Creative Twists on the Giving of Service
By Kathryn H. Kidd

We’ve gotten a whole bunch of letters for Sleep-Starved in Seattle — the lady whose out-of-work husband had been stiffed after he was asked to perform a professional service for a ward member. The first half of today’s letters speak specifically to Seattle’s situation, but then the letters go off into some interesting tangents that apply to all of us. Read on for some sage advice:

I think you have to be firm but not mean in responding to those who try to take advantage of you for your service. I would say something like, 'You remember you promised to pay us for what my husband did? When can we expect payment? He is out of a job right now and I am sure when you make a promise to pay someone, you honor it.”

If that fails I would take the matter to the bishop. That is sheer dishonesty that they refuse to pay after promising it. I would also limit how much free service I did or else tell people up front that you can't afford to do it for free and have them pay up front. That is not being selfish or unkind.

A Reader in Las Vegas, Nevada

“Firm but not mean” is good advice, Las Vegas. It’s hard to implement that sometimes, though. I, for one, was born without a backbone. Maybe those of us who are spineless can chant “firm but not mean” as we head toward the fields of conflict. It could make a difference!

Your answer is quite simple (and all people who get hit up this way from well meaning members need to heed it):

Gee, Sister Smith, I'd love to help you. My consultation fee is $50.00 an hour (or whatever you feel is fair). If that's ok I'll schedule you in.

This is not a hobby it's a business that one would normally have to pay for. Everybody needs to pay
attention to that fact. If the Bishop asks, that's a whole other ball game.

Sister who's been there...
Salt Lake City, Utah

Good advice, Been There. If a person is in a position to pay, laying out the proposition up front could save a whole lot of anger down the road.

Speaking of anger, here’s a situation where suppressed anger made a service-oriented father unhappy. The thing is, as his daughter reports, the anger could have been avoided:

My father used to do work when asked, not be paid, and be angry at those he had done the work for. He once built a display case for a small-town bakery and they gave him a loaf of bread. Another time he did some cabinet work and wasn't paid. When he made things and sold them or collected Christmas trees for sale, he priced them far below their worth and value.

My feelings looking from the outside are these — I feel he wanted to show he was a "good guy" by doing things hoping for pay but not requiring it (or charging less than he should have). That image was important to him. My suggestions were that when asked to do something, he should have given — right then — the amount he would charge for the project, make it a marketable amount and require some of the money up front for supplies and then do the final completion after he'd been paid in full.

If he really didn't want to do the job, then make the amount charged really high. If they really wanted his skills and expertise, then they would have paid it and he could have done it. By not doing this, he was angry with people (expressed to his family, making it a negative feeling) and felt abused. If people don't agree with that scenario, it really is their problem and our value remains. We do not need to be walked upon to prove our worth.

If someone hasn't paid for a project completed after agreeing to do so, I would never answer another question or give help until the money was in my hand. It isn't being mean. It is respecting oneself and requiring respect from others. Getting expected terms in writing is a good thing for everyone — family, friends, ward members or strangers.

From Myrna in Arkansas

I know where your father was coming from, Myrna. It reminded me of a situation that happened to me nearly thirty years ago. Clark and I, who were newlyweds at the time, were asked to babysit someone whose family had a whole passel of young kids while the parents went on a well-deserved vacation. I don’t know how many children were involved, but it was at least five or six. For this service, they offered to pay us some ridiculous fee — something like five dollars a DAY.

I don’t know why, but this really offended me. If the parents had asked us to do it for free, we very likely would have performed the act of service without thinking twice about it. But the idea that our time was worth so little to them was upsetting in a major way. (Have I said that I was young and stupid then? It doesn’t matter, because a similar thing happened to me about ten years ago, and I got equally upset. Apparently this is something I still have to grow out of.)

We are all works in progress. From the person who abuses the service to the person who gets offended because the service she gives isn’t appreciated, we all have things to learn when we give and when we receive. I only hope we live long enough to do so!

My husband is also in a service business and has unfortunately had similar unpaid learning experiences. When called upon by the Bishop to render free service, he does so willingly. However, when individuals call we treat them just like any other customer.

