M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

The Last Words on Step-Parenting
By Kathryn H. Kidd

We have a few last words on step-parenting today, but we’ve saved some of the best for last. And right at the end, we got two stray letters this week on the topic of unpaid professional services. Read on to see what your fellow Meridian readers had to say;

I am a stepmother, having gained a rebellious teenage daughter about 18 years ago. We've weathered quite a few storms together, and still they are coming!

I want to say there's hope so long as you keep the gospel first and foremost in your life. My strong feeling is that the harder you work at listening to the Spirit, the closer you will be to the person the Lord can use to save your situation — maybe even save those kids who right now tell you daily that they hate you and you are ruining their life.

Like others who have written, I know that you are supposed to have your spouse's cooperation in disciplining his or her biological children. But if you don't get it, you don't have to end the marriage. You can work around it. The Spirit will direct you, as He did me. Be patient. Your spouse may change. Don't fight stupid little battles and then lose the war. Sometimes living in chaos means winning in the end.

Like others, I want you to know that step-parenting is probably the hardest thing you'll ever do in your family life. You'll feel at times that families are the worst idea ever invented, but then you'll be surprised by little moments of joy along the way.

Like others, I advocate getting a good counselor. Change counselors if your current one isn't giving advice that feels right to you, or that's not working. I was told by my counselors that it takes five years, not three, to successfully blend a family. That's almost exactly how long it was before my stepdaughter first told me she appreciated me for putting up with her when she was treating me the way nobody should have ever been treated.

Know that, although you are not the child's biological parent, you will be given a measure of revelation in how to deal with that child. You have the right to it. Because the Lord wants all His children treated the way He Himself would treat them, He will help you fulfill that mission, same as He helps you figure out how to deal with the people you are called to serve, or the people you live next door to, or the people you work with. And since this is so much more important than those categories of people, it's only logical that you'll get more inspiration for this situation as you ask for it.

In my experience, I think you have to make up your mind to these things to ensure success:

1. I will love my family no matter what they do, because I will try to see them the way Heavenly Father sees them. I will try to understand what He knows about them.
2. I will do my utmost to make us eternal. I will try to help each member reach his or her spiritual potential, being fearless in my advocacy of the gospel.
3. I will pray with each family member who allows it, and for them all.
4. I will keep the communication lines open with all my family members, no matter what. I will tell them kindly how I want things to be.
5. I will read my scriptures every single day of my life. (Once you're in a blended family, you need this even more than ever.)
6. I will be fiercely loyal even to those family members who are not loyal to me.
7. I will keep my sense of humor, especially when under attack (this enabled me to keep laughing and joking at her when my stepdaughter attempted to pretend for two years that I was invisible).
8. I will not be physically mistreated (my stepdaughter once attacked me, and we made it clear that she could no longer live at home if she showed violence a second time).
9. I will serve my family to my utmost ability (but not by letting them walk on me). (This is where you can adopt that lovely idea of being a grandparent-figure to your stepchild.)

It's not all thorns or all roses. Keep your spirits up, no matter what! Life isn't supposed to be easy — gee, and with a blended family, just think how quickly your heavy trials will probably make you perfect!

A Salt Lake Sister

Salt Lake, your letter was purely inspired. There were so many gems of wisdom in your “Nine Commandments of Step-Parenting” that I couldn’t pick out just one favorite if I tried. I’ll bet a lot of people are going to print out your list and put it in a place where they can read those admonitions often. Thanks so much for writing!

Read on for a letter that contains another nugget of wisdom:

We've had a his, mine and ours family for more than thirty years, in various combinations of children over time, and one of the things I don't think I saw mentioned was the step-parent owning up to the step-children that she/he understood how they might not want her/him to be there, because of the love they have for their natural parents. It's tough for the kids too, and being resented and even hated isn't terribly surprising.

We're supposed to be the grownups, more grown up than the kids, even when our feelings are raw, and where I completely agree that the parents in the new family have to support one another [mea culpa — we didn't always and we had some blistering rows over it], resentful kids have their point to make too.

It's not just our job to manage them or even just to love them, it's our job to respect and acknowledge them as equal human beings to ourselves — even little ones. It's amazing how reasonable a very young child can be when approached reasonably.

Today, all these years later, all our kids are just some of the nicest grownups I know — people I'd be glad to have for friends even if they weren't my kids. They love one another across genetic boundaries, seek each other out as friends, and support one another in difficulties. They get full credit for that — even at our best, I don't think we could have managed to arrange that ourselves.

Reader in Transit

What a terrific idea, Transit — to sit down with the child and acknowledge that it’s only natural for him to resent you because of the love he has for his own parent. A little empathy can go a long way in this world. The idea may have to be conveyed more than once, but it could make a huge difference.

As the mother of seven sons (two from my husband’s previous marriage), I sent comments in earlier on this subject, but after reading what you have now published I have a question to ask.

Where is the commitment in life and in marriage and in parenting? We all want to have life be too easy without really putting out the effort. When the stumbling blocks come between a husband and a wife in parenting, they often take the easy way out and just walk away. How sad for our families, our children, and the children of broken marriages!

The only way to mend and blend broken homes is through prayer, love, and total commitment to each other and to our children. The best secret is to be committed to our spouses to raise our families in love. We need to forgive the past, enjoy the present, and move forward with God as our partner in our marriage. Been there — done that!

Carol in Elk Grove, California

Carol, I love what you said about forgiving the past. Thanks so much for writing again. Commitment to marriage cannot be stressed too often. Our last letter on step-parenting ends the topic on an optimistic note. I just love a story with a happy ending!

I am a stepmother. I am no Pollyanna, but I really love it. It has everything to do with my husband, my love for him, his love for me and our desire for all of our children to succeed.

