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By Joni Hilton
This week we’re revisiting a subject which brought a flood of response
and inquiry-- but we’re approaching it from a different angle.
The topic is how to recognize an abused child, and how to help
that child heal, with excerpts from your letters and from a
licensed marriage and family therapist, who shares an LDS perspective
as well.
One reader told me there is already a training method, in place, within
the Scouting program, to help young boys avoid sexual abuse,
but he says “no one will implement it because it’s too touchy
a subject.” I truly hope this is not so, and that if such a
program really does exist within the Scouts, that it is being
utilized to its fullest.
Here’s a letter that shares some ways we can ensure that our children
will come to us if there’s a problem:
...The
two times I was preyed upon, I was within screaming distance
of my parents, but at the time, I did not think to scream. I
also could have immediately told my parents what happened to
me, but I did not. My molesters were the son of a dear friend
of my mother‘s, and my younger step-brother. Both preyed upon
me when I was feeling vulnerable and tried to make me think that
they were protecting me.
I
have often pondered why I did not tell my parents. The biggest
factor that kept me silent was our history regarding discipline.
If anything ever went wrong, my parents would instantly ask, "What
did you do?" or "Why didn't you _________." I
was trained to process my actions and determine what I could
have done differently to change the situation. If I could have
changed something, then whatever happened must have been my fault.
This process, which was by this time in my life automatic, made
me come to the conclusion that if I hadn't been where I was or
if I had just gotten up and left I wouldn't have been molested.
My fault - again.
My
teen years were clouded over by a negative self-image that was
intensified when my parents divorced. I avoided situations that
made me feel vulnerable. I learned how to protect myself and
became less feminine to avoid being hurt again. I felt ugly and
unloved until I met my now husband of 20 years. His thoughtfulness
and tenderness made me feel worthy of his love - but it took
half a year for me to convince myself that he just didn't want
me sexually.
My
molestation affected our intimate life together and created some
very trying times in our early marriage. After we had been married
5 years or so, the buried pain from the molestation surfaced
and wreaked havoc with my emotional state. I have been blessed
with a very sweet, loving husband who helped me through my healing
process. I was also helped by reading the book "Secrets" by
Blaine Yorgansen.
As
painful as this process has been for me, it has resulted in a
personal, tangible relationship with my Savior. Many times while
going through this trial, I felt His deep love and power
to heal a wounded soul. I would love for my children to have
the kind of relationship I have with my Savior, but I would rather
lose my life than have them become victims of sexual abuse/molestation.
I
have prayed for guidance on how to protect my precious children
from this pervasive evil. I try to keep our lines of communication
open, but it is very difficult to overcome the powerful influence
of how YOU were raised. It is a constant, conscious struggle
for me. I have six daughters, and I have tried diligently to
teach them about inappropriate sexual behavior. I have tried
to empower them by teaching them that our personal boundaries
must be respected and are worth losing friends or boyfriends
over. NO means NO - and if they want their boundaries respected,
they must respect the boundaries of others.
Most
importantly, we can teach them to recognize promptings from the
Spirit and to act on those promptings. All we can do, other than
ensuring adequate adult supervision, is to teach them and
hope and pray that they are safe. We cannot be with our kids
at all times, but the Spirit can.
Thank you for sharing your painful past, and for giving hope to so many,
that they can still find peace, and find a close relationship
with the Savior, even if they’ve been through the harrowing
ordeal of abuse.
The next letter is from a sister who endured so many forms of abuse that
I cannot include them all. But she offers some concrete steps
to recovery:
1:
Keeping a journal of thoughts you find most troublesome and discussing
it with your therapist is a good thing to do. It helps to be
able to go back and read exactly what you were thinking/feeling
and also the perceptions that came from prayer and meditation.
I can almost guarantee that these thoughts and feelings will
come up again. Learning to control our thoughts is one of the
hallmarks of a contented person. When you just can’t get what
happened out of your mind, sing a favorite song, play a computer
game, watch a movie, visit with a friend. Distract yourself in
some way and call your counselor and get help.
2.
