There are still people lined up around the block to tell the Missouri Grandma how to deal with her ADHD grandson.  There are lots of helpful people who read Meridian, and you’re what make this column work.

Let’s dive right in for today’s letters:

There are still people lined up around the block to tell the Missouri Grandma how to deal with her ADHD grandson. There are lots of helpful people who read Meridian, and you’re what make this column work.

Let’s dive right in for today’s letters:

Here are some thoughts from my many years of experience in working with ADHD kids in the school setting. I have taught for 25 years, including the past 10 years in 5th grade, working with lots of ADHD boys.

1. Medication alone is generally not as useful as medication along with interventions. Medication, as the sister pointed out, can have many harmful side effects, and should be strictly monitored if it is used at all. I have seen a handful of children for whom it has made a dramatic difference, but I think it should be a last resort.
   
   
2. Back to the interventions part: Adults working with ADHD children need to educate themselves on effective strategies in working with these children. ADHD kids are generally much more intense in their behaviors, and they require a lot of management and patience.
   
   
3. ADHD kids are often very intelligent and also quite manipulative. This is not a criticism; it is simply how it is. Adults need to learn skills in how to effectively work with these children. These skills include how to minimize arguing and control battles. One of the best resources I have found is the book, Meeting the Challenge: Using Love and Logic to help Children Develop Attention and Behavior Skills, by Jim Fay, Foster Cline, and Bob Sornson. This book is available at Amazon or at loveandlogic.com.
   
   
4. ADHD kids need a LOT of structure. This can be difficult when kids are being cared for by a relative. Grandparents by nature want to give a lot to their grandkids, and many grandparent caretakers give in to their grandkids — which exacerbates the problem. Once again, this is not a criticism, just a statement of how things are. I have had many students who have been taken in by their grandparents, and it is tough duty. Many grandparents simply do not have the energy that these kids require. Set up a fairly strict daily schedule, even during the summer.
   
   
5. ADHD kids require a lot of supervision, especially when they are playing with other children or with pets. They tend to be much rougher in their play and often in their language. Definite limits need to be set, and when children do not comply with the limits, there need to be consequences, such as time alone. Ten-year-olds usually want to be around other people, so time alone usually works well as a consequence.
   
   
6. ADHD boys require a lot of latitude to move around. Do not expect them to sit still; they simply can’t do it. Teachers and adult supervisors need to allow these kids to move. Physical activity is one of the best things for them. My students walk/run the track at our school daily, except during blizzard conditions. Contrary to what many people might believe, ADHD kids often do very poorly on organized sports teams because they usually do not have the self-discipline to be successful on a team. They have to be taught step-by-step what to do, and they need a very patient coach.
   
   
7. ADHD kids require frequent changes in activities — about every 10-15 minutes. They cannot stay with one activity for longer than a few minutes unless it is highly stimulating like a video game. But many professionals who study the effects of video games and other electronic media on these kids say that highly stimulating media activities rewire these kids’ brains so that they cannot increase their attention span. But some screen time might be necessary so that the caretakers can have a few minutes of peace.
   
   
8. Assign these kids chores and train them in every detail of how to complete the chore. Once again, use very short segments of time.
   
   
9. Focus on as many positives as you can find. See if there is a subject or activity that really draws the child’s attention (besides just video games). It is critical for these kids to have an adult male mentor — someone who can maybe build something with them and teach them some guy stuff. Women are great caretakers, but boys also need a strong male role model. The writer did not mention if there was a dad in the picture, but I assume there may not be. Several of my students with ADHD have had good mechanical aptitude. Let these kids have something to fix or to build.
   
   
10. Get help from other people. ADHD is so prevalent that there are likely parents in the ward/stake who have a lot of experience. Get ideas from them. Also, school systems have a lot of resources available, especially during the school year. There are also lots of books and materials in bookstores and libraries. Get educated and find interventions that fit your value system. It is critical once again, to learn how to minimize power struggles with these strong-willed children. That’s where the Love and Logic books are useful.

