More Help for Disabled Moms
By Kathryn H. Kidd

We got some great letters this week, offering advice and encouragement for Sue in New Jersey, who asked what women to do to cope with disabilities when they are trying to be a mother and homemaker.  I knew Meridian’s readers wouldn’t let her down!

Read on for some fascinating points of view from women who are in the trenches — or who have been there.

I have been dealing with MS in some form or another for a lot of years but it didn't really slow me down until about five years ago (when I had to give up driving).  I felt the loss most on the holidays.  I was used to taking our two boys who were still at home to do their Christmas shopping and then pick up all the little things that go into making the holidays.  I felt displaced. 

But then our older children started including the boys in their shopping trips and in life in general.  And I started to crochet gifts.  The hats and grandbaby blankies were well received and I could do them sitting down.

The housekeeping goes forward because my sweet husband John switched his job to home so he could be closer to the action.  We changed the way we think about cooking and meal prep by switching to a lot of frozen foods available at a good price from a local store that sells mostly house brand things.  I usually make the list and John does the shopping.  On days that I feel up to it, I cook things that will last several meals, but we still rely on a lot of salads and quick fix foods. 

To simplify laundry we invested in a little more underwear to spread out laundry days.  I wash about four loads on one day and then fold on the second.  I put away John’s and my clothes right away, but kids’ clothes often gets left in a clean hamper for several days — whatever works.  Our middle school son has learned to start a load in the evening if he wants to wear something special the next day. 

John has taken over keeping the kitchen picked up and we use a lot of paper plates (I know, some people would gasp but they really work good for microwaving and kid foods).

Our house is far from sparkling but our sons still enjoy bringing their friends home.  Mom may walk with a cane but at least there is a mom here.  It's all good.   

Ruth Morgan
Broken Arrow Oklahoma

I really appreciated your letter, Ruth, because our house runs quite a bit like yours does.  In our case it’s my husband, Clark, who is (temporarily, we hope!) dealing with the cleaning and the other responsibilities.  Every day I count my blessings — as I’m sure you do — because not everyone is so fortunate to have a John or a Clark who understands these things and is willing (and able!) to take things under control.  In fact, read on for a letter from a reader who had to learn to do it without the help of a husband:

I enjoyed the comments in the article about running a household when Mom is sick.

I too have been very ill most of my life. I had a hard time raising my children. I suffered much pain and sorrow. I didn't have support from my ex-husband to help with household chores. I lived far away from my family at times, and they couldn't help me.

It is hard to keep an house organized being ill. I had lots of stress when my housework seemed to be undone. I did have my children help but when they are very young, they can't do lots of responsibilities. I didn't want people to judge me wrong for my house not being perfectly clean.

Now, even though my children are grown, I still need help. I have been hurt by ward members who don't think I am very ill.  They say they can't help me clean house; they can't drive me to doctor appointments. I know people are busy, but when people can't help you, it is a hard trial. We have to just do the best we can day by day. This is a lesson I am still learning.

Sad to say, I once heard women in our ward complaining about helping some families for long periods of time, because they didn't want to be taken advantage of with doing service. One of the people they complained about was divorced and bedridden for several months.

Because of some bad experiences when I asked for help from church members, I feel embarrassed asking for help. I don't want to complain about others’ shortcoming, but we need to help our sisters with compassionate service. We should not be fearful or embarrassed asking for help.

Charity Never Faileth is the Relief Society Motto, it takes sacrifice, love, and faith to serve our fellow beings. We shouldn't complain, judge wrongly, criticize, and ignore doing compassionate service for all people.

Praying is the biggest help I can have. I hope God will give me strength to endure my health trials. I love doing service to others when I can; then God blesses my life and the people I help. That is what the gospel is about. Praying for charity is very important. It can help us to be more Christ-like and have love for one another.

Anonymous Sweetpea

You make good points, Sweetpea.  We shouldn’t be complaining about the opportunities we have to do service.  Rather, we should be looking for opportunities without being asked.  Thanks for the reminder that all of us can serve — even people who, like you, are facing their own health crises.

