Letters keep pouring in on the stepmother issue. If you haven't seen your letter yet, do not despair! There is still an avalanche of unread letters in my email box. Eventually I'll get to yours.

The first week we addressed this topic, I got two letters in a row that praised the advice of Dr. Laura on this topic. This week I got two letters in a row that criticized the same Dr. Laura. Let's start with those and go from there. And even if you're not interested in Dr. Laura one way or the other, keep reading till the end of the column. There are some terrific letters in this week's batch!

I'm just an observer of a good many step-parent families, and I know there are as many differences as there are families. As much as I respect and admire Dr. Laura, I disagree with her flat statement that parents with children should not remarry. There are people who desperately need to have a spouse, a help-mate to handle the complexities of life.

I knew a family where the mother died and left a very lonely husband with several school-age children. These children had learned to run the household and were not about to accept a new adult in their midst. They actually drove the first one away. The second one was a different personality, and although the children still made it very difficult for her they were making progress when they moved away and I don't know how the story ended.

Seems like that is the place for many family home evenings and family councils to discuss feelings and make assurances that no one is trying to replace the missing parent in their hearts, as well as other troublesome matters.

I know a woman whose husband left her for another woman. She was devastated, and turned from a pretty, smiling, young looking woman into an old-looking very sad lady almost overnight. Such things can pull the rug out from under your self-confidence.

She had two pre-teen age children. After a couple of years the children came to their mother and told her they wanted to see her smile again, and encouraged her to date and remarry if she found someone who would make her happy. She did so, and soon the children were through school and on their own, knowing their mother was no longer lonely.

I know another large family whose mother became terminally ill. She called her children around her and told them that should their father choose to remarry she wanted them to accept his new wife and love her as their own. The husband did remarry a few years later, and the children all accepted the new wife — which made it easier for everyone.

What an opportunity to teach children about unselfishness and love! It seems to be human nature to be selfish unless we are taught a better way.

So I would change Dr. Laura's rule to say, go into a new marriage slowly, carefully, and give everyone a chance to adjust before tying the knot. Have some fun times together to get acquainted. The idea of being like a grandparent instead of step-parent is worth incorporating into your strategy. Realize that especially in a divorce, the children are having severe emotional challenges and need to be comforted and assured that they are still loved and needed to make the family run smoothly.

When a man and woman marry they choose to love each other, and children need to know everyone can do the same. The start is to try to get along, build a friendship, and in time the love will come. It can be a growing, positive experience for everyone if they all work together.

An observer in the West

Thanks for some great advice, Observer. I wonder how many terminally ill parents have the presence of mind to call the children together and ask them to accept the next spouse, as your friend did. What an act of love!

You're right in that the first human response is a selfish one. It's hard to get out of that mindset — and even harder, I'd imagine, when you're the victim of an unwanted divorce — but kindness is always the best policy.

Here's a letter from a reader who has been on both sides of the fence:

How insightful!  I am a stepchild as well as a stepmother.  It has been a long hard road, and we are still working through it.  I loved the idea of [acting the role of] a grandmother; I wish I could have had the opportunity to try that when my step-daughter was still at home. 

Unfortunately, she has chosen to live with her mother full-time (we used to have 50/50 shared custody) and she has not been to our home since.  She hardly ever talks to her father, and of course my husband is very hurt.  We tried the rules thing, and that was very difficult, (which is why she left to her mother's house).  She didn't like the whole consequences thing — and since her mother does not talk with my husband, we could not all work for what was best for the child.

It didn't help that my husband was not a member of the Church when we got married (he has since joined and we have been sealed) so we did not have the same ideas as to how we should discipline our children.  It didn't help that I have a special needs child that we had to deal with as well.

The good news is, my husband is now at least getting the opportunity to talk to her.  We are hoping that she will come around sometime in the future. She is only 16 and dealing with being a teenager as well.

We have been in counseling, and that has helped to an extent.  I will say that the comment from Dr. Laura was offensive to me.  I understand that children are dealing with issues themselves, but parents also have issues, and you can't make any kind of judgment until you have walked in the other person's shoes.

Terri in California

Thanks for your observations, Terri. They mean even more because you've been on both the receiving and the giving end. Thanks especially for the reminder that we should refrain from making any kind of judgment on the situation that others face. It's amazing to me how often the things we are certain are true about others are so far off base as to be in another ballpark. It's nice to be reminded that it's not our job to condemn others.

Apparently things can be even worse if there are people on the other side of the fence who are not even trying to live a spiritual life. Read on for a bird's-eye view, written by a reader who doesn't mention Dr. Laura, but who sounds as though she agrees with Dr. Laura's advice:

I'm glad that my husband's kids live with the ex-wife.  They are 11 and 12 and act horribly when they come over. They even swear at their father and are nasty.  They think it is acceptable because that is how their mother speaks about their father. 

