P.S. I met a wonderful young man from Acapulco, who was on
his way to Chicago to serve a mission. He was the only
one of his family in the Church, and they wouldn't write to
him on his mission. So I got to be his "mom"
for the two years that he served. Last December, I
was able to bring him to Utah to college but could only pay
one semester of tuition. He is teaching Spanish and English
to groups of people, the way I teach piano lessons, to pay for
the rest of his education. He is a wonderful young man
and makes friends easily. His friends help him too; they
even gave him a car to drive and they pay the insurance.
I love those who provide us with this great magazine!
It's wonderful to be so close to people like you who live far
away.
Lynn Jensen
Central, Utah
St. George West Stake
Thanks for your suggestions!
It is sage advice indeed to think twice about throwing things
away that may have sentimental value later on. I once threw
away a journal that contained the events of my entire last year
of college — plus a bunch of love letters I’d glued into the
pages — because reading it depressed me. How I wish I could
get it back!
Here’s one way to de-clutter
your life — move!
I didn't
realize how cluttered my life was until my husband and I recently
moved out of one part of the country to another. I had read
many times of how to organize, but my need to collect things "to
use someday" in a craft or a lesson REALLY upset the balance
in my home. I was also a garage sale queen.
When
we arrived at our new destination, our furniture hadn't arrived
so we were left to live for a while with just the very basic
necessities to sustain life. We had just two glasses,
two plates, one pot to cook in and an electric skillet.
That was how the rest of our home was — MINIMAL, to say the
least.
I learned
in those three months, that without all that "stuff"
I was set free! My house was ALWAYS clean. I was
free to serve others and not be tied down to the feeling that
I always had something to do in my home.
When
we did get our things, I was able to rid myself of a lot of
clutter and free myself again. I am VERY careful not to
bring extra "things" into my home, because then I
will have to take something out in order to keep balance in
my home.
So many
of the things that I had collected over the years were on
paper. It is now so easy to obtain most information on
the internet. Things such as craft ideas, recipes, ideas for
programs, and other things, are all on the web. I was
a collector of cookbooks and now I don't even look in the books
— I go straight to the computer.
I read
that we as a people think that one knife is great so two must
be greater and three must be awesome. We need to ask ourselves
how often we use three of the same kind of knife at the same
time. That goes for most things in the home. I have
drawn closer to the Lord because my house is a house of order.
Sister J.
You’re a stronger woman than
I am, Sister J. But what you say has merit. I have all my
recipes stored on the computer these days, and it’s a big help
to look for them that way. And if I need a skit for the ward
Christmas party, it’s only a few mouse-clicks away. Maybe I
should follow your advice and jettison all the papers that are
on my desk.
I don't
think that scaling down to a reasonable level of busy-ness is
really all that hard.
To begin with, dinner time should be family time, every day.
You and your spouse need to commit to making this a priority.
If ONE person in the family has a conflict, maybe the family
can arrange dinner to accommodate that schedule, but if you
follow rule 2, that shouldn't be too onerous. If more
than one person has that time booked, then you have too many
outside activities going on and you will have to decide as a
family how to handle it.
Rule 2: Each child should be participating in no more
than one outside activity at a time. That leaves them
free to go to bed early, to go to cubs or scouts, to attend
seminary, youth dances, and other events, and for your family
to still have time for a life together. This leaves your
children time to play (and mom doesn't live in the car playing
taxi).
Children need time to play that is unstructured. All the
experts are telling us that the development of children's brains
is not what it should be, because too much of the time they
are either being told what to do (structured activities) or
they are sitting in front of a TV or a computer. In the
first scenario, they have little opportunity for creativity;
in the second, they are like zombies. If you want your
children to be strong, independent adults, they need to learn
how to entertain themselves.
Many people will tell you the same story as I experienced.
When we turned off the TV, our children played together more
happily, and more cooperatively, but also more creatively.
Those same benefits spilled over into the school yard and classroom.
Now I know that lots of people will say that their child is
involved for 15 hours per week in, say, gymnastics, and they
have four kids in a variety of things, so what time is left?
My response is simple. Why is it so necessary for your
children to be in gymnastics for that amount of time?
Are they really headed for the Olympics? Is the cost to
your family in time apart and the disruption of your primary
values really worth it? Is the goal one that pre-empts
your eternal values that are being pushed aside for the sake
of this activity? Think about it and figure out what will
work for your family that is in accordance with your values.
Rule 3: As adults we have WAY too much stuff.
President Hinckley was absolutely right (no surprise there)
when he suggested we reduce and simplify. People are just
beginning to realize the toll that “stuff” takes on them.
You have to pay for it, store it, clean it, fix it, protect
it and eventually take it to the dump. That means that instead
of focusing on each other, or on service, or playing ball with
our kids, we are constantly wrapped up in looking after “stuff.”
As you declutter your home, you will feel more calm, much more
able to handle the demanding issues in your life. Hence,
decluttering your home is, in essence, decluttering your life.
You will then be more ready to pair down your busy-ness.
You will more confident and comfortable, calmly making choices
that make sense to you and your family. Choices made that
way tend to be better for everyone concerned.
