Sometimes our readers seem to be thinking on the same wavelength, and this is one of those weeks. Although the letters in this week's batch are as individual as the people who wrote them, there seems to be a recurrent theme here. One after another, they advocate giving individual attention to the child — either teaching him in a class of one, or getting a second teacher to take the class with him and attend to his needs.

Our first letter is short and to the point:

My daughter deals with this regularly in Cub Scouts and has taught me what works for her:

Another adult is needed to assist.  This person sits with the child and assists with behavioral correction gently to keep him or her on track.  This frees the teacher to give the lesson and interact as a teacher.  The other children no longer need to "tell the child to be good," or do other things to assist in the behavioral process. The other adult may trade responsibilities with the teacher as needed.

Dad

Thanks for writing in, Dad. Sometimes a simple solution is exactly what works.

Here's a letter that's equally short and sweet:

We have a child in our Primary who is also a disruptive influence. What happened is that for an entire year, the class had two teachers assigned, and one of them dealt exclusively with this child. 

I realize that it can be very difficult even getting the number of Primary teachers needed regularly, but if Jenn could have a co-teacher who could devote his/herself to the rest of the class, while she works with the child, this may make it possible for the rest of the class to learn, as well as allow this child to learn.

Deborah

That's a good idea, Deborah. Thanks for sending it!

Our next letter is from a Canadian reader:

With interest I took note of Jenn's Primary Disaster.

I would imagine that she prayed a-plenty. But often in such an upset state it is hard to receive answers. Also I would imagine that the normal methods of having parents sit in class, and other things, have also been tried, as well as the bishop and Primary president made aware of and help sought from them.

My first reaction upon reading about this little terror was to send him home, as it is not right that a whole class should be shortchanged of instructions for the sake of one. (Lehi/Laban?)

On the other hand, no one is to be denied who wants to be in Church.

So here is something that came to my mind. First and foremost is that the teaching of gospel principles the responsibility of the parents or guardian. Why not have this boy taught by himself, possibly by Mom or Dad/Guardian or a very charitable other person in a small room or even a closet for that matter — until he is able to be incorporated with other's his age? Those little ones can not be expected to be so tolerant that they are not influenced by that troublesome boy.

Anyway, hope something works before they all grow up little rebels.

Eleonore from Vancouver Island

P.S: Have no idea what ADHD stand for.

Thanks for writing, Eleonore. By the way, ADHD is a common diagnosis here in the States. It stands for attention deficit hyperactive disorder.

I am a firm believer that although a child's first resource of gospel knowledge should be the parents, a child greatly benefits from interacting with other adults in a spiritual setting. That goes along with the “testimony of two or three witnesses” admonition, I guess! Anyway, for that reason I think I would hesitate calling the child's parents as his Primary teachers in this situation. However, I think your idea of having a separate class just for the child and his teacher, until he is able to interact in a classroom setting with others, may have a great deal of merit — depending on the child. I would imagine most full-sized wards have at least one teacher who would be able to reach the child and give him the spiritual nourishment he so richly deserves.

Here's a letter from Down Under that has some excellent ideas:

As a Primary president and an elementary school teacher, I know how distressing disruptive behaviour can be. Here are a few points that come to mind from my own successes:

I have seen these principles change children's behaviours and ultimately, because they "fit in" better, their ability to love themselves and others (and be loved!). It is never easy, but your reader is right when she says she can make a real difference in the life of this child and her faith and persistence are what will carry her through. When your resolve is threatened/tested, lean on the Spirit, and remember it will take time and that each little step forward is worth celebrating!

Penny Owen
Sydney, Australia

Thanks for a great letter, Penny. (I was so tempted to say “thanks for your two cents' worth,” but being a “Kidd,” I know how tiring it can be when people make jokes about your name.) I'm glad you underscored the importance of the teacher in the life of her student — even (or perhaps especially) in the case of a student who may be harder to love. Your encouraging words will mean a lot to Jenn, I'm sure.

Here is another advocate for team teaching:

Hello, I am teaching primary again after about twenty years and I really love it. I have a couple of helps, not solutions, for your problem.

The first idea is to get a team teacher who can sit in class with the child to help you out. The helper, of course, needs to be someone patient and loving. (Another Primary parent is usually not the best idea because they will just see how the problem is affecting their child and maybe cause more problems for you or the ward by talking to others and assigning blame.) My daughter-in-law had a child with Down Syndrome in her class last year so they had team teachers. They traded off by giving the lesson one week and sitting and entertaining the child the next.

