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More Advice from Readers on Visiting Teaching
By Joni Hilton

More feedback about visiting teaching, plus a new dilemma: Can you ethically sell a drug for your pharmaceutical company, when you know there’s a better one?

First, let’s re-visit last week’s topic, about burn-out in the visiting teaching program. We heard some more great advice, and more frustrations, such as this one:

While I have had many wonderful visiting teachers in other wards who have become friends, that is not my present situation. Shortly after receiving new visiting teachers, one of them was sustained as the Relief Society president. She evidently does not know my circumstances, and shows absolutely no interest in learning anything about me. She (nor her companion) ever ask any questions. I do not feel included in their conversation as they talk back and forth between themselves about what's happening in their lives, in the ward, or to the last sister they just visited. I have asked them questions in an attempt to be part of the conversation. I can ask about their children, by name, and they are happy to tell me everything about them. But not once have they inquired about my children. In fact, several times I volunteered something about my son, who is the same age as the RS president's son, which has been met with complete indifference. I don't volunteer anything anymore.

However, they are diligent in bringing something like bath salts or a plate of cookies. And they always give me the message and fling the standard farewell thought as they slide out the door, "Call us if you ever need anything." I would never call them. They have not shown the slightest indication they are willing to even know me, let alone offer real assistance or a listening ear. And the cookies are not what I need - I need a friend, or least someone who does not make me feel invisible.

This past year they showed up unannounced on my birthday. I was touched, until I realized they were totally unaware it was my birthday and just chatted away as usual. But they got their visit in by the end of the month.
Do I sound bitter? Probably. But actually I just feel insignificant and
truly like an assignment that they "need" to check off to make the "100%
Visiting Teaching Completed" list.

Usually they do not acknowledge me when they see me in church or out in the community. In fairness, I do not go out of my way to address them anymore either. On the rare occasion they do talk to me it's to say something like, "It's the end of the month, we NEED to come see you." I would feel better if I thought they WANTED to come see me. Joni, you suggested having a chat with your Relief Society President. I would, if she wasn't my visiting teacher.

Tough situations calls for tough sisters-- please be thick-skinned as your VTs stumble through their assignment. My guess is that no one ever taught them, properly, how to really serve and show genuine compassion. Sounds like they don’t even have the social grace to learn your children’s names. Without being too bitter, perhaps you could jot a note to your RS President, and tell her how you feel. She needs a wake-up call.

Another reader tells of a VT who needs the same training:

... The first time she entered my home, she immediately stated, "I don't want to hear about your life or your problems. I will come and read you the message and bring you some chocolate." Taken aback, at first I wondered if I misunderstood her statement, as English is her second language. But I have been discovering that she meant exactly what she said. I have invited her to share her concerns about her children, marriage, and her life, which she does. But I have serious doubts that an actual relationship will develop. She is clearly completely uninterested in me. For the first time, I am grateful for the 20 minute suggested time limit. Perhaps visiting teaching can be done in 20 minutes. Friendship takes a little more. And I don't even like the kind of chocolates she brings.

Joni: First of all, you can send me the chocolates. Second, how about mustering up some good-humored bluntness, grab her by the arm, and say, “Hey. Not so fast, Toots. Visiting teachers are supposed to hear problems. I need someone to confide in! Come in and let me tell you all about it...” If she doesn’t get the message, maybe she’ll request a change and you’ll get someone more compassionate.

Another sister wrote about being hearing impaired, and only able to understand her visitng teacher if a translator is available. Talk about frustration! But... what if her visitng teachers learned sign language? How about an ongoing sign language class at enrichment night, so we could all be more useful tools in God’s kingdom?

Now let’s read about a visiting teacher experience that worked as it should:

Let me tell you about the one visiting teacher that touched my life. I was a very timid, shy person. Going into a room full of women was intimidating enough, but going in alone and sitting alone was enough to send me into a sheer panic. I avoided it at all costs. But once this sister became my visiting teacher I never had to worry again. She always kept an eye out for me, walking into the class with me, or waving me toward her where she either saved me a seat or had people slide over so there was room for me with a group.

She introduced me to her friends, helping us find common interests and things to talk about. Knowing I wouldn't go to homemaking meetings or stake events alone, she made sure I was part of the car pools. She took an interest in me, gently drawing me out, asking about my background, interests, my family, and gospel knowledge. This sister went out of her way to befriend my children. They didn't have a great sense of belonging either, but she always acknowledged them by name. When they were asked to speak in primary and later sacrament meeting, she always commented about their talks. If she didn't see them in church afterwards, she called them on the phone, just to praise them. If we were out shopping and ran into her, she would take a moment to acknowledge each child with me and find out what was happening in their lives.