We start by asking them to contact us on our business phone and only give that number out to others involved in the project. We plan a business hours appointment and have them sign the same Agreement for Service we have for everyone. If the service is prepaid for others, it is for them also. It is easier to ask for your money and collect it when you have kept it on a professional level from the start.

Since it is your business, it is your responsibility to keep the whole thing businesslike by making arrangements up front. Then there is no doubt that you expect to be paid so much as such and such a time.

My husband’s favorite saying is “No good deed goes unpunished” and we have found that doing professional favors just isn’t a good practice and can create hard feelings on both sides.

Richer for the experience in Kansas

I like the idea of giving out an Agreement for Service before the project begins, Kansas. That could save some hard feelings down the road.

Read on for an equally effective approach:

My mother has the same problem. She is a retired teacher and is also the fastest typist around, so many people ask her to type their school papers, or to check the grammar, but she ends doing the whole thing again, making the paper perfect. But she never gets paid.

I’ve told her she must hang a poster on the wall with the price of each service: $$ so much for typing, $$ so much for correcting, and so on. So if she is too shy to ask for payment, she just needs to point to the poster, without saying a word, or hand out a flyer with the same information printed on it when she´s asked for help.

Now, please, please, edit this letter because my English is terrible. (I should ask my mother, lol)

Perla from Monterrey, México

Your English was just fine to convey your point, Perla. I really like the idea of keeping the flyers on hand. Good idea!

Sleep Starved in Seattle brings forth so many issues. Some need to be dealt with in the walls of their own home, and some need to be dealt with by everyone in the church unit.

If you are earning a living (and you are entitled to your just wages), then you need to make that plain by behaving professionally to avoid misunderstandings. Her husband needs to learn to provide a reasonable estimate and terms when asked to do something that falls within "earning a living." For example: "That will probably cost you between $x.xx and $y.yy I'll need $z.zz when I walk in the door, the rest when I finish the job two days later. Is that OK, or do we need to work something else out?"

You can provide professional skills in service, but service provided without a willing heart is not a suitable offering to the Lord. Many of us have difficulty saying "no," and that may lead to resentment. May I suggest using the Church organization to assist? Most of us do our charitable donations through the Church, rather than tossing our money at every solicitation that appears to us. We can do the same with our personal assets of time and skills.

It works like this:

The bishop has responsibility for the welfare (spiritual and temporal) of everyone within the boundaries of the ward. He has the home teachers, visiting teachers, and the welfare committee to assist in this responsibility. He has the bishop’s storehouse as an asset to help fulfill the needs. (Did you know that the skills and substance of the members are part of that storehouse? That is one purpose of those forms they ask you to fill out in RS and the quorums.)

The bishop has the mantle and discernment to enable him to identify the real needs and to allocate *available* resources. Trust his office to direct your service assignments (it may be through the quorums, RS, personal discussion, or some other means). If you find that the service recipient is expecting much more than you thought you were to deliver, check with your church supervisor for further needs evaluation.

Greg in Ontario, Canada

You make a good point, Greg, that some of these situations may need to be dealt with in ward council. In fact, in some situations the best thing to do is to decide a blanket policy ahead of time and let the rules determine what will be done.

We used to live in a ward where the Relief Society president had such a love of service that sooner or later everyone was dependent on it. Pregnant women expected a baby shower for the tenth baby as well as for the first. Women had meals taken in for so long after childbirth that the meals were still being taken in when the youngster left for college. It had gotten way, way out of hand.

Then the Relief Society president moved, and the person who followed her was in charge of cleaning up the situation. She made a rule that showers would be held for first babies — period. She made a rule that meals would be taken in for three days after childbirth — period. She had a whole list of rules for similar situations.

Needless to say, this didn’t stop friends from hosting baby showers or taking in dinners for weeks if the situation warranted it. But once the rules were in place, it was easy to determine who needed an exception. And without the huge commitment of service that had been made under the previous Relief Society president, the service that was given under the tenure of the new Relief Society president was performed with a generous and cheerful heart.

When I was a young mother doing part-time sewing from my home, a wise bishop counseled me to remember this is a business and charge accordingly and to not let ward members take advantage of me. The important thing is to decide up front if you're going to provide a volunteer service or provide a business service. It's perfectly OK to tell a ward member up front what your fees will be.

