Last Words on Rebellious Teens
By Kathryn H. Kidd

Okay, people. I have a promise for you. This absolutely, positively the last word in this column on abusive kids. I've been so grateful for all the advice you've had for Mormon Mama to help her in her family situation, but at the same time it's sad that so many of you have been able to speak from experience. I can't promise you that the next topic will be any cheerier (no funny pet names or favorite Valentine presents you've ever been given, alas!), but at least the next topic will be different. Until then, read on for the last comments on this particular subject.

I have two children and while they lived at home, only one of them caused any problem this way. He has ADHD. At 4 he had major tantrums, threatening property and persons, and his child psychologist taught me how to stop them in one session. I was told to "sit" on him — actually sit on the floor and restrain him by placing my legs over his body and keeping him on the floor. I pretended to calmly read. I told him he could get up when he was ready to stop the tantrum. He lied to me once and I (per instructions) placed him back on the floor and kept him longer that time. When I finally let him up (total time on the floor was maybe 20 minutes) he never had another tantrum. He often told me that restraining him was the worst thing I've ever done to him, and the only reason he never had another tantrum was he was afraid I'd do that again — and I would have.

I also had another firm rule: I would not be nagged. If a child wanted something, he could respectfully ask for it, and I might give it to him. He could even give reasons — nicely. But if he nagged or demanded, he knew without a doubt he would absolutely NEVER get it — because I refused to reward bad behavior.

I didn't have another problem with disrespect from my ADHD child until he was 13. On one occasion he was quite rude and rebellious, though he never called me names. I handled it very, very firmly. I have always let my children know that I was willing to discuss differences and — in SOME cases, to negotiate (though they knew that serious moral and safety issues were non-negotiable). However, I would not tolerate disrespect. It was totally unacceptable. 

It was only after my children were of age and out on their own that I had any trouble with them this way — and I stood my ground on that, too. I expressed my deep love for them, but I told them that I refused to be abused, that I didn't deserve it, and I would not tolerate it. I told them that when they could treat me respectfully, they could be around me.  It took years and many prayers but I stuck to my guns — not that I banished them, but they knew they did not have my approval for that behavior and they had lost some of the respect I had for them . I think as a parent, you have to determine to be a marathon runner instead of a sprinter. When something is of eternal importance, you never give in, and you never give up on the child. They knew that they were always welcome — just not that kind of behavior.

If they had been at home still, I would have told them that as their parent I would provide love, food, clothes, schooling, medical care, religious opportunities, and necessities, but that UNTIL they learned to be respectful, they would receive nothing else — nothing physical or in privileges, that I was accountable to raise them properly to ensure that they turned into decent, respectful, considerate human beings who could fit into society, find a spouse, and keep a job — that they would be grounded except for church, school, and maybe a job, but they would receive no TV, telephone, or computer privileges and no social opportunities.

When I say until , that is what I mean — or until age 18 and they left home.  I think when parents feel weak and think from a weak position — through guilt or thinking they don't have the power to control the situation — then the child senses it and bullies the parents into giving in. When the child knows the parent is willing to go all the way, the child knows where their limits are.

Discipline is a form of love, and unless a parent is willing to take the heat (criticism and opposition) the parent fails in their love.  When I taught English at Salt Lake Community College, the school had a required essay for students to name their generation, give the main trait of their generation, and then to say why they had that trait.  I was shocked when I received many essays naming their generation the same exact name and giving the same reasons — in three different classes. I checked against possible plagiarism or at least collaboration of thought, but the students did not know each other and had had no contact. 

What was the name they had chosen for their generation? The Abandoned Generation. Why? Each student said that their parents, teachers, church leaders, community leaders, law enforcement, and bosses didn't care enough about them to make them toe the line, work, or behave decently. Their conclusion was that they were not worth the effort, that the people in their lives did not care enough about them, and that they thought they were hopeless.

Heartbreaking.

I was gratified, however, when many of them told me that the reason they liked my class was that I made them work, had high expectations from them, and made them accountable. They felt I respected them, that I believed in their potential, and that I sent the message that they were worth my effort.

Too many parents feel they don't have the right to discipline their children when they have really been commanded to discipline them. With love, certainly — abiding and overflowingly abundant.

Anonymous

Your letter was a long one, Anonymous, but I printed almost the whole thing because you had so many good ideas. It's sad, isn't it, that children feel abandoned because they aren't getting the discipline they need.

