Readers Rally ‘Round Abused Mom
By Kathryn H. Kidd

When I looked in my email box on Thursday and saw only one letter in it — and that letter was spam — I was disconsolate over the fate of our Mormon Mama who wrote in for help with her abusive son.  But you Meridian readers hadn’t let me down!  Tucked into my 249-letter spam folder were 43 (count ‘em!) gems of wisdom from loving readers who wanted to help an unknown friend. 

Today and for at least the next couple of weeks, we’re going to print many of those letters and give hope to Mormon Mama — and to the other parents out there who are in similar situations.  As you can see from our first anonymous plea, Mormon Mama isn’t alone:

Please print the follow-up article as to how to best deal with this problem sooooooon. 

Anonymous

Is today soon enough, Anon?  And by the way, you weren’t the only anonymous writer this week.  Sometimes people like to bask in the fame they get when their letters are published in Circle of Sisters, and other times they’d rather fly under the radar.  There are lots of radar-flyers for this particular topic!  Here’s another one:

I can hardly wait to hear the advice forthcoming about dealing with abusive children.  I have a 13 1/2-year old boy who fits the same description as the mom who wrote about her son.  In fact, it sounds like I could have written the letter!  Not only is he verbally and sometimes physically abusive towards his father and me, disobedient and a general stinker, but he refuses to go to Church, is belligerent whenever anything related to the Gospel comes up, and mocks his younger brothers for their goodness.  Balance that with being a good-looking, clean-cut, straight A student and athlete.   I love my son, want the best for him, have taken him to church every Sunday, never missed a day praying morning and night as a family nor skipped a single daily Family Scripture Study, weekly FHE — all the things I thought would inoculate him against the follies of the world.  What happened??? 

I am a convert, my husband a 7th generation member, descendant of Parley P. Pratt and we have both served missions.  This isn't what we envisioned parenthood would be like!  I know there are lots of promises regarding his long-term welfare, but getting through each day is quite the marathon!  "Endure to the End" of the day sometimes seems beyond my strength.

Bring on the advice!!!  By the boatload, truckload, handcart-full, whatever!

Worried Mom in Michigan
(PLEASE withhold my real name!)

Your letter was a real eye-opener, Worried.  When people are hostile and abusive, it’s easy to categorize them as bad eggs, but your son shows what a fallacy that is.  It sounds as though he excels in school.  I don’t know whether that compounds the pain for you or gives you hope that if you can get over this crisis you’ll have a great son on your hands, but whichever it is I hope you can find some help here.

Here’s a note from another desperate mother:

When I read that letter I thought "wow, that's me!" My son is 16 years old and strong in the Church, but when he loses his temper he will verbally and physically abuse me even in front of his siblings. We've had to call police on him, which made me feel like the worst mom on the planet!

Now we have our bishop involved as well as the Scout leaders. We also have our son in therapy and my husband and I are in counseling to deal with how this has affected our marriage. One thing I learned is that I had to stop feeling guilty. Sure, I've made mistakes as a parent, but that does not give my son the right to abuse me. He has the right to feel angry but not the right to abuse.

Letting go of the guilt opens your heart and mind to the Lord's guidance on how to successfully parent. Stay close to the Gospel to give you the strength and the inspiration.

Candice
Calgary, Alberta

Thanks for writing, Candice.  Yours is the first letter to mention that your son’s problems have affected your marriage, but a situation like this can’t help but have a domino effect.  You can’t throw a rock at a window without disturbing the whole piece of glass.  Not only do you have to deal with your relationship with the problem child, but the parents also have to work through the issue with each other and with each other child in the family.  This is a difficult situation, as you can no doubt attest.

Here’s another family that needs help — one that brings a medical condition into the mix. 

