More Simplification Needed
By Kathryn H. Kidd
Who would have guessed that so many of us wanted to simplify
our lives that we’d have a month of columns about it? But here
we are, rounding out the month of ideas on the subject of keeping
life simple — or making it simpler than it is now.
If you’ve missed the previous columns, simply click on the
Circle of Sisters archive link.
Now onward and upward, while we round out our ideas on this
fascinating subject.
First we have a welcome letter from a reader who agreed with
last week’s scrapbook analogy:
I LOVE that scrapbook analogy.
I consider myself a novice scrapbooker,
but I'm not impressed by pages that are so over-embellished
that you can't see the photograph.
I think a timely article for maxed
out sisters would have to me Elder Ballard's talk from the last
General Conference, "O Be Wise." I'm often guilty
of trying to cram too much into the time that I have as well
as goofing off too much trying to "unwind."
I think the key has to be balance, but I personally believe
that the balance needed really comes from learning to rely
on the spirit, not from fancy planner books, pop-up reminders
on the computer and the like.
If we are indeed created in the
image of the Father and the Son, don't you think that they
would know what is best for us? It obviously takes a lot
of planning and organization to create worlds without number,
but we're not there yet. That's why we're given the "line
upon line" principle. Too many of us want to be "perfect"
in everything without acknowledging that the Savior was "made
perfect" after all that he did. If you
contrast the admonitions to be perfect that are found in Matthew
and again in 3 Nephi, only then can you understand that the
Savior wasn't fully perfect until after he had been resurrected.
Just as the "perfect"
scrapbook page varies from person to person, so will the way
that our Father and Elder Brother help us to deal with our individual
stresses. One size does not fit all (just ask someone
who is a size 24!) I love your column, your insights,
and the ideas that you share! Keep up the good work!
Cathy Larsen
I really appreciated your letter,
Cathy. I especially liked the reminder of Elder Ballard’s talk.
My favorite part of that was when he said that just because
you’re in charge of something, that doesn’t mean you have to
do all the work. Delegation is a key to successful leadership
(as well as being a key to the survival of the successful leaders!),
and I was glad for the counsel.
I have
to say that I am so passionate about this. I am one of
those "clean things out at all costs" kind
of gals. I throw away everything, I like it when every
drawer and cabinet are almost bare (it doesn't mean that my
house is in reality this way — it is just the way I LIKE it),
and I like my life to reflect this. I love "down"
time. Reading time, staring off into
space time, etc.
This
past Sunday night I was coming down with what I thought was
the flu. Now, ladies, I am not a wimp and I do not stop
for just any little cold or flu-like symptom. I have got things
to do! But, Sunday night, I had a headache, body aches,
pain in my neck, back, arms.
My stomach hurt so bad, didn't eat dinner, my eyes ached, and
so forth. For sure I was getting the flu! I didn't
sleep, and I even downed four Advil at 4am so I could go walking
with my friend as usual.
Now,
here is the kicker. I talked to my husband that night
(Sunday) and decided that my schedule was running my life, and
not in a good way. I had been waiting for two months
for things to settle down and "get back to normal"!
I finally realized that this had become the norm. My husband
missed me.
I could
do it during the day, mostly, but by evening I was totally and
completely drained. I had nothing left for him or myself.
I was letting library time, calling
stuff, neighborly stuff, and all that other stuff, take away
from our relationship. I made some decisions that night
and carried them out first thing (after my walk) Monday morning.
Guess
what? Yeah, I wasn't getting the flu. I was fine.
It was all emotional and mental. Can you even believe
it? It is one thing to hear about getting physically ill
because of stress, but it is a whole other thing to experience
it (again, because this isn't the first time I have had experience
with this).
My mom
actually went blind for two weeks when I was a baby, from stress!!!
Blind!!!! It is an extreme example, but hey, that was
my mom!! Poor mom.
