What about a “Raised Bar” for Young Women?
By Joni Hilton

Several intriguing letters have come in regarding our last topic, the “raised bar” for prospective missionaries. Then, keep reading, for some good suggestions about how to instill modesty in our young women, and some startling information about why we’re facing this problem.

Our first letter really gave me pause:

I'm sure the leaders of the church were and are inspired in the changes in policy regarding missionary work. However I do hope that those leaders will stress and follow the importance of individual circumstance. Think about it, on the new program Alma the younger would not have been allowed to go on his mission. What a shame that would have been.

A sobering thought. I wonder if some inspired bishops have sent similarly repentant young men out, and have some wisdom to share about that.

Here’s an exciting view from a missionary in the field:

Recently, I asked my missionary son what he thought about the raised bar. This was his reply:

"I tell you, this whole 'raised bar' deal is amazing. The missionaries who came out about a year after my group make us look borderline silly. These new guys...it’s like the difference between roller skates and an x-wing fighter. The changes at the MTC are mind-boggling, and the results are unbelievable. Their language skills, their desire, their knowledge of the gospel and the scriptures, and their levels of spirituality are too, too amazing. You can’t even believe it. I feel that I really am seeing the greatest generation (by a long shot) of missionaries ever, and I think it’s neater to see from my point of view than from anyone else’s. Even the leaders don’t get the worm's-eye view I have."

His musings continue, but in short, he sees that raising the missionary bar is inspired, and he rejoices at the strength and blessings they bring to the work of his mission.

Barbara Jacobs, Salem, Missouri

Wow. It sounds like we’re on the brink of a huge spike in conversions!

This writer addresses the stigma issue:

My impressions of missionary work as one who wasn't raised Mormon view this as the "extra," not essential, mark of worthiness as several writers here have mentioned. As I remember being introduced to several men in the church it was with the added description of something like, "He did his mission in France, or Italy...or wherever." This was definitely a symbol of status which I initially found surprising, then later even a little cruel as I contemplated the social standing within the church of those who didn't attain RM status. Those male individuals were rare indeed. Yes, it had definitely become a requirement.

Perhaps 'raising the bar' will have the unintended effect of diluting the impact of the status symbol and returning us to humility where we accept that we are all equal in the sight of God, with different abilities and gifts to offer.

Lynn Johnson, Stillwater, MN

I hope you’re right, Lynn. Wouldn’t that be a double blessing? Improve the missionaries and all the rest of us!

Dear Fellow readers of Meridian,

Thank you for helping this e-commerce news medium exist. I hope that all of you are passing the e-address to friends and using the e-commerce advertisers for their great products and services. By the way, you will find my name at the end of my comments. I have never understood why people can't share the feelings of their heart and be proud to have an opinion.

Raising the bar is a great subject to unleash feelings for each of us about serving, not serving, who served, who didn't serve, whether we can have the same expectations in callings and family if WE did not serve.

Raising the bar is not a new set of criteria. As pointed out by the author of the article, "There is no LIST." The Prophet of the Lord has asked us to raise our families to be able to decide if they meet the personal qualifications to go. They are personal qualifications, between a young man or young woman and the Lord. The family is there to teach, train, guide, and love along the path of learning. The Quorum or Group is there to have like-minded teaching to help prepare youth for all of life's potentials. Each youth has a Bishop to be aware of their potential, their travels and their moments of need. A Bishop will be finding out in the personal interviews what parents should already know. Yes, we sometimes fail to see all that our children are feeling and coping with. But, we need to try.

As for parents of children who might not be able to serve because the bar has been raised, I didn't know the Lord ever lowered it. Get busy and get serving and maybe your children will want to serve. Get busy and get another rung up the ladder so that you can "be there" for someone who is still one rung lower. Don't worry that you are not the "one in the VISIBLE calling". Be glad you can labor with love in the Primary or the Sunday School. If you are jealous, repent. If you feel inadequate, read your patriarchal blessing and ask the Lord to help you repent and get back on the path. If you did not serve a mission and are still bugged by it, well as Grandmother Stilson (and henceforth four generations have said) "Sticks and Stones can break my bones but words can never hurt you". As the youth of today say, "Get over it".)

