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Beating
the Bully Problem
by
Joni Hilton
I had no
idea how my advice about bullying would strike readers; I figured
some would accuse me of over-reacting. Instead, an avalanche of
support poured in-- and some superb advice for parents to keep on
hand should your own kids ever confront a bully. Here’s one mom’s
story of how bullies severely affect our children, and why
it’s vital to have a zero tolerance policy, and take swift action:
My stomach is
churning as I respond to your article on bullying. I am an educated,
articulate, stay-at-home mother. I volunteered in all my children's
classrooms, drove field trips, developed relationships with my children's
teachers, and ensured that I kept a presence in their school lives,
without being overbearing or obnoxious. When our youngest daughter
was in 6th grade, we watched in great dismay, as she changed from
a well adjusted, bright, confident and vivacious child into a frightened,
angry and depressed shadow of herself. She even got to the point
where she was talking about taking her own life.
The changes
were gradual, but there was a definite "starting point"
and it took us months to determine what was happening to her. While
in the past she had always been an eager student, she began feeling
"sick" every school morning. She was argumentative and
angry, but when my husband and I tried to talk with her, she just
said she "hated school and hated us for making her go there
every day." We spoke with her teachers to try to understand
what might be happening. They, too, were perplexed, until one afternoon,
they witnessed two female students at the school who were "in
our daughter's face." The teachers didn't see any physical
bullying, but they intuitively knew that our daughter was somehow
being intimidated as they watched the exchange from a distance.
When we spoke with our daughter, she admitted that these girls had
been making her life "hell," but she was terrified that
things would escalate if the girls were approached to account for
their behavior. There is not time enough to enumerate the litany
of administrative indifference, internal "damage control,"
and administrative cowardly behavior which we encountered when we
went through the "proper school channels” to try and seek relief
for our daughter. It will suffice to say that in spite of our repeated,
balanced (read: non hysterical) attempts to work in concert with
the school administrators, the parents of the bullies were never
called in to meet with any school administrators.
Both girls’
parents told the principal that "their daughters were not like
that,” etc. When we insisted that the bullies needed to be dealt
with by the school, the principal said that he would keep them in
at recess and at lunch time for a week, but also suggested that
perhaps our daughter was somehow overly sensitive, and that she
needed to seek psychological counseling. We assured our daughter
that the principal was "dealing with the bullies," so
she got up the courage to return to school the next day. She missed
the day following, and I was horrified to learn (from another parent)
that the principal had let the bullies out again at recess, because
our daughter wasn't there that day.
I snapped, and
drove to the school and planted myself in the hallway outside the
Principal's office. After weeks of trying to work within the system,
(and years of laying the groundwork for a successful home/school
relationship) the only thing which finally made any difference at
all was when I stood outside the Principal's office, screaming at
the top of my lungs, demanding that my child be protected (I had
never before exhibited anything but polite, congenial behavior in
all the years at this school).
We found out
later that in the midst of all our daughter's turmoil, that the
principal had chastised her for not "coming to him sooner,”
and intimated that our daughter had brought this on herself somehow.
We spent a great
deal of time on our knees pleading with the Lord to help us find
a solution to this situation which would protect our daughter, but
still leave room for her to feel that she had some control over
her life. Ultimately, the "Mother Bear" scenario was the
only way to get any protection for our daughter. Bullying, particularly
with girls, doesn't always manifest itself with the "black
eye:" it can take the form of insidious, creeping social rejection,
undermining of confidence, unspoken but unmistakable (to the victim)
threats to social safety, and often the evil and devastating eating
away of a girl's sense of her physical acceptability ("you're
fat,” “you wear loser clothes,” etc.). It is almost impossible for
the victim to articulate a specific threat to their safety when
the threat comes in the form of silent social rejection. Even the
friends of the victim can pick up the message that they could be
"next” if they show compassion to the victim.
Joni, you were
exactly right to tell Chris Lee to arm herself with information
and be prepared to involve the police and the media, if necessary.
She truly may be fighting for that child's life. Here in Canada,
we have already lost some precious children's lives to bullying.