;)
So, here
is the hardest part for me right now: Sometimes, when
I have to say no or cancel something I feel that the people
involved are judging me or are critical of me. Now, why
should I worry about that? I shouldn't. I explain
it; I feel good about the decision; I am at peace with what
I can do or cannot do. I know that my decisions to have
my kids at home and so forth are right for me. But, I
still feel a little bad about other people’s perceptions or
opinions or whatever! I guess this is just part of growing
and learning to love others at all times and in all circumstances.
Okay,
so now I feel like by writing this I feel a stronger resolve
to #1: Keep up with my plan. #2: To explain patiently
what my plan is when canceling or saying no, and #3: Remember
that this is a process and practice makes perfect!!!
Whew!!!!
Thank you ladies, for letting me put this out there!
Misty Cox
Provo, Utah
It was great hearing from you again, Misty! I like your threefold
plan — especially #3. None of us can be perfect at anything
all at once. We just have to keep trying our best to make it
happen.
I know it’s hard to keep from worrying about whether other
people approve of you, but try to remember that there are very
few people in life whose opinions of you should matter.
If you have divine approval and your husband’s approval, that
should be enough. Everyone else is gravy!
Here are two letters from grandmothers, and both of them have
important things to say:
Thank you for this time around! (Love your columns)
I printed out all 7 pages! Here's why:
I'm an 81 (this month)-year-old great-grandma
who is downsizing to make a life-altering move to be near my
daughter and family! I have never been able to fully
conquer clutter. I got by when I was younger, but as a new bride
I was a total failure. Needless to say trying to make changes
at this stage in life is not easy, but try I
must.
I LOVE THE FLYLADY.NET!!! Wish I had found it long ago.
My house
is going on the market this week and I still have tons (or so
it feels) of stuff to go through before I move cross country
into an independent living one bedroom apartment.
Do I feel overwhelmed? You bet my every-other-day
life! But I will make it. If I don't get some things
fully organized, I will ship it and try again. With all the
great helps I've just found it will be a breeze. With no meals
to cook, no weeds to pull or floors to clean, I can concentrate
on clutter control, which is about to break me right now.
Sister M. Batchelor in Arizona
Good luck on your move! With an attitude like yours, I’m
sure you’re going to thrive in your new surroundings. It sounds
like a grand adventure.
The article
in Meridian really struck a chord with me. I am elderly and really want
to simplify my life so that I won't be a "tormented spirit"
after this earth life remembering what a mess I left!
I have
3-ring binder journals — one for every year of my life, so that
number is in the 80s! I also have my four-generation books
and numerous 3-ring binders of genealogy, my poetry, and stories
about ancestors of my family and also my husband’s.
I have
felt these things were important to preserve because our prophets
have told us so. But now there is the problem of this
voluminous "collection" (even though it is orderly)
that my grandchildren have no room to store, much less take
time to explore and enjoy!
Please
don't let your project of helping your readers with this dilemma
of simplification die, because I, too, am one who is very interested
in hearing some advice. I did all this stuff so that
I could "sleep when the wind blows." Now I can't
sleep wondering what will become of it all, and whether
it would be wise to just trash it all.
A Reader in Utah
No, no, no, Utah
reader! DO NOT TRASH YOUR JOURNALS! Those records are an invaluable
resource, and once they are gone they cannot be replaced.
Fortunately, you have lived long enough to be alive in a time
when it’s possible to keep your information and get rid of the
clutter, too. I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT RENTING A STORAGE SHED!!!
I am talking about transferring all your records to computer.
With eighty-plus volumes of records, putting everything on
a computer would be a huge undertaking. This is something that
would take years for one person to do. But it’s quite possible
that your family members could rally to the cause, with each
computer-literate child or grandchild helping
you transcribe journals or put your genealogy into a
genealogy software program or even take pictures of photographs
and memorabilia to store on a CD.
This also sounds like a good project for a boy who is working
toward his Eagle Scout award. You could have a whole troop
or even a community pitching in! In the process, a whole lot
of people would be fascinated by your life story and would learn
the lessons that your history would teach them.
I have
that word "Simplify" in at least three areas of my
home! It does remind me, but it also makes me feel guilty because
I haven't been able to complete that goal of simplifying my
life completely yet. And you would think after giving
many enrichment night seminars on "organization" in my
area, I would have it down! A close friend and I lament
and discuss this very issue on a daily basis, and we had yet
to come up with the perfect solution — until this week!