I say, I didn't serve a mission, I'm a convert. I served as a seventy for 14 Years. I felt I gave countless hours and some were even effective. I've been asked to hold many callings and am very happy to be the Ward Activities Director. If you must ask, I'd love to be the CTR 7 or 8 teacher, but alas you didn't ask and I don't want anyone to think that I'm campaigning for a position.

Bottom line: "Follow the Prophet." That is what my son said to me from his mission. I'm trying. I listened with earnest to his words this conference. "Racing the bar" is a typing mistake that yes, reminds us that we all need to race to stay ahead.

Hoping to remain clinging to the bar we can all find, the Iron Rod, the scriptures. Better than bellying up to some other bar and complaining.

Mick Epperson, Spring Valley, CA

Well put, Mick. I’ve always said, “Any calling is tough if you do it right.” 

Here’s a letter from another dad:

I really enjoyed your article too. Just a dad's perspective... being from Canada we have heard of some issues where "the pendulum" has unfortunately swung the other way. I have heard that some bishops may have been a bit too harsh but I can't judge as we never know the circumstances. Going back to my mission days in the cold winters of Minnesota, I personally never saw any problems with the missionaries that were handicapped by physical or mental disabilities. In fact my own family may not presently be in the Church if it were not for an elder that had a mental disability. Apparently he was slow to learn the discussions and it took nearly his whole mission but what he had was the greatest spirit and a strong inner testimony of the gospel and a very understanding companion that worked with him - he was the soul reason that my mother opened the door and let the elders in to our home.

During my mission I was a senior trainer and had nine companions in nine months and out of the nine only three came out for the right reasons. Unfortunately some came out because their bishop thought it might be a good building experience - one hadn't even passed the sacrament before until he arrived in the mission field etc. But they soon grew to love the Church as they learned more about the gospel and became good missionaries. In our zone we only had one that departed during my two years. Yes, there were some that only came out because their parents gave them the push - some ended up wasting their time and money and that of the companions they served with - which becomes the real tragedy.

We had a wonderful mission president and when we arrived to pick up our new elders he always read from D & C 18:15 which speaks about "how great shall be your joy if ye shall bring one soul into the kingdom".......he would look directly at each new missionary and say "do you know who the one soul is?"....and most of the time the missionaries said, "no". He would then point at them...."That one soul is YOU!" and then related that when they themselves are converted they will be able to bless the lives of many. We never, ever forgot that.

 
Just five years ago while on a business trip my wife and I met a wonderful couple that had been married about 6 years. It seems to be a natural question to come up: "What are you doing in the Church and where did you serve your mission?" His head went down and he said, "I didn't.” Now he was from Utah and I could understand why there was so much pressure to serve a mission or should I say "expectation." I asked him if he and his wife had been to the temple, and he said brightly - well yes! And then I said - "Well you are already on your way, no further behind then anyone else!" - He then said “really!" And then I related to him what my mission president taught us.  Tears welled up in his eyes.

 

Our mission president said that the main goal was for us to end up at the temple sealed for time and all eternity.  With that goal in mind I related to him that accordingly he was already blessed - it then seemed like a huge weight came off his shoulders. I mentioned that unfortunately he missed the early blessings of serving on a mission but that he and his lovely wife could serve at a later date - but that that experience could come sooner as they too raise righteous sons and daughters that are worthy of serving honorable missions too.

Now we come to one of our four sons - between 19 and 23 a mission was so far from our oldest son's lifestlye we thought he would never serve. My wife always let him know where we stood but we never pushed. Two of his brothers served honorable missions respective missions, however even their preparation was not without pitfalls. One point of council that I always gave him - was - "give the spirit a chance" never ignore it and you will make the right decision.

Well, to make a very long story a bit shorter - he came home one day and showed up at our doorstep and said "I hate to say this but you were right and I was wrong - can I come back?" He then worked over the next two years with a wonderful, loving bishop and stake president and
received his mission call just shortly after working with his bishop for two years and before his 25th birthday.  He is now 27 years old and is just overjoyed because he was approved for a 45- day extension to his mission. He already attained a strong testimony before his mission but it is so much more solid now.