If you rely on the goodness of the hearts of those you're doing the service for to decide what your time is worth, you are not in control of the situation and, as Sleep-Starved in Seattle came to learn, you can easily become resentful. But since you did not set the terms up front, you really have no grounds for resentment. You're just hoping people will pay you what you think you're worth. It's really in your hands.

My suggestion is to stop stewing over those you believe took advantage of you and your husband (forgive them and move onto peace), and determine when you'll charge and how much. You may decide to give a "member discount," and if you tell your ward members this, they'll feel like they're getting a deal. Everyone loves a discount!

Say something like, "Sure, I'd be happy to help you out. My normal price for this kind of service is ___, but for you (or because you're a ward member), I'm happy to give you a ___% discount."

L. Smith
Sacramento, California

You’re so right about everyone loving a discount, L. Smith. Thanks for a great suggestion!

Our family has had a few home businesses including giving music lessons and a film editing business. After some unhappy experiences, I have found that the first rule of thumb is to treat yourself and your work with respect if you want others to treat you with respect.

Don’t expect others to understand your situation or read your mind. Be clear about what you expect from the first conversation. This means you need to make some decisions as a family ahead of time about what kinds of things will be income work and what kinds of things will be service. Even if you’re only doing a little work, if you want to be paid, be businesslike. Buy a business license and make up a name for your service. You can print up business cards, estimates, invoices and bills on the computer.

When someone asks you to do something say, “I’d be happy to do that for you. My fee is such and such.” If they ask you at church on Sunday say, ”I’d be glad to do that. Please call me at home tomorrow and we can talk about the details.”

Don’t do business at church. Write down what you agree on. Don’t wait for people to pay; send them a bill in the mail.

Sue in San Diego

That’s a good point, Sue. If you want to be treated like a businessperson, it’s wise to act like one. And it’s especially important to remember that church is not a place for negotiating business deals. Thanks for the reminder!

I just read the letter from the sister who feels her husband has been slighted by someone in his ward for “service” he gave. This is a tricky topic — each of us is blessed with specific talents that should be used to enhance not only our lives, but that of others we come in contact with.

We are taught in the scriptures in Mosiah, “When ye are in the service of your fellow beings, ye are in the service of your God.” There are many we can serve and should serve with no thought of getting anything in exchange. It is up to us to decide how much time is too much time to spend on a service project.

Our service should not interfere with our stewardship to our family. Addressing this particular situation — if the sister said she would pay this brother for his help in transferring information from one computer to another then I would send her an invoice. I would add a little note to the invoice saying “I appreciate your offer to pay me for my time,” because she may simply have forgotten. In the invoice I would charge the going rate — $100 for 6 hours of computer work is a very good deal — and then discount the bill to only the $100 so she can see what a deal she got.

There have been many times in my life that I have been the recipient of service (professional service) and there was no charge. In turn I have had the opportunity to offer professional service (at no charge) to others. It’s kind of like that movie Pay It Forward. I think we certainly shouldn’t let ourselves be taken advantage of — but we have the power to either let or not let that happen.

I have found in my life that we all have an opportunity to serve others and sometimes it comes at a sacrifice. But I am grateful for those time that I know that my family has been the answer to someone’s prayer. I am grateful for the abilities I have and for the blessing and honor to serve my fellowman. I hope I’ve expressed myself in the right way and am not misunderstood.

Fran in California

Thanks for your letter, Fran. I like your reminder of the words of Mosiah. Sometimes we get so caught up in what’s “right” that we forget that.

This is a difficult subject. My family and I are very musical. My brother owns his own recording studio and makes his living doing music, arrangements, and vocals — among other things. He gets asked to do things all the time — and not for pay. He loves to help with musical things, but when do you decide between "service" and "paying the bills"?

I look at it this way: If you ask for someone’s professional help to do something, and you would have to pay someone else for it (whether or not he was a ward member) then you should pay for the service. It shouldn't matter if they are from the ward, a neighbor or someone on the other side of the city. Otherwise, it is taking advantage of someone's "kindness." Now, if someone offers to help — and he does the initiating — it becomes true service and doesn't necessarily require payment.

