Coping with Depression and Other Ailments
By Kathryn H. Kidd

We have a couple of new letters about moms with disabilities, but first I wanted to address the topic of what we should do if the disability is clinical depression. Our At Home columnist, Daryl Hoole, received the following letter after she and her daughter, Elaine Hoole Quinn, wrote an article about Elaine's experience running a home when she had clinical depression. Click here to read that article.

I thought all of you might benefit by reading what Daryl and Elaine had to say in response to this letter. Here is the letter, followed by their response.

I have a friend who is a recent convert to the Church, is widowed, and her closest family member is a thousand miles away. She is clinically depressed and on medication.

I appreciate your daughter Elaine's story on Meridian in February entitled, “It's Like Walking Through Molasses — How One Woman Managed Her Life and Her Home While Dealing With Depression”. The practical advice, encouragement, and hope it offered were very helpful to her.

She looks to me as a cheer leader and a source of support. I am happy to do whatever I can for her. I go to the doctor with here and remind her to put on her “smiley face.” I made her a “First Aid Kit” containing a copy of the scriptures, some inspirational thoughts and music CDs, and so on, as you suggested in your story. But I would appreciate some additional specific ways by which I can serve her. What does she need from me?

My question is, how can you help me help my friend?

Daryl and Elaine's response:

What a wonderful friend you are to this lady! You are already doing a great deal to bless and help her. Making a “First Aid Kit” is a splendid gift for her. Following is a list of suggestions for your consideration:

1. You mentioned that your friend referred to the “First Aid Kit” as something to make her “happy.” I have joked in such a way myself, yet there is always a kernel of truth in every joke. So it is important for people suffering from depression (as well as their friends) to understand that depression is not the opposite of happiness. The opposite of depression is wellness. People who are depressed feel so hopeless and sad that they often think depression is the absence of happiness. That is not true.

   When you are well and feel good, you are able to experience the full spectrum of emotion as appropriate. It is a sign of wellness or well-being to truly feel what is consistent to what is happening in your life. Becoming well after being depressed, brings a sense of relief to know that your body can readjust and that sad feelings are temporary and that a feeling of “well-being” comes back. The feeling of well-being is what is desired.

2. Help your friend maintain a proper perspective. Because depression's symptoms distort one's thoughts and minimize one's capacity to see things in their proper light, it is important for you as her friend to communicate (in a non-threatening way) encouragement, understanding, concern, and love.

3. Help her communicate with her professional care givers. I am glad you're able to accompany her on her medical appointments. Two sets of ears are better than one, and you can help her recall and apply the counsel she has received.

4. It is very helpful for your friend to keep a medical journal in order to track her condition. I used a 1 to 10 scale for rating my days. I would also list the medication I was taking. I would express my feelings and insights. This journal was a great resource to both my doctors and me.

5. You can help her a lot by encouraging her to go on walks every day. Maybe you can even walk with her. Exercise is vitally important to a person with depression. It is good for them to get out of the house for a while each day.

6. Encourage your friend to eat well and to have good sleeping habits. Depression causes many body rhythms to be disrupted. Helping her to be well nourished and to get the proper rest is highly beneficial.

7. Help your friend to take her medication consistently every day and to follow doctor's orders. Frequently when a person starts to feel better, they decide they no longer need to take medication. Going off medication needs to be the doctor's decision. Discontinuing medication, adjusting the dosage, or taking a different kind must be regulated by the doctor.

8. Suggest that your friend expand her circle of cheerleaders. Providing support and encouragement can be time consuming. Although having one main friend who understands all the facts and can be her advocate is good, it is important that she also has a larger circle of understanding friends. This provides additional resources for support and fresh perspectives.

9. One more thing. You can be her “eyes” and “ears” and call attention to articles, talks, and other information that could be helpful to her about depression, gospel living, being filled with hope, being of good cheer, and having faith in the Lord. The Church has excellent resources that as a new member she may not be acquainted with, and there are other edifying materials available. She will undoubtedly appreciate your increasing her awareness. Would she enjoy a subscription to the Ensign if she doesn't already have one? Does she know how to access free material on line such as Meridian Magazine? Resources such as these could be added to her “First Aid Kit.”