Secondly, there is a teacher in our Primary (she has the older boys) who has bought dollar store balls (the soft weird-shaped ones that you squeeze) for the boys to hold to help them keep their hands to themselves, and this seems to be an outlet for their excess energy. She is a schoolteacher, so maybe this is something she uses in school.  They aren't allowed to throw the balls — just hold and squeeze them — but this does seem to keep the boys quieter and maybe more focused.

Here's one more thought. We were once in a ward with a family whose four boys all seemed out of control at church. Their mother finally asked to be released from her callings and just helped with the boys. For some reason these boys seemed to like to cause chaos and just didn't seem to fit in. There wasn't a solution, but eventually they all grew up and they all served missions and now at least a couple of them are married and have children of their own. Maybe one is in your class.

Cindy

Thanks for a great reminder, Cindy, that even the biggest troublemakers eventually grow up and can be productive members of society. That's all the more reason for finding some way to reach even the hardest cases. Teaching Primary may seem like a small thing, but you really are entrusted with people's lives.

When I was in the Primary presidency, we had this very problem and so I understand your concern and appreciate your desire to find a positive solution to help this child. It is very important that this student feel the love and acceptance of a good teacher and have a positive experience at Primary.

One of the things we chose to do was to have a mentor for this child. We actually had a psychologist in our ward who was asked to join our class, and he would sit next to this boy and help keep him on task. The relationship with this “mentor” started outside of the classroom, though. This person went to the home and met the boy and started seeing him during the week so a relationship of love and respect could be started prior to his introduction to the classroom.

Several times, this child would need to be removed from the class by the mentor, and they would just take a short walk outside or around the building and talk. It worked out well.

This child needed to feel loved and accepted — not only by the teacher and leaders, but also by the students. Maybe encouraging “play days” with some of the classmates outside of church would be helpful.

Good luck and don't get discouraged. You are in the best place in the Church, with the children. If you just love them they will feel it.

Fran Curtis
California

Your last sentence said it all, Fran. Children are smart little creatures. If you love them, they know it. If you don't love them, you can jump through all the hoops in the world and they'll see right through you. Love is the bottom line.

My heart is so touched with Jenn's predicament because I have been on several sides of this familiar experience, beginning as a young, inexperienced teacher coming home from Church in tears and frustration with a class of rowdy ten-year-old boys to being the mother of a child with a lot of uncontrolled energy. 

My most valuable growing came from teaching a class of 7-year-olds, with a boy who did many of the same behaviors as Jenn's student, but who would also kick the other children.  I knew that the parents were already overwhelmed by this child, and they didn't know what to do. 

I've watched this boy grow and mature for the past ten years and have often thought, and wished, that I'd done things differently.  I tried to not overburden the parents, thinking that they were getting complaints from every teacher and organization that this boy was in.  I now see that I made a huge mistake in not communicating on a regular basis with the parents.  Communication is easily opened by asking the parents what tricks they have found that work, and what they would suggest to help this child develop his self-discipline in class. 

I should have alerted them each time he hurt another child so that they could add attention to that at home.  I would have also had them attend class once a month to help monitor him but to also help them see for themselves what is happening during class.  I regret not doing this.

Ironically, I was called as the teacher to that class because my own son was having a hard time with his attention.  He wasn't as overtly disruptive but his attention would wander, as would his frequent comments, and it pulled the other class members off into other directions. 

My son was having the same problems in school as well.  So I spent a lot of time with training and working with him to help him learn to focus his attention, learning what behavior was appropriate where and working at disciplining himself.  It was a difficult time and a puzzle to me because he was the youngest of our four children and this was a challenge that we hadn't had to deal with before.  With testing and working for answers, one thing became clear. This child had a very high IQ, and I finally realized that his mind was working at warp speed.

Since this time, I have been more sensitive to children who seem to have a hard time with their behavior, trying to contain themselves in an environment where they felt just like a square peg surrounded by nothing but round holes.  I try to give these children extra attention and try to see things through their eyes.  I try to reinterpret in my mind how they may be seeing what is going on and try to imagine how they are experiencing it and speak with them on a more creative level. 

I will often sneak in and sit next to these children and make quiet observations in their ears during Sharing Times.  I think that just having someone that they can express their ideas with and their interpretations with helps them.   So sometimes a child's behavior problem isn't really about being disruptive or having an attention problem, as much as it is with them trying to make sense of their experience.