Clark and I once home taught a family who had a son who was abandoned in this way. When he was in elementary school, he beat up other kids in his school so severely that it was reported in the local newspaper. He got expelled. As his father picked him up to take him home after the expulsion, he stopped on the way home and bought him a Nintendo “because it probably hurt his feelings to be expelled from school.” The boy went to his mother and said, “What do I have to do to make him punish me?” We never found out. The boy was perceptive enough to realize that discipline was never going to happen, and he curtailed his misbehavior on his own.

The first thing to do is to use the priesthood to rid the spirits around him and his room. and the whole house, every day if you have to. Then inform him you are going to take his world away — those privileges and things he loves to do and have. Ever day he can earn them back.  

The child needs one on one time with each parent — especially his Dad.

Do not give up. Pray each day, asking what I can do to help him today. The answers will come in different ways, so listen and be aware.

Name Withheld

I like your point, Name, of praying each day to specifically learn what you can do to help the child that particular day. Sometimes we're guilty of praying vague prayers, but when you ask for daily specifics and then listen for the answers , you are much more likely to get answers that can help you in your quest. Thanks for writing.

I have a grown daughter who is abusive.  Conquering can only be done on your side.  Place boundaries; see them on your turf and terms only. 

Here is t he difference between SAFE and UNSAFE LOVE:  Real love is safe and secure. It is trusting. It builds us up rather than tears down. It's nurturing, not destructive. It's happy rather than sad. It feels good rather than being painful. The emotion that enslaves is destructive. There's nothing good, nor positive about it.  Protecting oneself against unsafe love is a right.   There is a saying, “hope deferred makes the heart sick,” and this is wisely spoken. Hope is no longer needed when you see clearly.

Peaceful Warrior
Salt Lake City, Utah

Thanks for writing, Peaceful. I hope you and your daughter can find peace with one another.

Here is another perspective:

Check for drug abuse! Many years ago when our only son started behaving badly, it turned out that he'd gotten into doing drugs. Get advice and help from people who know what to do. Start with your bishop; he'll know where to begin. 

What became of our son? He's in a high-security prison in Oregon. At our ages, we likely won't ever see him again in this life. Don't be afraid to do whatever needs to be done to try to save him. It doesn't always work, obviously, but you'll be able to bear however it turns out if you give it your best shot (even if he doesn't like it).

Anonymous Writer

Thanks for a sobering letter, Writer. Not all stories will have a happy ending in this life, as your letter shows. At least we have an eternal perspective and can look forward to the next life. The time may yet come — in this life or the next — when your son will see the error of his ways.

Here's another medical reason that may explain a child's change in behavior.

First I would recommend that Mormon Mama get her youngster thoroughly checked out medically to make sure the problem is not genetic or chemical, and could be treated with medication.

We discovered our 7-year-old autistic son lacks the digestive enzymes to break down the casein in dairy products, and it makes him violent, rebellious and hyperactive. He is a different kid since we took him off dairy products.

Spiritually I would ask several close friends and family to join you in a special fast to know how to reach this kid. I would constantly be telling this child to his face, that while I disliked his behavior, I loved him — loved him more then he could ever imagine.

Leslie Townsend
Kenedy Branch, East San Antonio Stake, Texas

Thanks for writing, Leslie. Your letter was just one more reminder that children can be set off by anything . If a child's behavior suddenly changes, there may be a reason that has nothing to do with the child having a rebellious spirit.

Read on for a folk remedy I'd never even heard of:

My husband and I have suffered through eight years of verbal abuse from our adopted son who came to us at age eight with a lot of hurt that manifested as anger rather than pain.  We were taught all kind of verbal responses to redirect his anger, with minimal results.  Then after six years we finally found the right counseling system, but the major breakthrough only came when I tried something that I knew about, but thought he would resist, namely flower essences.  

This modality is different from other herbal preparations, by addressing the emotional health of an individual rather than his physical health.  We were blown away with the results.  For example, when our son was offered an ice cream sundae last summer to help cool off his temper, asked for his flower essences!  

When we started using them, we didn't have the right remedy (usually 5 essences in a remedy taken as a few drops in a small glass of water).  But I kept getting the impression to try just one, called mariposa lily for abandonment.   Well, that did the trick and we saw a soothing to his emotions almost immediately!  