It should not be considered a "rite of passage" for the
children who consider taking their own lives in order to escape
the bullying. Satan truly has the upper hand if we allow children
to destroy other children. There is a fine line between weathering
the slings and arrows of adolescence, and being consumed by vicious
and destructive forces which seek to destroy a child's desire to
continue living. I hope that those who have not been through these
experiences will not dismiss my comments as so much hyperbole. May
they never have to walk a mile in our shoes.
Canadian Sister
What an ordeal
for all of you. I don’t see how these bullies are any different
from the terrorists we see on the news-- “strike first and strike
hard” seems to be the only thing some of them understand. Here’s
a former bishop who agrees:
You go "Tiger Mama." I know it is not the MOST proper
attitude a Christian should have. We are supposed to be "meek"
and "mild" and "acceptant" aren't we? Yeah,
right, go tell that to Capt. Moroni, Helaman and Ammon. These leaders,
and others, never enjoyed fighting, killing or hunting man. However,
they did what was necessary to protect their people. Never aggressively,
but rather defensively...
When my second daughter was in grade school she was bullied by another,
much larger, girl. This abuse was manifested physically by choking
or strangling until she turned blue when the girl would let go,
push her down and then laugh. We noticed a change in her attitude.
She was becoming more withdrawn, sleeping more, wanting to be alone
more often and not talking to us. I was finally able to get her
to talk to me about what was going on. I reminded her that we had
taught her how to defend herself and wondered why she had not tried
to. She stated that the students had been drilled about fighting
and how there was "no excuse" for it. Well, this just
plays right into the hands of an abuser. They usually don't care
about breaking rules. So, I got down on my knees and we went over
defensive moves she had been taught before.
The next time
the bully came at her she got into her "stance" and stood
at the ready. The bully stopped, took a long look at her and backed
down and hasn't touched her since. The two never liked each other
all through high school, but the bully never touched her again.
My daughter had transformed herself into a non-victim. She was not
going to just stand there and take it anymore. She was and still
is a kind, gentle and caring person who confidently stands up for
herself and others more often than she used to. Her father is very
pleased with her and her decision to stand up for herself. -- God
bless, your brother, in the Lord, Craig Mudge, Marysville, WA
Craig, you
came away with the best possible outcome: you helped your daughter
become a non-victim, and rescue herself with her own wits and skills.
Glad you shared your story.
Another reader
wrote with further suggestions:
Right on Joni!!
Your response
was wonderful! As parents we often feel helpless to do something
about the bullying our children endure. We need to realize that
there is a great deal we can do. I liked your response because it
showed that we should not stop pursuing justice just because one
or two people ignored or downplayed the situation. Parents often
give up at this point, when in reality they should become more firm
and go up the authority ladder. Going to the school board meeting
might be a good idea as well.
I loved your
idea of bringing in the media, especially if you do end up having
to press charges. A child can also be arrested for assault when
physical harassment is involved. If you have doubts, don't be afraid
to ask your local law enforcement.
Because there
are a lot of schooling options in many areas, don't forget that
you can threaten and perhaps really pull your child from a school.
Schools are hurting for money and don't want to have students leave,
taking available funds with them.
I would also
advise her to push to have the school pay for the counseling the
girl needs. It is their fault that the bullying went on as long
as it did. It is their responsibility to correct the situation.
Unfortunately,
in these types of situations, you usually have to be somewhat bearish
(Or a tiger) because too many teachers, etc., downplay the seriousness
of the situation and its effects. But, just as we should not allow
our children to be bullied, we do not have to put
up with intimidation or bullying ourselves. Take a spouse or a friend
with you to your meetings or confrontations. Not only as moral support,
but also as a witness.
Thanks again.
Jolynn
Good ideas,
Jolynn. People always perk up and listen when you hit ‘em in the
pocketbook, don’t they?
Another reader
simply wrote:
AMEN, TO ALL
THE ABOVE. YOU ARE DEALING WITH A CHILD'S LIFE. IF YOU DON'T MAKE
THAT BULLY ACCOUNTABLE, YOU WILL FEEL ACCOUNTABLE IF ANYTHING HAPPENS
TO THAT CHILD.
I agree.