As a teacher, it demands awareness and creativity and the willingness to do things a little off the norm.  With some children, creating an individualized challenge situation for them can help.  Positive attention and complimenting appropriate behavior will almost always be more effective than telling them to stop doing something.

Also, do not hesitate one more minute to ask for assistance from your Primary presidency.  Get a partner called to sit in class to give this child the attention he needs so that you can focus on the other children.  Each child deserves a great church experience and many are being short-changed because of one.

Ours is not to take upon ourselves evaluating and diagnosing the individual's challenges.  But if we are to teach and create a growing experience, then we must enlist the parents when a child has problems.  After all, it is the parents who do have the responsibility to help their children grow through their trials.

Best wishes,
Jo

What a great letter, Jo! Your practice of putting yourself in the shoes of the Primary children has doubtless created a whole army of children who love you and who will — more important — feel your kind influence throughout their lives. What a terrific teacher you must be!

Speaking of excellent teachers —

Hooray for Jenn from DC!  Any child would be blessed to have her for a teacher.  

I've not only been a teacher and Primary President of "rowdy's," but a mother of one also.  When my own terror was 4, the bishop called me to teach him and three other boys just like him in their own separate class for about a year. The other six children got a "regular" teacher.   I should let you know up front that these boys (including my son) have all grown to be valiant adults, returned missionaries and now (the best revenge) parents!  There were days when I thought that the only future for them was as heads of organized crime.  Over the years I've taught several children — almost always boys — who were beyond a normally wiggly child.  

With all this experience, each challenging child is unique and I don't think there is a "bag of tricks" that will magically change a child. But here are some of my ideas:

The child's parents, Primary presidency and the bishopric need to be prayerfully involved.  This is not overkill.  You didn't say how old this child is, but very soon the child gets the message that he/she is "bad." When that happens, children try to meet that expectation.  Everyone needs to come up with a plan of action.  The child should not be punished for not behaving but given tons of chances to succeed.  Even 3-year-olds know when they have not been able to meet expectations.  Their classmates will not hesitate to let them know, also.  

Usually children want to behave — some of them just don't have the tools yet.  I'm not big on charts or rewards, but a big "high five" on a good day will recognize that the child has made an effort.

Sincerely love the child.  This may take a lot of prayer — real, earnest prayer.  A kid can tell if you're faking it.  

I once had a kindly bishopric member sit with a child that couldn't behave. He sat there through opening exercise and through class.  He was the child's "buddy" for a long time.  It takes the right person — if the child is a boy I think it needs to be a priesthood member.  It also needs to be someone who genuinely likes the kid.  The relationship is one of a "big friend."  The adult can model good behavior, gently intervene when salt clay is thrown, and take the child out when he/she is not able to cope in class.  

I know we have some new rules about men serving in Primary so this takes help from the Primary presidency and the bishop.  In one ward I served in years ago, we had a lot of young men preparing for missions.  They were all called to various Primary positions.  The Primary kids, boys and girls, treated them like rock stars, and they loved the Primary kids. Someone like that could help the child cope without making him feel like a leper.

A class with even one of these children could be team taught.  Again — you need your Primary president to be part of the solution.  The teachers can "tag team" the child and help them cope while still doing a lesson.  

Last, success takes time — lots of time.  It comes in little tiny steps, and you may be only one part of a long line of teachers and leaders that will work on this child.  I think kids are worth it.

Cathy from Little Rock

There's another terrific letter, Readers. Cathy, you're a gem to suggest pre-mission young men to pitch in. What teenage boy doesn't want to be treated like a rock star? Even more important, helping out in a situation such as this could be valuable training for the rigors of missionary life. A missionary never knows what he's going to run into, and there is no training that is wasted for a missionary situation.

My suggestion is discuss with parents, bishop, Primary president and teacher, in meeting together .  Begin with prayer for the needs of the child to be met.  One option in this meeting is that the teacher suggests that a person be called to teach this child alone in his/her own class.  This would mean one-on-one instruction using physical activity and 5-second messages given, working to show appropriate physical activity and to help the child learn the difference of what is
appropriate and what is not. 

This child needs a loving teacher dedicated to working with the child prayerfully.  There is a limit to what parents can do alone, and there is a limit to what teachers in a group setting can do.  This
child needs a one-on-one setting to learn more than gospel details, but he needs the love of gospel teachers as well.