I guess my point is - have patience - a lot of prayer - don't forget to pray and ask the Lord to bring other people into their lives to help - there truly are angels out there. It doesn't matter if you go when you’re 19 or 21 or 25 (as this is when our sons went) as long as when they go they go for the right reasons. As President Hinckley has stated "they are representing Jesus Christ our Savior - and HE needs the very best." When parents allow their bishops to work with their prospective missionaries, miracles do happen.

Stewart Lang

What great success stories. Thanks for the reminder that these elders are representing Jesus Christ our Savior, and that He does indeed need the very best.

Another brother reminds us to look at our lives, and see who we’re including and who we’re excluding:

You are correct-- it was a difficult question. I feel you have done an excellent job in covering the many facets.

I agree with our prophet that raising the bar is the Lord's inspiration. I had the heart-wrenching experience of driving a missionary to the airport when he was sent home after 2 months service.

It took me many years to learn that charity is not just donating money but
having the pure love of Christ for those that are spiritually poor and naked. How many of us include those outside our circle of friends in our lives? Are we stuck in our comfort zones? How many returned missionaries include inactives, and mentor those who need our help when we return? Do we remember the frustrations with ward members who did not fellowship those we brought to meetings? How often do we invite someone different into our home? Institutes and church schools can be the worst for snubbing and shunning those who did not serve a mission. It is my hope that we as a church can have the pure love of Christ for those who struggle.

Brother Thompson, Phoenix

Who are the less actives in our ward? Do we know their names? If not assigned to visit or home teach, do we invite them to our social activities anyway? What would Christ do?

Now let’s look at some nuts-and-bolts ways to bring our young women up to the same standards.

Reader Sarah Natividad shares three tips:

One thing that helped me to dress modestly when I was a young woman was learning the principles of clothing design. I learned how to make and design my own clothes to flatter my figure. Without this knowledge, girls feel battered about by every wind of fashion. I think we can encourage this kind of knowledge in our young women by praising them when they dress in modest clothing that flatters their figure.

If I had the opportunity, I would teach a few clothing design principles to our young women. In particular there are three principles our young women today need. The first is that the eye is drawn across lines and toward intersections of lines. Cleavage that pokes out of a neckline produces an intersection of lines that draws attention away from our face to our breasts. Low-riding pants, especially with an eye-catching belt, draw a line across the hips that on the average-or-larger figure says "Look what a big bottom I have!" The only figure for which this style is flattering is the poor hipless skinny girl who looks as if she is undernourished; it makes her look like she has more womanly hips.

The second design principle is that the eye is drawn to, is to read writing. These T-shirts with slogans on the breast, and the pants with slogans on the rear, are invitations to people to look at these parts of your body for an extended period of time while they read the slogans.

The third is that the eye is drawn to sparkly things. Nowadays there are a lot of sparkly things in the stores, and our eyes are drawn to them in the store. But if we buy them and put them on our bodies, eyes will be drawn to the sparkles, and by extension to whatever part of the body we put them on. If we draw extra attention to our sparkly clothing, no one will see our sparkly personalities. In addition, if our everyday wear is sequined and reflective enough to provoke a magpie attack, how will we create a more attention-getting look for special occasions?

Excellent information. And totally aside from the modesty issue, too many young girls have no idea how unflattering most of today’s styles are on the average girl. Throughout history, fashion dictators have designed for model bodies, not “real people.” Thus when girls try to wear these extreme looks, they almost always do themselves a disservice.

Here’s some startling information from another reader-- not for the feint of heart:

Just this past Sunday, my husband and I addressed our ward youth about this very subject during their Standard's Night, and I thought some of this info might be useful or helpful.

One of the things we thought would make an impact on them was to tell them WHERE some of these styles come from. And boy were we right!!

 
The following might seem like I'm going totally off the subject. You might think, what in the world is she talking about?? But I promise you, it's all connected!