Unfortunately, I have a 17-year-old son that is abusive to me and my husband.  I am the one home with him most of the time so I of course get the brunt of his anger.  My son is also abusive to things such as walls, furniture, knick-knacks, etc.  He throws, kicks, and hits anything and everything.  I want and need help, as well.  My son has been diagnosed as bi-polar to make it worse.  He is addicted to legal and illegal drugs and going to drug counseling and seeing a psychologist for his mental illness.

I feel like a failure as a mother and my husband feels like a failure as a father.  This is our fourth and last child so I don't have to worry about small children being subject to his nasty temper.  Any help would be so appreciated.

Ann A.

Thanks for writing, Ann.  You and Candice have both brought up something that is a major issue here, and that issue is guilt.  Unfortunately, the people around us often compound that sense of guilt by advice that is well-intentioned but that doesn’t help the situation.  We have received several letters from well-meaning readers who told Mormon Mama that if she had just (fill in the blanks), she wouldn’t have the problem she is enduring today. 

I sent those letters to a friend who has a large family.  About two-thirds of her children are the kind of people that anyone would be proud to parent.  The rest of them have severe challenges.  This is what she wrote back:

If I had only had some of my children, I could say, “Well, if you would do it just like me, then you, too, could have success.”  But the Lord was kind enough to give me some real challenges, and I am without glib and pat advice now.  Parents can do many things to nurture and encourage, but you are dealing with an eternal spirit.  And for some people nothing would ever work.  They have to be on their own rough journey.

I said to my son when he was in the drug rehab, "Is there anything we could have done to have spared you this experience?  Anything we have done wrong?  Could we have loved you more or differently?  Taught you differently?  Anything?”

He said, "I would have chosen this with any set of parents.  I just have to test the boundaries in life.  It's who I am.”

So now I view parenthood differently.  It is more like being on a mission and being assigned companions. 
Sometimes the strongest people get assigned the angry and rebellious ones, because they will be able to hang on and bless them.  I really love my mean-spirited daughter and my boundary-testing son, just as I love my angel youngest child and my enormously creative and bright daughter.  I don't label them — that is just a way to demonstrate how different, different they each are.

I remember when I used to think that everybody could have perfect grades if they just followed a few simple rules like I did. I thought, fat people deserve to be fat.  Parents with angry children deserve it.  Poor people deserve it.  I just can't stand that attitude.

Live a little longer, I think to myself now, and watch the Lord break your heart — because he can't do a thing with you when you are so smart.  We live in the time described by Paul when “their children shall oppress them.”  These kids grow up with a sense of entitlement and often they just persecute their parents that they aren't being given enough.  Make my life easy in every way, they demand. 

These are crazy times.  If you have a challenge in life, it may be that you were given that challenge because you’re the one who is strong enough to endure it.

There you have it — advice from a mother who is still in the trenches, and who has seen it all.  But many more of you have good things to say.  Read on!

I am a mother of three children. Our eldest, a girl, is almost 17. Our second is a son, almost 13, and our youngest, girl, just turned 5 a few months ago.  Our “problem” is with our son.  He is very disrespectful, defiant, disobedient, self/strong willed, blames everyone else for all his wrong choices, constantly negotiates everything in life, never accepts no for an answer, and has anger issues.  I am afraid to think that he will be no different than the son of the lady who wrote in to you. 

We have tried putting his name on the temple prayer roll, fasting/praying, talking, lecturing, and everything else from “kind and gentle” to “mean and rough.”  We have constantly focused on teaching gospel principles and have tried as best we could to enforce the prophet’s Joseph’s idea of “teaching correct principles” and then having the children “govern themselves” as much as is appropriate for their ages. 

To date, he continues to lie, cheat, steal, be disrespectful and all those other lovely things.  Today, we just caught him stealing money from his five-year-old sister, who worked hard to earn money for a doll that she really wants.  She went to the store, priced it, and we wrote down the 20 “sticks” on the white board (each representing a dollar), then she happily has set off on doing 20 chores for $1 each to earn the money she needs to buy the doll.  So far she has earned $10.  He took $4 from her little wallet, and claimed he had had it all along in his bank.  What do you do, as a parent (once you pick up the pieces of your heart off the floor)?