I also think that it is important to consider how much time is involved. There are a lot of gifted, talented, and knowledgeable people out there, but they still have to pay their bills!

B. Magleby
Idaho Falls, Idaho

You’ve got a good perspective on the situation, B. Your letter made me wonder if I’ve taken advantage of other people in that way. When someone has an unusual talent, it’s so easy to ask for some “advice” that may cross the professional line. You’ve given me food for thought.

I’m very glad that this topic has been raised. I am not going to identify my location in order to “protect the guilty.” I see a trend towards Church members asking for help on things that they should either be doing themselves or paying to have done. Here are some more examples:

A sister who was moving from her ward, divorcing her husband, and sending her five children to other family members while she looked for a job, asked the Relief Society sisters to come and paint her house so that she could put it on the market for over $600,000. My sister-in-law, in another ward, was also asked to paint a house prior to its being put on the market. Another person I am aware of was R. S. president in a ward where the sisters were always asked to clean houses from top to bottom of people who were moving from the ward. This last example was in a well-to-do area. My brother has also been asked numerous times by his bishop and by ward members to spend his weekends doing major car repairs for people — for free.

I have a real problem with these requests for help. Service is a critical part of our membership in the Church, but there are limits. There are times when we have to “grow a backbone” and simply say kindly, “I’m sorry. I am not able to do that.” If appropriate, we might offer to do something smaller: “This is what I am able to do.”

We might also offer to give names of companies or people who perform that type of work as their job. I do not believe even for a second that it is the job of Relief Societies to paint houses, or the job of the elders quorum to spend every Saturday moving people to and from the ward. I think it is the (unfortunate) job of bishops and Relief Society presidents to put the kibosh on many of these types of requests for help.

I do not want to sound harsh, but we do have to use good judgment in these situations. Each situation must be evaluated carefully, and we might ask questions such as these:

• What am I able to reasonably do without sacrificing my own family or finances?
• Will this amount of help be in the best interest of the person requesting the help?
• Will my help assist this person to be more independent or more dependent on others?
• Is this a one-time thing, or is it a pattern with this person?
• Is this in accordance with Church guidelines on helping people maintain self-respect?

Frankly, many people get themselves in way over their heads financially and otherwise, and expect others to bail them out. We must remember the counsel in Mosiah to do all things in wisdom and order, and not run faster than we have strength (Mos. 4:27).

President Boyd K. Packer has also given several talks dealing with personal responsibility. That’s what it boils down to. (See “Solving Emotional Problems in the Lord’s Way,” General Conference, April 1, 1978). There are many people who seem to make a profession of draining the physical and emotional resources of the wards they live in. We must, with the guidance of the Spirit and our own good common sense, set reasonable boundaries on our service to these folks. That is, in the end, in their best interest.

“Susie” from “Somewhere”

Your letter evoked a whole bunch of memories for me, “Susie.” For one thing, I’ve seen the agony my husband (a high priest group leader) goes through because people cavalierly assume the ward is going to move them — even at the great personal sacrifice of the ward members. It’s the rule rather than the exception in our ward for people to move out in the middle of a weekday, and just expect that ward members are going to show up to do the work for them. (Some have moved several times within our ward boundaries, compounding the problem.)

The elders are all working in the middle of the day, so the job falls to the high priests — most of whom have physical limitations that make heavy lifting a great hardship. Even when people are moving within the state, and have grown children who could help, it is just assumed the ward moving company will do the work when the time comes. Some people don’t even bother to pack their belongings in boxes!

On the other hand, we just don’t know the situation other people are in. Years ago, I was incensed when my husband had to go to the house of a “wealthy” family and paint a room or two — and this was especially grating because we needed some painting done in our own home and couldn’t fit it into our budget. It was only months later, when Christmas arrived and the bishop gave out a list of people in the ward who needed food for Christmas dinner, that I realized these “wealthy” people were living by the skin of their teeth. It taught me a much-needed lesson in taking care not to judge others — and in trusting the bishop when he says service really is needed.

Of course, sometimes there are situations where it’s hard NOT to judge others. Here is one:

We have a member of our ward who takes his family on vacations around the world and "moves in" on church leaders for housing, laundry, food, and hospitality, wherever they go. He visited Lima, Peru, where my brother was mission president, and also Singapore, where he ruined Christmas Day for a leader there. It's a real nuisance and I wonder what can be done about it.