 
One of the "biggest" things among teens these days, more specifically teenage girls, is Wicca-- or witchcraft, though boys are heavily involved as well. It's huge and seeping into everything. You'll notice the incredible number of Gothic, witchcraft, sorcery type movies and shows on television now, all aimed at teenage girls; Charmed, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Coven, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Witchblade, Practical Magic, The Craft, etc. Then the number of book series that have come out -- (now, don't freak out on me all you "Harry Potter" fans-- before you "poo-poo" my remarks, read on!) Circle of Three, Daughters of The Moon, The Sweep, His Dark Materials, Twitches, The Spiderwick Chronicles, Artemis Fowl, The Secrets of Droon, and yes, Harry Potter-- and there's more. Just like the gay movement is using television to forward their agenda, those who are into paganism are using movies, television and unfortunately, children's books to forward theirs.

This is part of a book review by a school teacher, of the His Dark Materials series which is currently Harry Potter's competition: "Philip Pullman does a fantastic job of creating complex characters in a complex, but believable alternative world.... The greatest part about the books and his writing is that they end with an interesting and imaginative view of our religions without falling back on the old concept of blind faith. The ending of The Amber Spyglass encourages the reader to take a critical look at his or her religion and to develop his or her own views and beliefs about the world and the powers controlling." --- from BarnesandNoble.com.

Now to show how this ties in with girl's clothing fashions---

You may have noticed all the jewelry that's made of crystals. Those who practice Wicca use crystals in their rituals and casting of spells. You'll even find children's jewelry at Walmart and other stores that has these crystals. The packaging says that the crystals are "charged" with powers. Example: Red is charged for powers of love, green for powers over nature, etc. etc.
And, guess what are two big parts of Wiccan ritual??? Body-piercing and tattooing!! Anyone wonder why those two things suddenly became the hottest trend? Well-- there's your answer! It's the huge fascination with Paganism and witchcraft that made body-piercing and tattooing the newest rage. And as soon as those two things became so popular in the past 2 years or so-- what happened to the clothing fashions??? All of a sudden, the waistline in girls pants dropped to a couple inches BELOW the navel, and shirts raised UP. V-necks suddenly widened and dropped, and blouses became backless, with only little spaghetti straps that tie behind the neck and across the mid-back! WHY?? To show off the tattoos and piercings!! The breast, the navel, the shoulder blade, below the small of the back-- just above the bottom, etc. These fashions came into existence to show off the piercings and tattoos. I realize that that doesn't mean that every kid who got his/her lip or navel pierced, or got a tattoo is practicing witchcraft. Nor does it mean that a girl who wears drop- waist pants has tattoos and piercings, and is getting into Wicca. It doesn't even mean that the clothing designers are practicing it. That's not at all what I'm saying. But you should have seen the looks on the girls faces Sunday when they realized the chain of events that led to their drop-waist pants and belly showing shirts! Their clothes are because of the turning to witchcraft.

Tracy Keeney
Kansas City, MO

I don’t think I blinked once as I read your letter, and my eyes are still frozen open. If all this is true, word needs to get out.

This mom has some more ideas:

Mothers need to be strong and help their daughters shop for fashionable clothes that are modest. (it is hard to find things but not impossible). My two youngest sons were so disgusted one year at their high school with the way the girls were dressing, that they formed a fashion club (all their guy friends) and decided they would not do things with the girls who dressed " skanky" as they called it. So for about two weeks as they would go down the halls at school, when they would see a classmate wearing questionable clothing they would give them a red devil sticker... on their shoulders. It didn’t take long before the girls starting asking why... and they told them it was because they dressed immodestly.

My one daughter was always taught that she should choose clothing as if she already had been through the Temple... no sleeveless or mid-riffs or halters or short short skirts... The girls just don't realize the temptation these young men face every day with all that is on TV and radio and then at school. I must add it is amazing how many mothers I talk to with daughters... that encourage them to chase the boys, go after them to get them to be their boyfriends, etc.

My youngest son is a gifted high school athlete / all state. And his Dad always taught him that there was not a place for a steady girlfriend if you wanted to excel in school, sports and be ready for a mission. I love these kids, they are so great and have such bright futures... I hope we can all encourage them to choose better paths.-- Nancy, Provo Utah

Excellent ideas, Nancy. I don’t think kids should date until they’re in college, frankly. What’s the point? But then I’d probably vote for arranged marriages, too! Incidentally, we did a neat thing in my last ward-- we made a video of the Young Men talking about how they feel about girls whose clothes are too tight (or too missing), and boy, did the girls sit up and listen when it was the guys delivering the message. Here’s more input:

Joseph Smith taught correct principles and let the people govern themselves. We can teach our children correct principles but we can't prevent teenagers from actions they might choose when they are away from us, it just gets us in power battles that we can't win.