Continually praying, and following the promptings of the Spirit is all we can do.  Having attended Al-Anon (because of my brother) we have learned quite a bit about boundaries.  You cannot force another person, not even your own son, to do something. However, you can draw the boundaries that are acceptable to you.  (In fact, you must draw boundaries.) Then you explain those boundaries to the child, and let him know the blessings of abiding by those boundaries, and the consequences of not abiding by them. When the “consequences” time arrives, there is no need for anger or fights or anything. It is a cut-and-dried case of “you crossed the boundaries, and this will now be the consequence” — then enforce the consequence ever so calmly.

We have told our son that we cannot force him to do anything. He is free to walk away and leave the family, and break our hearts, and make life miserable for himself if he wishes.  That is not what we wish. We want him to be happy, and have great freedom in the world, and have many friends, and have a good education, and be close to the Lord and enjoy the blessings of belonging to a good family.  But he can only have all of that if he is willing to sacrifice for it. 

That sacrifice includes getting along with others, keeping the commandments, following the Lord by obeying Him, and doing his part within the family that he helped choose before he came to earth. He can be happy by doing what is right, or miserable by doing whatever he wants.  We are willing to let him “crash-n-burn” if that is what he chooses. 

My husband said it best:  “the price of having the prodigal return to you, is that he will squander all of his inheritance.”  That is the price, and as parents, though it is heart-wrenching, we must be willing to allow our “prodigal children” to do that, if the time ever comes. 

I pray that since our son is young still, there is hope that he will not turn into a “prodigal.”  But if he does, we must be ready to step aside and allow him to make his choices.  Our part is to keep faith, teach him the Gospel, and to keep our own covenants.  If we do this, we have a sacred promise from the prophet Joseph that “the eye of the Shepherd is upon him and sooner or later, he will return” to us and his Heavenly Father.  He will not be lost.

Teri Nine
Plano, Texas

Thanks for a thought-provoking letter, Teri.  You and your husband have real courage, in allowing your son the freedom to succeed or to fail.  I’m so glad your courage is coupled with the faith that he will not be lost.

Here is another letter from a gentleman who has been in the trenches — but this one is from the perspective of being on the far side of the conflict. 

Reading this article certainly brought back some painful memories.  Hopefully this letter will give you some hope and let you know you are not alone.

To try and tell you what to do and how to respond would be best left to the professionals, what I can do is convey our experience and how it was resolved.

Our son was born profoundly deaf due to a virus and had other physical issues as well.  However, due to the hard work of his mother he grew up with good communication skills and physically fit.

He had always been somewhat physical in his emotional expression, but things seem to come to a head during junior and senior high school.  More and more when he was angry he would curse or swear at his mother and in extreme cases would push or shove.  This was not a result of frustration in communication as some might think. The whole family signed very well and were always there when he needed to “talk.”  My wife was very patient and endured this abuse. 

How we dealt with the foul language was to ignore it.  I don’t know if this was right or wrong, but our thought was, “They are just words and can’t really hurt us.”  Of course we explained how inappropriate swearing was and tried to downplay it and not give him the reaction he was looking for.  We felt he was using those words for the shock value.

His sisters often were around during these exchanges, and we explained to them how we felt and what our response was going to be.

Towards the beginning of high school he also began doubting his sexual orientation, and as you can imagine this led to more discussions and further confrontations.  He had never been physical with me (I was a lot bigger and stronger); however, his treatment of his mother often left me on the verge of taking some kind of action.

I can vividly remember the night of our last clash.  He was furious and we ended up in a shoving match. Neither of us was physically hurt but I ended up in tears, knowing my response was not one the Savior would have used.

After that night I vowed I would love unconditionally and felt reassured that it was the correct decision.

Well, it’s five years later the abuse has stopped, he has matured, and he seems much more at peace. 

Is the answer as easy as “unconditional love”?  I doubt it.  What I do know is that patience, love, and controlling your temper will definitely help in dealing with this.

Mike in Canada 

I’m glad that unconditional love is what it took in your family, Mike.  The Christlike qualities of “patience, love, and controlling your temper” can never hurt!  I’m also glad you’re wise enough to understand that this may not be enough in other situations.  How fortunate we are to have the opportunity for spiritual guidance to help us in problems that are different from family to family! 

I can imagine the dilemma you are in!   You have my sympathy and my heart goes out to you.   I also had a child who was at the time 10 years old and started to show rebellious traits and attitude towards me.    I prayed to the Lord and asked for guidance and the answer that came clear to me was 'homeschooling'.   I was very resistant to the idea because how could I stand the idea of being with a monster all day in my home when school provided that temporary relief and shelter for me!  But I was willing to be obedient to the will of the Lord and listen.   

It has now been almost 2 years of homeschooling my son, who is now 12 years old.    The changes have been tremendous because he is not under the influence of attitudes from teenagers and young people any more.   He is no longer being influenced by peer pressure or being taught about moral relativism (meaning there is no right or wrong in your decisions).  

I believe if you put your trust in the Lord and ask him what is best for you and your son then you will be enlightened and know what to do.   I know my situation was that I needed to pull my son out of the public schools and homeschool him.  I have seen the tremendous attitude change and rebellious streak dissolve.  

Believe me, the road is not easy — but don't give in or give up!  There will be plenty of tears and trials but ask for strength in the Lord to help you and your son.   I hope you will receive answers to what you need to do for your son.    Many well meaning people can give their advice and opinions, but only you can make the right decision through prayer and faith.   

My experience at the time was when I decided to homeschool I had so many negative opinions from many friends and family that felt I was making a big mistake and would turn out a warped and socially backwards child.   If I had listened to their advice I would have certainly missed my opportunity with helping my son, but thankfully I resisted the opinions of others (respectfully) and only trusted in God and his answer that I was given.    Remember Proverbs 3:5:  “Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding.”

Celeste Tipiani
Roy Utah

Before we close today, I have two letters that point to books that parents may want to read to help them with rebellious children.  Here they are:

I can't say my teen son has ever spoken to me the manner you describe, but I have felt his dissatisfaction in other ways. Terry Warner's book Bonds That Make Us Free gave me hope and practical ideas of things I could consider in dealing with my son. It will give you a lot to consider in dealing any relationship. That is why we have these trials; to prepare us for future relationships that will test our Christianity.

Sandy in Utah

**

Helpful Books, in addition to the scriptures:

Helpful Books after the top books have been read:

• I Don't Have to Make Everything All Better by Gary and Joy Lundberg
• books by Stephen R. Covey

My mom took my brother out of public school and put him in a small private academy.

A Reader

Thanks, Sandy and A.  You’ve listed some great books.  Meridian is serializing The Anatomy of Peace right now, with a chapter every Monday.  We have serialized He Did Deliver Me from Bondage and Bonds That Make Us Free in the past. 

You can never go wrong reading something by Gary and Joy Lundberg, who are often featured here in Meridian.  And anything by one of our other authors, H. Wallace Goddard is also a help.  His current First Principles of Marriage serialization has got some advice that would apply to relationships with children as well as relationships with spouses, and he has two other books — Between Parent and Child and The Soft-Spoken Parent that doubtless offer invaluable suggestion.

Now that you have some books to get you started, we’ll continue this topic next week.  Hang on, Mormon Mama!  More help is on the way!

Meanwhile, if you have any suggestions for future columns, send your email to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com.  Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn’t spam.  And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you’d rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

“Children begin by loving their parents;
as they grow older they judge them;
sometimes they forgive them.”

Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray (1891)