Yes, I know it sounds crazy, but I think we found
the answer!
In preparing
my gospel doctrine lesson this week (yes, I have three
callings!) There was a quote that put it into perspective that
I'd like to share with you. Elder Marion D. Hanks said:
The substitutions
we fashion to take the place of God in our lives truly
hold no water. To the measure we thus refuse the “living
water,” we miss the joy we could have (in Conference Report,
Apr. 1972).
So, I've
decided a better word than "simplify" is "Christ." That
helps me put ALL things into perspective. I've decided
that my poor children and my husband and I can't afford
to lose that friendship with our Savior. The cost would
definitely be too high.
I haven't
got there yet, mind you, but I am working on it — each and every
day. And in the meantime, the book Organizing
from the Inside Out by Julie Morgenstern is a fantastic
organization tool! We can all do it, as long as
we put Christ into the center of our lives, and put
things in "perspective." You have already accomplished
the first step — desire! Good Luck to you all!
Brooke Magleby
Idaho Falls, Idaho
You can’t come up with a better focus than a Christ-centered
life, Brooke. Thanks for sending your insight. A lot of readers
will appreciate it.
Here’s a great letter that speaks of practical experience:
A few
years ago we had an ice storm in our area, and the community
was without electricity for several days. It was interesting
to see how people found ways to cope when they were forced to
change their daily patterns of living.
I suppose
this was a forced “getting back to basics,” but during that
experience, we found more time to spend together as a family.
The young people set up a card table in the living room near
the fireplace and played board games together by the light of
a lantern. I cooked meals on a Coleman stove and washed clothes
out by hand. We found ourselves retiring to bed at a more reasonable
hour, exploring nature in such glistening glory, and checking
on friends and neighbors.
Such
an experience helps one to remember many important things about
life. Perhaps others might consider doing this experiment intentionally
by turning off the lights and the computers for a couple of
days. It’s interesting to think how priorities might change.
Nikki Slaven
Arkansas City, Kansas
Thanks, Nikki! Your experiment sounds like fun — especially
during a holiday time when everyone is home and can enjoy the
experience.
Here’s a perspective that comes from an experience that isn’t
nearly so enjoyable:
Hi, my
name is Carol Cahill and I live at 36 Lawrence Street, Gosnells, Western Australia, Australia 6110
The best
way I have found to simplify my life has been to be diagnosed
with a terminal disease with a span of life left to be lived.
Of course not everyone is terminal but in thinking of simplification
of life, priorities come to mind.
The first
one for me is of course the Gospel of Jesus Christ. I
personally cannot separate the gospel from my life. They
are one and the same.
I do
believe the Prophet has asked us to de-clutter our lives, which
for me includes time and material things. When all is said
and done I believe my testimony and my family and friends are
the treasures of life, now and forever.
We have
also been admonished not to run faster than we can walk, and
cramming life with too many outside interests (outside the Church,
I mean) is not conducive to a happy, healthy individual. And
one individual’s unhappiness affects the entire family.
Getting
rid of unnecessary clutter is difficult, but giving things away
to people who will appreciate them has been a lot of fun for
me. I am currently going through videos and books to give
away or sell. What is surprising is that generally these
things are not missed.
A calendar
can be written up and during a Family Council choices can be
made that leave time for the family and the individual to relax
and get to know each other. One family I know has one
meal a day together no matter what.
This
is something that was decided by the family during a council
meeting. Other guidelines could be drawn up so that time
is allotted for talents to be learned and expressed, time is
given to gospel principles (such as prayer and scripture reading
on a daily basis), and allowance for meetings as well as of
course school and work.
Time
must be also allotted for service to others without which, I
believe, we will not survive. Sometimes, if one has the
inclination a desk in a study can be tidied initially and then
at a later date papers and excess rubbish disposed of or filed.
I could go on, but there are many avenues that can help us prioritise and utilize our time and resources for the best
advantages.