I know this is too long to publish, but maybe you can use some of the ideas.

Carol Gwynn
Salt Lake City

On the contrary, Carol. Your ideas were so informative that I couldn’t just publish a synopsis of them. Grandma needs better than that!

It was great to include a book — especially one that advocates love.  It’s nobody’s fault that he or she suffers from ADHD; it’s just the way he’s wired.  And the idea of a strong male role model to do projects with a boy makes good sense.  Thanks for writing.

Here’s another letter that talks about the power of love:

In my experience I have found ADHD children to be very special children.  They have giant spirits and are usually gifted in many areas.  I believe that when taught well and with much love and attention, they become great, creative, loving adults.  I keep wondering if they are special spirits sent for the last days to teach us.  These are some of the things I've noticed about them:

• They often seem obstinate and oppositional.  That is because they will not do things because they are forced to, or if someone is "guilting" them, or if someone is manipulating them.  They do things when they understand the reasoning and when they are inspired to do so.  It must be their choice.  It always must be their choice.  This is really the Lord's way, but it is very hard on the parents when the child is young and learning.  It takes a lot more time, patience, attention and love.  And teachers in today's school systems do not have that time or ability to give that attention.

• They learn much better by experience than by being told or lectured to.  They often learn better when they are moving.  In Primary when they are climbing the walls they are listening better than when they are sitting still, because they must move.  They sometimes will eat more if they can get up and wander around the table once in a while.  Just having them squeeze a ball or do something with their hands helps them learn better.  I personally feel that giant spirits are trying to squeeze into a little body, and just can't quite make things work.

• They are much more sensitive in every way.  They often have allergies and are sensitive to foods and the environment that make their behavior worse.  They are sensitive to the sounds around them, and often unable to selectively shut out what is unimportant.  They are sensitive to textures of clothes, and often cannot stand to have the tag on their clothes.  They are sensitive to emotions, and often the emotions the parents are trying to suppress will be expressed by these children.  For example, if a mother is angry about something, but is trying not to show it, the child will sense it but not know that the anger is not his, and he will start acting out the anger.  They are especially sensitive to criticism, and have their feelings hurt very easily, and if it continues they close up and don't respond to anything.  The closed ADD children will often spend hours with video games, or become addicted to drugs or pornography as they get older as a way to feel something good. 

• But most of all, they are very sensitive to love, and respond to love and example better than any teaching or punishment.  They are "attention-deficit."  So we must give them what they are deficient in.  The more loving attention they receive, the more calm they seem to become.  In our busy lives, in our busy schools, it is so hard for us to give them that attention that is so important for them, and when they don't receive it, they start acting out.  They do better in a classroom of fewer students where they can receive more attention from adults.  They are what some people may call "high maintenance" children, requiring a lot of time and energy.  When the entire extended family gets involved in helping the parents give the attention the child needs, it is amazing how well they do.

If you can't tell, I really love these children.  I honor the parents that have the job of raising them — it is often not easy.  I honor the teachers striving to deal with them in a crowded classroom.  It often is not easy.  There are no easy answers; medicine changes the symptoms for a while but does not teach the child.  If we begin as a society to view them as the special spirited children that they are, rather than problem children with brain damage that needs to be medicated, I think we will achieve much greater success with them.

Judi Moore

What a compassionate letter, Judi!  You helped a lot of people today.  I think a lot of parents will think differently about their children once they have read what you have to say.  Thanks so much for sharing your loving perspective.

Here are a couple of letters that talk about using drugs to treat ADHD — specifically Adderall, which was the drug that Grandma’s grandson was taking:

We have had two children with ADHD — both very different in their behaviors.  (There are now six different defined types.)  Our daughter’s medication helped her a great deal although she still had some behavioral problems with impulsivity.  Each child is different, and what works for one does not work for the other. 