I am nice to them when they come over, and have even spent money on many things that they want.  But I draw the line at swearing, filthy talk, and abusive behavior. 

I guess those are the breaks when you marry someone whose ex-wife thinks the Church is a cult and will do everything in her power for those kids to follow her sinful path in life and not their dad's. 

My husband and I have both agonized over the situation. If I had known how terrible it was going to be I would have never gotten married, but I feel strongly to try to keep our temple marriage covenants.  I feel very sorry for those kids, too. They don't realize it, but their mother does not have their best interest in mind.  She's a selfish person.  Maybe they will see that when they grow up. 

My husband worries about his kids and cries over them, and tells me they are lost to him.  The only thing we can do to keep the nasty ex-wife out of our lives is to not have contact with the children. We send them their Christmas and birthday presents in the mail.  It is a sorry situation but the only possible remedy for now. 

I wish someone would have talked to me about the difficulties of being a stepparent before getting married, and I really wished that my husband would have told me more about the ex-wife.  I wouldn't wish for anyone to have to go through these problems. Marriage is difficult enough without the added stress of an ex-wife who does everything in her power to try to destroy her ex-husband's new life. 

So my advice to single women who are thinking about marrying someone who is divorced with children, take a better look at the situation.  My mother-in-law once said to me that an ex-wife doesn't want her ex-husband, but she also doesn't want anyone else to have him. 

Reader in Oregon   

I'm so sorry for what you've been going through, Oregon! (I love your mother-in-law's comment, though!) All I can hope is that eventually your step-children see how much kinder you and their father are than their birth mother is, and how much happier you are. If they can ever see those things, perhaps they will one day want the blessings the two of you have.

Our last four letters for today have unique and insightful advice for stepparents. If you want some excellent advice, read on!

Did you ever know anyone who truly wanted a stepparent?

Maybe that is the key right there, how do you define the role of a stepparent?

I have been the mother of a blended family of seven children for the past 12 years.  I had four, my husband had two, and then we share one daughter. (They are now ages 10-30.) 

I never refer to my husband's children as "stepchildren."  I call them my "bonus" children. I consider them a bonus to my life — people I get to love unconditionally. There are no set rules for bonus children from my end, but the idea I function off of is that I simply have more children to love. (I don't have more children to discipline, or teach, or correct.) 

When my biological children complain about the behavior of a bonus child in the home, it really is not so different as a child coming to a parent and using a friend's situation to justify his own behavior.  A daughter might say, "But Jenny can stay out late on school nights," and the response being, "Well, I am not Jenny's mother, and I am not responsible for her.  I wish she would do different, but that is between Jenny and her parents. But I am responsible for you !”   

The same goes for the bonus child. “I am not her mother, and I am not responsible for her.  My job — and your job — is to love her.  I wish she would do differently, but that it is up to Jenny and her mom and dad to set the rules.”  (That isn't to say we don't try to persuade good behavior choices with love and example.)

Here's my advice: 

I would say that from my experience that biological children can create just as difficult parenting situations as the bonus children.  They are just simply different challenges.  I believe it comes down to our own commitment to do what is within our control to enrich all of their lives and teach proper principles.   There are obviously special challenges that come from these children added to our lives, but there are special advantages that come as well.  Try to focus on those and move forward.  I have found that if I agonize over a problem for long, when I have reached the solution the problem has usually solved itself and a new one has presented itself.  (Worrying about it was wasted energy.)

Believe me, I am not taking a Pollyanna approach to this.  I have had many challenges that have been heart-wrenching and long-term with both my own children and my bonus children.  There is a thought that has always brought me comfort when I am out of "tricks" and left to sit back and do very little except pray:                       

Barbara in Orange County

Barbara, I love the term “bonus children”! What a great concept! I also like your way to explain to your biological children why the rules aren't the same for everyone. What an inspired letter!

I have clung to the idea for years that a single parent's first responsibility is to his children and not his love life.  Having observed the turmoil that comes with trying to blend a family, I resolved that I would never be the one to do that to a child.  I am now 52 and have not married yet. 

I am amazed at the attitude of family members or peers who have remarried when I remind them that all they are to that stepchild is the spouse of that parent and not their parent.  The vitriol and anger that is expressed by the peers or family member is very telling.  I have even lost a few friends with this attitude of mine.  Vindication comes when in the train wreck of the second marriage that person comes to me to say that I was right. 

On some of the LDS single sites that I used to post to, I was called names, accused of trying to negate spirituality, and generally told that my position was wrong.  I will not date or follow up on the single sites with anyone who has minor children because I feel so strongly about this. 

