The Last Word on Peaceful Christmases
By Kathryn H. Kidd

Here we are, with Christmas fast approaching.  Here are some last words on how to have a peaceful Christmas with your extended family members (or without them, as the case may be!). 

To anyone concerned about this:

Unless it is an emergency, like someone is dying and it is their last year on earth or something, let your kids and relatives go where they want, be alone if they want, or just make up their own mind.  Invite anyone you want and let them know they are welcome and what you'd like to do as far as plans go, but don't make anyone feel guilty or selfish or pressured.  Don't withhold presents, especially with the excuse that you want to watch the kids open them, or anything like that.  If you have young children, come to a decision way before the holiday in question comes up, so there are far less emotions with the decisions.  Maybe you could share and one year could be spent with one or the other, and the next year, the other way around.  It's always negotiable. 

Remember most of all, the reason for the season.  Be Christlike in all your decisions and actions.  So what if life isn't fair — it usually isn't.  Go the extra mile.  Do what Christ would do.  Don't worry about the letter of the law, worry about the Spirit of the law, and your behavior and if Christ would be proud of you.

Also remember that you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.  You'd be surprised what letting go and not being fair and even, all the time, can do for a family.

Remember that the kids need to be happy more than you.  Don't fight with children, spouses, X-spouses, in-laws, out-laws, whoever, and remember that Christ is the reason for all of your blessings and your Redeemer for all of your sins.  Don't disappoint him.  Don't make him suffer for you for nothing.  Make him your focus of all your decisions. No matter if they are fair or not, there is an eternal reason for all we are called on to do and the decisions we have to make.  Christ will take care of all of the unfairness you are called upon to endure someday.  He will make everything right and restore all lost pleasures and blessings that should have been yours in the first place.

Forgive more than 70 X 7.  You will be compensated for all your sacrifices someday.  Just endure it, and most importantly, endure it well !  Remember the covenants you make every week as you take the sacrament.  Be the very best example and Christian you can possibly be. 

Even if you feel betrayed, put upon, or cheated, your stewardship over the problems you have been given in this life, or in other words, your Gethsemane in life, is being recorded by the angels in heaven.  Every action, every word, every thought. 

I know how hard, how very hard this can be sometimes, but learn to say, "Oh, Well," to many things in life and try not to control everything and everyone and you will be a much happier and healthier person.  Also, the people around you in life will enjoy being around you so much more if you aren't always worried about being fair.  Just give it all up.  Let people be themselves and make their own decisions and be responsible for their own decisions. 

I hope this has helped you in some way.  I have had to learn this particular problem myself.  I've learned to say, "Oh, well," and let things go.  People are more important than things.  Just learn to adjust and adapt to others choices.  Just let things be as they may be.  Enjoy whatever you have left from others decisions and you'll be happier, although disappointed, in the long run.  May God bless you in this endeavor and may you accomplish what he wants for you to learn and become in this life.

Pam Hardman

Free agency, Pam. What a novel concept!  And the other idea that really hit me was your wise counsel that everything isn’t always about me.  (“Me” being all of you, and not Kathy-me, because everything really is all about me!)  Thanks for some great suggestions.  I hope that people like Doghouse Man’s Significant Other can look at themselves and see where they may want to step back and take the pressure off those around them.

Read on!

I know this sounds grim, but sometimes the only way to make Christmas or Thanksgiving bearable is to recognize that it is not always possible to make everyone happy or to not hurt anyone’s feelings.  Don't get me wrong, I do think it is important to understand all sides, to empathize, and try to see where everyone is coming from.  But if it gets to the point where you are bending over backwards every year and nothing you do is ever good enough for your family or your husband’s, then it's better not to invest so much of your own emotional well being into making everyone happy.  Certainly if you still try it is better
not to expect to succeed. 

The truth of the matter is, the only person whose actions and attitudes you have control over are your own.  You can't change the attitudes of your spouse, or your family, or your spouse’s family so they are easier to work with, no matter how hard you may try.  And you can't make them happy without their consent, either.

Angela from Great Falls, Virginia

You make an excellent point, Angela.  Some people (and we all know at least one of them) will never be happy unless everything is always done exactly their way.  And even then they probably won’t be happy because joy just isn’t in them.  Thanks for pointing out that all we can do is our best.  If we’re doing our best and still not making our loved ones happy, we have done all we can do.

In response to Doghouse Resident:

He could have turned the table.  So what, he's spent a decade with his family?  How many years has she spent with her family?  And the war continues...

Maybe this will help:

What an ordeal — deciding on who to spend which holiday with.  Originally, our family decided that one year we would spend Thanksgiving with "my" family and Christmas with the "in-laws."  The next year, it would be reversed.  Easter is with the immediate family.

There are lots of potential obstacles.  Sometimes, it's just not practical to spend time with both sides of the family.  Small children may want Santa to come to their house.  There may be financial responsibilities or work responsibilities (it's impossible for me to get the holidays off, unless I quit, which isn't an option for me).

We moved away several years ago, my in-laws are gone, my dad is gone, my brothers are feuding.  I have always invited my mom to spend the holidays with us.  This is the first year that she's taken

me up on it!!!  It was a very nice surprise that she joined us for Thanksgiving.  I was hoping that she'd spend Christmas with us, but my neice has invited her for Christmas breakfast.  I'm hoping that maybe next year she'll be with us.  My Mom is in her mid-70's and I wonder how many more holidays we'll be able to spend with her.