We had wonderful discussions. In her "lessons" she always asked what I thought about such and such. When I was off base, she would inquire if I had thought about it in this other light. Never did I feel she was correcting me, chastising me for my shortcomings or comparing me to the ideal LDS woman. She always found something to compliment me about. And I knew that the compliments were sincere, because she listened and observed and her comments were genuine. She encouraged me when I was discouraged. She helped
me recognize I had more abilities than I thought. I learned I could trust her. She knew how to keep confidences and I respected her opinions. Consequently, ever slowly I began to share some of the troubling aspects of my life, looking for some guidance.

The day came when she was reassigned. She called me immediately when she learned of the change, and told me that she would miss our official monthly visits. But the friendship continued, because indeed she was now truly my friend. I have since come to appreciate her being the one to let me know the change in her visiting teaching assignment. It made me feel valued and loved.

This sister may not have done some of the things you think visiting teachers do. I don't ever recall her bringing me a meal, or babysitting my children, or doing cute little quotes to go with the message. But she truly showed interest in me and my family. She called to wish me Happy Birthday and many other "Happy Whatever" Days. She valued my time, calling ahead for appointments and making sure I had time to chat before we started a phone conversation. She shared her testimony, helping me see the "footsteps in the sand" type moments in both of our lives. She listened with her heart, included me in her prayers, prayed with me when I needed it, and drew me into group settings. She was an anchor for me in a sea of social bewilderment. I gained in confidence as I was instructed by her, both by example and by word. I shall always appreciate the woman who came with her heart and touched mine profoundly.

What a beautiful tribute to an angel of a visiting teacher. If your letter were read at my funeral, I would feel I had lived a full life. Bless you for telling us about such a wonderful, honest-to-goodness sister.

Now here are some great tips from Kathy Grant of Gilroy, California:

The last column on visiting teaching grabbed my attention, and I knew I had to write. I love visiting teaching with all my heart. I have a strong
testimony of it, and it continues to be a source of joy and fulfillment. Here are my thoughts for the sister who is struggling with visiting teaching.

Dear Sister,

My heart went out to you after reading your letter. You sound tired,
physically and emotionally. It's probably not just visiting teaching that seems like too much.

I'm in the middle of learning some things you might find helpful. Last year I unexpectedly became the 40-something single parent of a foster daughter, age 16. My life was already crowded with a full-time job in another city, a busy church calling, and other issues I won't go into. But after Dana moved in, I went from barely keeping up to falling behind rapidly. I struggled with decision-making and discipline, especially without a co-parent. I struggled with guilt that I was not there enough for Dana. And my discretionary time, limited before, dwindled to almost nothing. Sometimes I felt I was losing my mind.

One day while commuting, I pled with the Lord for help. The impression came that I needed to live each day, moment by moment, by the Spirit. When this impression came, I remembered my friend Sue Carey sharing a similar experience.

One busy Christmas season, the Spirit prompted her to take time out to prepare her Relief Society lesson. She followed the prompting, and a testimony washed over her that if she would do her tasks in the order in which the Lord wanted her to do them, and put Him first, He would help her find the time to do all the important things she needed to do. After she finished her lesson, the Spirit guided her to the next task, and the next, and she did in fact get everything done that she needed to.

I took the impression seriously, and what a difference it has made. I feel much more peace, perhaps because I feel more confident I'm walking the path my Heavenly Father wants me to walk. So what does this mean practically? (Because, as you pointed out, theory does
not equal practice.) It means getting up before my foster-daughter each morning to have at least 10 - 15 minutes of personal scripture study. It means personal prayer, really trying to communicate with Heavenly Father, and praying specifically to know His will for me for that day. Daily scripture and prayer are essential, practical preparation for the hearing Spirit on a daily basis.

Then, I take 5 - 10 minutes to plan my day (nothing fancy–I just keep a list in my word processor). As I plan, I try to put the tasks in the order that feels right to me. If I get an uncomfortable feeling about something, or the Spirit brings something to mind, I adjust the list accordingly. I print it off and take it with me. (I also adjust the list and cross of items throughout the day.)

Throughout the day, I seek spiritual guidance, especially between tasks (both at work and home). "Heavenly Father, I just finished X. I think I should do Y now. Is that right?" Sometimes I feel good about proceeding; other times, I feel an uncomfortable feeling that tells me I'm heading the wrong direction and need to change course. I bear testimony that the Lord these answers these prayers.