Carol Cahill
You make great points, Carol. Only someone in your situation
— or someone whose home was destroyed by a fire — can truly
understand how unimportant material things are in the grand
scheme of things. I especially like your reminder that time
should be made to serve others. Time spent in service is never
time wasted.
I think
I'm like many sisters who feel so overwhelmed by the daily tasks
we face. I'm a stay-at-home mom of one, with one on the way
in November. I am learning how to do the daily chores, chase
around a
toddler, make dinner, serve in my calling and do many other
things. I find at times that I don't even get five minutes a
day for myself, let alone time to read my scriptures. The days
that I find myself taking the time for the simple things, like
reading my scriptures and saying my prayers (even if it's
just five minutes a day) I find myself at ease and feel more
a peace. That sets the tone for my whole day.
Making
a weekly list of my "to do's" and breaking that up
into daily chores helps me simplify my life. That way,
I focus on what needs to be done that day and find that life
is less hectic. Keeping my house clean and with as little
clutter as possible, is another way
that I am able to feel that my life is simplified.
Satan's
tool is for us feel inadequate and
feel as though we can't do things. He wants us to be so absorbed
in our own worlds, that we feel we're too busy to make
time for the important things. Overcoming this is as easy as
saying a prayer and asking for help in ways to simplify
our lives and finding a balance.
Katie Bartow
Austin, TX
Katie, of all the letters we’ve received thus far, yours was
one of only two that has mentioned prayer as a way to determine
how we can simplify our lives. You’re absolutely right — this
isn’t a one-size-fits-all proposition. What works for me may
not work for my next-door neighbor. Prayer is an excellent
way to determine what is the best way for
our own families to streamline our lives.
I'm one
of those busy people who don’t have the time just to enjoy life
as it passes by. I'm a fulltime office worker, I'm 58, with four children, and six grandchildren.
My office at home is a cluttered mess because I can't finish
projects.
Because
I'm busy, I have guilt — guilt because I don't spend enough
time with my family, especially my grandchildren; guilt because
when I get home I'm too pooped to do much of anything, guilt
because the half finished projects just keep piling up.
Here's what I've decided to do. RETIRE! It's just
not worth it to keep working. There's no reward, just guilt
— and who needs guilt these days! I've committed to retire
in February 2008. And I must say once
I made that decision my future, life is looking a whole lot
better.
I'm looking
forward to sleeping in more, spending time with my family.
I'm looking forward to doing more family history work, scrapbooking,
knitting, cross stitching. Now that sounds like a lot of work
I have ahead of myself, but the difference is it's work that I love to do and won't take up all my days —
a little knitting here, a family history there, it's all about
pacing one's self and I'm looking forward to it.
I've
already started to get rid of the clutter in my house. That's
because I've decided to sell the house
and move into something smaller that doesn't take up all my
weekend to clean!
So to the sister in Mexico, and others, see if you can get off the treadmill, become
the turtle and not the rabbit, enjoy life and let most of it
(the unimportant stuff) pass you by.
Eleanor J. Smith Maller
Calgary Alberta Canada
Thanks for a nice dream, Eleanor. Not everyone is fortunate
enough to be in your position, but you’ve given us something
to look forward to.
Here’s another ode to the tortoise. These readers have a good
point to make!
“Hurry
like a turtle” is a Chinese saying. The implication is
in the fable The Tortoise and the Hare. I know getting
rid of stuff frees up the brain and simplifies lifestyles, but
on the other hand some of us would be “busy” until we died —
dejunking. Prioritizing, maybe
we can devote one day a month to the “stuff.” But if we tried
to do it all at once without a troop to help we’d fall back
to that “busy” mode.
I am
sure Satan laughs at the situation we have ourselves in and
loves the urgency we feel to get ourselves out of the “deep
hole of stuff.” If you haven’t used something in a year,
give it away. (Not the turkey baster; a person might not use it one year but needs it the
next.) Individual prayer, prioritizing with the
help of the Lord, and working at a calm and steady pace bring
peace, tranquility and accomplishment.