There are many different medications to try. Adderall is not the only one, so you might want to change to a different type of medication.  The newest information on how to work with these kids from Scientific American (a science journal) is twofold for ADHD children.  They recommend medication as well as behavioral therapy. 

What we did is find a specialist in our area that works with children.  The doctor did the prescribing, but his nurse worked with us on behavior therapy.  A very unchanging specific schedule worked best for us.  They always to bed at the same time every night whether they fell asleep right away or not.  They had limited video games as well as TV because that seemed to exacerbate the situation. We also made sure they ate a balanced meal on time. 

As far as the behavior natural consequences for their actions, a lot of the time they will not understand it but it is part of a conditioning of their brain.  It is important to not just ask them what they want, but to give them a choice between two options — “You can either do this or do that.”  This narrows down things for their very busy minds.  I am not sure if this will help in your situation but it worked for us. 

Just so you know, as they get older they don’t think they need their meds and they will probably fight you all the way on this.  So it is best for you to find the right med now and get the child into a routine so it will be less of a struggle later. 

I wish you all the luck in the world.  It is a hard road and the only other advice I can give you is to make sure you take care of yourself and periodically give yourself a break.  Whatever decisions you make, make it a clear decision in your mind so that you are not wavering.  These children are very bright and very good at seeing indecision or empathy as a way to get out of doing what they need to do. 

Joan

P.S. My husband is also ADHD, which is a different subject in and of itself.

Thanks for writing, Joan.  And you probably have thousands and thousands of people wondering just what it’s like to have a husband with ADHD.  You have whetted our collective curiosity!

No sooner does our curiosity get piqued, than it gets satisfied.  Our next parent is a man who describes what living for ADHD is like for him:

As the natural father of three children with ADHA and the adoptive parent of two children with it, I have some idea of what you are going through.  It’s difficult at times, but Adderall is not the only drug that is available to treat this with. 

We have not had much success with Adderall with our kids. I don't know why; it just never seemed to work for them.  I know that doctors basically make their best educated and experience lead choice, but ask them to try some of the other drugs out there for that have shown to work for this problem too. 

I know that my children have rare times had headaches, but it was from a sudden stoppage of the medication, they need to be stepped down slowly over a period of time.  I also know that once the meds are correct, it's like a whole new world opens up to the kids and to those around them.  I watched my first son come home from the doctor’s visit with a sample drug dose.  He sat done at his Lincoln log set, which he had gotten for Christmas four month earlier, and was for the first time able to stay with it and build something beautiful from it.   He played with it for about two hours, and not in a zombie-like state, either; he had fun for the first time with his new toy.  It's like having a new pair of glasses fitted for you; you never knew what you where really missing until you got the new ones. 

I know this because I went through 45 years with out understanding that I had ADHD also.  It runs in families.  To explain it in my life, it was like having my common sense speed increased to match the speed that my mind was traveling.  Suddenly I could focus on books, or hear what people were saying without having my mind wander all over the place.  I also stopped getting hurt on the job, by just having a small portion of a second to think about a safer way to do something rather than by acting on impulse to get the job done. 

I also stopped blurting out things that just popped into my mind.  Usually they were really funny things, but they got to the point where I was making fun of others at their expense and I really felt bad afterwards so that I needed to say I was sorry for hurting them with my words. 

The past five years have been a wonderful time in my life.  When I'm on my pills, I'm more relaxed around the kids, I can focus on what I need to with out having to really push to stay focused, I get little jobs done around the house (that I had been putting off for years).  For me and my kids, the drugs have made all the difference in the world.  They supply something there for whatever reason — the something that our bodies are lacking.  It's like being a diabetic — no one wants to have to take drugs to live a normal life, but I know what I am with and without them. 

If the doctors your grandson is seeing don't have the answers, or can't seem to solve this problem, keep looking.  Life moves way too fast to miss out on it, and we have too many important things to get done while we are in it.

