned when they see him come in? Is he on Ritalin or other psychotropic drug for the attention problems? If so, are they giving him his meds on Sunday mornings? 

How is his behavior when he's with his parents? In sacrament meeting? Does he cooperate with them? Or is he "running wild" all the time? This may not be ADD/ADHD, but he could be on the autism spectrum. People think of autistic kids as non-communicative, but that isn't always so. Some of these kids are wild and it's not bad parenting! The poor parents are run ragged trying to cope with a child who doesn't perceive reality as we do.

There is also a possibility that he suffers from poor parenting — either being punished too harshly or allowed to do whatever with mom/dad bleating, “Stop, stop,” but not correcting him or following through on threats. (This would include threatening time out, but never using it or using it improperly.)

By the way, this behavior is not the typical ADD/ADHD behavior. Yes the wiggling and being out of his chair on the floor is, but most of the rest of his behavior is attention-getting stunts. He is desperate for attention, and for him bad attention is better than feeling ignored. No matter what the cause, I agree he doesn't need to be handled roughly. Primary is where children should feel our Savior's love for them. Does he understand what is expected?

I had another boy in primary about six years ago who was of a similar disposition as this young man seems to be. Here, our branch is small and there just wasn't anyone else to call as a teacher to a single child. By then, I had worked with my own kids, and the ADD/ADHD and abuse we had had to deal with. I knew he also had many issues, so I worked with him. I brought cereal for treats and would treat whoever in class was doing well. Before we started class I explained what I was looking for and how often I would be giving a treat. At the appropriate time, I would give out a single piece of Cheerios to the kids complying. I made sure I set it up so this young man could succeed. I looked for good behavior, kept time limits short and rewarded all efforts. And if he (or anyone else) wasn't "eligible" for a treat this time, he would know that in five minutes, treats would be handed around again.

One day in sharing time, I sat with him and noticed that when the chorister named the song they were going to sing, he immediately started singing. I whispered to him that first the teacher tells us what song we're going to sing, then the piano would start to play. When she was ready for us to start singing she would move her hand. When she moves it down (and I showed him), that was when we start singing. His eyes shot wide open and he said, "I didn't know that!" I helped him through out the rest of sharing time, explaining what to look for to indicate the end of one activity and the start of the next activity. He was still wiggly, but was trying so hard to please. No one had ever explained what was to happen and how to know what to do next. People just assume kids know these things.

Well after church I went to his mom (he was with her) and said, "Do you know what your son did in class today?" She shot daggers at him, looked sad and sighed, "No, what?" I told her how proud of him I was. I then went on to praise his cooperation and how hard he had worked. Both of them were in tears. It would seem that the child had never been praised for trying to be still and cooperate. Since he didn't have the ability to read social situations (a common problem with ADD/ADHD and autistic kids), he could not "cooperate" — he simply didn't know what was wanted from him. All he knew was that he was always in trouble. And his poor mom had never heard anyone tell her that her boy was trying. All she ever heard was complaints.

I now have a boy who could be your boy's twin. It sounds like the last time I taught his class. Mom is aware of his problems — she's the Primary president. When the child acts up, we ask if we need to call his big brother in (dad is not a member, so that's not an option, but 19year-old big brother is). He doesn't want to disappoint big brother and will settle down some.

I am usually a last-minute sub in his class, so I don't usually have cereal to give as treats. (Our meetings go until 1pm and the kids are starving by the time they get to class). Hungry, cold/hot or sick kids will be extra wiggly.

I do have to redirect him a lot. At the beginning of class, I also give all the kids some time to tell me about anything that is on their mind so that they get it out of their systems. Then I say, “Okay, now all of our comments need to be about the lesson and if they get side-tracked I will tell them, we can talk about that after class.”

I've learned to say, "Is your comment about the lesson? If not, I need you to save whatever it is until we are done with Primary, then I'll let you tell me about it." I also do a couple of "wiggle songs" before we start. If it's a nice day outside, I've even been known to take them all outside and run them up and down the grassy area for about 5 minutes. Then either we have class at the picnic tables or go back inside. It's amazing what some gross motor movement will do for a wiggler!

Anther suggestion is that when his behavior gets too disruptive, that you have someone take him to either a parent — preferably Dad, or with parental approval, to speak to the bishop. But beware, if there is any indication that he is in an abusive situation (and that will also provoke this type behavior) you may not want the suspect parent involved. Retaliation will be swift and sure — once they get home! (I was one of those wiggly kids with an abusive mother, so I can tell you all about retaliation for "embarrassing the family.")

I also have to confess, my own ADD son got kicked out of Primary on a couple of occasions. As a single mom, there was no dad to take him to (my ex was abusive and not there anyway). I would be teaching a class, so, in accordance with my prior instructions, the Primary president would take him to the branch president and my son would have to explain his behavior to him. The branch president was always kind but firm in talking to him. Son didn't like that option at all and it only took two times — once at about age four and again at about age seven — to settle him down.  Especially since while we were driving home, I'd talk to him about it also. How important it is to listen and to allow others to listen. Two lectures in one day. Not worth it!

One last thing. I've learned through homeschooling that standing in front of kids and "giving a lecture" like we tend to do in adult Sunday school isn't the best way to teach a class. (The adults don't like it either! They want to share what they know.) I know the manuals have activities in them. I have found that the more I get the kids actually physically involved in the lesson, the fewer problems I have.

I have them act out the stories, not just sitting while I hold up pictures. I have conversations with them, instead of me talking and expecting them to listen. I hardly open the book in class. I know what's in the lesson and its flow. So I can focus on the kids, not on where I'm at in the lesson. I want to teach the kids, not teach the lesson. Involvement is the key. If I can, I have them so busy acting out the stories in the lesson, they don't have time to "act out" during the lesson — they're too busy waiting for me to cue them to speak. (Until this year, this has been a non-reading age class! I just tell them what to say. It does work.)

Sister Been There, Done That

What a great letter, BTDT! There was so much good advice in it, and because you've been in the trenches — both as a teacher and as a mother — your words have extra impact.

The thing I picked up most from your letter was the value of consistency. Time and time again, your solutions came down to having the child know what to expect, and then being consistent so the knowledge would be confirmed. That was even the case with the child who needed to be told what the pattern was because he couldn't see it for himself. Once he knew the cause and effect, his world finally made sense. Consistency works!

That's it for today. Tune in next week for more good ideas from Circle readers. And yes, eventually we're going to move on to another topic!

Until next time — Kathy

"The harder the conflict, the more glorious the triumph.
What we obtain too cheap, we esteem too lightly.
'Tis dearness only that gives everything its value."

Thomas Paine