And I cannot express enough thanks to the next reader, whose son
did commit suicide as a result of bullying. She has become an activist
for children, and has some excellent “clip and save” information
for all of us:
As one who deals
with kids who are bullied and suicidal every day, I would like to
commend you for your advice to Chris Lee. Rarely do I read proactive
advice like yours. I lost a child to “bullycide” myself so I know
how important it is to take bullying and self-esteem seriously.
The sad thing
is, that many parents are afraid to act on their child’s bullying
and they make excuses, not taking it seriously. After all, who would
ever believe that their sweet child would ever take their life because
of bullying, especially a sweet LDS child? I sure learned the hard
way.
I’ve been working
very hard in the last few weeks for an anti-bullying law in the
State of Arizona. We got one in Washington last year – where I’m
from. My son Jared, was born in Arizona so I thought it would be
appropriate to start my anti-bullying law campaign there. Good laws
can protect those children whose parents will choose to do nothing
to stop their child’s bullying. You can go to "http://www.bullypolice.org/getting_a_law.html"
to read about my trip.
Here’s information
about stopping bullying. As you will see, my advice is very much
the same. You did very good Joni! Wishing you well, Brenda High
(Jared’s mom)
What Parents
can do to Stop Bullying!
By Brenda High
& Ken Kuczynski, President Power
of One Foundation, Inc.
Give the school
a reasonable amount of time to work out minor problems to
your child's satisfaction and your satisfaction as a parent, no
more than one school week. (Every day that a child is being bullied
at school is like an eternity.)
In cases
of a major harassment situation such as a physical or sexual assault,
call the police immediately. These types of serious offenses
must be handled by the police and entered on the abuser or perpetrator's
police record or Juvenile Record. School Administrators can take
some actions against the perpetrator(s) but they are not police
officers.
Document
everything! Put EVERYTHING in writing. Tape record statements,
type them up and have witnesses sign the statements. Take pictures
of injuries, places (buildings), people, etc.
"First,
we cannot say enough about documentation. Getting the dates, times,
locations, and names of not only the bullying incidents, but also
whom you talked within the school system is very important. Write
down any information that you feel will be important to reference
later, especially any comments made by the principal, superintendent,
teachers, etc.
"Second,
do your homework. Obtain copies of your State, school district,
and your child's school policies regarding bullying, harassment,
and your child's right to a safe learning environment. Judging from
the violent acts that have been written about, the schools and the
districts are failing to follow established policies. BE PERSISTENT!
"Third,
don't wait to do something. Act quickly at the first sign of trouble.
Don't settle for "we'll look into it" answers. We trusted
the system to fix the problem and it failed our daughter and us
miserably."
Just a note
here: Many times the kids will say to the parent, “Don’t tell anyone,
it will get worse.” Well, it will get worse, tell or don’t tell,
and it’s guaranteed not to get better if nothing is done at all.
There are countless stories of life-threatening injuries bullied
children and teens have suffered without the parent or school even
knowing that bullying had been going on at all.
Write a letter
to the Principal of the school. Write a letter to the Principal
after each incident of harassment. (Keep a copy in your file)
Write letters
to School Board Members. Write letters to Board members separately
and after each incident of harassment. (Keep a copy in your file)
Write a letter
to the Superintendent. Write a letter to the Superintendent
after each incident of harassment. (Keep a copy in your file)
Go to School
Board meeting and speak out. It's not just your child that
you are thinking about, but all the other children who are harassed
and have parents who won't, or don't know how, to speak for them.
Write multiple
letters to your State Representatives (The State Senate and
House Education Committee). Tell them what is happening in your
school and how your Administrators are handling your child's case.
Ask them to support State laws to protect children from bullies,
students who are whistle blowers, give counselors to victims, and
stronger laws to punish bullies and perpetrators of harassment.
Write a letter to each member of the Committee separately and after
each incident of harassment. (See the
website to see if your laws, policies or codes are listed -
If your State has a law, and only a few do, then don’t let your
school districts ignore their responsibility to obey the law. Get
a copy of their anti bullying policies and insist that they obey
their own policies.)
Write a letter
to the Editor of your local newspaper. Do not embarrass your
child with details, but write instead about your school’s lack of
response for harassed students in general.
Call a lawyer.