Darlene Adams
Ephrata, Washington
Ha! I was about to throw out my turkey baster when you saved me from a drastic mistake. But you’re
right. A little bit at a time may be the only way some of us
will ever get our lives decluttered.
Thanks for writing, Darlene.
To me simplifying means removing things from your life that
actually keep you from having time to do the simple things in
life There are a lot of things that we fill our time with that
aren’t of any real value, that in turn make us feel like we
don’t have time for basic things like family prayer, scripture
study, service, reading to our children, FHE, and other important
activities of life.
I’m not saying it’s bad to veg in front of the TV every now and then, but it is one thing
that can take up precious time. Another thing I got rid of was
magazine subscriptions. I figured if I wasn’t finding time to
read the Ensign from cover to cover, then I certainly
wasn’t going to make time for Family Circle. I stopped
feeling guilty for not supporting our school magazine drives
— it just clutters your home with magazines you keep hoping
to have time to read. I’d rather read the Ensign.
I use
a planner so that I can be organized and I use Post-It Notes
for my lists (errands, calls, cleaning, and so on) so that I
can move them from one day to the next if I don’t get to everything
that day. I think having our kids involved in different activities
can be a good thing, but we need to be careful that our lives
are not so full of good activities that we don’t have time for
the better activities — the ones of eternal value.
To me
simplifying means shutting out the noise of the world and enjoying
the simple things Heavenly Father put us here to enjoy — and
yes, it’s easier said than done, but we can give our best effort!
Karen from Rancho Cucamonga
Great letter, Karen.
I don’t know what we did without Post-It Notes. I like the
way you use them to make your life more flexible. Lots of stress
is caused by the feeling that we have to do things now, but
you have — in a very simple way — shown how easily some things
can be put off till tomorrow.
Every
day I deal with sisters who are so busy doing that they have
no time for being. They run from place to place, have
their children overscheduled and themselves strapped to their
mini-vans, and busily try to keep up with their nonmember friends
in terms of lifestyle. Then they complain how stressed
they are, how they don’t have time to visit teach or attend
Enrichment meetings and/or activities. Perhaps we try
to stay so busy so we don’t have to examine ourselves too closely.
As LDS
women, we need to lead — not follow. A simple lifestyle
allows us to become who we need to be because we have time for
service, time to read and reflect, time to care for others and
ourselves. I read somewhere “you never get enough of what you
don’t need.” I think that applies to activities as well
as material possessions. I try to ask myself how each
demand will affect my life. Do I need it to progress or is it
just a time filler?
Relief Society President in Kansas
What a profound letter! We all need the reminder that being
is more important than doing. Thanks for giving us that wake-up
call.
Here’s our last letter. It was actually sent to us after
we’d closed out the topic on scripture reading, but I think
it applies to anyone who wants to simplify a life that is cluttered
with too much to do.
A few
years ago, I sat next to a mother of three in Relief Society.
After a look at my manual's markings and notes, she warned
me, "Just wait. You will never be able to keep that up."
I know
many mothers who never have time alone to read the scriptures.
I decided I didn't want anything to break my commitment to read
the scriptures every day for 30 minutes. And my
solution with two busy boys?
Quiet
time. We have quiet
time every day for one hour and I study the scriptures then.
I learned this from a mother of nine who took a two-hour
quiet time every afternoon. I learned it from a wife of a busy
surgeon who sent her teenage children to quiet time in
their rooms from 8pm on. Whatever your circumstances, women
deserve an hour to themselves to read and think and write!
This
"appointment" with the Lord has a greater impact on
my day than almost anything else. It makes me kinder, more patient,
and quicker to pray for help and inspiration. When I neglect
this appointment things often spin out of control. It
takes some perseverance to observe "Quiet Time," but
it has eternal consequences.
A Happy Mother in Texas
Thanks, Happy! I love the idea of an appointment with the
Lord. That’s something we all need to do on a regular basis.
We have one more letter on the subject of decluttering,
but it’s such a long one that it’s going to take a whole column.
Look for it next week.
Meanwhile, I want to get our next topic all ready to roll
out for the week after next. Our next topic is this:
