Family Compromises Keep Christmas Peaceful
By Kathryn H. Kidd

When Meridian readers find a subject that interests them, they don’t lollygaggle around.  They hit their keyboards with great vigor, ready to offer help where help is needed.

In case you missed last week’s column, I told the sad saga of Doghouse Man, who found himself banished to a canine abode after his Significant Other asked him whether he wanted to spend Thanksgiving with her family or with his friends, and he responded as though he actually had a choice in the matter.  Now that Christmas is coming up, he needed advice as to what to do if the question is asked again.  Meridian readers came out in droves to help him.

As you can imagine, there’s a single theme that runs through this week’s letters.  The name of the game is “compromise.”  But Meridian readers are a diverse group, and there are lots of different ways that compromise is achieved.  Read on for a whole bunch of insightful suggestions, followed by another letter regarding Christmas traditions and — yes! — two more letters on the art of decluttering your life.

Here’s the simple solution:

My husband and I shared the holidays with our families by swapping back and forth.  One year Thanksgiving was at his parents’ home and that same year Christmas was with my family.  The next year we switched, so that Thanksgiving was with my family and Christmas was with his.  Easy!

The Robinsons

Thanks for writing, Robinsons.  You’re right.  The solution is easy — if you have family members who play well with others.  If you’ve got a complex family situation (if there are stepfamilies to deal with, or even in-laws on the other side who aren’t as cooperative as you are, for example), things may get a little dicey.

Here’s someone who deals with scattered children plus stepchildren.  That makes her an expert I the art of holiday compromise.

I have five married children all over the place and I am re-married with stepchildren.  We try not to make our children choose where they would like to go.  We don’t want anyone to feel guilty. 

As we know, if they could, they would spend Christmas and Thanksgiving with us.  However, we have made it a tradition that Christmas Eve is the day we celebrate with whomever can come for turkey dinner and gift opening, allowing us a quieter Christmas Day — for my husband and me, and my elderly parents.  Then our married children are free to spend Christmas Day with the other relatives and everyone seems to like it like that. 

With our married children who don’t live in the same province as us, we have coordinated with the “outlaws” that every other Christmas is our year to have the family with us.  It’s just a tradition now — and there is no arguing or hurt feelings.

A Reader from Alberta, Canada

Thanks for pointing out something that should be a no-brainer, A Reader — you don’t want anyone to feel guilty.  Christmas is a time when we should be working to bring happiness to those around us.  If any of us are in the habit of using guilt as a means to get our own way, Christmas is one time when we should cease and desist.  Thanks for the reminder.

Christmas has always been an interesting time, trying to juggle schedules and activities.  As our children grew up and married, starting family units of their own, the schedules became even more hectic — more people, more activities, more in-laws, more work schedules.  

We are fortunate that our children live in a one-hour drive radius from our home.  However, even living in such close proximity, we discovered that trying to find a time for a get-together could be challenging.  We wondered whether it was realistic to expect that we would have an annual gathering.  Did we need to forego the annual tradition and do it bi-annually or even less often than that?

We decided to hold a family council.  After a family discussion about what was important to each of us and to each family unit, we came to some basic conclusions: 

So we started a family tradition that we hoped would eliminate any “Family Holiday Tug-of-Wars.” 

For our Christmas celebration, we get together with our children and grandchildren early in December at a mutually convenient time and have a family dinner and gift exchange (including a fun “gag” gift exchange).  Although we aim for early December, if it ever became necessary, we would consider November as a suitable time for our get-together.

During the Christmas week, we may not see each other (either as a complete group or in smaller groupings) depending on our schedules but, having already had our family Christmas get-together, no one feels deprived.

This approach may not work for every family but we have found it to be a blessing in our lives.

Tim & Iris Read
Edmonton, Alberta

You know what I really like about your letter, Tim-&-Iris?  You had a family council to decide what the family should do.  There were no decrees from above.  Everyone — and I presume that means the kids and their spouses — had a say in what rules were set up.  How civilized of you! 

It was also nifty that you weren’t selfish — that you agreed that Christmas Eve and Christmas morning should be celebrated in the homes of each family unit.  If everyone lives close to one another, that’s a sweet way to do things.  Thanks for writing, and read on for other suggestions.

Our five children live on the other side of the country from us. When they started to marry, the "issue" became apparent that dividing time on the same holiday just didn't work out. There were too many "important" things for them to be a part of. It made it difficult for them, because they didn't want to hurt anyone.

We immediately realized that the children and their growing families should not have to make that choice. We mutually decided that we would alternate every holiday every other year. When we have all of our children and their families for Christmas, the in-laws have them for Thanksgiving.  The following year we switch.

It has worked beautifully, and no decisions need to be "labored over", the year tells us when we get them.

Happy Parents

That’s a good way to do it, Happy.  If the in-laws agree to share that way, you’ve got an excellent solution.

Now that our children have grown and have families of their own, we have decided to go on a three-year rotation:

You can decide which ones are the  inl-aws and outlaws!

So I know that every three years, this Gramma gets the entire family at our home.  The next year, the other Gramma gets all of her family.  The third year, everybody gets to stay home and do their own Christmas.

Barb Michel
Alberta, Canada

You Canadians are so practical, Barb!  I love the way your three-year rotation allows the possibility that your children might want to take their kids to Alaska or Cancun one Christmas, or just stay home and have a low-key holiday celebration.   This way, grandparents are happy and the younger generation doesn’t feel as though they have to travel one place or the other every Christmas season. Brava to you!

We’ve only covered half the letters I’ve received on this subject, so we’ll save the rest for next week.  Meanwhile, here is one more letter on Christmas traditions and two more on clutter — as promised:

Traditions — K.I.S.S.!

Chinese Food! Since we are so busy on Christmas Eve, the last thing we want to do is to cook!  To keep it simple we have always ordered out for Chinese food, because these are the only places even open on Christmas Eve. 

However, this Christmas Eve being on a Sunday, I'm not sure what we will do.   Hmmm, maybe if we go out for Chinese on our way home from seeing the DC temple lights on Saturday night (the 23rd) and buy enough for leftovers on Sunday the 24th — could it work?  It's either that or keep a lasagna in the fridge and just bake it Sunday night while the kids re-create the nativity.

A Nother Reader

Now you’ve gone and made me hungry, and it’s hours until dinnertime.  Shame on you!  Thanks for writing, though!

***

To Declutter, or Not to Declutter

I've enjoyed the varying comments on this topic — an area that clearly hits a nerve for many sisters. I kept waiting for a different view to be expressed, but in the apparent absence of the thought, I'm pushing aside a much-overdue batch of grading to make an important distinction.

Like so many of the sisters, I've battled for years and years to “simplify” my life. I was convinced that if I could just get a better handle on things I would somehow magically be able to be the perfect me I wanted to be the perfect mother, daughter, sister, friend, whatever-my-current-calling-was — you get it. No matter how hard I tried, it seemed that each successive stage in life brought even more chaos and clutter.

Working and going to school was more complicated than living at home with my parents (who knew?!). Getting married made my life better, but also busier and more complex. If one person's junk was hard to manage, two was exponentially worse!  And having kids — well, my kids are my favorite thing in life, but I had no idea what a busy, stressful life could be until kids came along.

Through it all I read every organization book, faithfully tried different techniques and methods for de-cluttering, even seriously considered drastic changes in lifestyle that would force us into a simpler life. I also kept a running list of things that would make my life simpler (and therefore happier):

During the past several months my husband faced some serious health challenges. Although his health has not been as good as we would like for a few years, this was the first time that death was a strong possibility.

Faced with the prospect and reminder of the short-term nature of this earth life, I was amazed by how abundant and bountiful my life truly is. All the things that bring me some stress, keep me on my toes, and frequently challenge me, are the things that also bring me the greatest joy.

I'd been feeling sorry for myself because I work two jobs, have a sick husband, four kids under the age of three (and yes, that was a definite choice on our part, because we spent a ton of money, lots of years, and blood, sweat, and tears adopting our four angels — no "accidents" in our family — I brought that stress on myself!), and the usual worries about childcare, finances, church callings, extended family, household management, my students, my own spiritual opportunities, and everything else that fills a jam-packed life. But I was completely missing the obvious — I wouldn't trade a bit of it with anyone.

I'm fortunate enough to be married to my best friend, and our marriage provides the most fun, most secure, best glimpse of eternity I can hope to find on earth. Even during the darkest times we still make each other laugh. What a blessing!

I have the four most energetic, completely amazing, sometimes insane, children in the world. Each one is an absolute miracle, from their unique journeys into our family to their spunky personalities and spirit. They have me tearing my hair out, but I'm amazed and humbled every day that I get to be their mom.