A Frustrated Ward Member

I can see your point, Frustrated. There might not be a right answer to this one, though. As much as we might wish otherwise, kicking people in the shins is not considered appropriate behavior for most Latter-day Saints.

Now, as promised, here are some letters that veer away from advice to Sleep-Deprived in Seattle and offer creative suggestions for the whole topic of giving service. There are some good ideas here, so read on!

My husband and son home teach a single sister who is well known for using and abusing of service. One of the first things they did was to offer her a regular scheduled service time once a month with the understanding of the time limits of their availability. When she requested service they would ask if that was how she wanted them to spend their service time at the pre-arranged appointment.

When that question is asked she understands that they are willing to service but she had to select real needs. Often she re-thinks her requests and finds another way to take carry of her "needs."

Because I am a educator with experience with special needs children it is often assumed that I am more than willing to provide service in that area at all times and all places. I have a real love for these special needs children, so I find that I often am willing to service outside of my job setting. However, early in my career I learned that encouraging and supporting is more important than performing service. You can make a child and his family very dependent both physically and emotional by taking away their responsibility for their own care and growth.

This applies to many situations when dealing with requests for service. Listen, support, encourage, teach but let the person grow by allowing them to actually do the work. Dependent people used to using the LDS service-oriented organizations do not respond well to the idea that they must do the actual work. This is a red flag that your service is being abused.

Sister in Washington State

Thanks for writing, Washington State. You said two things that haven’t come up before. First, the idea of giving the recipient of the service a scheduled day and time to receive that service, letting it be her choice as to what service the home teachers perform, is an inspired idea. She still has control — and because she is given that control, she gets to determine how the service will be given. As you pointed out, this is giving her the opportunity to learn which of her “needs” are real and which aren’t.

Your second comment falls right on the heels of the first. Sometimes it’s better to encourage someone to help himself than it is to do the work for him. That may even be harder than doing it yourself, but the person may benefit in the long run.

In fact, here’s another reader who reaches the same conclusion:

The comment about the Law of Consecration [in last week’s column] made me think. When we covenanted to live the Law, we all promised to give what we could. When able-bodied members of the Church are taking more than their share of the service, are they really living the Law?

When I was growing up, my mother always stressed the importance of being self-sufficient. President Hinckley has urged us to be self-sufficient. Multiple lessons in Relief Society this month alone have also focused on being self-sufficient. Learning to rely on oneself for provision during the wet years is what prepares us for the dry years. When we take undue advantage of the welfare systems of both the Church and the state, then we run a huge risk of not being able to care for ourselves or our families in the times of famine.

So why not look at this problem from a different angle? Why not ask ourselves what we can do to help these "needy" people learn to take care of themselves? These are the things that the Enrichment program can address — teaching members the skills to address their own needs, whether it be computer skills, sewing skills, writing skills and making a decent dinner for one's own family. We cannot change how an adult was raised, but we can help change how the children of that adult are raised.

Rachel from Northern VA

You make an excellent point, Rachel. This goes back to the question of whether it’s better to give a man some fish and fill his belly once, or to teach him to fish so he can provide himself with a lifetime of food. Some people just aren’t capable of “learning to fish,” but most people are — at least to some extent. If you teach the skill, you’ll give the person the tools he needs to exist without the help. You’ll also give him the self-confidence he needs to be able to better function in this threatening world.

Our next reader has a dramatic story, telling us why we should be careful not to make assumptions about people based on the requests they make — or the tasks they refuse to do for themselves or for others.

No one takes advantage of us; we allow them to. One good policy is to not do businesses with fellow ward members. I have a policy of not using dentists, accountants, lawyers, and other professionals that I go to church with. Rarely have I strayed from this. When I do business with church members I try to make everything clear from the start, and a written contract is a good idea. Sadly for us, once when we got messed over we were unwilling to sue (LOL). We just took the hit and got over it. If you can't afford to take the hit, protect yourself.