Get Priesthood blessings. My Patriarchal blessing gave some much
needed advice. This blessing was given by a Patriarch who never
met me or knew anything about me till the day of my blessing
and I did not tell him how I was treated at home. It was a testimony
to the truthfulness of this gospel when the Patriarch said "Let
the unfair experiences of the past serve as stepping stones toward
your future."
3.
Forgive. If we do not forgive our perpetrator, we automatically
get a hardened heart. We become less sensitive to the promptings
of the Holy Spirit when our hearts are hard. Remember that many
perpetrators were abused themselves. It’s not easy to forgive
and move on, and it isn’t done in an instant. But don’t give
up.
4.
Pray. To cope with bad memories, I prayed the following each
night: "Heavenly Father, please send down thy angels to
guard me through the night. Please bless me that they will protect
me so that the adversary can not harm me or influence me in any
way, shape or form as I sleep."
5.
Fill your life and spirit with good thoughts, good works and
learning to appreciate the scriptures and prayer. If you find
you do not enjoy these things, ask our Heavenly Father to help
you to enjoy them until you get in the habit of enjoying them.
He will help - because He loves you dearly, but you have to ask!
Things like movies and music CAN lessen our resolve to do right.
6.
Let yourself cry and grieve.
7.
There is another technique which helps a great deal. I did this
the first time with a trained therapist. Then I learned I could
do it on my own with help from my Heavenly Father. First, meditate
until you are calm. Then direct your attention to the anger you
feel. Let it well up in your body, imagining it as a big red
ball. I find that hanging onto a bed post helps with the next
part - you sort of mentally squeeze that big red ball of anger,
using all your body’s muscles in the process, until you can squeeze
no more and release that ball out of your body into the surrounding
atmosphere. It may also help to imagine kicking it into the stratosphere
or outer space. I use this technique whenever the anger wells
up uncontrollably. I have only had to do this a very few times
to regain control. We also tend to not let ourselves feel our
emotions, we "numb out" in order to avoid the pain
or the problem of not knowing what to do with these feelings.
8.
Don’t blame yourself. Often survivors with Post Traumatic Stress
Disorder, who were faced with a choice of doing something such
as submit to rape rather than suffer death or a severe beating,
will blame themselves for not doing the morally right thing.
They do not consider that they may have chosen the lesser of
two evils and they blame themselves needlessly. When Christ said, "Judge
not, lest ye be judged," he was also talking about the unwarranted
judging we may do of ourselves. Anytime you have a thought that
starts with "I should have...," alarms should go off
in your head so that you can take control of that thought. This
isn’t easy. I may be working on this the rest of my life.
9.
Don’t continually be mad at Heavenly Father because such a thing
happened to you. It very well could be that some of us accepted
an assignment to live through this sort of thing so that we can
eventually help others. Heavenly Father is very well aware of
the adversary’s "modus operandi". I suspect some of
us are here at this exact time specifically for the purpose of
thwarting the adversary.
10.
Those of us who have been abused very often feel responsible
for keeping others from feeling hardship or loneliness. It isn’t
our job to save others - Christ had that spot sewn up long, long
ago. He knows how best to do that job and we very rarely know
what is best. I know from experience that you cannot turn someone
toward the right who does not want to be there. All the love
in the world will not make some people choose to join you in
your quest toward eternity. What we can do is be the very best
that we can be and lead others to Christ by example. Letting
go of standards never led anyone to Christ long term, so keep
yours high.
I hope readers who have held similar pain inside will try your suggestions,
and finally find release from the anguish they’ve carried.
Our final words on this subject come from Linda Marston, LMFT,
of Placerville, California, who tells us how to recognize when
a child has been abused:
Considering
my audience, mostly an LDS population, I am writing this article
with a different overtone. There is a plethora of information
available about child abuse. Here is how the brethren define
it:
“Child
abuse is wrongly or improperly treating a child in a way that
causes injury or serious offense. It is evil. It takes many forms.
Some abuse may be inadvertent or unknowing. Some is intentional,
vicious, and predatory. All child abuse is wrong. It harms families,
in any form it is tragic and in opposition to the teachings of
the gospel. Child abuse may take many forms, physical, sexual,
psychological, verbal, or in the form of neglect.” (Preventing
and Responding to Child Abuse, by the Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints, Pub. 1977, Salt Lake City, Utah. Available
through LDS Family Services).
Other
helps and referrals are available through Child Protective Services
in your local area, or through W.E.A.V.E. (Women Escaping A Violent
Environment). I also recommend the following books:
Confronting
Abuse, An LDS Perspective, by Anne L. Horton, B. Kent Harrison,
Barry L. Johnson
The
Courage to Heal, for Women and Men Survivors of Child Sexual
Abuse, Healing the Shame that Binds You by John Bradshaw
Boundaries
by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend
Bouncing
Back - It’s Not Your Fault, for Young Women, by Wendy English.
To
start, if you are a perpetrator or a victim, get some help. Go
to your bishop, a good counselor, a trusted family member, but
tell some one and keep trying until you get some help. You do
not deserve to hold this secret and suffer.
Next,
if you suspect abuse, here are some possible indicators.
Behavioral indicators:
1.
Changes in behavior at school, day care, in relationships with
peers
2.
School problems
3.
Withdrawal
4.
Nightmare/sleep disturbances/bedwetting
5.
Nervousness, aggressive, hostile or disruptive behavior toward
adults, especially parents
6.
Fear of certain places or certain people
7.
Behaving as a young child (regression)
8.
Unusual knowledge and/or interest in sexual acts and terminology
9.
Seductiveness with other children and adults
10.
Excessive anger/acting-out by child
11.
Excessive masturbation
Physical Indicators:
1.
Discomfort in walking or sitting
2.
Bite marks
3.
Injury to lips
4.
Urinary infections
5.
Discharge or bleeding on underwear or bedclothes
6.
Pain around genital area
7.
Marks around genital area
8.
Unusual or offensive odors
9.
Venereal disease
10.
Pregnancy when the child refuses to reveal any information about
the baby’s father and/or complete denial of the pregnancy by
the child and her family
Those
are the nitty gritty. Yet, as adults, we are responsible to protect
and help those we love, so do not ignore things that are hard
to look at. Talk to someone, listen to your child or children.
If your suspicions are untrue, be thankful that you have asked,
looked and listened. If you find abuse, be thankful for the blessing
it will be, for your whole family, to get help.
Now
for the rest of us. I say us because none of us is immune from
being an abuse victim or becoming a perpetrator in our own families.
Isn’t that why we read an article like this? We yell, curse,
manipulate, neglect, or in other ways violate the ones we love,
not because we are bad, but because we are not humble and willing
to see our own need for changes.
Abuse
does not just happen. It comes from a predictable cycle of violence.
It is like a wheel with a hub. First, there is the building of
tension, then the explosion of violence, and often a honeymoon
or “I am so sorry” part that follows the violence. In the center
of the hub is denial. As long as no one confronts the cycle it
keeps turning around tension, violence, then sorrys.
What
it takes to end this is you choosing to take care of your own
tension, anger, anxiety, and fears in a more positive way than
shaming, blaming, demoralizing, or violating a smaller or more
vulnerable person’s rights.
To
do this we must first admit the problem and be aware of our feelings,
then choose to take a time out when we get angry, sad or out
of control. Say, “I need a time out because _____.” Declare a
time to return, then go and clam down before continuing to interact
with loved ones.
We
don’t usually abuse the people we work with. They would walk
away or confront us back. We should not abuse our little ones
or loved ones. It would be better a mill stone were hung around
our neck and we were sent to the bottom of the sea.
I
do have a testimony that we did not come to earth abusive and
unable to treat others with the love and respect they deserve.
We learn these behaviors here. I also believe we can unlearn anything
because we do have choice and accountability. Once we become
conscious of how we behave we can act in new, more loving and
useful ways with all those we meet-- especially our loved little
ones and families.
Thank you, Sister Marston. Sometimes we shrink from graphic information
because it’s so uncomfortable to confront. But if only one
person can be helped by these details coming forward, we owe
it to our families to be informed.
I particularly like the point you made, that we do not lash out in the
workplace, or in public situations. This proves that we are
in control, and can choose not to hurt our families, either.
I hope readers on both sides of this issue will gain strength and hope
from this week’s column. Be sure to read again next Monday,
when a sister shares a common, Church-wide problem.
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