Read on to find another reminder that “charity never faileth.”

I find it a little troubling that many of the sisters that wrote (and many in my acquaintance, including myself) find much criticism instead of the unfailing charity that is part of our Relief Society.

I guess that puts the human element into the picture. I find when I don't take care of my health issues, I don't have the time and energy to look to the needs of others. But I too have failed to ask for help, taking on too much when I felt improved health, only to fall back due to taking on too much.  This creates a circle of frustration. 

Why do we let the opinions and attitudes of others push us into unrealistic expectations? 

We will always come across others that are narcissistic (self-centered).  Let us be Christ centered, allowing for our own personal frailties [and those of our acquaintance] and letting the spirit guide us in our personal decisions.

And may the good Lord continue to bless us to be grateful for life experiences that teach us our individual strengths.  Without trials, we wouldn't know of our capabilities.

A fellow sister in Zion (Montana)

Thanks for the reminder, Montana, that we need to take care of ourselves in order to have the strength to take care of others.  I especially like what you wrote about our trials teaching us our capabilities.  Nice!

I have lived with fibromyalgia and rheumatoid arthritis for the past 21 years. My family is grown and married and I don't live near them, but wish I did. They are married now with their own familes, but I will always remember when they were young boys and I suffered very badly with pain. All the doctors would do is give me pain killers, which I told them were no good as I had a family to take care of and couldn't be sleeping all the time.

I was finally put on prednisone (which I know is a very bad drug to be on — but when you are in pain you have to function somehow). I loved my family and I didn't want them growing up and only remembering that their mother was sleeping all the time. I always kept the house organized (I would do a little every day). The children would help by vacuuming . My main concern was to have a good meal on the table every night (I felt that was a very important part as a family that we ate together.)

I would cook my meat in the oven as then I didn't have to stand over it and watch. My family liked chicken and roast and that was easy to do in the oven. Long before supper time, I would get the vegetables ready to cook and put them in a pot and cover with water. That way when it was time to get supper going, it wasn't everything at once. I was usually too tired to set the table, so the family did that.

I always kept the clothes washed and put away, because I felt if they had clean clothes and food to eat, everyone would be happier. It was important to me to have a happy home. It wasn't always easy but it was important.

I did things in steps and still do. I would mix up the cookie dough, then freeze it in containers. When my young family wanted cookies we just had to put the dough on cookie sheets and bake.

If a birthday party was coming up, I would bake the cake maybe a couple of weeks before, put it in the freezer, when frozen take and wrap in plastic and put it back in the freezer. Another day I would mix up the icing.  I always used boiling water instead of milk.  That way the icing wouldn't sour. I would put the icing in containers and leave in the fridge till I felt up to decorating the cake. Again if it was some time before the birthday I would put the cake back in the freezer. That way the birthday wasn't a lot of work.

No matter what you want to do, break it down in steps. It is possible to run a home when we aren't going full speed. You'll be surprised how a little work here and there can make, and your kids still have their mom.

A Reader from Canada

Thanks, Canada!  You wrote such a visual letter that I could just see you pulling the roast beef out of the oven so the family could eat their dinner.  I’m so glad we have crock pots today to do so much cooking for us when we just can’t stand over the pots as the dinner cooks. 

I loved what you said about breaking things into steps and just doing a little at a time.  Read on for a testimonial of a website that advocates doing everything in baby steps.  Baby steps are something most of us can do, and this website (which has been mentioned before in this column) may give many of us a workable solution:

I hope you don't delete this thinking that it's just a ploy to get people to this website. It truly has changed many, many people's lives. I also personally know of two wards that have used this information for Enrichment Night.

Something that I'm trying to follow to bless my home and family is the Flylady system. It can be found at www.flylady.net. Marla Cilley (AKA Flylady) is offering a wonderful FREE system to help people learn to have clean homes and live in peace. There are women (and men) all over the country and throughout the world who are able to follow her system to finding peace. (Many of them have chronic issues, such as depression, pain, MS, and other conditions.) She's not LDS, but she should be!

She teaches such things as:

• You can do anything for 15 minutes (or 10, or 5, or 2).
• Housework done incorrectly still blesses your family.
• Progress, not perfection, in 2007.
• You are not behind; just jump in where you are.

And the last one I'll mention but definitely not least, FLYing stands for "Finally Loving Yourself."

I definitely don't have everything down yet, but I am making progress. And that's amazing to me, because I have a husband who's a recruiter for the Marine Corps and works about 85-95 hours a week (not by choice), four children (ages 10, 8, 2, and 1), and my own health issues that still aren't even figured out yet (but include hypothyroidism, which makes me chronically tired.)

I hope that this is as helpful to other struggling families as it has been for me.

Brooke Baker
Lehi, Utah

Thanks for a great endorsement, Brooke.  I went to the website, and the advice looked so encouraging that I bookmarked it.  This is a site that’s going to help many women, so I’m glad you wrote.

Finally, we have this letter from Augusta, Georgia:

The single most important thing I can say is to let people help. Most people want to help but don't know how. When your visiting or home teachers come each month and say "let us know if we can help" as they are getting up to leave, take them up on it. Ask them to come on Saturday and run the vacuum or scrub the bathtub or take the kids to the park while you sleep.

Those "make a meal" clipboards that rotate through relief society on Sunday aren't reserved for new moms and funerals. Leaders don't have telepathy and can't always tell when you need help, especially if it is a chronic illness you are practiced at hiding. But they usually are quite willing to do things when asked. For a short- term crisis or event like having a baby or a hospital stay, these resources can be invaluable.

I will admit that even the most steadfast ward could get tired of brining dinner to the same family, though. So you need to have things in place for more long-term. Husbands are capable of much more than we give them credit for, as are our children. My five-year-old can fold the laundry, set the table, use the Swiffer, and clean up her toys. The trick is to lower your standards a bit and make things accessible.

Does it really matter is the underwear is rolled instead of folded or if the dust stays under the couch? Not really. My husband makes pancakes on his night for dinner and my kids love it! Teenagers can shop for groceries and cook meals; school-age kids can pick up after themselves and do chores. They can get rides from friends to activities. Dad can make dinner and help with homework in the evenings and iron his own shirts. 

Also lower your standards for yourself. You are still a good wife, mother, and Mormon if you buy boxed dinners and chicken nuggets for dinner, if you throw out the ripped pants instead of mending them by hand, and if you have to say no when your husband asks you to bake a cheesecake just like his mom makes for his office Christmas party. You don't have to go to every Relief Society activity on the calendar, homeschool your kids, and make bread from scratch!

I have made a rule to only vacuum once a week. With two small kids at home, this means my floors are only spotless for one day a week, but that is enough for me. I buy birthday cakes from the store and volunteer to supply paper goods for class parties instead of hand-frosted cookies.

Finally, I would advise you to use the resources you have available to you. My husband works a very time-consuming job with the military that has taken us states away from any family support. So I have found other ways to cope when I need help! When my second was born I sent my three-year-old to preschool for three mornings a week while I slept, took care of the baby, and caught up on housework. While my husband was away for months at a time, I paid an 11-year-old girl down the street $3 an hour to come over once a week and play with my kids while I made a week's worth of dinners and paid bills. I carpool with a neighbor so only one of us has to drive every day. I trade babysitting once a week with four other moms — one day I watch five toddlers, but for four weeks I have a day to myself to do whatever I need to — visit the doctor, clean, sleep, shop, or relax.

One thing we can't relax on is church. We go every week unless we are contagious. We have FHE every week even if my husband isn't here. We always pray, read our scriptures, and fulfill our callings the best we can. We have priesthood and father's blessings when we need them. We try to serve others the best we can.

A dear sister in our ward is in an assisted living home and can't cook meals, clean houses, or watch children. But she can crochet, and her calling is to crochet a baby blanket for each new baby born in our ward. She can serve, and everyone looks forward to their own handmade gift from the Relief Society. I think we all have something we can give and the blessings we get from serving in our own way will be just what we need even if it isn't serving in a traditional calling that may be too much for us.

Ok. I know this is super long. Feel free to use just the parts you think are relevant. I hope I didn't ramble too much. Hopefully there is something in there that someone else will find helpful.

Jannet Cross
Augusta, Georgia

You had excellent advice, Jannet, so I used your whole letter.  I like the idea of choosing priorities — letting the dusting slide, perhaps, but making sure time is taken for church.  It was good to see, too, that even young children can be taught to pick up the slack — especially if the mother doesn’t demand perfection in the chores they do.

I also like the idea of finding church callings that are tailored to people who can’t do traditional callings.  I’m sure there are many new mothers who would appreciate a homemade blanket given on behalf of the Relief Society by a member who could no longer hold a traditional ward position.

We have one more letter today — this one on behalf of the abused mother.  Even though we’ve closed out that topic, this letter said something that none of the others had mentioned.  This is a voice that deserves to be heard!  Read on:

I was having similar problems with my son.  In particular, it was his verbally abusive behavior.  He always spoke "down" to me, and discounted anything I said to him.  He also spoke in a combative way, like he was expecting a fight. 

I big part of the problem was between his Dad and me.  I knew my son didn't just develop this behavior out of thin air.  There has been an ongoing lack of respect and verbal and emotional abuse in our household.  It has been very difficult for me to deal with this, and it nearly destroyed me.  I was suffering with severe depression as a result of years of it.  And I am not naive enough to believe my children were not affected.  I also realize that I am the only person I can change, and it needed to begin with me. 

I began to notice positive changes when I started to take responsibility for my part in the abuse — my willingness to tolerate it, without respectfully refuting it.  As I learned more about personal and relationship boundaries, and began to "stick-up" for myself, things began to improve. 

By sticking up for myself, I am referring to quietly stating simply, each time abuse occurred, "That is abusive, and I will not tolerate it."  "Stop talking to me in that abusive manner."  And so on.  I didn't try to defend my comments [abusers take this as a sign of weakness, and believe it empowers them further].  I simply stated my boundaries about what I would and would not accept.  It took a great deal of patience and determination on my part.  For a time, the bad behavior escalated [never to physical violence, however].  I believe he was "testing" me. 

I think it was important for him to see that I valued myself enough as a person to be unwilling to tolerate such abuse.  Sometimes I think we try to be "nice" by not saying anything, but this only allows the abuse to continue.  Each occurrence of abuse needs to be addressed, and then at other times, there also needs to be positive reinforcement for good behavior. 

An excellent book to read on the subject of verbal abuse is, The Verbally Abusive Relationship by Patricia Evans.  It was very validating for me to understand the cycle of verbal abuse and all of the ways I could deal with it effectively. 

After educating yourself about verbal abuse, pay close attention to the ways in which this behavior is played out in your home.  It is very eye-opening to see the subtle ways that many forms of verbal abuse sneak into our homes.  It is so pervasive in our culture that most people are unaware that it is happening. 

As LDS people, we know what the Spirit feels like, and we recognize when it goes away.  Abuse of any kind is not conducive to the Spirit.  We need to guard our words and attitudes towards ourselves and others...especially in our family relationships. 

Pray and seek the guidance of the Spirit to help you in dealing with your son.  Actually, he is Heavenly Father's son, and your Father in Heaven can help you to deal with him in righteous ways. 

We still have room for improvement with our son, but it is much better than before.  And as I learn and grow, so does he. 

Mary from Blaine, Minnesota

Thanks, Mary, for pointing out that even the victims of bad behavior can change their own reactions and perhaps make a difference in an unfortunate situation.  You’re right — you are the only person you can change.  But sometimes when you change yourself, it causes a domino effect that will inspire change in the people around you.

Tune in next week for a new topic.  Meanwhile, if you have a problem you want addressed in this column send your email to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com . Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam.  When you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

“People who ask our advice almost never take it.
Yet we should never refuse to give it, upon request,
for it often helps us to see our own way more clearly.”

Brendan Francis