We have had two children in our ward in recent years who have required a teacher for them alone.  It has worked tremendously well!  May God bless you in your search for an answer. 

Shirley

Thanks for your ideas, Shirley. You're absolutely right — calling a meeting of people who love the child and who are responsible for his welfare to determine together the best course of action to take could be a real help.

Read on for another approach:

I had a class full of 7-year-old boys.  We didn't follow the lessons in the book at first.  I taught the boys how to look up scriptures for the lesson one week.  Another week we had a lesson on the book of records that records what we do on Earth — good and bad. Of course we looked up the scriptures for that. 

Another time when we had Sharing Time we did the presentation on baptism. I had a list of scriptures about baptism, and the boys looked them up picked one and then I cut up the picture of Jesus being baptized.  We put the puzzle together after reading the scripture. 

Doing things like these, we made it through the lesson book.  I did have a "special" chair to sit in. It became one little boy's special chair.  If he was especially disruptive, the chair was put facing the wall.  It took a while, but the boy would sit in "his" chair at the start of the lesson, and he would behave.

Anonymous

Thanks for another good idea, Anonymous. Those lessons are guidelines, and they can certainly be adapted to meet the needs of the children as you did. Well done!

There is a boy who sounds very much like this who has been coming back to Primary in the other ward sharing our chapel. He has been in our ward as well, and he is totally uncontrollable.  He has a full inclusion aide at his school (which means the aide is with him all the time) and earlier, an older foster sister would come to Primary with him.  None of the Primary workers know if he has been diagnosed (although the presence of an aide would suggest that this has been done),  but one of the sisters who works with the special needs school program says he displays symptoms she has seen in some autistic children. 

However, without professional intervention, you can only guess and I would want to be very careful not to make unjustified assumptions.

I would think that if your child has been evaluated and any specific circumstances diagnosed, the parents would tell the Primary workers so you could all work together to find ways to keep the situation under control.   This boy's parents should be brought into the talks about solutions, and they should be asked if this is typical of his behavior at school and if he has been evaluated by professionals (either through school if he is that old or by his pediatrician) to see if there is an underlying medical/mental/emotional cause of his behavior that is beyond the ability of someone trying hard to be a good teacher. 

Unfortunately, you can't solve all the problems children have just because you hope to do the best for any of them.   And you want to find a way to keep him involved and hopefully gain something from the class, but at the same time, you have other class members to teach and they
have to have the opportunity to learn without the distractions of constant disruptive behavior.

California Reader

Thanks for writing, California. It's sad to think that at least in your building's example, the child is being left in the care of his teachers without their being informed of what the parents know about the child's situation. Teachers need all the knowledge they can get if they can hope to reach children such as the one you described, and the teachers who are assigned to this boy are being handicapped by their lack of information. Here's hoping that the Primary presidency in the wards who are affected by this young boy get the information they need to be able to teach him in ways that will help.

Our last letter of today is from Canada, and it's sure to bring a smile to your face.

When I was Primary chorister in a newly divided ward, and almost a senior sister, and a large one at that, I had a young man who would later be diagnosed as FAS — fetal alcohol syndrome.  He was a little physically larger than the other boys his age, who looked up to him as a leader of bad behaviour.

And he would not participate in the singing. 

I decided that I would "kiss" anyone who did not sing.

Of course, I was tested, and I kissed him — had to hold his head gently while I did, laughing all the while, so that everyone would know I was teasing. 

After the first kiss, all I had to do was head for my purse, pull out a bright-coloured lipstick, and pretend to reload my lips.  It worked.  We all had a good laugh, and they all sang.

Twenty years later, the "kids" remember how I got them all to sing.

This would not work in every case; but I leave it to Jenn to ponder the use of a tube of lipstick.

Betty
Alberta, Canada 

Betty, what a lovely way to end this column! A little humor goes a long way in a trying situation. Thanks for reminding us to think of light-hearted ways to solve minor behavioral problems.

Okay, friends and neighbors, that's all for this week. I still have a ton of letters on this subject, so tune in next week to see what more Meridian readers have to say.

Until next week — Kathy

"Educate your children to self-control, to the habit of holding passion and prejudice
and evil tendencies subject to an upright and reasoning will, and you have done much
to abolish misery from their future and crimes from society."

Benjamin Franklin