Granted there are situations that work, but why volunteer for all this grief when the life that I have made for myself is so awesome.  The best thing about nieces and nephews is that you can spoil them and send them home.  This is not the life I thought that I would have growing up in the Church.  Heavenly Father has blessed me greatly with what I do have. 

Debbie Parker
Yuma, Arizona

Debbie, your choice is not for the faint of heart — to remain single rather than take on the role of stepmother. And I'm sure there are stepmothers out there who have been great blessings in the lives of their “bonus children.” However, I have to say I admire your attitude about the great life you have as a single person. So many of us spend all our time mourning over what we don't have that we are oblivious to the great blessings we have been given. Thanks so much for the reminder of where we should put our focus.

Read on for the viewpoint of another older single who made a different decision from Debbie's, but who went into her marriage with her eyes wide open and a plan firmly in mind:

Yes, I know, the odds for us and our relationship surviving were not in our favor. In fact, they were steeply stacked against us. However, we've made it, and in what I believe to be fine fashion.

Anyway, moving on; my husband and his first wife had 4 children. Twin daughters, age 16, one son, age 14, and another son, age 11. I had not met his children at the time we got married. He thought it was just too soon after the divorce from their mother. I agreed. He would travel to their house for his visitation and take them out rather than bring them to our home. This was fine with me. Everything had been such a whirlwind and the children were certainly right at those prime ages when I could be considered the "wicked and evil" stepmother, no matter what I did or did not do. And, the children needed to know that I was not more important to their father than they were.

The older I got as a single person, the more I realized that if I ever did get married before I died, it would be to a man with children and probably a living former spouse. I thought long and hard about how best to handle that situation. I decided that if I was in a similar situation — divorced with children and seeking a spouse — that there were certain things I would require of said spouse. The first requirement would be, "If you love me, you must love my children."

That is the attitude that I went into my marriage with. I loved him so I must love his children. That had to be the first rule.

Another realization I had to deal with was that these were his children. He had seen them come into the world and loved them with all of his heart and soul from that instant. I was the latecomer — the interloper, so to speak. We barely knew each other when we met and married and of course his feelings (at least at that point) were stronger for his children than they would be for me. They would be his first priority, not me. That is just a fact of life in blended families, especially when they are newly blended.

It didn't mean that he didn't love me or care for me. His children needed him more than they ever had. And he needed them.  So, the second rule for me was, "I must fight the jealousy." They were children. I could not expect them to think or behave like an adult or have ultimate control over their emotions or to even like me. I must be the mature adult and realize their needs were important, even more important than mine. They were in a horrible situation and had to be put first.

My husband took the Easter baskets to them on his usual weekend visit. Apparently, they were a huge hit. My husband said that their reaction was, "Tell [her] she totally rocks!" Score one for the stepmom!

About a month after the Easter basket success I told my husband that I thought it was time for me to actually meet his children. This suggestion was met with some hesitation. However, after some rather lengthy discussions (and they really were discussions, not arguments) we decided it was indeed
time for that to happen.

We decided that neutral ground was essential for this ominous event. We had received some money as wedding gifts and decided to use it to take the kids to a local theme park. When my husband arranged
the meeting, they children actually seemed pretty excited about it. I'm sure part of the excitement was they were finally going to meet this mystery woman they'd heard about, but mostly it was all about the theme park thing.

The girls, being 16 and able to drive, actually offered to drive the family van to pick us up, as we had no car large enough to hold all of us. I was, of course, anxious and scared (more like petrified) and anxious, and did I mention I was petrified?

The big day arrived. My husband was pacing back and forth in our very small apartment. I finally told him to sit down and calm down. Apparently he was as anxious and petrified as I was. We watched out our door as they pulled up. My husband went down to meet them and then brought them up to the apartment. He did the introductions. I was very careful to not rush over and hug them, even though I wanted to. I just smiled and said hello to each and told them how happy I was to meet them. We went down to the van and started the trek to the theme park.

It was a good day. The girls and I bonded right off. They talked and chatted and told me amazingly personal things about themselves from the start. How blessed we were with that. The older son was also pretty easy. He was happy and smiling and just having a good time. (I learned as life went on, that was just his nature — always happy and smiling. Even when disappointment came or things weren't always the best situation, he'd be sad or upset for about three seconds and then say something like, "Oh well, let's do this instead.")

The hardest one was the youngest son — understandably so. He was pretty standoffish for a while. He
wasn't hateful or rude. I just think he was giving the whole thing some time, to see how it would work out. Eventually, not that day, but as time passed, he became my biggest fan. And now, he thinks I know everything. Sometimes he calls me with questions just to see if I know the answer. One of the girls was recently trying to decide between two different teaching jobs that had been offered to her. She called me to ask for my advice on what she should do — this, with her own mother (who is also a school teacher) sitting in the room with her. I guess our relationship is pretty good.

