M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

Rallying Around the Stepmother
By Kathryn H. Kidd

We're still getting letters on behalf of "Shirley," the Idaho stepmother whose stepchildren did not want a stepmother — and who made sure she was abundantly aware of their hostility.

Although last week's letters focused on the stepchildren, this week's letters focus on a different aspect of the problem — the father of those stepchildren. Our first letter is short and to the point. After that, there's a bit more detail. Here we go!

The problem is not with the stepchild. It's with the child's father — her husband. Without his direction and support, she's in a no-win. He's the problem and she had better get tough with him.

Richmond, Virginia

Good point, Virginia! Let's see what the rest of our readers have to say!

I was in a similar situation ten years ago. It was one of the most difficult times of my life, and that is why I take the time to write.

There is no way a marriage can work if the father doesn't support the disciplining of his children. You might attend parenting classes together so you can work together on the same page, or go to a family counselor.

If my previous spouse had taken the advice and used the tools that you learn in parenting class, we might still be married. However, he wouldn't let go of his near abusive way of disciplining and we finally called it quits.

If I had remained in my marriage, I would have lost the trust of all my children. Even still, I did lose the trust of one of my children, never to be regained. Successful parenting of stepchildren can be accomplished, but only with the support and mutual respect of each other and lots of patience by both parents. Best wishes to you!

from Pam in Utah to Shirley

I hope Shirley can take control of the situation before she suffers the same fate you did. Pam. It's always valuable to read the words of someone who has been in the situation and who sees how things could have been done differently. Thanks for taking the time to write.

I am not a stepparent, but I have observed the struggles first-hand in my own family and in the families that I interact with as part of my job. Here’s my take on the topic:

• Not everything can be “fixed.” There are some huge issues in this writer’s letter that indicate that the problems may not be solvable.
• Second marriages have a higher divorce rate than first marriages. Many of the issues deal with trying to blend families that simply don’t want to blend. Did the writer have any idea while she was dating her husband that his children were against the marriage? Did she get any hints that her new husband would not support her in her efforts to run the household? It seems like those big issues would be pretty hard to conceal.
• On the issue of children, they are the real victims in many troubled second marriages. They are expected to accept, take in, and love whomever their parent brings into the home, whether it be another parent figure or more children. They not only have experienced the loss of their parents’ marriage, but they now have to “share” their parent with a whole group of new people. From a child’s point of view, they have lost that parent. The only way many children have of conveying their hurt and anger is to act out towards the new parent figure.
• Most divorced parents entering new marriages are going to put their own children over their new spouse. The new spouse is typically going to be an “outsider” because the one parent and his/her children already have years of history. It is complicated further when both parents enter the new marriage with children in tow.
• Because of guilt over the breakup of the original marriage, many parents will not enforce discipline with their own children once they enter a new marriage.

Are there any possible solutions? A rare couple can get a second marriage to work out, but both partners must be deeply committed to making it happen. Many experts are now suggesting that divorced parents not even remarry until their minor children are up and out.

If couples decide to form a stepfamily, counselors often suggest that the disciplining of children be left to the natural parent. It sounds like the writer of this letter is trying to take charge of a situation when the children have no respect for her.

She's like the substitute teacher in the junior high classroom. The kids can simply say, “I don’t have to do what you say. You’re not my parent.” And the bottom line is that without the support of the children’s father, the kids are right.

She will get absolutely nowhere unless there is unity between her and her new husband. Otherwise, they might both be better off raising their own children alone or with the help of their own family members.

Learning From Others’ Sad Experience
Salt Lake City

Thanks for writing, Learning. You wrote some things that may be hard to read, but they needed to be said. Read on for the tale of a stepmother who made it work:

To all those stepmothers who don't know why blended families are so hard:

I am a stepmother who has also had a very difficult blended family experience, but after 14 years of marriage I have been successful. "Success" to me means that my marriage is strong, not that all my stepchildren love me.

I married into three stepchildren, and I have learned the following:

• The marriage relationship needs to be the priority. If your husband doesn't want you to discipline the stepkids, don't fight against him. Even though mothering instincts motivate you to parent them, it is better to let the biological parent take the lead on parenting his own children.
• Even though you wish all the children could be treated the same, you need to parent your own biological children the way the Lord prompts you. Even though permissiveness tends to become the default during conflict, it is not in the best interest for your kids do whatever they want.
• It is normal for teen stepkids to reject the new family. Their vision is to launch out on their own as soon as possible. My suggestion is to let them have their freedom, as well as the responsibilities that go along with it. Don't fight them on being with the family, or in developing a close relationship with the stepparent. They usually are not interested. Even biological children want to break away from their families as they graduate from high school.
• If stepkids take advantage of your taxiing services, they need to be taught to appreciate your efforts to help them. Teach them your time and service are a privilege. Even though our mothering instincts want to serve without appreciation, stepkids don't have any history of loyalty for you, so appreciation needs to be overt. Being a doormat does not help you or your relationship with the stepkids. It is better not to do any favors than to allow disrespect to continue.
• Your stepkids don't have to love you for the family to be successful. They can learn to respect you and be considerate, but you must insist on it. Your husband's support is essential too.
• Requiring respect is not the same as discipline. You do not have to be the one to make them clean the house, do dishes, and so on. If you want to maintain a clean home, you may need to do it yourself with your husband's help, or hire help.

Time is a healer, stepchildren grow up and move out, and you end up with your own children and your marriage even stronger because you've made it through the tough times together. If your conflicts with the stepkids are weakening your marriage relationship, please seek counseling.