Thank you, Meridian reader, for writing. It's good to know there are loving, caring people like you in the world who are true friends to others. I'm sure you're a lifesaver to your friend who doesn't have family close by. In fact, you are her family.

We hope the above list will give you the ideas you're searching for so you can “be there” for her. This is true charity, the pure love of Christ.

Thanks, Daryl and Elaine, for your wise counsel today. I'm sure you've helped many with your suggestions.

Readers, if you aren't familiar with Daryl's Meridian column, click here to read more of what she has to say. She is also the author of a most excellent book, The Ultimate Career, which helps homemakers with the art of keeping a home. Read on for two letters from readers who have their own advice for disabled moms:

I loved reading the letters that explained how illness can be a real blessing. Heavenly Father loves each one of us perfectly, knows each one of us perfectly, and provides perfect experiences/trials/challenges to help us become the perfect daughters He knows we can be.

I love what Richard G. Scott said in a talk in the October 1995 General Conference; I'll paraphrase here: "The process of being enlarged is painful; your Father in Heaven will not make you suffer even a moment longer than is absolutely necessary ... He will provide help ... and packets of sunlight along your path (through kind acts and service from others) to help you endure your trials... It is possible to experience joy in the midst of sorrow — even deep sorrow." (I hope I did Elder Scott justice; please forgive me for not looking up the talk and quoting it verbatim!)

I find it truly comforting (I'll confess — often times in retrospect ) that a loving Father in Heaven is giving me experiences, through illnesses, that are helping me "neutralize" my over-zealous, controlling behavior! The trials just keep coming (I guess I'm a tough case). However, I can honestly say I am growing spiritually, I'm overcoming some of my weaknesses, my husband and I are learning to trust in the Lord more than we ever have, and my children are rising to the new demands being required of them. (They will turn ten years old in April and have pretty much been doing most of the daily housework for the past couple of years).

Contrary to what one might think, the children are not reluctant or resentful of their responsibilities. They are becoming proficient, self-confident, and eager to contribute to make our home a place where the Spirit will want to dwell. Just as the prophets have counseled, children need to be taught to work; they need to learn the satisfaction that comes from a job well-done, they need to acquire self-discipline and a sense of responsibility — and these qualities aren't gained without many opportunities to learn them. I can honestly say I am grateful (and yes, even joyful — albeit in retrospect) for the many opportunities my/our illnesses have given each member of our family to learn eternally valuable lessons.

So you'll know where I've been, here is a condensed version of my story. After 10 years of trying to conceive a child I became pregnant with triplets. I was put on bedrest at 16 weeks, and the children were born at 27 weeks + 1 day. I was not allowed to drive for seven weeks after they were born; the Relief Society mobilized to drive me to and from the hospital during the day (while my husband was at work) for the seven weeks I wasn't allowed to drive. The babies all spent approximately two-and-a-half months in the neonatal unit.

All three babies were on apnea monitors and needed to be fed every three hours (I chose to nurse and supplement with bottles).  Caring for three premature infants forced  me to accept help from anyone willing to offer it. Their/our first year became a "jump into light-speed" as far as personal growth was concerned!

When the triplets were 22 months old I started having numbness in both feet and a daily headache in the back of my head on the right side. I thought I could tough it out, so I didn't seek medical attention. I finally got help from a chiropractor when my children were 4 1/2 years old! By that time, I was waking up 12 to 14 times a night from the pain; I was grumpy (what an understatement!) very short on patience, almost constantly frustrated, and my coping skills were pretty much nonexistent. I felt VERY disappointed in myself and my mothering.

One would think these experiences would have given me a much need course-correction, but no! I still needed more help from Heavenly Father in learning to overcome my overzealous need to try to control everything ! During the next five years (2002 -2006) my husband had to change employment three times, he was hospitalized and almost died, lost the vision in his right eye, had 13 laser eye surgeries, and had open heart quadruple bypass surgery. 

During this time I broke my right elbow and tore all the ligaments in my right forearm. I had a breast cancer scare, became clinically depressed after my husband's heart surgery, developed GERD (reflux). Sadly, when I'd breathe in, my esophagus would sometimes start to spasm, I'd gag, then throw up, and then lose bladder control. To make matters worse, if I wore incontinence pads I'd a lways get a urinary tract infection because I was allergic to the deodorant in them. Yikes! What a mess!

I was evaluated for a stroke (mercifully, none was present). I was admitted to the hospital with chest pain, shortness of breath, and an irregular EKG. I underwent an angiogram two days later. 

Some of our friends and family ask when all of our trials and illnesses will stop. Truth be known, I've stopped asking that or even wondering about it; I really can see (if even just the smallest little bit) that the Lord is helping me and my husband overcome some of our weaknesses through these trials. We are indeed, growing closer to Him, trusting Him, and striving to follow Him with more earnest effort than we ever before have. Our Illnesses have become our stepping stones of faith! 

Now for some practical advice Are you ready for this "short" list?:

1. Get (and use) foam ear plugs — don't let your pride get in the way! You can still hear everything when you're wearing them, but the decibel level is significantly lowered, and consequently your patience level and coping abilities are significantly raised.
2. For each time you remind yourself of one of your failings as a mom/wife, remind yourself of one of your successes as a mom/wife.
3. Try to get adequate rest — I firmly believe (and have personally tested!) the adage, "With sleep all things are possible!"
4. Hug your children/husband/friends more than usual — lots more! (There are proven healing powers in hugs!)
5. Take four deep, cleansing breaths every half hour; cultivate a taste for water and sip it constantly throughout the day; get outside in the sun light/fresh air — if possible. (Even five minutes can do wonders for you!)
6. Give yourself permission to take time to be sick, to get better, to heal.
7. Smile at yourself in the mirror every time you go to the bathroom and say out loud (a whisper is o.k. too!) "I (s ay your name ) am a beautiful daughter of Heavenly Father, and He loves me!"
8. Be kind to yourself — whatever that may involve or require!
9. Don't forget to pray — keep a mental dialog going with the Lord all day and all night, if need be.
10. Exercise faith and ask for a Priesthood Blessing.

Remember there is, for each one of us, a time to receive; illness is one way that the Lord better positions us to receive !

Kathleen Chin
Modesto, CA

P.S. As a wonderful blessing from all of my/our time being ill, my parents were able to see, first hand, the church and its members in the full-swing of Christ-like service. Seeing all of this motivated my mom to investigate the Church. She was baptized in 2000 and has since been to the temple. My dad has received a priesthood blessing, participated in the first missionary discussion, attended our triplets' baptism and given the closing prayer. He's coming along! Indeed, I am humbled to see how the Lord has used our illnesses as vehicles to bring my parents to a knowledge of the restored Gospel. For this alone, it's all been worth it!

Thanks for a big glass of lemonade, provided by your positive attitude about your trials, Kathleen. You're an inspiration to all of us! Read on for an anonymous letter from a reader who learned the hard way that self-pity just isn't going to take a person through hard times: 

I just read the Circle of Sisters stories of compassion and had a couple of comments.

One, most people are really trying to do what they can and shouldn't be judged.  We need to realize that the people around us are human just like us and are trying but will not always do the right thing.   

Two, you cannot expect people to read your mind.  If you tell everybody you don't need help, then what do you expect them to do for you?  Sometimes you need to just let people know what your needs are.  

Realize that there is something to be learned from all you're going through.  You can learn to listen to others more effectively.  You will be able to be more compassionate towards others if you let God heal your heart and get over being bitter.  When you stay bitter and judge everyone's actions, it is Satan controlling you and stopping your progression back to your Heavenly Father. 

There is hope when you truly seek God and let the Atonement heal your heart.  I speak from experience and understand how it feels to truly feel all alone.  The best lesson I learned is how Satan wanted me to be miserable and was stopping me from being the person God could see.  Everyone needs to hang in there and trust in God's plan.

Thanks for a reminder, Anonymous, that although we may not be able to control the circumstances of our lives, we can certainly control how we react to those circumstances. Ultimately, the kind of person we become is a choice we all make.

Next week we really will have a shiny new topic for you. Until then, if you have a problem you want addressed in this column send your email to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com . Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam.  When you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

“The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it,
to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not,
and never persist in trying to set people right.”

Hannah Whitall Smith, 1902