If you have not been satisfied with the response you have received
from School Administrators within a reasonable period of time, then
hire an Attorney. If this is a case of a major harassment situation,
such as a physical or sexual assault, call an Attorney within 24
hours. DO NOT let your school become your attorney! Schools do NOT
have your child’s best interest in mind. They want to protect themselves
from lawsuits.
"Fourth,
don't be afraid to take legal action if necessary. There are
assault laws that pertain to juvenile offenders. In our situation,
we had a bomb placed in our mailbox that detonated. Don't wait.
Tell the legal authorities right away. Chances are good that this
will not be the first time the offending child's name has crossed
their desks. With the proof you have collected, especially when
there has been physical violence, obtain a restraining order.
"Fifth,
don't be afraid to tell your story. The ACLU (American Civil
Liberties Union), the press, influential people in your community
including elected officials like school board members. Also, there
is strength in numbers. Try to find out the names of other families
within your child's school who are experiencing similar bullying
and harassment issues. As a group, you can have even a stronger
voice for change and action.
"Sixth,
stay united as a family. Remember that you are not alone. There
are a good number of us out there experiencing the same thing. Have
a game plan in mind including removing your child from the school,
home schooling, requesting that the school provide a tutor, etc.
These are often hard decisions to make, but they may be the only
options available as you work at resolving the problem.
"Be
strong. Turn your anger and disgust into something positive.
You owe it to yourself and your child's academic success and happiness."
Join the
"Bullies" Group! Tell your stories and give your suggestions.
This group is open to Parents, Teenagers, and Teachers... anyone
who cares about "wounded" kids. Go to mailto:bullies-subscribe@smartgroups.com"
Bless you,
Brenda. I wish I could hug you and thank you for making the world
a safer place. You are giving the gift of life to many.
Here’s a
letter that brings up some additional points to consider:
The bullying
plea for advice sounds like a conversation that I recently had with
another mother. I asked her how her son liked the same 5th grade
class that he shared with my daughter and her reply was, "he
hates it." I was a little shocked at the reply since my daughter
is enjoying his class but I let her explain that her boy was being
teased by other children in the class and, "that he'd rather
die than go to school". How's that for an opener? Well I talked
with her for a little while about how bullies work and that a bully
is nothing more than a coward wanting attention for their misdeeds.
They get acceptance from their peers from the bullying they do and
if they are made to feel stupid they will stop. The child MUST stand
up to the bully and put them in their place in order to get them
to stop. Usually a quick remark will work for them at their ages.
Children are
ruled by fear. They are terribly afraid at their young ages of being
made to look stupid. I recommended the bullied child (and parents)
would benefit from being in counseling. The parents should pay very
close attention to how they react in social situations.
ALSO I spoke
with this mother about how a victim sometimes ENJOYS being the victim
from the sympathy, and attention they receive. Let's not teach our
children to receive attention by being a martyr. I have been guilty
of this in my life and have learned that it's not the way to go.
I do not agree
with bullying but in some cases the bully speaks the truth. Does
your child dress strange or have bad hygiene? These are targets
for bullies. Make sure you know as well as the child knows what
is acceptable and what isn't.
I think the
key is to know what is happening with your children every day. If
they are being bullied or teased put the power with the child to
overcome their own obstacles in life. We will not ALWAYS be there
to protect them. When we are not with them they need to know how
they can protect themselves both physically and emotionally.
Amanda, Eagle
Mountain, Utah
And here’s
encouragement for younger kids to diffuse a bully’s power in a less
serious situation:
I was bullied
when I was 12 and 13. Both my best friend and I were the targets.
Our bully was just looking for someone to keep her in power, and
after about one year of her taunting and pushing and generally empty
scare tactics, we thought, "Hey! Why do we CARE about what
she thinks? Why do we give her power to scare us and ruin our day?"
We decided that when she said something unkind we'd respond with
a smile and say something like, "nice to see you today!"
or "I love your sweater!" This wasn't a feeble attempt
to establish a friendship. No, we were vengefully seeking to pull
the plug on her power over us, and we were full of exuberance in
our statements to her. She HATED it, and we LOVED pulling the rug
out from under her. We always made sure to say goodbye to her at
the end of the day. She realized she had no power over us and left
us alone (in fact avoided us!) after only 3 days.
Yes, there will
continue to be bullies as long as there are children who have low
self-images. Put two of them together, and you get a bully-victim
relationship. Build up your child, role-play about what to do when
the situation happens again, and emphasize that it is the bully
who is doing something wrong and socially inappropriate--not your
child! Refuse to be a victim!
My heart goes out to any child suffering social rejection at such
a crucial time of life. But I believe they CAN triumph over the
situation and come out stronger for it.
Shelly Parcell,Orem,
Utah
Thanks, Shelly. Changing how we define ourselves is a big step
in establishing what kind of treatment we’ll stand for. When my
daughter was in fourth grade, a girl threatened to have a cousin
beat her up. I fired off an immediate letter of demand to the principal,
and insisted she meet with the girl and her parents to explain that
this is illegal, and not a minor matter. (I somehow knew the girl
would say, “It was just a joke,” to which I urged the principal
to say, “Then where’s the funny part?”)
Here’s what
one young girl endured:
My daughter
was bullied at her new school for 18 months when she was 11 years
old. The bullying began from day one, inflicted by one girl the
same age as her, but twice as big. It wasn’t just name-calling or
comments, but physical violence too (pushing, slapping, pinching,
kicking). My little daughter, who is such a kind and gentle girl,
suffered so much. She was verbally, emotionally and physically bullied
more than she (or I) could bear, and one day she said to me, “I
might as well be dead.”
I involved the
school from the outset, but our biggest problem was the fact that
the bully was very crafty and knew when to strike-often at lunch
times when no teachers were around, or at the end of school when
reporting it to a teacher would have meant missing the school bus
home. Her parents would not believe their daughter was a bully,
even when faced with evidence of bruises their daughter had caused
to my daughter. In fact the girl’s mother, father and older brother
were all involved, and intimidated my daughter. I spent the whole
of the first school year taking my daughter to the bus stop, simply
to ensure she wasn’t bullied there by the girl, and her parents
who waited there too. Almost every morning I had to push my daughter
onto the school bus while she sobbed not to be made to go. That
was heart breaking for me. She was so miserable. Many mornings she
felt too ill to go to school, and I took her to the doctor who said
she was suffering from anxiety.
The school was
very slow to act, always looking for evidence, and when presented
with evidence from witnesses, could not use it because these witnesses
were my daughter’s friends! They did not want to act rashly as this
bully supposedly had “rights”. If they were to suspend her from
school without following the correct (but very slow) procedure,
the bully’s parents could have taken legal action. I learned very
early on that the victim has no rights whatsoever. Children are
constantly being told not to suffer in silence, and to report bullying,
but when my daughter did this she was not always met with favorable
responses. Teachers would often take no notice, or think she was
being over-sensitive.
My daughter
and I prayed so hard for things to be resolved and to try to make
sense of all this. We prayed for the bully too, and that was difficult.
It was so hard to make her believe that “good triumphs over evil”
because at the time it didn’t look that way to her. I taught her
never to retaliate verbally or physically. What I really wanted
to tell her was to give as good as she got, but that would have
been wrong and was simply not in her nature. We tried many tactics
to help her survive. We tried to laugh off this girl’s pathetic
behavior. We tried to ignore her. We tried to feel sorry for her.
We tried to understand that she was not happy at home, and had to
take her anger out on someone. My daughter had really good friendships
at Church, which helped so much. When she was with these girls,
she could almost forget her troubles, and they were all very supportive.
People told me to move my daughter away from the school, but I wouldn’t
do it. We’d prayed for the right school for her, and it wasn’t easy
to get into this particular school. I didn’t see why the victim
should be made to move and have to start afresh at a new school.
My feeling was that if anyone should move school, it should be the
bully.
After a year
of all this, I met with the bully’s mother one day to show her a
bruise her daughter had caused on my daughter’s arm. She wouldn’t
even look and just said there was no evidence. I vowed then that
I needed to take further action and that I would fight to have this
bully removed from my daughter’s class. Throughout the 18 months,
we kept a diary of every event, however small it seemed to an outsider.
I phoned the school many times to report incidents. I wrote letters.