I learned from counseling that mothering is not a bad thing. Your trying your hardest isn't the solution. Usually the stepmother becomes the scapegoat for all conflict. Stepping away from the intensity of the situation may not be instinctual, but you can diffuse the conflict by taking yourself out of the center.

The Lord will bless you as you ask for his help. The scriptures and prayer are comforts. If you'd like more specific advice, please e-mail me: teraduncan@hotmail.com

Tera Duncan

Thanks for some great specifics, Tera. It's great to hear from someone who succeeded at such a difficult task. It was good to hear from you what stepparents can expect, and what they shouldn't expect from their stepchildren.

Read on for a man's perspective:

I don’t know how to counsel the woman about the step-daughter who says she doesn’t love her; maybe “endure to the end” and love her through it is the best I can do for her.

I’m a guy who married (my first) into a family of five kids, three who eventually went with us (the two oldest staying behind with their father). So, not only did I get the burden of splitting up Mom and Dad, but I also was responsible for splitting up the family.

This was 20 years ago. My wife and I are still happily married today. What can I offer? Only what the prophets have said for years:

• Be sure of your marriage! The new kids will be a lot more secure if you show them constantly how devoted you are to each other and the strengthening of your bond. I’m not advocating ignoring the kids! I’m saying if you don’t do what the prophets have counseled and continuously fight for and support each other, especially in front of the children. Then the marriage is in jeopardy, and not from the kids.
• Never, never, never ridicule or snipe at or criticize the absent parent. If you can, along with your spouse, the three or four of you need to have as amicable a relationship as you can. This helps in establishing that you are not there to take the place of the absent parent; you’re there to fill your own role in your spouse’s life as well as the children. In my example, we celebrate marriages, births, blessings and holidays together with my spouse's ex. We are friendly with each other, and I have striven to show him I have not tried to take his kids away from him, which has helped in forming the union we have. I firmly believe that in the eternities, if we all make it, we all will be a part of a big “extended” family unit.
• You must be united in front of the children. You must spell out the boundaries, especially where it pertains to respect to the spouse, and the extent the new spouse will participate in discipline and punishment. If this is not established, with the new spouse at least being a ranking adult in the home. Completely removing all discipline rights from a spouse, step-parent or not, actually removes the status of “adult” in the eyes of a child, and the step-parent becomes even less than a teacher, policeman, or even church leader.
• Again, there is nothing more important than improving your marriage. Do all the two of you can to strengthen yourselves in the gospel, and in your marriage.

David

You had some terrific advice, David. It sounds as though you have gone to great effort to establish a relationship with the father of your stepchildren — and in your case, that effort has paid off. It's nice to know that with a lot of hard work on everyone's part there can be a happy ending.

I think that being a stepparent is one of the most difficult situations to deal with. I am far from an expert on this subject, but I have been through it and managed to come out fairly unscathed!

Shirley in Idaho's biggest problem is her husband. Without his support things will not improve. I'm sure counseling would help this family.

The following ideas worked well for us:

1. The parents must sit down and come to an agreement on how to handle various situations such as discipline, and so on.
   
2. Family meetings need to be held often to allow members to respectfully vent their feelings and come to agreeable solutions.
   
3. The stepparent really should not discipline the step-children. The "real" parent must be willing to enforce discipline as needed.
   
4. Stepparents must go the extra mile to show love and support for the stepchild. These children are often suffering extreme emotions and resentfulness. Many just need to know they are loved. They need hugs. This does not mean catering to them.
   
5. Chores and expectations must be the same for everyone. Stepchildren are not guests in the home. They need to feel like they are a part of the family. If any child does not complete his chores, then rides to activities can be refused until said chores are completed.
   
6. Do not talk negatively about the stepchild to your own children! The entire family should be recruited to make the stepchild feel a part of the family. Even if the stepchild creates the hostilities, it will be a lesson to others to turn the other cheek and continue to treat the offender with love and compassion. This is hard to do. The stepparent can take the lead.

The stepchild is threatened by his/her father's love for the stepmother. The child's father should be sure to spend quality time with her away from the family to reassure her that he still loves her and values her. The stepmother can offer to take her stepdaughter clothes shopping and out to lunch. A fun one-on-one time can do much towards healing an insecure child.

I suggest that the stepmom have a long, calm talk with her husband. Instead of being angry and defensive and belittling his daughter (whom he loves very much), she should explain to him that she does love his daughter; that she wants so much for his daughter to feel loved and accepted. Ask for his thoughts on the subject. Promise that you will not attempt to discipline, but instead ask him to be available to enforce the rules.

It's especially important that the father lets his children know that they are not allowed to yell, scream, or belittle his wife. The children must see that he loves and values his wife.

Good luck — and use a lot of prayer!!!

S. Bird
Washington, Utah

Great letter, S. Bird! I like the idea of enlisting the new husband's thoughts on the subject. A lot of the letters in today's column have felt a little combative about the husband, but I know this wasn't the intention of the writers. It's nice to be reminded that the husband and the wife are on the same team, and that parenting can and should be a cooperative effort even when stepchildren are part of the equation.

Okay, people, that's it for this week. We've got some more letters in my in-box, though, so keep reading next week for more on this subject.

If you have anything you want to add to today's comments, send your email circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com. Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam — and keep resending if your first email bounces. I'd rather hear from you seven times than not at all! And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

"In the little kingdom of a family, each spouse freely gives something the other does not have and without which neither can be complete and return to God's presence. Spouses are not a soloist with an accompanist, not are they two solos. They are the interdependent parts of a duet, singing together in harmony at a level where no solo can go."

Bruce C. Hafen and Marie K. Hafen