These three rules can simplify your life considerably, but they
are just a beginning. For those of us who work outside
the home, life never has enough hours in the day.
I highly
recommend organizing your family so that the work load is shared
among ALL who live there.
I also highly recommend that you limit the number of outside
things that make demands on YOUR time. You and your spouse
need to figure out how you can spend time together alone, and
time together with your children. That includes work time,
but also time to hike in the woods, play at the park, listen
to good music, make a puzzle, etc. There really isn't
much time for TV (or stress) when you consider all the great
things you might get to do once you open up your schedules.
Have you ever noticed how cheerful and optimistic President
Hinckley is? You don't get like that by being highly-stressed
and overburdened all the time. And no one I know has a
job more demanding than his! He had found a way to enjoy
life. It’s supposed to be fun. If you aren't having
fun, you're going about it the wrong way!
If your life isn't happy, it's your challenge to change it so
it is. You only get one life-make sure its a good one!
Liane
Victoria, BC, CANADA
I like your focus on happiness, Liane. Thanks!
If you want to de-clutter but don’t know how, read on for
two testimonials:
As for
busyness, it is what Nancy Reagan said about drugs, "Just
Say No." We have family policies in place to make
it easier. Since my son as early morning seminary at 6:00am
and gets up at 5:30 am, most nights we start the going to bed
process at 7:30 and everyone is asleep by 9:00. This eliminates
most night activities. On Sundays we don't attend church
functions unless the whole family can go. Our last ward had
them once per month and that was my husband's only day at home,
so we didn't go. My kids did participate in Saturday youth
activities.
Yesterday
I skipped Super Saturday. I homeschool 3 ages 11, 13 and 15.
What I needed most was time alone and my dear husband took them
out to hike and explore for the day.
My teenagers
get a full 9-10 hours of sleep/night that their growing bodies
need. People ask me why they are so mellow. Well who
feels good without sleep? I need my rest too, as does
my husband who has a very demanding job.
For de-cluttering
and organization, I am still working at this, I subscribe to
www.flylady.net.
She is simply the best.
For church
members we probably seem like hermits, but we usually wind up
attending at least one church activity per month and that meets
our needs. When I was homemaking leader I told the sisters
it was an opportunity, not an obligation. I did not want
them to feel guilty or that my feelings were hurt if they did
not attend. The success of a meeting is not measured by
how many attend; it is measured by how well it meets the needs
of the target audience.
My kids’
activities are limited as well, and they are still plenty busy.
The play bridge, take Hapkido, and play musical instruments.
One takes and art class as well. All of these fit into
our daytime hours, and everyone is home at 6:00 for family dinner.
Liz deForest
Santa Monica
Sleep! We all need more of
it. Thanks for the reminder. And I love your quote about enrichment
meetings being an opportunity and not an obligation. What wise
counsel!
And here’s another testimony
of flylady. She must be good!
FLYLADY.NET
helps you de-clutter your home, mind, body, life. It is life-changing.
Browse
her website. You may decide to subscribe to her free daily
"digest" email newsletter to get all her reminders
at once. It’s less clutter than getting so many separate ones
each day. Or read her books — Sink Reflections, or
Body Clutter.
She urges
us to bless others with our surplus; shows where to go for weekly
menu planning and how to dress better. It's incredibly freeing
to donate my surplus to Deseret Industries and Salvation Army. Mental
health improves in clean spaces. She understands CHAOS: Can't
Have Anyone Over Syndrome. She's hilarious.
It's
helped me eliminate my "stinkin thinkin"; showed
how to do first things first; take care of me-get "dressed
to shoes". Sort of love yourself first, step-by-step.
I've
been a devoted member of the LDS Church for many years and believe
the doctrine, yet this has done more for my ability to actually
DO the golden rule than anything else I've tried in my life.
Ever.
FlyLady
talked in the LDS Conference Center in SLC last month with
Stephen R. Covey and others for the American Mothers annual
convention.
Check
out FlyLady's suggestions for stress-free Thanksgiving and
Christmas dinners; how to FACE (Financial Awareness Continually
Empowers) your finances (good idea before holiday shopping);
how to get the house ready for company 15 minutes at a time
so you can enjoy the holidays; giving gifts of zoo/museum
memberships instead of clutter gifts for Christmas; and how
to move without taking junk with you; how to de-clutter.
Check
it out.
A Happy Flybaby in California
Thanks for the suggestion, Flybaby. And here’s another book
recommended by a reader:
I had
heard on a radio talk show about a book that I sought out and
purchased. It has really given me a tremendous amount of insight
on my life — a woman with a busy full-time career, six children,
two cats and a fish... The book is CrazyBusy: Overstretched,
Overbooked, and about to SNAP! by Dr. Edward M. Hallowell,
M.D. Brace yourself for the plain ugly truth about yourself
and some nasty but critical self-evaluations and homework that
you must do to get to the bottom of your crazy busy life!
Carol A. Helman
Waynesboro, PA
Thanks for the suggestion, Carol. When I’m ready to face
the “plain ugly truth” about myself, I know exactly what book
to buy! Thanks for the laugh that came with the advice.
I think
the Lord let us know one of the names of the plan of salvation
is The Great Plan of Happiness just to help us get that fixed
in our minds and in our hearts. When I was a young mother I
really thought it was my duty to give my children lessons in
all kinds of things. Strain on budget and emotions and physical
effort was large but I really thought I was supposed to do this
in order to be a good mother.
While
walking around my block one night to ponder I met a neighbour
who said something that really hit me. She said our real job
was to help our children to be good people. That has helped
me think about my priorities and scheduling and life.
To be happy and to be good. I don’t want to tell others what
to do or not to do but to be able to be examples of happiness
and goodness to our families will take deep thinking about what
we do with our time. Before you can change your scheduling and
busyness you must have a foundation upon which your life is
built any you must take time to think about why you do things.
I am finding that if the foundation is right then the rest will
be right too.
There
were a group of people in the ancient world that lived after
the manner of happiness. I often reflect on what it must
take to live after the manner of happiness. First of all
I am encouraged to see that there is a manner in which to live
to be happy. They were industrious and busy people too
but they didn’t let that stop or interfere with being good.
They had a foundation of goodness built upon the Savior and
the gospel.
Very
talented people and very busy people can also be unhappy so
there must be something to having a firm foundation first and
building upon that. I read in the scriptures that there
was happiness affixed to keeping the laws. So I am thinking
that before we only slow down and change our schedules or free
time that we lay a foundation of goodness and happiness and
build upon it.
Trisha from Cardston, Alberta
Thanks for your observations,
Trisha. Your letter reminded me of a trip to Vermont that Clark
and I took years ago. We had been hired to write a cookbook
for a fancy bed and breakfast inn, and were given a free room
for a week so we could do the research. This town was near
the birthplace of Joseph Smith, and we took those Yankee ideals
to heart by spending our time at the inn working ourselves to
the bone. I kept thinking of the words to that hymn whose name
I can’t remember, “The world has no use for a drone.”
After several days the inn owner,
a transplant from California, informed us that we weren’t just
there to work. We had permission to enjoy the area and the
surroundings and the inn itself. Despite his New England heritage,
Joseph Smith probably spent a good deal of time appreciating
his surroundings, and we were glad to follow his example even
though we had to be forced to do it.
(Parenthetically, I’m glad the
words to the hymn were changed. There IS time for sitting around
doing nothing. And if there isn’t, there should be.)
It looks as though the state
of Colorado is worried about overscheduling, too. Here’s what
Carla from Fort Collins had to say:
I just
finished reading the sisterhood
article that started this topic. I loved the quote at the end — but it really finishes
the article. The problem with us, especially Americans,
is, we have too many desires.
There
was an article in the Coloradoan (Fort Collins newspaper) last
Tuesday called “Time Out.” A Colorado group called Take
Back Your Time Day started four years go, trying to do something
about overwork, over-scheduling, and time-famine in North America.
This year's theme is spending more time around the table — the
dinner table, the picnic table, and the card table.
Americans
are not taking enough time for relationships — family, friends,
community, and civic engagement. The lady interviewed
said, "I think it's about changing attitudes, changing
work habits. I've looked at what my priorities are, what
really makes me happy and what's extra. We are trying
to find ways to live more balanced and sane lives."
I thought
this had something to do with the Circle of Sisters subject
— you know, desires versus wants. People who complain
CAN make time work on their side — if that's what they really
DESIRE.
We'd
all be much better, less stressed, if we "Have few desires."
THAT'S the key. Not only do we have desires for ourselves,
we desire this "for the kids" or we desire "this
would be great for us to do this year" or "this would
look great in the yard." The list goes on and on.
As a
child, I know that I only did one thing a week — my piano
lessons. (And I walked to them by myself.) You probably
didn't do more than one thing a week either. That's just
how life was, and how life can still be, if that's what you
desire. Too many parents get hoodwinked into thinking
that their children have to been in a sport (or more
than one, or one every different kind of season), and
music lessons, and scouts, and church, and
cheerleading, etc. etc. etc.
Ask,
who's the mom?? If you can't sit down around the
dinner table together, some things HAVE to go. Period. It's
the "desires of your heart" that count.
Carla Child
former Virginia resident
Great thoughts, Carla. Thanks
for sending them. And if you really want to spend more time
around the game table, you know exactly where to move.
Stay tuned next week — and the
week after that — when we’ll hear more from our readers on this
interesting subject. Meanwhile, if you want to suggest a topic
for Circle of Sisters, our address is circleofsisters@meridianmagazine.com.
Put something in the subject line that will let me know
your letter isn’t spam. And when you write, be
sure to include your full name, city and state or province.
(If you’d rather be semi-anonymous, sign your name as “A Reader
from Michigan” or “Sandy from Timbuktu.” The important thing
is that we hear from you.)
Until next time — Kathy
"Gratitude
unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough,
and more.
It
turns denial into acceptance, chaos to order, confusion to clarity.
It
can turn a meal into a feast, a house into a home, a stranger
into a friend.
Gratitude
makes sense of our past, brings peace for today, and creates
a vision for tomorrow."
Melody Beattie
