Running a Household when Mom is Sick
By Kathryn H. Kidd

After the deluge of responses for our last topic, the response to New Jersey Sue's request for ideas about what to do when Mom is sick was quiet indeed. And as if that weren't enough, I accidentally deleted one of the letters we received from my spam box instead of retrieving it — so if you don't see your response here, send again!

The letters we did get were thought-provoking ones, however, and they should give a few ideas to Sue in New Jersey on how to deal with being a mom who is bed-ridden. Read on to see what Meridian readers had to say:

I read your request for suggestions and couldn't help putting my two cents' worth in.

I'm married to a loving, understanding man who truly accepts me as-is. If I'm ill, things may or may not get done, but it's NO BIG DEAL. My husband does what he can for our family, and for me. What he can't do —- we let it slide.

I guess what I'm saying is this: sometimes we put too much pressure on ourselves, our spouses, or others to perform/conform to a certain level or model. When we accept ourselves and others as-is — for better or worse — we are free to let it slide. I spent my twenties trying to be the perfect wife, mommy, friend, co-worker, and so on, and nearly worked myself to death. (No kidding!) I was lucky to get four hours of sleep a night. I had a spotless house and cooked meals to be envious of, but I wasn't being kind to myself. (And, it was never good enough to please my ex-spouse either.)  

I now pity women that do this to themselves. What good will they be to themselves or anyone else, if they've worked themselves into an illness or worse — to death?

Just do the very best you can & let the rest go. That's all our Heavenly Father has asked of us. It would be unreasonable of anyone else to expect more.

Ranie Jordan AKA “Not afraid of a li'l clutter in SC”
North Charleston, SC

That's a sensible outlook, Ranie. I like the concept of letting some things slide. The trick is in knowing what can slide and what can't. It seems as though you've got a handle on the situation.

Here's a letter with a different perspective:

There is nothing more emotionally painful for a mother than not being able to care for her children the way she wants.  A few years ago I became very ill and was bedridden for a few months.  It took me over a year to recover.  Not only did I take care of my kids, but I was homeschooling as well.  I had to prayerfully decide whether to put them in school.

We decided to put my oldest in a correspondence school and not to worry about the other two.  During this time my youngest taught himself to read.  Everything worked out in the end.  The hardest part was keeping my illness to myself since I was in a new community and was already under scrutiny as a homeschooler.  I did not need people criticizing my lifestyle or medical decisions (I chose to go completely alternative and use a naturopath.)  Very few people had any idea I was sick and only my husband and doctor knew how sick I was.  On top of it all my husband had very demanding work at the time and could help little.

My kids took over our home.  My daughter prepared our meals and helped my husband shop.  Things were not as clean as I would have liked, but my kids pitched in, worked and did their best.  What they learned taking care of me taught them more than any school could.  I learned to really let go of perfectionism.  I cut people out of my life who drained energy so I could put all of mine into healing.  All activities that were not totally important were eliminated.  I learned to pace myself and lie down every afternoon.

I am very healthy again, but I am trying to keep those lessons and use my life and time more wisely.

For anyone with chronic difficulties I recommend www.flylady.net   Fortunately I found out about her before I got sick so some routines were already in place. 

Learn to say no to everything that is not vital, including church things.  If people don't understand or are critical, avoid them.  At one point I asked to be released from a calling since I had come under attack within it and it was making me regress.  I did not have the energy to deal with people like that.  There are those in this world who sense weakness and attack at that time.  Separate yourself from them.  I am sure I was cranky and not at my best, keep this in mind when deciding how annoyed to get with cranky people.  They probably have their own problems you cannot see.

I have become convinced that Heavenly Father is well aware of what difficulties we will face as parents and sends children accordingly.  Your children will learn something or somehow be blessed by your experience.  He knows they will not have optimal circumstances and that is not only fine, it can be a good thing.  Your attitude toward your challenges will teach them more than anything.

Mother in California

Thanks for writing, California. I really like the way you pointed out how your children were able to pitch in. It's never too early for children to be taught the basics of cleaning and cooking and even laundry. If they learn the basic skills as children, they'll be more self-sufficient when the time comes for them to go to college or leave on a mission. And if Mom finds herself in a situation where she can't do the work herself, it's a boon and a blessing when the children can help her out until the crisis is over.

Read on for another practical solution:

In response to your request, years ago I stumbled into an excellent idea.

Shortly before giving birth to our third child I paid the bills then set aside the food budget money. I told
my husband how much we had for food and, a few days later, gave birth to our son. I came home to find out my little family ate very well while I was in the hospital. My husband teased me for not producing the
same meals with the same money. A few days later I discovered they had used the entire food budget in one week. My husband had no idea the money was supposed to last a month!)

Knowing we could not afford that mistake again, when baby four prepared to arrive I made and froze two weeks worth of casseroles. I placed labels on them with thawing, reheating and serving suggestions. It worked wonderfully and I loved not having to cook with a new baby. My idea grew.

Now, years later, I am past my 'childbearing' years but I still make a month's worth of meals in six hours (three hours one day, three hours the next). I freeze and clearly label everything so my husband or children can handle dinner without me. The label for tonight's meal reads: “Quick and Easy Casserole. Heat in crockpot on low 6-7 hours. Serve with cornbread, salad and jello.”

I also post a menu on the freezer showing what is available. Now, if I'm sick or gone from home I know my family will have a healthy dinner without a lot of mess. If I'm doing dinner, it is very nice to have it already prepared and most of the mess behind me. By being planned, dinner time is enjoyable, not chaotic.

T. Lynn

T. Lynn, you are amazing! Who would guess that a husband's mistake could give you a labor-saving idea like that one!

And of course your husband must have thought you were a marvel when he realized you were stretching an amount of money he thought should last for a week to cover your family's food for an entire month. You probably got great mileage out of that!

Today's last letter talks about the spiritual side of Mom's illness:

I've been sick for some years.  All I can say is that those questions have no easy answers.  For me at least, each answer I've tried has come with a cost.  I've had to say "no." I've learned to lower my expectations. I've missed out on living a lot of normal life, and I've been judged and criticized by others.  Being criticized has been the most painful thing.

But that is the downside; here is the upside.  As I've struggled, I've been able to learn important things.  Firstly, I've had to pare myself down to my core and choose what is most important to me.  That process has been extremely valuable. 

I've gotten to know myself.  And in prayer, I've expressed myself to God.  Gradually, little by little, I've come to learn that He also knows me.  I've come to gradually feel that as I become confident in knowing that my core choices are good ones, that He also knows that, and is pleased.  Then that knowledge is my strength.  Even though I'm still physically sick, I am becoming spiritually and emotionally strong — strong in the knowledge of who I am and what I choose, and the knowledge that God knows that.  Then I'm so much less vulnerable to being hurt by criticisms — or by a messy kitchen, or a family argument, or whatever.

So to summarize, my best answer is to put the work in to develop spiritual and emotional strength.  That will help so much with whatever day to day choices you make.

Been There, in Canada

I'm glad you mentioned, Been There, that there are compensations for ill health, and that spiritual enlightenment can be one of them. I've found that I'm a much better person in almost every way than I would be if I hadn't had the physical challenges I've had. Whenever the feelings of self-loathing come, the best way I've found to combat them is to realize what kind of person I'd be if I'd never been given the trials I've been given. That stops the self-pity right in its tracks. Doesn't do a thing for the physical pain, but in this life you take what you can get.

Readers, if you have anything else to say on this subject, Sue in New Jersey needs your help. Send your email to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com . Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam.  (And spammers, you might as well quit complying with this request because no matter how clever you think you are, I'm not going to buy your stuff.)

When you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

“Perhaps the most valuable result of all education is the ability to make yourself do the thing you have to do, when it ought to be done, whether you like it or not; it is the first lesson that ought to be learned; and however early a man's training begins, it is probably the last lesson that he learns thoroughly.”

Thomas H. Huxley
English biologist (1825-1895)

Circle of Sisters Archive