Pete Crane
Provo, Utah 

Pete, thanks so much for giving us a glimpse into the mind and life of someone who has ADHD.  Your letter did more than just satisfy our curiosity; it also helped us empathize with the ADHD situation.  You performed a real service today.

Here’s a letter from another grandma who is helping her grandson deal with ADHD:

I am a grandmother helping my 7-year-old grandson with possible ADHD and possible bi-polar disorder. I had to home school him the remainder of this past school year because his teacher was afraid of him and he was hurting children, along with failing. Meds aren't helping him either.  We are giving him herbal supplements including kelp, chlorella, spirulina and fish oil along with 5 HTP and chamomile tea.   They do better than the prescriptions and he isn't a zombie or crybaby.  Anger being an issue, I am trying to teach him coping skills, such as take a time out, go lie down for a few minutes, count to ten, wash face with cold water, and other things.

I divert his attention when he starts to get too wound up.  In schooling, I send him out to play for ten minutes or change the subject if he is too frustrated or wound up with it. Home schooling has helped him but I cannot continue doing it so have asked the school for an aide for him next year.  Hopefully, with the doctor’s note, they will be able to have an aide to oversee him during school. I sympathize with the other grandmother — there's more than one of us trying to help these poor children.  This child is actually very loving, but for very little reason can do some awful, hurtful things.

Diane in Arizona

Thanks for your help, Diane.  It’s always great to hear from a person in the same situation as you are, and your own life sounds similar to that of the grandmother who wrote in to us.

Your coping skills sound like great ideas!

The rest of our letters today are in the short-and-sweet category.  None of them are more than three paragraphs long, but all of them contain excellent suggestions.  Here they are:

Hello.  I am a tutor of children — ages 4 to 17— and I also have experience with rebellious ADHD teenagers.  I recommend reading books from the Arbinger Institute such as The Anatomy of Peace and then Leadership and Self-Deception. They are both engaging fast reads.  You will be amazed; you will discover hope, faith, and happiness; most of all, you will gain understanding and experience great awakenings.  Share all of this with your family and the results will humble you and fill you with gratitude.  My family and I made this great discovery through the ANASAZI FOUNDATION in Arizona. 

A reader in California

**

Please tell the grandmother to boost his intake of Omega 3 fats, particularly in flax and fish oils.
There also may be the possibility that he has some food allergies.  Another suggestion I have would be to try different medications besides Adderall.  Both my son and I take
Concerta and it makes a difference for us both.

I hope these suggestions help.

Barbara Brull

**

Tell Grandma that others have found great improvement with Rapid Eye Technology.  She can learn more on the website www.rapideyetechnology.com.  R.E.T. saved our family so much grief!  We only wished we had found it sooner! 

Alternative health book reader from Utah

**

Here are my suggestions, from things I have been hearing:

Also, the grandson sounds like he needs to learn how better to relieve stress before it builds up and he explodes.  He needs better ways to express that he is stressed or frustrated — like writing it out, using his words, hitting a punching bag, and so on.

Nameless from somewhere

**

Have you looked into magnetics? I know a lot of people that have the same problems with the medication. And by using magnetic sleep systems, magnetic necklaces, or proper nutritional aids, these kids have been able to come off their meds all together. They can have normal lives and grow like children should, instead of stunting their growth by taking the meds. I know the parents of these children would be more than happy to talk with any one who is looking for something different, because they could have a whole new world with their children. It is definitely worth looking into. I myself have been able to come off five years of antidepressants. And many more wonderful things have happened in my home since we started using magnets. You can go to www.nikken.com/4family for more information.

P.S. Magnetics could possibly help the mom also.

Tanya Turnovec
Buhl, Idaho

**

As a day care provider I am required to have training annually.  This year I took an online course on ADHD.  This was the first course that I really found helpful.  The course explained the different types of ADHD and other learning types.  It also introduced many different types of treatment without using medication.  I was really impressed and wish I could forward the course to everyone I know.  But, it has to be purchased through www.carecourses.com and go to the e-courses section.  Here is their address:  Care Courses, PO Box 10526, McLean, Virginia  22102.   It was a very small fee, and I feel it would be well worth it for all the wonderful information it teaches.  For anyone who would like to learn of alternate ways to help people with ADHD, I strongly recommend this course. 

Jay from Lolo, Montana

**

I wish I could help, but basically the child either outgrows it or he doesn't.  ADHD is a chemical imbalance in the brain.  We are living in a 33 1/3 rpm world and these kids live in 78 rpm. It is frustrating all around!  My grandson, whom I raised from birth, is now almost 17 and still knows that medication CHANGES him from "normal" [to him] to SOMEONE ELSE.  So he refuses to take it.   What else helps?  Carbohydrates, mainly.

He willingly eats raw topramen when he is upset!   I think that aromatherapy also helps.  Lemon balm, geranium, sandalwood — they all help create serotonin in the brain. [Find a scent that you like!]  Getting a kid like that to sleep is something else!!  When he was small, I used to read to him — sometimes for an hour — he would be very upset if I left the room before he was sleeping; I think it was a comfort just to hear a voice.  He is still afraid of the dark.

There is a lot of information on ADHD, both in books and on the internet.  Good luck!

Marie Brito from Spokane, Washington

**

A friend of mine had a son with ADD.  She was extremely opposed to treating him with drugs, so researched other means of helping him.  One suggestion, which seemed to help her son a great deal, was given to her by a dietician.  It seems that his blood sugar level would go too low about mid-morning and that is when he would have the most trouble with his attention.  To help maintain a more even blood sugar level, she would make sure that he had not gotten so much sugar that it would cause a sudden drop later.  Another thing she did was to give him half a peanut butter sandwich about a half hour before his "drop" time.  The protein in the peanut butter would help to keep his blood sugar from dropping so fast.  I'm not sure if this would do any good with the hyperactivity or other problems, but half a peanut butter sandwich seems like so little trouble that it would be worth a try.  Good luck.

Beth Stevens (Queen Creek, AZ)

Thanks, Barbara, Tanya, Jay, Marie, Beth, and you nice anonymous people, for your suggestions.  Not all of them will help all people — but any of them will help some.  Thanks for sending in some great ideas!

Our last letter today comes from Australia:

I read your column and could hardly wait to reply.

My daughters recently went to a seminar about the hidden dangers in our foods and products we use.

The speaker at the seminar is a mother of a child with ODD (a worse form of ADHD).  She determined to find out how she could help her son, as the medications prescribed for him all had side effects and she intuitively knew there had to be another way.  After years of study she and her husband have pinpointed the hidden dangers in much of our processed foods from colors, preservatives, chemicals, and other additives.

These chemicals are in things we use every day apart from food, like toothpaste, hair products, bubble bath, and other products.  They trigger ADHD, asthma, and even cancer.

If this sister could go to www.hiddendangers.com.au  it will tell her more, and if she wished to email me slhunt@tpg.com.au I could send her a list of the codes to be careful of in the list of ingredients in foods.  I am assuming that the law in USA is the same as in Australia where these codes must be listed on the packaging.

I fully believe that a change in this little boys diet will give you the answers that you need, and a new life for him.

Sue from Brisbane, Australia

Thanks so much for writing, Sue.  Your letter made me more than a little embarrassed, because although I stay away from chemical additives in food, it never occurred to me to stay away from some of the other products I’ve been using.  It reminded me of the time we went to Mexico and refused to drink the water — but we brushed our teeth in it every night.  Sometimes we get caught up in the big things and forget about the little ones.

We have only about a zillion more letters on this subject. Tune in next week.

Until next time — Kathy

The vitality of thought is in adventure. Ideas won't keep. Something must be done about them.

Alfred North Whitehead
English philosopher (1861-1947)