I took the matter further, and higher. I involved everyone I could
think of who would be able to help my daughter, and see justice
done. Eventually I decided that if my daughter were physically attacked
one more time, I would involve the police. I made the school aware
of this fact too. Thankfully it never came to that, because after
18 long months the school finally believed that my daughter was
the victim and acted in her favor for once, and moved the bully
to another class.
Looking back
on it, I can see that my daughter came through this a much stronger
person, and has more confidence now. However, it has been almost
impossible to forgive and forget, particularly as this girl still
sees her as some kind of enemy, for whatever reason. It’s all water
under the bridge, it’s all in the past now, and there have been
no incidents for the last 18 months since the bully was moved. I
am ever vigilant though, because they are on the same school bus
again this year, and this bully has begun to tell others on the
bus that she was moved to a different class because there’d been
some trouble and she got the blame for it. She has told people it
was my daughter who caused the trouble. I am taking mental notes,
and if anything happens again, I will act a lot quicker this time,
because I am wiser now. I would say to Chris, take it all the way.
Involve the school, go to the top, and if that doesn’t work, take
legal action, call the police. The school will soon do something
about it when faced with that. You must do everything to ensure
your daughter’s happiness.
I hope that
the situation is soon resolved, in your daughter’s favor. It is
so hard to see a child suffer for so long and to be so miserable.
I thought I would never see my daughter smile again or hear her
laugh. Things will work out in the end.
Jo, England
This dad
sympathizes as one who has been there:
I am now a happy,
well-adjusted man of almost 30, with 5 children and a fantastic
wife. I was bullied, primarily emotionally, but sometimes physically,
when I was young. This happened throughout all of my school years,
from grade school through about 10th grade or so. It reached its
peak between the 6th and 9th grades. I experienced the gamut of
taunting about myself, my family, my physical attributes, my clothing,
etc. Today, had this gone on and I were evaluated by a counselor,
I would have been diagnosed as severely depressed, and likely would
have been recommended for at least therapy, and almost certainly
some of those infamous prescription anti-depressants. As it went,
however, I received neither, and was left to my own devices.
It was a terrible time for me. I was a year younger than almost
everyone else (I had skipped a grade), and I come from a family
of "late bloomers," so I was very small in stature in
comparison to everyone else, guys and girls alike, with few exceptions.
Also stacked up against me was a native social awkwardness. I said
the wrong things without thinking on a daily basis, fueling a fire
that was already too hot.
I was given what might have been good advice, but did not help my
particular situation. I was advised to "not let them get to
me," to be like, "a tough nut that none of their teasing
could penetrate," and to "ignore them and eventually they'll
go away." Statistically speaking, though, when you have a class
of 30, and 20 to 25 of them are involved in mistreating you, over
time you begin to wonder if there isn't something wrong with you,
because so many others seem to find so much to blab about. The advice
I was given didn't help me, and didn't stop them, but it was all
I had. I did often wonder what was wrong with me that made everyone
"hate" me.
As I continued to grow, and learn, I began to recognize patterns.
I learned that when a bully mistreats a person, or when a whole
class teases someone, they are almost certainly addressing an insecurity
about something in themselves. They also often display a "herd"
or a "gang" mentality. In order to be a part of the herd
or gang, they must all do the same things. Hence, a whole class
can mistreat a single student, but spurred on by one or a few individuals.
Having the whole lot gang up on you is both terrifying and demoralizing.
The biggest revelation, however, didn't come until years after I
had my patriarchal blessing, which I received only 2 weeks before
entering the MTC.
While recounting some of my personal history to my wife, and having
shared some of the counsel and blessings of my patriarchal blessing,
she pointed something out that had never occurred to me before,
and the spirit confirmed it: Because of things I have to do in this
life, a mission to fulfill, I was a target in my youth. The adversary
wins a major battle every time one of our "youth of the noble
birthright" slips into despair, and forgets who they are, and
that they are needed by our Heavenly Father. It is bad enough that
they lose themselves, even if only for a time, but it sometimes
becomes bad enough that these tormented souls take their own lives,
thinking there is no other escape from the onslaught. The adversary
tried to ruin me, but I was blessed to not only survive, but to
triumph in the end. I am stronger for having endured these things.