I don't know if living each moment by the Spirit sounds easy or difficult to you—I was surprised at how hard it really was! For one thing, I don't always remember to check in with the Lord for guidance throughout the day (although the more I do it, the easier it gets). However, a more difficult challenge is that I don't always want to do what the Lord wants me to do. So developing greater humility has been a part of this whole process. I've learned that it really is pride when I want things my own way instead of being humble enough to yield to His will. But when I do His will, things are always better.

Several recurring promptings are worth mentioning specifically:

* Attend the temple: For me, temple attendance is to time as tithing is to money: when I go, the time I have left goes farther and things fall in place much more easily.

* Take care of my health: follow the Word of Wisdom, get enough sleep, and exercise regularly (this isn't some lofty ideal, but a matter of survival).

* Thank the Lord for my challenges. This is an act of faith that works miracles, because it means I'm humbling myself enough to accept the Lord's plan for my life and acknowledging that He knows what I need better than I do.

* Love and serve the sisters I visit teach. Over the years I've seen miracles happen through visiting teaching. I've been in RS leadership meetings and felt the Spirit direct visiting teaching assignments. I've felt the witness of the Spirit to my soul that the Savior places a high priority on visiting teaching. As I rely on the Lord to help me do His will each day, right down to daily tasks and the order in which I do them, visiting teaching not only becomes possible, but a source of great joy. I honestly love being a visiting teacher.

Two practical visiting teaching helps:

* If it works for your sisters, set a regular monthly appointment—for example, the second Sunday of the month at 2:30 p.m. (For me, just having a regular appointment removes a lot of the stress of visiting teaching. Some months we have to adjust, but it's a great starting place.)

* Read Visiting Teaching: A Call to Serve, by Johanna Flynn and Anita Canfield. This short book, a story, is an easy read and spiritual uplift.

* Recently as I pondered the challenges of my life, the impression came to me: "Through these things, you are being sanctified." That stopped me in my tracks, in a good way. "Oh," I thought, "that's right. There's a purpose to all this, and it's a really good purpose." I pray you'll have the same feeling—that there is a divine purpose to your challenges. I share my testimony that as we seek and receive the Lord's guidance day by day we can navigate safely even through overwhelming challenges, and through that daily process, become like Him.

What an inspiring letter, and such practical advice for making things better right now. Everything changes when we listen to the Spirit, and approach our daily tasks prayerfully.

Another reader wrote:

Thank you so much for these two beautiful articles containing testimonies from sisters in every phase. Their comments were so 'right on' and I can hardly wait to find a way to share some of them with the ladies in my ward. It makes me realize that I have to 'give up' my long time teaching companion in order that other sisters can benefit from being with her. Hopefully, it will make me strive harder to become the same kind of example she has been for me. There are so many lessons in these two articles. I do hope there is a way to reach the Home Teachers also.

Sincerely - Erlean in Utah

Thanks, Erlean-- We’re all striving, aren’t we? Here’s another sister who wouldn’t give up, and found the joy of sacrifice:

This topic hit a nerve with me. I was assigned a sister that I did not want to teach. In my opinion she wore a "kick me" sign around. She never smiled. She was active but never felt socially comfortable in the church. Two years later I can say I love her with all my heart. I understand her problems and I think I have helped her a lot. When I see her husband he tells me that I am the best visiting teacher she has ever had. That was my goal--to be her best visiting teacher no matter how I felt. I even see her smile now. Visiting teaching is inspired. We must go with the Holy Ghost. He will guide us.-- Charmaine Anderson

Charmaine, you’ve given us all a great idea-- set the goal to be the best visiting teacher that person has ever had. Wonderful! A reader named Karin has another way to look at visiting teaching:

I appreciate this article at this time. I’ve recently been thinking that visiting teaching is to the law of consecration what Moses’ laws were to Christ’s. Life is so busy now that if we can’t make the most of service that is handed to us, then we miss a wonderful opportunity to progress.

Good comparison, Karin. This is truly our training ground for the kind of hereafter we want, isn’t it?

And now, this week’s question comes from a nursing student:A woman is a sales rep. for a large pharmaceutical company in the U.S.
She calls on physicians at their offices and also visits hospital
pharmacies within her area. While reading the latest issue in her
pharmaceutical research journal, she learned that a drug made by one of her competitors is a more effective treatment for certain types of
diabetes than the one her company makes. The one made by her company is still effective, but the competitor's is more effective. She wonders if she has an ethical obligation to discuss this finding with the
physicians she calls on. At the same time she wonders if it would be
unethical to promote the sale of her competitor's product. Do you think
she would be acting ethically if she did not inform her clients about
the drug that is superior to her company's for treating certain types of
diabetes?

We all come to ethical crossroads in life-- in our work, our volunteer efforts, our relationships. Have you ever faced a similar situation? What would you advise this sister?

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