Mother’s Day Encouragement for Not-Yet Mothers
By Joni Hilton

The letters poured in this week, for our many sisters, single and married, who are not mothers in this life:

Thirty-some years ago I was where the sister who isn't having children is … Eventually we adopted.  Anyway, it's an important thought that none of these people whose remarks are hurting have the least intention of doing so.  They're trying to be friendly, if awkwardly.  An answer like, "It's not that we don't want (more) children, but it doesn't seem to be in the Lord's plan for now," is a gentle suggestion for your situation.  If someone says something actually painful to you, tell him so.  Once a brother in a stake calling (and a personal friend of my husband's) gave an entire talk about "the mothers of the church."  Afterwards my husband pulled him aside and told him that his subject seemed to have included all women of the church, not just mothers.  (He may have mentioned that I was in the other foyer, crying.)  Brother X was horrified, and was always careful thereafter to refer to the "sisters of the church." 

Remember, we all probably have hurt others by casual remarks.  Many times we don't even realize it was hurtful, because we don't know what other people are suffering.  Even when we know a little, we still slip up.  I know I have said things I regretted many times, apologized when it seemed appropriate, and hoped for forgiveness in all cases. 

Finally, remember what Mother's Day is all about.  I once stayed home from church on Mother's Day to avoid all the celebration of motherhood.  What I should have been doing was being there celebrating my love for my own mother.   —Linda H.

Several readers wrote about avoiding church on Mother’s Day, but we can always go to celebrate our own moms — and if you can’t even do that, remember you have a Mother in Heaven, and think about her on this day.

Several years ago I was studying the scriptures and came across the phrase, “mother in Zion.” I know several women who have this phrase in their Patriarchal Blessings. There are millions of mothers on this earth who are “birth mothers” but very few with the designation of “Mother in Zion.”

A “Mother in Zion” is a righteous woman, who helps Heavenly Father’s children get back home to His Presence.

You don’t have to be a birth mother or even an adoptive mother to do this. I have many dear friends who were the most influential Primary Teachers, Scout Leaders, YW Leaders, and Seminary Teachers who have never given birth — some who have never married. They are most righteous women who help to bring Heavenly Father’s children back home. A mother in Zion leads a righteous life, with the image of God in her countenance, and teaches true and living doctrine to all children. She becomes a Zion-like person, and lifts others to be the same.

God bless all the Mothers in Zion — those who are married with children, and those who aren’t. The Lord is no respecter of persons. I hope that I have been a Mother in Zion to many more children than my own as well. Thank you    —Lois Sucher, Fenton, Missouri

I will never forget the many “mothers in Zion” who shaped my life and helped me along the way.  They are absolute saviors on Mount Zion, and neither marriage nor fertility has anything to do with it. 

I am actually one of the childless sisters.  The Lord has really helped me to see things so differently than most childless women do.  I have come to realize that just because I don't have children from my own womb doesn't mean I am not a mother.  There are opportunities daily to love and support the kids in our ward.  We have been blessed to have some incredible friends in our ward that have allowed us to become like an aunt and uncle to their children.  When our friends need a date night, we get a much loved night with the kids…

Another help has been being open and honest with our ward members about our fertility problems.  They share in our joys of adopting children and are very supportive in any helps we need in pursuing that avenue… 

Ultimately, though, it is the gospel that helps us be glad when we could choose to be sad.  The saving ordinances of the temple will allow us to be sealed to any children we adopt as though they were born to us.  How can we be upset we can't have children naturally, when the Lord has afforded us another way?     —Kristi Lemus, Sacramento, California

What a saint you are, Kristi!  My daughter has been “adopted” by a couple of women who want to be her grandmother, in fact.  Neither was able to have kids of their own, but that hasn’t stopped them from reaching out to be what they’ve always dreamed of. God bless them.

I was blessed at an early age to have but one child and have since been given the, 'Oh, you only have one’ look — which I guess that is better than the ‘Why don't you have kids?’ look. Shame on those who insensitively ask these questions or feel that sisters who do not give birth have not had the opportunity to be mothers in different ways. I agree with you — heaven help those who make someone's heart that is already broken, ache with the recapitulation of "be fruitful.”

I make it a point to send each sister I know a variety of Mother's Day cards and thank each one for the children’s lives they have touched for the better. Going through delivery does not a mother make...

The next time someone insensitively asks, I would answer that the Lord is still at the helm, His plan is perfect and the righteous sisters who did not get the chance in this mortal probation will certainly be afforded the opportunity in the Celestial Kingdom.  Who knows — they may have a hundred children.    —Sheryl Kelly, Houston Texas

Oh my, be careful what you wish for, right? Loved your card idea!

I have never had to deal with being childless, but I have witnessed two very powerful influences.
The first one is our neighbor Mary.  She and her husband tried for years to have children, but each attempt resulted in miscarriages.    She is now in her 80s, and has been our neighbor for over 25 years.  Although this isn't important to me, I will tell you she is active in her Protestant
Church.  

When we moved into our home, our five children ranged in ages from 7 years to 6 months. Mary and her husband just seemed to adopt our children.  Over the years she has remembered their birthdays, attended their missionary farewells and wedding showers. When some of the children were having health problems, she would comfort me by letting me know she was remembering our family in her prayers.  Now our children are grown and raising families of their own.  When they visit us, they also have to visit Mary and introduce her to the babies.  Basically, Mary still keeps in touch with them.  It has been a very sweet experience for our family.

Then there's Sister Sheri Dew.  She provides such a positive example to women on all different levels.  So often I've heard her mention in various talks that she is very involved with her nieces & nephews.

Even now with all my children grown, I still feel my life is greatly blessed by my association with children even when they are not biologically connected to me.   My suggestion to women, no matter what is their current life circumstance, would be to open your heart to children and become
involved in their lives.  Perhaps the joy from those associations might help to diminish your heart's sorrow. —Sheryl Anderson, Logan, Utah

Great examples!  And even moms whose kids are out of the nest can reach out and be involved in other children’s lives.  There is no limit to how much love we can spread around. 

This letter came from a sister who has been there:

In truth, Joni, there isn't much that will help the sister.  She is going to hurt.  She is going to feel "empty arms" and Mother's Day is painful.  I was so tired of hearing people tell me I would be a mother in the next life if not this, that I should consider adoption (my husband would not), and even had well meaning sisters give unsolicited advice on  ways to be sure I would get pregnant (I will spare you the details!). 

What did help was sisters who would include me in helping with their children;  A good bishop who finally gave me a Primary calling (others thought it would be too painful ... yet I longed to  be around children!), and when I stepped out of my dis-comfort zone and  began to volunteer with Cub Scouts and other youth activities.  I became a master at saying, "Thank you for your thought.  This is a very personal subject that I just choose not to discuss," and then would squeeze their shoulder or arm and smile and walk away.  

Now I am the mother of two children and Mother's day is a joy.  But I never forget the years of emptiness.  Because of that I am especially sensitive to the sisters in my ward that are childless.  I go out of my way to speak to them if they are there that day, and make sure I don't say any of those awful, well meaning but worthless phrases that so many said to me.  One year I saw a young woman who recently had miscarried for the umpteenth time sitting in the overflow room crying.  I went and sat by her and held her hand.  I just whispered to her, "I have been there," and  let her grip my hand.  Before she finally got up she hugged me.  I just said I understood.  Later she told me it helped her more than anything else could have. 

Now that I am Relief Society President (again!) I have asked the Bishopric to be very sensitive when they give out flowers.  Be careful in their wording and give a flower to "All women in the audience."  We have made it a habit to recognize Mother's Fay as a day to celebrate womanhood.  No sister has seemed to mind.  And it has eliminated the awkwardness for the few motherless women we have in the ward.  Granted there are only a few, but can't we just be sensitive enough to the "one."  After all, the mothers there are most probably getting gifts and recognition at home.  

Thanks for letting me unload.  I know this is way too long to print but it has been a blessing to me to recall those years as compared to these years ... and will help me once again be sensitive as Mother's Day approaches.     —-Name withheld, from the Midwestern United States

I loved your letter, and I hope it gives some ideas to all sides — those who need comfort, and those who need to give it.

I am the mother of an only — yes, your heard me — only child !!  This is just the way things worked out.  And yes, I still can get a Recommend!! 

I too, have grown weary of the stupid comments made by others about this.  When will we realize that there is more to a woman than her ability to reproduce!!!!!  Wake up, people!!  Procreation is not the same as salvation!!  Just because you can become pregnant, does not automatically mean you will be a wonderful mother!!  And, just because a woman has a ton of kids, does not mean she planned it that way!!  Believe it or not!!  There are many sick and weary moms of large families who have wished that they had stopped a few kids ago.

I have a friend who has spent tens of thousands on infertility clinics, and finally adopted two kids.  Funny thing, I never once asked her "When are you going to get pregnant?" or "Don't you want any children?" She was the victim of many cruel and thoughtless comments over the years.  I finally told her that the ones that care about her the most, care the least about her ability to reproduce!!  It really does not matter!!

My own one-liner when folks ask me about "why only one child?" — I tell them, "I got it right the first time!!!"  That usually shuts them up!

Can you tell this has hit a nerve?  We need to wake up and realize that not everyone can have a ton of kids, or wants or can handle a ton of kids.  It is none of our business, and we need to just let it go, and make sure that our own kids are perfectly behaved and wonderful before we shoot off our big mouths.   Believe me, ladies, if someone thinks it is your business about the size of their family, or the lack of one — they will tell you!

Just remember, there was a lady in the General Primary Presidency a few years back that was childless herself!!                   —Julia Jackson, Mesa, AZ, proud mother of her only child, who is a returned missionary, Eagle Scout, and married in the temple

Good for you, Julia.  I found myself muttering, “Here, here!” as I read your letter. 

This sister wanted to sound off about Mother’s Day, period:

There does seem to be a lot of awkwardness and guilt as moms listen to tales of “angel mothers.”  We will make a great deal of progress when we approach it more honestly, and realize that we’re all striving and nobody is perfect.  We can still appreciate our moms without elevating them to deity, can’t we?

I like what this eager-to-be-a-grandma sister shared:

… I attended a temple wedding ceremony where the sealer told the newly married couple that they were now the captains of their own ship. He then turned to those of us who were there to witness that blessed occasion and said, "Parents and friends, it is time for you to get off their boat!" We got a chuckle, but he had made a very important point.

Then she reminded all childless members:

Please let these sisters and brothers know how very important they are. Please express the love and concern I have for them. Please tell them that they are needed in our meetings and in our lives. Thank you     —-Charlene Paul, Logandale, Nevada

How true that is. Another sister sent out a plea to all unwed mothers:

I have been lifted by my thoughtful visiting teaching companion who admits when she doesn’t know what to say but listens and offers a hug.  I have been helped by friends who remember and give a hug and listen.  I think the best is to reach out to our sisters, recognize her suffering and serve her.  This has helped.  I also take comfort in knowing that those who are not honoring covenants and their stewardship as mothers will not have eternal increase.  On good days I remember my own advice but it is still difficult on the “grieving days.”  This will all make sense in the next life but hopefully my sorrow will be lightened by the thoughtfulness of others and their faith and prayers on my behalf.  My only hope is that if there is a young woman who has conceived a child out of wedlock she will consider placing her baby for adoption with a couple that can provide an eternal family.  I hope that the parents of this young woman will also have the courage to be selfless and support this girl in placing the baby for adoption.  Although it will be difficult she will provide a priceless gift to a couple that has been waiting many years and will cherish her sacrifice!    —Christine Anderson, Salt Lake City (our adoption website www.BrianChristine.com )

How I hope you have touched the hearts of some young girls trying to make that decision.  I know I will forever be grateful that my birth mother put me up for adoption, and allowed me to be raised in an LDS home.

This mom reminds us of how much easier parenting will be for those who must wait:

I am not childless….  Frankly, if I had been given the choice of motherhood with morning sickness, sleep deprivation, mortal weakness and a sinful world or postponing the blessing and raising a child or children as a resurrected being during the millennium, I think I would have been willing to wait.  I think that we can trust the Lord that no blessing will be withheld from the faithful.  We just have to look beyond our mortal limits.  —Bett Huffaker, Castaic, California

This sister has used her experience to help others:

I am now in my middle 50's and been married for 32 years and have never borne a child.  I truly empathize with the sister and her hurts … I have also had the blessing of being a military spouse and moving every 4-5 years.  Each time I have been assigned sisters as a visiting teacher and found at least one sister in my assignment had the grief of infertility, miscarriage, crib death or in one way or another, being denied a child.  I believe in my heart, that Father has used my grief and my pain to reach out and understand others' pain. I pray my sweet sister will have the strength to try to give others the benefit of the doubt, go to her Father for the comfort to heal hurts from thoughtless remarks, and find her path, whether mothering children of her body, or those born to others. I lovingly advise other sisters who are responding to a non-mother's pain, to simply tell her you love her, and that you are sorry for her pain.  Do not offer platitudes, or pat counsel.  Validate that her feelings are real and just offer your acceptance and support as she finds her particular path to deal with being "childless."   —Pamela Bunce, Ardmore, Oklahoma 

So many times I’ve found I could offer genuine empathy to someone who has gone through a trial like the ones I’ve had.  We must always remember that one of the reasons we have them, is so we can help others, and let them know they’re not alone.

For several years, I participated in an online support group for women who struggled with issues surrounding infertility, miscarriage, and adoption.  I would highly recommend that you check out their website and inform your readers of the great good that has been collected into the website at http://2ofus4now.org/

The lady who designed this webpage and set up the email support list is named Krista Oakes.  She is an incredible, wise woman who has been through much.  She wanted to help other folks through their struggles.

So, my advice is to connect up with other people who truly understand what you're going through.  You will still have to deal with the insensitive remarks from those who don't understand, but you will have a set of unseen friends to assist you in your journey.   —Colleen Poole, Taylorsville, Utah

Good suggestions, Colleen; thank you.

I am now 50 years old, never married, and that is why I never had children … 

I had to have a hysterectomy when I was 36 and grieved for several months about the loss of the ability to have children. As the recuperation progressed, I had no more physical pain.  Over time as I healed emotionally I realized that the biological clock was no longer a concern either.  I feel that with this pressure off that I have been able to make wiser choices in my relationships.

I consider myself a mother in Zion now and take great comfort in knowing that the Lord is mindful of me and that I will not be alone in the next life.  My plan, if I never marry in this life is to look up some of the sons of Helaman in the next life.  Can you imagine the Singles activities in the next life?  The quality of men should be a sight to behold and my body will be a size 8.  Hopefully as a parent in the next life we won't have to deal with the "Creepager" stage either.

Life has not turned out how I thought it would.  I can't speak for anyone but myself. Marriage might still be in my future. Who knows what will happen.  My grandmother married in her 50's and took in unwed mothers and foster children in the 1930s.  She and my grandfather ended up adopting two of those children.  My own mother was born when my grandmother was 63.   My grandparents rescued my mother from a woman who was not prepared to be a mother and gave me and my siblings a better chance to be exposed to the gospel.  This has been a blessing for all of my family.  In one of the quotes from a favorite movie, Raising Arizona, the main character says to his wife concerning their life, "It ain't Ozzie and Harriet." 

I don't know if any of this can be helpful but just wanted to express how I have coped as a single sister in the church.  Thank you for this opportunity to vent.    —Deborah L. Parker, Yuma, Arizona

Deborah, you can bring your cute sense of humor to the Circle of Sisters anytime.  What a great attitude you carry through life. (I have a friend with a wayward husband who’s hoping to get sealed to Cary Grant in the next life!) 

This sister’s letter brought tears to my eyes:

Before my first miscarriage I received a blessing. I had asked our home teacher to pronounce the blessing because I was afraid that my husband would only say what I wanted to hear. The words of the home teacher were, "your baby will live." The following night I saw her. It was so real (and still is) that I know it was more than a dream.

I felt betrayed. I felt unworthy. And to make matters worse: I felt like a second class citizen in a church where members make you feel like "multiply and replenish" is the highest commandment.

Two years after the military had moved us to the States we started looking into adoption through LDS Social Services. I had given up all hope of ever becoming pregnant again and in addition I was now scared to get pregnant because I could not handle another loss. But I could not see myself going through this life without being a mother. One of the questions our social worker addressed was whether or not I was reconciled to my infertility. I told him I could not see that that would ever happen, but that it was not standing in the way of my being a good mother to an adopted child. When our first daughter was placed in our arms only seven months later, I started to heal. There was a poignant moment only hours after receiving her that made me realize that she was the baby I saw in my dream. My baby did live — she just had to take a detour. Over the next several years we added another girl and then a boy to our family. After we picked him up I felt at peace that our family was complete. I no longer yearned to hold every newborn baby. I no longer cried when I found out that yet another one of my friends was pregnant ... again. But yet, I still mourn the fact that I never had the experience of being "co-creator with God." Not being able to feel life growing inside of me. But I do what the sister you mentioned does: I count my blessings — all 3 of them — and am thankful that I did not have to go through three C-sections or nine months of morning sickness.

When I was homemaking counselor in our RS I made sure that we offered diverse classes — that not each and every class was devoted to "raising children."  I will never forget being invited to homemaking by our old RS president in Germany and I pointed out to her that none of the classes applied to me: 1) Cutting your children's hair, 2) packing nutritious school lunches and 3) Back-to-school shopping.) I vowed to do whatever I could so that no sister in our ward would ever feel that homemaking has nothing to offer for them.

To the question, "What can we say to make it better?" I don't know that there is anything that will make it better. Hold back on advice like, "Now that you have adopted you will probably become pregnant," or "There was probably something wrong with the baby so it was probably for the best."  Do not tell me that pregnancy and child birth is overrated (I have been trying to tell myself for years and it doesn't work).  Don't tell me how much better off I am without kids. While you are tired of spending yet another night changing the sheets on your sick child's bed for the third time, we wish we could have your problems. I think the best is to say nothing — to just be there. Really be there.  Acknowledge that you don't know what to say. That you hurt for the other person. Invite her to talk about it and be a shoulder to cry on. Don't ask prying questions, but let the sister feel that you are there for her. Get to know her. Find out by being with her what she feels comfortable with. Our home teacher and his wife had busy callings during church and we took care of their baby so they could do their callings without distraction. We felt comfortable enough at that point to do it and they knew us well enough to approach us.

I think what comforted me the most was when someone said, "This must be so hard for you." Or, "I have no idea how you feel, but I would like to help. Tell me what I can do." And then listen. Listen! We may not always feel like talking, but we could sure use all the friendship we can get. Sincere friendships. We need to feel that we are still part of the ward and the sisterhood. But everyone's needs are different. While someone else may find comfort in being a nursery leader, I told our bishop I would go inactive if he called me to any position in the Primary. I was too raw then to handle it.

When one of my best friends got pregnant, she took me aside. She said something like this, "I have no clue how to tell you. I know you hurt when you see pregnant women, so I don't know how you would feel being around me for the next several months." I had no problem handling her joyous announcement.

Hard to handle are talks extolling the virtues of motherhood and adding as an afterthought phrases like, "Your time will come," "You will be blessed with posterity eventually," "If you remain faithful no blessing will be withheld." Those one-sentence clichés (though true) come across as condescending. Please, give us more than one sentence. Tell us that Heavenly Father knows our struggles and that he weeps with us. Tell us that you hope and pray that his love will comfort us until the time is right for us to receive this blessing. Place yourself in our shoes — as hard as it may be. Time does heal, but there is no plastic surgery for the scars that childlessness leaves behind.   —Name Withheld 

I feel I know far better how to respond to a hurting sister, after reading your letter.  Thank you so much.

And, for those who have simple had it up to here with the dolts and boobs who make uncaring comments, let’s end with a light note:

I would suggest that the next time someone queries this dear sister about why she doesn’t have more children, that she get out her best acting skills.  When the person asks, break completely down into tears and blubberingly say, “We are trying but it just isn’t happening.”  Hopefully the overbearing person will feel so bad that she will never bring up the subject again.  —Lester Ann Jensen, Lethbridge, Alberta, Canada

Thanks to all who shared, and Happy Mother’s Day to all!   Joni