I now have compassion for those who experience similar circumstances
in a way I could never have been before. I cried and remarked bitterly
to many, in those darker times, "You DON'T understand what
I'm going through." For those out there experiencing these
things today, I pray that you can find someone who does understand,
as I do. I know that it would have lightened my load immeasurably
had I felt like even a single soul around me really did understand.
Because of my youth, and the difficulties I faced, I was not able
to realize that my Savior had felt my pain, and did understand what
I was going through. I do now, and I hope that those in or near
despair can reach out and find a hand, but know that if you can't,
that there is always one person who will be there for you, and He
is our Savior.
I’m so glad
you wrote. Your letter might give hope to children who feel outcast
and alone. And you’re right; just telling kids to ignore abuse is
not the solution. Several readers recommended pulling kids out of
school entirely:
Boy can we relate to what this dear sister is going through. My
oldest daughter was harassed in high school by two boys, constantly
for a period of 6 months. When she finally broke down and told us
what was going on, the mamma bear came out in me. I contacted both
sets of parents and went over and spoke to them. My daughter was
already fragile in her self esteem, she had already tried suicide
a couple of years earlier and I was not going to let a couple of
punks do it to her again.
The first set
of parents was great when I explained what was going on. They even
had me talk to their son. He quickly repented, apologized to my
daughter and they became friends. The second set was a totally different
outcome. The parents’ attitude was that "boys will be boys"
and MY daughter just needed to toughen up!!! The bullying did stop
for her by the second boy only because as I left I told the parents
that if it didn't I was going to the principal next. They said it
would be her word against his. I told them she has witnesses who
will verify her side.
My middle daughter
was also bullied in elementary school in this same town. It stopped
after I talked to the teacher and principal. But then we moved the
following year and in her new middle school she was bullied even
worse. Going to the school only made it worse for her. She is the
sweetest person and would never hurt another, is always looking
out for those mistreated to give them comfort. Well, we decided
to pull her out and home school her in an atmosphere of love and
caring where she could mature and develop at her own pace.
Joni, your advice
is good and yes we need to be Mamma Bears for our kids! If we're
not, who will be? It's been over 7 years since these two daughters
were bullied, but they still remember the feelings, both bad and
good (knowing that we would stick up for them when they couldn't
themselves).
You’re not
the only one who advocates home schooling, to ensure a child’s safety.
Read on:
Well, I suppose that parental intervention works in extreme cases.
But, what happens when other bullies come along and mommy isn't
there? How do any of us learn to deal with unpleasant people? Isn't
that part of what getting educated is all about? Don't we all need
to learn how to handle people? Options:
1- Avoidance.
Not always feasible
2- Become a
personal change agent. Explain to the daughter that the bully is
a bully because he doesn't feel good about himself. He can only
look good if someone else is lower than him. If they are not lower,
then he will make something up to make them feel that way. Only
by being "above" or "better" than someone else
can he feel good about himself. He needs help. What would happen
if the daughter said to him "(Name), when you say mean things
to me, it is hurtful." END OF CONVERSATION. Don't add to it.
Don't "counter accuse." Just leave it alone. He may or
he may not respond. If he responds, then teach her to listen well
at what he means by what he says.
If it happens
again, "(Name), it is difficult for me to be nice to you and
be your friend when you do hurtful things." END OF CONVERSATION.
Don't get into counter accusations.
If it happens
a third time, then "(Name), you are bigger than me, if you
insist on being a bully, then I will find someone who is bigger
than you."
If there is
any physical violence of the bully toward her, then the adult authority
figures must intervene. If they don't, then the parent (and some
witnesses if possible) should go to the principal and explain that
his school is not providing a safe learning environment for the
students and that you expect him to take immediate action. A safe
learning environment is one of the main tasks in his job description.
Home schooling
has its advantages, doesn't it?