For your writer from Seattle, I think her husband should clearly demand payment up front. I know exactly what she is talking about and it is kind of an institutionalized rudeness on the part of members. When I first saw it as a convert I was shocked. A contractor I knew retired and people wanted him to work for them for free because he had retired! He went back to work to keep them from bothering him.

Here is a great link to a popular t-shirt. This is exactly what Seattle’s husband needs!

Many people just have no clue, but it’s important to be careful not to make assumptions based on past experiences with other people. I was once extremely desperate for help with my kids. I had three small children, my husband had been traveling with work, and I was at the end of my rope. I called a sister to ask if we could trade kids (I watched other people's kids all the time) and she went off on me about how she never watches anyone's kids because they all take advantage.

The next sister I called knew me and knew I rarely asked for help. She took my kids even though she was moving that day! I am not making this up. Her kids were older and I could not return the favor directly, but I have watched many people's children who would never be able to reciprocate directly and was happy to do it. When I can't for some reason I say no.

There is balance in all things. Sometimes we go through a period of time when we just cannot help for some reason. Saying no is not a sin. Never helping and always helping can both be problems. We need some balance. Sometimes when people say no there is a good reason that is private and they don't want to share it with us. We need to respect that.

One ward I was in had labeled a sister as unreliable because she was called as a stake missionary with her new husband and she told them she could not leave her teenagers at home alone, but listed many ways she could help with publicity and other things. She got a reputation for not fulfilling her calling because she could not go out as they wanted her to.

About a year later her stepson moved out and she found hate letters toward one of her daughters and well as ammunition around his things. Unbeknownst to her, her daughter had been in extreme danger and might not have lived if she had ignored the prompting never to leave her daughter home alone. We really need to be careful about what we think about other people and assume the best. Naturally this sister did not know why she got her prompting until later and then did not share the story widely.

I often think we are placed here on earth to learn to communicate. Maybe when people are in callings that are new, getting to know the people they are responsible for well will help them to ask people to do things they can do. Keep asking people who say no and leave the ones who nearly always say yes for last.

Liz deForest

It’s great to hear from you, Liz. I really like what you said about finding a balance between always helping and always saying no. The individual circumstances need to determine what we’ll do, and when. And that’s what the gift of spiritual discernment is for.

Here’s a letter from a gentleman reader who also uses the power of discernment:

I read your interesting topic today, and wanted to comment. As a computer geek, I am often asked for advice on how to fix various problems, and sometimes this spills over into more involved work.

If the problem goes from simple advice to a house call, I generally draw the line at the ward member's ability to pay. I may not know all the details, but I think I have a good enough grasp on the financial situations of my fellow ward members to know when someone has the ability to pay, or when this is a great opportunity to use my skills to provide service.

A brother called me a couple of weeks ago and asked that I look at a computer belonging to a lady he home teaches (a single mom who struggles to make ends meet, holding down a job while going to school). I was able to clean up some viruses, diagnose a hard drive failure, and provide a replacement drive at no cost to her. When she thanked me, I said it was no big deal. Her response: "It was a big deal to me." It really was not a big deal for me to use my talents to help someone who was truly in need, but for her, it meant the world.

On another note, I have also bartered for things from free haircuts to car parts. Even if the other person doesn't have the ability to pay, they may have other talents they can offer in return. Isn't this the way the welfare system of the Church works? The church doesn't just provide an endless supply of support, but requires effort on the part of the recipient to find a job, enhance skills, or otherwise increase self-reliance.

Vaughn J. Featherstone said of the welfare system, "Each soul who receives maintains dignity and self-respect because each works to the extent of his or her ability for that which is received." In this light, I don't have a problem asking the recipient of my services to return the favor, if appropriate.

A Brother in Oklahoma

What a great idea, to suggest a bartering system in some situations. This goes a long way in helping a person who needs help keep his self-respect, but how often do we think to do something like that?

Thanks so much for the suggestion, and feel free to write any time you have something you want to say. Think of our column as “Circle of Saints,” rather than “Circle of Sisters.”

Okay, readers, thanks for your help for our sleep-deprived Seattle friend. Next week we’re on to a new topic. If you have any suggestions for future topics, please write to me at circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com. Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam. And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province or country. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

"Look not back in anger, nor forward in fear, but around you in awareness."

Ross Hersey

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