Netta from Cedar City, Utah

Thanks for pointing out that there can be legitimate obstacles to people going anywhere for Christmas, Netta.  Sometimes we get so caught up in trying to do the annual Christmas ritual that we try to make things work when the better thing to do would be to step back and do something different.

I feel so sorry for these families!  Our tradition started when I was young. We'd have the actual holiday (Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve) with my mother's family, and my father's family always met on the Sunday after. 

And so we have continued with our family.  After all, we've come to realize, it's not so much the day on the calendar as it is the warmth and comfort you get in being together with the family to celebrate a special occasion.  I remember one year (because of a roving chickenpox) we ended up with the Christmas gathering in February — and my Aunt even had kept her cut tree up all that time.  

This year we'll have Thanksgiving sometime in late January because illness and an out-of-town wedding interfered — and we'll all look forward to the gathering and enjoy the opportunity to give thanks for our many blessings.

Jaqui Betts

Snohomish Washington

What?  You mean that most people don’t keep their Christmas trees up until mid-February?  Bummer!

You’re not the only one whose holiday dates are fluid.  Read on for the thoughts of a kindred spirit.

What a great question.  My husband and I move holidays at will so it won't be an issue with our kids.  It started with my in-laws who move holidays to whatever date works for the family.  This way everyone can enjoy Christmas, even if they work in jobs, like policemen or medical professionals, where they may not get the day off.  The married kids can celebrate with both families. 

Christ was born in the spring anyway and Christmas is in December for historical reasons; there is no reason not to have it on another date.  One year when we were moving in December we had Christmas the day after Thanksgiving.

My daughter who is 13 says the families should work it out between them and the wife's parents talk to the husband's parents.  If they can't agree on something, then she says they should have Christmas by themselves so they can offend each family equally. 

If we can all lighten up and think of holiday seasons instead of just days our lives will be easier and more relaxed.  Needless to say tradition is so ingrained in many homes that lots of my friends have been totally horrified at my cavalier attitude towards holidays.  This year I am not even decorating for Christmas.  I just do the things that bring me joy in any given year so we will be baking (some things are sacrosanct).

Liz

You have a wise 13-year-old, Liz.  If more adults were as civilized as she is, Doghouse Resident wouldn’t be living in exile and there would be a whole lot more peace during Christmas (and at all the holidays, for that matter).

What we have worked out is to alternate.  We are the grandparents now, and we hold only one holiday at our house each year.  One year we have Thanksgiving; the next year we have Christmas.  This sometimes works for all of our 6 children, their spouses and their parents-in-laws —- sometimes it does not.  

If our children's in-laws are in town or can be in town they are invited to our home for that holiday.  Our family knows we have no expectations for the alternating holiday.  Some years even that does not work and we only see some of our family on "our" one holiday.  Usually everyone can come by for at least awhile.  On the off, non-celebrated holiday we often have offers from our children or their in-laws.

One year everyone was busy elsewhere and we went to Dennys for Thanksgiving.  It was very nice and peaceful compared to the bedlam of the Christmas that year.  There are 29 in our family, and a peaceful Thanksgiving is rare.   Maybe this solution will work in some fashion for someone else.      

Peggy Klemetson

Pleasant Grove, Utah   

You said some important things, Peggy.  First — you really give consideration to the parents of your sons- or daughters-in-law.  That’s a rare practice, and even rarer to know that you invite them over to share the celebration on “your” holidays.

The other thing that really stood out for me is that you’re wise enough not to consider even “your” holidays to be sacred.  Life isn’t always something that can be equally compartmentalized, and it’s great to see you understand that “your” holidays are goals rather than laws.  Your civilized attitude is probably a great relief to your children and the other sets of parents as well.

Read on, for today’s last word on the subject. 

I think nearly every new couple has the challenge of where to spend the holidays.  When my wife and I were newly married we were in the precarious situation of trying to keep everyone happy and in the end no one was happy — least of all, us.  So we decided to stay at our home for the holidays and make our own traditions and family holiday meals.  We then would visit the relatives on other days before or after other than the actual holidays. 

Sure, there were some initial looks of contempt and shock from some relatives.  Invitations to us were still extended and we replied back nicely that we were planning on spending our time at home, together, and doing our own holiday dinner.

After many years and three kids later everyone has accepted the situation and we are very, very happy.  There is no pressure to fight holiday traffic and to try and please everyone.  Instead of the holidays being crazy and stressful we can relax and breathe easier that day and actually enjoy it. 

I know there are still some in the extended family that look at us like we are heretics.  We also don't travel to every other cousin's out of state wedding reception either (which doesn't make us real popular), but my kids don't mind not missing the endless 24-hour car trips for a one day event either.  Hopefully their memories of the holidays will be of times where there was peace on earth, good will towards men, and time spent together enjoying the holidays instead of enjoying the highways.

Jason Orton

Stratford, CA

Thanks for reminding us of why the Christmas season exists, Jason.  Making your own family traditions is surely one good way to create a peaceful holiday that allows time for family members to reflect on the reason we celebrate Christmas in the first place.  Good for you!

Okay, readers, if you have any ideas for future Circle of Sisters discussions, send them to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com. Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn’t spam.  And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you’d rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

“Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family.
Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.”

Jane Howard, "Families"