We also found people specially trained to help us with his particular emotional problems.  And his counselor feels that he is coping, healing and maturing much faster because of the essences that they knew nothing about until we shared our experiment with them.  The Flower Essence Society site has excellent information at http://www.fesflowers.com , and many health food stores carry the essences or can recommend someone that will help you choose the essences.  I suggest buying the society's repertory of essences and using your own revelation to help you choose (or call me 641/472-8355. I have a great way to choose 5 essences). The essences will change as issues smooth and others need to be addressed. 

This is such a non-confrontational way of giving help.   My son has never resisted taking his essences morning and evening and has even asked for them at other times.   I have shared this information with other parents of difficult children and all have had remarkable results from their essences.  

Cora Lee Burns
Fairfield, Iowa

Thanks for your letter, Carol. The whole idea of flower essences sounds crazy — but sometimes crazy things work. I suspect there are a lot of desperate parents out there (and people who are desperate for reasons that have nothing to do with parenting) who will check out your suggestion today.

Read on for two letters written by therapists:

I am a retired marriage and family therapist, who specialized in domestic violence.  I have some ideas that might help parents with abusive kids.

1. The child's behavior is not about you, so don't take it personally.  Just acknowledge to yourself that the behavior hurts your feelings, but that it is about whatever is going on in the mind of the
   child.
2. Disconnect from the child's behavior by saying, "Don't talk to me that way.  I don't like it." or "When you do, I don't like how it feels."  Then walk away. Never ask why and don't explain.
3. Don't give speeches and don't bargain.  You don't have to rationalize yourself to your child.  "You have to do (whatever action you have requested) — that's your responsibility."  If he talks back, walk away.
4. Focus on the behavior and be specific about what behavior you want changed.  "I want you to stop yelling."  Then walk away without moralizing.
5. If the child refuses to go to his room, then have everyone else leave.  Time out has to be a quiet place — no TV or games.
6. Surprise him from time to time with affection and recognition. "You did a great job at ... and you need to do . . ." Lose the word but .
7. Compose yourself before responding to any verbal abuse and then be prepared to follow through.  Model the behavior you want to happen. Then you can say, "I'ts impossible to help you when you're blaming me."
8. Accept bad moods and bad days.  "You seem to be in a bad mood. I'll talk to you in ten minutes."  Disconnect — walk away.

Hope these ideas will help.

Katharine Abbott, Ph.D.

Thanks for writing, Katharine. I especially liked the idea of “surprising” the wayward child with recognition or affection. It's precisely when a child is being most unlovable that he may need love most. The child knows his actions are wrong, so giving recognition or affection when that's the last thing he is expecting is a good way to catch him off guard.

Here's a therapist who doesn't like the idea of soap and Tabasco sauce. Read on to learn what she has to say:

I recently read the column on New Perspectives on Rebellious Teens.  Many of the suggestions were great.  However, I am concerned about the suggestion to use soap/Tabasco when children use foul language.  First of all, this is an inappropriate way to discipline any child.  We sometimes forget that we would never want to be treated in that manner if we misbehaved.  It is the type of punishment that often teaches a child to not swear in front of a parent, but does not help the child really learn how to act more appropriately — even when the parent is absent. 

Secondly, using soap/Tabasco is considered child abuse in many states and may result in the involvement of state agencies.  Please let readers know that there are lots of ways to deal with difficult situations without resorting to abuse of any kind.  Abuse from a child should not beget abuse from a parent. 

As a therpist I work with many families who have rebellious teens.  Some of the families are truly dysfunctional — others are not.  I have also experienced problems with a couple of my own children.  Unconditional love won out in the end, even though it took much longer than more drastic measures.  At one point I promised the Lord that I would never treat my children poorly — regardless of their behavior — if He would bless me to be able to bear my burdens. I have never regretted that promise.  I was able to set appropriate limits and expectations and their behavior eventually came around.  Never forget how you would like to be treated if the circumstances were switched and you were the rebellious parent and your child was the good kid.

Concerned Parent/Therapist

Thanks for writing, Concerned. It's a good thing to know that the soap/Tabasco treatment may be considered child abuse in some states. Even more, I appreciated the reminder that God can make our burdens light if we only ask. That may be the only way some parents can endure.

Here is a letter from a gentleman who has been around long enough to know what he's talking about.

With what little I know about this family's situation, or the true age of the young man, or without being able to talk to him, this is what I see in my mind.  He is running with individuals that do not respect others, and is trying to fit in with them.  Whoever he is "hanging" with should be checked out, catalogued, and dealt with.  If they and their parents are LDS, this should be checked out and dealt with also.  Chances are these parents, LDS or not, are experiencing the same problems from their youth. 

Also, where does he spend his free time?  Is it on the computer, movies, game equipment (video and reality games), or just "hangin"?  If it is any of the preceding, put a stop to it until you determine the safety and value level of these activities.  Monitor, monitor, then monitor some more. 

Is he getting the example he should from the priesthood holder in his family?

Let's face it folks, acting out or acting bad, creates bad and if some action is not taken now, it may be too late sooner than you think. 

It worries me even though I do not know this young man.  I offer my heart and my prayers, but strongly suggest if the parents in this situation cannot take a firm hold, then go through your bishop or even your law enforcement agencies.  DARE is a good place to involve one who, though he may not be involved in drugs, could learn self control and how to render service.  The bishop in your ward is a great place to start.  The other place to start that is most important is right in you home, with family.  If you feel that may end up in a family war, ask for ward family support, again through your bishop. 

Lloyd Lewis
Montrose, Colorado

Thanks for mentioning DARE, Lloyd. It's something nobody else thought of, and is sure to help someone out there.

Here's one from a mother who thought things were peachy until — whammo! Everything fell apart. You may appreciate her perspective:

I have four daughters along with four son-in-laws and 12 grandchildren.  I have always tried to be a good mother to my family and grandmother.  My family has always come first.  My oldest daughter is now 43 with the rest being 41, 37 and 35 years old. 

I thought that we had a close and caring family until a few years ago, when everything went haywire.  Little by little, it crept in.  Over the past few years, I have been cussed at, yelled at, and talked to and treated in a very rude, cruel and disrespectful manner by all of my daughters at different times.  It has been very hurtful and upsetting, to say the least. 

Three years ago, I went into deep depression over it but have learned to cope a little better with it the last year.  I have apologized for whatever I might have done to upset anyone and have told all of them how much I care about them and love them deeply.  There seem to be no remorse or apologies from them and our family is a mess. 

I have learned to realize that Heavenly Father want us all to be happy and that he gave me life also — not just my kids — and that he expects me to find peace and happiness through him and to be able to serve Him and others while I am here on this earth.  My life is important too, and I have to be well and happy and appreciate my life and serve him to the best of my ability.  I have had to learn that life is not all about my kids and their happiness but also mine.  If my children choose to be disrespectful, I don't have to be their doormat or keep allowing it to happen by being an enabler. 

I recommend that you tell your son that if he can't treat you and the rest of the family with some respect and kindness that he will have to go elsewhere to live.  I know that that sounds wrong but it is the only way. He needs to realize that he has to earn the right to live in your house and be part of the family and the environment there.  The spirit cannot dwell in a house with such ciaos and disharmony.  He does not deserve to stay there.  You cannot allow this to happen.  It is not helping him or you or the rest of the family to be able to treat you or any one else in the family this way.

Ask for God's help and He will help you do this. It isn't easy but it can be done. 

Julie P.

Thanks for a real eye-opener, Julie. I would have thought that if your kids made it through young adulthood, everything would be gravy. Apparently I was wrong. I appreciate your writing!

This mom needs to read the book Positive Parenting with a Plan (Grades K-12): F.A.M.I.L.Y. Rules by Dr. Matthew Johnson. It's helped our family a lot (even though we don't have children as out-of-control as this mom's — and some of the children portrayed in the book). It might seem heavy-handed at first, but it is REALLY loving and gentle: It takes the yelling and coaxing out of discipline. Read the whole book and implement the whole program and you should have your son back on track soon. I recommend this book to ward members without hesitation.

You can find more information (and how to order the book — which is also known as MOTHER Rules — (sometimes you can find it on half.com) at: http://www.family-rules.com/thebook.asp .

A Bishop in Arizona

Thanks for your suggestion, Bishop. I checked out the book on Amazon, and it got rave reviews. It sounds like it could be a real help.

Okay, ladies and gentlemen. You've been a great help to Mormon Mama with your advice about rebellious teens. Next week we've got a fresh new topic for you — and it's coming from a reader who desperately needs your help. Meanwhile, if you have any suggestions for future columns, send your email to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com. Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn't spam.  And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you'd rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

“Behavior follows consciousness.”

George Bernard Shaw (1856-1950)