I have not one, but two jobs I love. I work with incredible people and actually get paid adequately for doing things I enjoy. I'd probably do it for free, so it's a huge blessing to help support my family and find personal fulfillment at the same time.

On top of those blessings, I have a ward full of friends, who have been there for us as we've faced heartbreak and loss, sickness and distress, and celebrated with us at our great joys. What a privilege to share their pains and difficulties, and serve others as we've been served and blessed.

We have a large extended family who regularly add to the stress in our lives, yet who have also proven themselves in the fire of adversity to be true friends — true brothers and sisters — to me and to our family.

The reality is, life is messy. It's often chaotic. It's frequently unmanageable, especially where small children are concerned. Very, very few of us live in what we would term "ideal" circumstances, and so we struggle to bring our (unrealistic) view of a vague ideal in line with our messy, complicated, very real lives.

Lehi devoted a great deal of time addressing this very topic to his son Jacob in 2 Nephi chapter two, including verses we frequently cite regarding opposition. To apply these same principles to this discussion of simplification, "all things must needs be a compound in one" (2:11). In other words, you can't get the beauty of real life without the mess and the stress.

Living a crazy-busy life forces me to focus on the absolute priorities. There isn't room for non-essentials. Keeping the Lord and my family as the number one things in my life keep me (relatively) sane and focused, able to say "no" to all lesser things. Much stress in my life is gone simply because I know I can't be and do everything, and so I gladly let go of everything that is less-important. Those priorities change over time, and that's the way it should be.

This past April, Elder Joseph B. Wirthlin gave a wonderful, life-changing talk titled "The Abundant Life." I wanted to stand up and cheer, except that wouldn't have been very reverent.

It struck me that every principle he taught was applicable to every single person on this earth. It doesn't matter what our personal circumstances are, how heavy our burdens or our stresses, how "simple" or how "complicated" our lives are — we can all follow his guidelines for an abundant life, to drink deeply of living waters, fill our hearts with love, and with our Heavenly Father's help, create masterpieces of our lives.

To quote directly from his talk (with the recommendation that you take the time to read the whole thing):

We are all busy. It's easy to find excuses for not reaching out to others, but I imagine they will sound as hollow to our Heavenly Father as the elementary school boy who gave his teacher a note asking that he be excused from school March 30th through the 34^th…  The abundant life isn't something we arrive at. Rather, it is a magnificent journey that began long, long ages ago and will never, never end...it is in the quest of the abundant life that we find our destiny.

Heavenly Father never promised us simple, decluttered lives free from chaos and mess. He does promise us peace. He does promise us blessings as we obey His laws. He does promise the companionship of His Spirit every messy step of the way.

Thank God for my gloriously complicated, most-definitely-NOT-simplified life! I want the abundance of blessings He so graciously pours out on me, and I'll gladly take the stress and the mess that are part of the package deal. Thank goodness He doesn't simplify and downsize the tremendous blessings and opportunities we're each given!

A Reader with a Slightly Different View in Utah

What an amazing letter that was, Slightly!  You’re not just a glass-half-full kind of person; you’re a punchbowl-half-full kind of person.  You sound like you’d be a whole lot of fun to spend some time with.  Thanks for writing.  (Thanks, too, for contributing the quote I used at the end of today’s column.)

I liked the ideas about the hide-out keys.  I want to add that you need to be extra careful where you put your house hide-out key.  Most criminals know where to look.  You might consider getting a keyless lock for your door.  We have one on our side door to the garage and it is great!!  They cost about $100.

Also, instead of putting your keys near the door when you come home, consider getting a locked box to hang on the wall to put keys in.  Find a discreet location that isn't easily seen by guests.  And then keep it locked.  This will help prevent a home invader from having access to your keys, which in turn means access to your home, vehicles and other items.

Thanks for all the great ideas.

Sheree Angus
Greeley, Colorado

Good point, Sheree.  Thanks for an excellent suggestion.

Okay, readers, if you have any ideas for future Circle of Sisters discussions, send them to circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com. Put something in the subject line that will let me know your letter isn’t spam.  And when you write, be sure to include your full name, city and state or province. (If you’d rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing is that we hear from you.)

Until next week — Kathy

"If you want to move mountains you've got to start carrying stones."

Chinese Proverb