So our rule is that to be with me in public, (if they want a ride to school etc?) or in our home, (in anyplace but the bathroom or their bedrooms), that they will need to be modestly covered up. They can wear a shirt tied around their waist to cover the too short shirts, or a button up shirt over anything that does not have enough fabric or is too tight on top (tank tops).

In this way, I can take the teenagers with me in public and people will see that while they are with

Joni,

I have just a bit here. About the midriff and modesty thing. I just read a book called Parenting with Love and Logic that has true principles and methods that help me with foster parenting.

This book says that we should not have rules that we can't enforce. Joseph Smith said that he taught correct principles and let the people govern themselves. We can teach our children correct principles but we can't prevent teenagers from actions they might choose when they are away from us; it just gets us in power battles that we can't win.

So our rule is that to be with me in public, (if they want a ride to school etc?) or in our home, (in anyplace but the bathroom or their bedrooms), that they will need to be modestly covered up. They can wear a shirt tied around their waist to cover the too short shirts, or a button up shirt over anything that does not have enough fabric or is too tight on top (tank tops).

In this way, I can take the teenagers with me in public and people will see that while they are with me they are modest. Then if anyone of our group is dressed immodestly when I am NOT there, that it is THEIR choice and not something that I condone.

We should expect modesty in our home, so that our thoughts are not taken where we don't want them. At school or in malls we can't make as many choices as we would like about what we see, but we do the best we can.

It is quite a shock to be walking down the hall at church and have a bare navel walking towards you! It is amazing that some of these girls have said they would NEVER consider wearing a bikini or even two piece! I don't think they have thought in the full context.

One girl said the Bible does not say anything about how tight or how much clothing you have to wear. I suggested she look at the pictures of women from Bible times as most people wore floor length, usually long sleeved, mid high necks of flowing material, that draped, with NO stretch! If you were a beggar, and didn't have enough clothes, then you might have on less, but people tried to cover their nakedness. I did find these scriptures in the Bible.

" Isaiah 47:1-3
1 ¶ COME down, and sit in the dust, O virgin daughter of Babylon, sit on the ground: [there is] no throne, O daughter of the Chaldeans: for thou shalt no more be called tender and delicate. 2 Take the millstones, and grind meal: uncover thy locks, make bare the leg, uncover the thigh, pass over the rivers. 3 Thy nakedness shall be uncovered, yea, thy shame shall be seen: I will take vengeance, and I will not meet [thee as] a man."

Jane Wadsworth

Well, Jane, you and I disagree on the first part of your letter. I think rules that can’t be enforced, can still be vital rules. Even if kids are going to sneak and wear inappropriate attire behind parents’ backs, I think the rule still needs to be “no immodest article of clothing comes into this house.” I have even been known to hold up a thong in Target, and say, “Not as long as I live and breathe,” to my daughter, just to make matters crystal clear. I am completely beyond the popularity contest in my job as a mother. And if they dress immodestly when I’m not there, and I hear about it, there will be dire consequences to pay. I have invited my kids to call me “The Great and Inflexible One,” and thus it is. (But I did agree with the Isaiah, of course).

You asked for some ideas for teaching modesty and proper behavior to girls.

I think the current young women's values program can be an effective tool, if their leaders have the courage to lead instead of worrying about if the girls like them or are having fun. While their relationship with the girls is important, and activities that are fun keep them interested, the goal of the program is to teach the girls the importance of these values in their life.

I have been involved in the Young Women's program, and too many activities are planned first and then assigned a plausible value - usually knowledge. These girls are not stupid, and they quickly find the loophole that allows them to use church funds to plan fun activities and the value taught in the process is an afterthought.