I know there are people out there reading and thinking that they shouldn't marry again because either or both of them have minor children. I say that everything requires constant, humble prayer. The Lord will not lead you astray. Most importantly, love conquers everything.

I learned in a Primary in-service meeting years ago that the children in my Primary class would only learn from me if they felt my love for them. This profound principle hit me hard. I had grown up in the Church but never “heard” this before. I tried it and to my astonishment, it worked! I loved the children and in turn they behaved better and the spirit was present.

Years later, after an abusive marriage that lasted way too long, I found myself in a new, loving marriage. We both had children. We both had full-time custody of them. I had the challenge of mothering a pre-teen girl who had never been taught (I mean hardly anything). I had two of my own children still at home — both teenagers.

My husband is amazing and humble. He was so grateful to everything I did to help his daughter. My husband's ex-wife had no ability to mother, and his five children had been basically left to raise themselves. My husband worked full-time, like most dads do, and did all he could in the evenings.

My point is, love is the key (even to the unlovable, which there are a few of those in our mix of nine children). You must love your new spouse and because you love him, you love his or her children. Both of you must love each other; this cannot be a one-sided thing. A one-sided marriage doesn't work anyway.

I am very blessed. My stepdaughter is called daughter. My own daughter calls her sister. We only have the two teenage girls at home now. They are a blessing to each other and to us.

I have learned more from my stepdaughter than I ever thought imaginable. She is sloppy; I am clean. But she is loving and accepting where I tend to be more intolerant and superior (feeling). She learns from me and I learn from her.

My life has been enriched beyond measure because she came to live in my home. I have been brought to my knees in repentance because of my attitudes on so many occasions. Maybe we need to look for the good more often than concentrating on the bad. That is so hard to do when we are in the thick of turmoil and pain. Maybe you could step back and take a break. Let the other parent do the parenting for awhile and see how it goes. We all need to let go of some things but not check out. My husband and I both have ex-spouses who have “checked out” of parenting (voluntarily).

I loved unconditionally and have been repaid in kind. I treated my stepdaughter like my own and sometimes better because she didn't have the history to support certain criticisms. My own children and I are tight, but most of them have allowed me to totally bond with my stepdaughter (as they have also). Because my husband's older children saw my love for their youngest sister, I became more trusted in their eyes. I have lost nothing and gained everything by putting some of my own wants on hold to be a mother to three of my husband's children as well as my own four (and growing as they begin to marry).

There are three of our kids who haven't really accepted the “other” parent, but life is very long and consistency is the answer. Love unfeigned, humility to know when to change, communication, constant prayer and love and respect for all family members is what is needed.

There is never an absolute answer to whether you should marry again or not, or marry someone with children or not. Everyone is different. I know and love plenty of people who have had terrible experiences step-parenting. It is a hard thing, but then aren't we put on this earth to be tested in hard things and to grow through the experiences?

A very grateful mom

Thanks for a great letter, Grateful. It’s nice to know that after a lot of hard work, rewards can and do come.

Now, as promised, we have two letters about the topic of whether or not to charge ward members for professional services. The first comes from a professional who provides service; the second comes from a ward member who uses the services of professionals in her ward. Read on for two perspectives:

My husband is also in a service business and has unfortunately had similar unpaid learning experiences. When called upon by the bishop to render free service, he does so willingly. However, when individuals call we treat them just like any other customer.

We start by asking them to contact us on our business phone and only give that number out to others involved in the project. We plan a business hours appointment and have them sign the same Agreement for Service we have for everyone.

If the service is prepaid for others, it is for them also. It is easier to ask for your money and collect it when you have kept it on a professional level from the start. Since it is your business, it is your responsibility to keep the whole thing businesslike by making arrangements up front. Then there is no doubt that you expect to be paid so much at such and such a time.

My husband’s favorite saying is “No good deed goes unpunished,” and we have found that doing professional favors just isn’t a good practice and can create hard feelings on both sides.

Richer for the experience in Kansas

Thanks for a great set of guidelines, Richer. Some people may think your practices are harsh, but when you read the next letter you’ll see what can result when a set of rules isn’t in place:

I am sure I am responding to a dated article, because I only get to check into Meridian sporadically. However, I wanted to share a thought from the receiving end.

We like to hire members to help with projects around our home. My husband feels that if we are paying someone to do something, we might as well pay a member and help out the business. Our struggle is that they often hesitate to charge us, or they will price their service so low that it is unreasonable.

We explain that it is important for them to charge us their standard and reasonable fees so we can feel good about asking them for future projects. Sometimes a small discount is appreciated, however, when
members drastically under-price (or won't state a fee at all), we pay more than they asked (or more than we think they would have charged someone else), just to be on the safe side. This can be stressful on our planned budget, and often we still wonder if we paid enough.

Puzzled in Georgia

There you have it, service providers. You may think you’re doing a kindness to ward members when you waffle about charges you would make for your professional services, but when you waffle over payment you’re inviting potential disaster. Not only are you making other people uncomfortable (the technical term here is icky), but you’re risking being underpaid or overpaid and causing potential problems. It might be better to do as Richer suggests and lay out the situation in black and white before the work is ever undertaken.

Okay, readers. Next week we’re on to a new topic. If you have any suggestions for future topics, please write to me at circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com. Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam. And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province or country. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

"Those in the midst of severe trials are not helped by the jaunty optimism of those who have somehow escaped the same pain. Clinical pathologies with their biochemical component aside,
what is our discouragement threshold? What does it take to immobilize us?
How much of an obstacle throws us into anxiety and depression, making us want to give up?”

Davis Bitton