At the end of the theme park adventure, when they dropped us off, they each gave me a hug and jumped in the van and drove home.

From the theme park excursion on, things have been mostly good and often great. The kids are all grown now, the youngest is a junior in college, the older son is married to a wonderful girl and they are seeking out their life's endeavors, and the girls are starting their careers as teachers. I have been truly blessed in this pursuit and in the fact that the children were open and accepting of me from the start. I know my experience is the rare exception to the rule in blended family situations.

It was probably a good thing that I didn't have children of my own. There was less competition between
bio- and step-kids. There was only one set of children needing support and love and attention. There was less baggage from life to try and integrate with someone else's baggage of life.

However, I know that the attitude that I went into this with was the key. I had to love his children, even if they hated me. I had to keep my jealousy at bay. I had to realize that even at the very best of moments, this was a difficult thing. I had to accept the fact that the kids' needs, financial, emotional, spiritual, etc., came first. Remembering those things helped me through so many difficult situations. And there were
difficult times.

One other thing I did was to be constantly in communication with my spouse about his children, realizing that, on at least some level, they were my kids too. We prayed together for them constantly, and still do. We prayed over our marriage and we even prayed for his ex and we still do. We talked about them all the time, how we could make us, all of us, a better family. I also thanked my Heavenly Father that I was at least able to be some sort of a mother to someone in this life.

I believe I had it easy. I got to be the fun grown up. I didn't have to discipline them, I didn't have to get after them to do their school work or to clean their room. I didn't have to deal with the trauma and drama of everyday life when raising kids. All I had to do was have them come a couple times a week and have a good time with them.

Oh yeah, and I had to love them. Kids know. They feel it if it's there, even if they resist it, even if
they resist it for a long time, I believe they will eventually give in. It is my experience that being a stepparent means you must be totally committed to your children, your spouse's children, and to your marriage — and your spouse must do the same. We need to remember there is no loving someone
more than someone else. There is just love. And the final thing is that you must have charity towards all involved, which is probably the most difficult thing of all.

I should probably stop now. I hope the words have helped someone who might happen to read them, even if it's just a little.

Stepping in Utah

Great letter, Stepping! I think part of your success lies in the fact that these kids were already loved and taken care of before the divorce. Their mother, like their father, was apparently trying to raise them right, and they were good children already

But at least some of your success has to be attributed to you — for the great attitude you had before you ever met your husband. You had an excellent set of plans already in place, and you followed your own rules. As a result, your marriage is strong and your life is good.

Finally today, we have a plea for all stepmothers from the biological mother of your stepchildren:

I have been in a long-term marriage and am now going through an unwanted divorce.  I worry most about my two children who are still at home.  As a stay-at-home mother to a large family, I never dreamed I would be in this situation. 

Out of necessity I have entered the workplace.  What I have heard and seen there from stepmothers about the children appalls me.  These women speak constantly about their husband's children costing money.  And they say that the children are always ungrateful, messy, undisciplined, interfering, burdensome, lazy, and greedy.

What if those were my children being described that way and treated poorly by a girlfriend or wife of my soon to be ex-husband?  I would want to protect them from that. I feel for my sons that they have to do dishes at their dad's house and sometimes at my house.  They have to mow the lawn at his house and sometimes at mine.  They have a bedroom to clean there and one here.  It hurts to know that halfway through the Christmas holiday, by court order, they must pack up and go to the other parent's home. It hurts to think that they soon may have a stepmother who thinks of them the same way as the women I have met in the workplace.

The devastation of being rejected in a marriage is indescribable and the pain is constant, and the loneliness is overwhelming.  I want so much to be loved and cherished.  I have had blessings that promise me the desires of my heart, soon. But one thing I do know that addressing my loneliness by
hurrying into a marriage with a man who may not know how to care about my children would be a huge mistake.  My current stewardship is to be the best mother I can be in the current circumstances.

So, if you are a stepmother, or a potential stepmother out there, down the road you may be the stepmother to my children.  They are children of God.  And they have a mother who loves them dearly.  And she looks to God to know that you will be held accountable for how you treat them.

Mother of children in an unwanted divorce — Anywhere

Thanks so much for writing, Anywhere. It's normal for a stepmother to try to walk in the shoes of her stepchildren, but your letter forced us all to walk in the shoes of the biological mother — something that may be infinitely harder.

I hope that the promises of your priesthood blessings are soon brought to fruition, and that the next phase of your life will be happy. Meanwhile, I hope we can all be reminded that there are two sides to every divorce, and that the women out there who have been divorced unwillingly — for whatever reason — are also experiencing anguish over a family that was torn apart.

Stay tuned for more letters. I still have a mailbox full of them!

Until next week — Kathy

" If there is anything we wish to change in the child,
we should first examine it and see whether it is not something
that could better be changed in ourselves."

Carl Jung