As a mother of six daughters, I have taken steps on my own to instill values in my children. The responsibility we have to these valiant youth is enormous, and we cannot afford to be lax in our duty as their leaders. I have raised my daughters to understand the importance of young men serving worthy missions. They are commanded by God to serve, if able, and too often girls are contributing to their inability to serve. My daughters have been taught that a young man is "off limits" for a serious relationship (like boyfriend) until after he is home from a mission. I believe that relationships with boys during the teens should be limited to friendships only, or they can quickly become an obstacle for temple worthiness. Dating is fine during this period, but should not be encouraged to get serious. I try to keep my daughter's thoughts focused on their goals for their future - schooling, temple worthiness and this begins while still in junior high school. Every activity they want to pursue gets put to the test - will this help you reach your goals, or be an obstacle?

I also teach my daughters to dress as if they wear the garment. It is God's standard of modesty. They still have their agency regarding clothing they purchase, but all clothing purchased with family funds is modest. We are very frank with our girls and tell them plainly the messages that immodesty sends to young men. Men are visually stimulated by their nature, but are we giving them images that help them have clean thoughts, or are we appealing to their basest desires for the sake of fashion? They are taught that if they truly care for a young man, they will not play to their weaknesses, but respect and honor them by maintaining their standards. Moral cleanliness is not just about what we do or think ourselves, but we also have responsibility for how we influence the thoughts and actions of others.

Sue Gilmer, Collinsville, TX

Sue, we need more moms like you. I go to the mall and think, “Where are these girls’ mothers? And fathers? Is nobody at the helm?”

A member of a Young Women’s presidency writes:

...We directed a lot of time and effort to the subject of modesty. We were surprised and concerned at the resistance we met from the girls and their parents. The motivation for the resistance fell in three areas:

1) True ignorance. We had a number of new converts, part member, inactive or recently reactivated families who had not had the opportunity to understand the blessings associated with modesty. We were also surprised at the number of active members who had not listened to the specificity in the guidelines.

2) Societal justification. “It’s too hard to find modest clothes.” “Our budget doesn’t allow us to follow these standards.” “This is what the kids are wearing at school; I don’t want my child to be an outcast like I was.”

3) Willful disobedience. “I know what the pamphlet says and I don’t care.” “I know I could never wear this with garments, but it’s soo cute.”

Satan has bombarded us with messages stressing that our sexuality is our most important quality and we should exert tremendous energy toward its display in order to find love. This false distortion of the purpose of sexuality has led to profound confusion in our youth. Adding to the confusion there are parents who remember the feelings of pain and inadequacy that plague adolescence and respond with acceptance of standards that may ease the moment but condemn eternity.

This has lead to an environment of sexual aggressiveness on the part of our daughters and may be a leading cause in the decrease of worthy prospective missionaries.

I believe some aids in combating this plague lie in the fundamental processes of gospel instruction. First, gain a testimony on the importance of modesty. Study, pray, meditate and live the law.

Second, bear witness. Gather youth and parents and explain the standards and the reasons for those standards. Point out the lies told by Satan and replace them with truth. Provide many resources for your audience to take into their homes and lives. Set clear guidelines for dress at activities as well as explain consequences for their violation. (One idea is to provide large men’s t-shirts to wear in case an outfit is inappropriate). I must stress here that consequences should be administered in love, with the goal of inducing the Spirit rather than driving away the individual.

Third, reinforce the concept. Plan activities, include in lessons, ask where an individual purchased an in-style article, lead by example.

Fourth, repeat. We had fun, instructive and well received modesty activities only to find a few weeks later the standards were being violated. This message, like the primary principles of the Gospel, must be repeated – over and over and over.

 Aselin Maloney, Scottsdale, Arizona

Aselin, I wish someone would go on the speaking circuit to school assemblies, and talk about fashion, what flatters what figures, and why girls do need to dress modestly, especially around guys. It’s an important message, even without the church tie-in. Is there someone out there who can write a grant and do this? And what happened to school dress standards? Why can’t the schools demand appropriate clothing? Why isn’t the fashion police writing tickets? Do we need an army? What has happened to our darling jewels, our little girls who seemed so smart once upon a time? Okay, I’m getting carried away, but I see Satan winning this battle, and I’ve never been a very good sport. See you next week, Joni