Another reader
agrees:
The mother bear
instinct in us all to protect our children is strong. It has sadly
been dulled by our culture in many ways. Many of us assume that
if a child is being bullied at school our only recourse is to work
with the school to make it stop. There is another way. Some may
think it drastic, but it is effective. Take the child out of school...NOW...and
homeschool them. It is legal in all 50 states. (Some state education
people will tell you otherwise, but they are wrong) If you were
in a work environment with some mean, bullying co-workers, and no
one in management would do anything about it, you would find other
employment. If you had an acquaintance who bullies, you would severely
limit contact with that person. Why does a child, who has less experience
than you, have to put up with such treatment on a daily basis? Homeschooling
can be a frightening venture to contemplate, but with study and
prayer, it is wonderful. We had many worries and questions before
starting this adventure 14 years ago, but none of those beginning
questions were real concerns.
During the time
of pulling my child out of school, I would pursue those recommendations
that you listed, Joni. My only difference would be after contacting
police and the school district leaders, would be the removal of
my child from the premises, permanently. It wouldn't be said in
an "if-then" way. It would be presented thus: "I
have taken this action. No matter the outcome, my child will not
set foot in your facility again." With homeschooling, if you
have contact with children who bully, you can make the choice not
to be around them again. You can find outlets for your child's interests
and help them to get back those feelings of accomplishment they
have lost. If it was really bad at school, it will take a long time
to completely heal, but it can be done. It is very difficult to
do when everyday you are subjected to the same place and people
who hurt you for months or years on end.
Barbara Ritter,
VA
You make
some excellent points, Barbara. If we are not advocates for our
children, who will be? Youngsters can’t always do it themselves.
Other suggestions were to give the girl a cell phone, and to get
familiar with the laws in your area, so you can better help not
just your own kid, but anyone you’re aware of who’s being bullied.
This dad
had several options in dealing with a bully (in Seminary), and chose
to resolve it this way:
I think we all
ought to get better acquainted with "Assault and Battery".
Any time that a bully creates a sense of fear of personal harm in
some one else, that is called "Assault". Actually causing
injury to another is called "Battery". These are both
crimes that the police are interested in prosecuting. Most cases
of "bullying" are technically criminal.
My son was involved in a simple incident at Seminary that we were
able to resolve very peaceably. In an early morning seminary class
( in a church building) my son, trying to help the substitute teacher,
kept telling the student in front of him to stop leaning his chair
back (a class no-no). After the umpteenth time of telling, nudging,
etc. my son kicked at the base of the guy's chair in front of him
(something I scolded him for when I began to find out the story).
The guy in front of him got out of his chair, folded it and turned
around and beat my son with it several times (yes, in Seminary class).
Since my son was a football player, I didn't think any thing of
the couple of small bruises that showed up a day of two later. My
wife and I only found out about the incident, a week or so later
from the mother of one of his classmates who was in our ward.
I asked around to get the details and then called the police to
see if what had happened might constitute a criminal offense. They
concluded that it would and asked if I wanted to file a report at
that time. I said, "Not yet, but maybe later." Then I
called the school (we had early morning seminary, across the street
from the school) and although they were very interested, they couldn’t
actually do anything, because it had not transpired on school property.
They were very interested in any thing that did transpire on school
property and pledged that they would act immediately if informed
of such a situation.
Then I called the Seminary principal and let him know what had happened,
who was involved, and that I was contemplating filing an "assault
and battery" report with the police. He asked if I was intent
on filing "no matter what," and I told him I was more
interested in resolving the matter peaceably, but that I was aware
of my son's rights. He thanked me and said he would get right to
it. A couple of days later our son told us that this guy had apologized.
I asked if his apology was sufficient and he concurred. I called
the Seminary principal and thanked him for his efforts, and told
him that all appeared to be fine.
-- Bob Frost
We are naive
if we think no LDS kid would mistreat another, aren‘t we? It does
happen. I’m glad you persisted until the case was resolved. We all
need to talk with our kids about their school life, their friends,
etc., and remind them not to be bullies, as well. It’s easy
to get pressured into a cruelty mode by peers, and we think because
the victim endures it silently, or even jokingly says he doesn’t
care, that we are doing no real harm. Kids need to know how others
perceive teasing and rejection, and a reminder that they would surely
not wish to be responsible for another child’s misery, depression,
or even suicide. Conclusion for kids: If you’re being mean to others,
stop. If others are being mean to you, stop them.
See you next
week, Joni
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