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More Advice from Readers on Visiting Teaching
By Joni Hilton
More feedback about visiting teaching, plus a new
dilemma: Can you ethically sell a drug for your pharmaceutical
company, when you know there’s a better one?
First, let’s re-visit last
week’s topic, about burn-out
in the visiting teaching program. We heard some more great
advice, and more frustrations, such as this one:
While I have had many wonderful visiting teachers
in other wards who have become friends, that is not my present
situation. Shortly after receiving new visiting teachers, one
of them was sustained as the Relief Society president. She evidently
does not know my circumstances, and shows absolutely no interest
in learning anything about me. She (nor her companion) ever ask
any questions. I do not feel included in their conversation as
they talk back and forth between themselves about what's happening
in their lives, in the ward, or to the last sister they just
visited. I have asked them questions in an attempt to be part
of the conversation. I can ask about their children, by name,
and they are happy to tell me everything about them. But not
once have they inquired about my children. In fact, several times
I volunteered something about my son, who is the same age as
the RS president's son, which has been met with complete indifference.
I don't volunteer anything anymore.
However, they are diligent in bringing something like bath salts or a plate
of cookies. And they always give me the message and fling the standard farewell
thought as they slide out the door, "Call us if you ever need anything." I
would never call them. They have not shown the slightest indication they are
willing to even know me, let alone offer real assistance or a listening ear.
And the cookies are not what I need - I need a friend, or least someone who
does not make me feel invisible.
This past year they showed up unannounced on my birthday. I was touched, until
I realized they were totally unaware it was my birthday and just chatted away
as usual. But they got their visit in by the end of the month.
Do I sound bitter? Probably. But actually I just feel insignificant and
truly like an assignment that they "need" to check off to make the "100%
Visiting Teaching Completed" list.
Usually they do not acknowledge me when they see me in church or out in the
community. In fairness, I do not go out of my way to address them anymore either.
On the rare occasion they do talk to me it's to say something like, "It's
the end of the month, we NEED to come see you." I would feel better if
I thought they WANTED to come see me. Joni, you suggested having a chat with
your Relief Society President. I would, if she wasn't my visiting teacher.
Tough situations calls for tough sisters-- please be thick-skinned as
your VTs stumble through their assignment. My guess is that no one ever
taught them, properly, how to really serve and show genuine compassion.
Sounds like they don’t even have the social grace to learn your children’s
names. Without being too bitter, perhaps you could jot a note to your RS
President, and tell her how you feel. She needs a wake-up call.
Another reader tells of a VT who needs the same training:
... The first time she entered my home, she immediately
stated, "I don't want to hear about your life or your problems.
I will come and read you the message and bring you some chocolate." Taken
aback, at first I wondered if I misunderstood her statement,
as English is her second language. But I have been discovering
that she meant exactly what she said. I have invited her to share
her concerns about her children, marriage, and her life, which
she does. But I have serious doubts that an actual relationship
will develop. She is clearly completely uninterested in me. For
the first time, I am grateful for the 20 minute suggested time
limit. Perhaps visiting teaching can be done in 20 minutes. Friendship
takes a little more. And I don't even like the kind of chocolates
she brings.
Joni: First of all, you can send me the chocolates.
Second, how about mustering up some good-humored bluntness,
grab her by the arm, and say, “Hey. Not so fast, Toots. Visiting
teachers are supposed to hear problems. I need someone
to confide in! Come in and let me tell you all about it...” If
she doesn’t get the message, maybe she’ll request a change
and you’ll get someone more compassionate.
Another sister wrote about being hearing impaired,
and only able to understand her visitng teacher if a translator
is available. Talk about frustration! But... what if her visitng
teachers learned sign language? How about an ongoing sign language
class at enrichment night, so we could all be more useful tools
in God’s kingdom?
Now let’s read about a visiting teacher experience
that worked as it should:
Let me tell you about the one visiting teacher that
touched my life. I was a very timid, shy person. Going into a
room full of women was intimidating enough, but going in alone
and sitting alone was enough to send me into a sheer panic. I
avoided it at all costs. But once this sister became my visiting
teacher I never had to worry again. She always kept an eye out
for me, walking into the class with me, or waving me toward her
where she either saved me a seat or had people slide over so
there was room for me with a group.
She introduced me to her friends, helping us find
common interests and things to talk about. Knowing I wouldn't
go to homemaking meetings or stake events alone, she made sure
I was part of the car pools. She took an interest in me, gently
drawing me out, asking about my background, interests, my family,
and gospel knowledge. This sister went out of her way to befriend
my children. They didn't have a great sense of belonging either,
but she always acknowledged them by name. When they were
asked to speak in primary and later sacrament meeting, she always
commented about their talks. If she didn't see them in church
afterwards, she called them on the phone, just to praise them.
If we were out shopping and ran into her, she would take a moment
to acknowledge each child with me and find out what was happening
in their lives.
We had wonderful discussions. In her "lessons" she always asked what
I thought about such and such. When I was off base, she would inquire if I
had thought about it in this other light. Never did I feel she was correcting
me, chastising me for my shortcomings or comparing me to the ideal LDS woman.
She always found something to compliment me about. And I knew that the compliments
were sincere, because she listened and observed and her comments were genuine.
She encouraged me when I was discouraged. She helped
me recognize I had more abilities than I thought. I learned I could trust her.
She knew how to keep confidences and I respected her opinions. Consequently,
ever slowly I began to share some of the troubling aspects of my life, looking
for some guidance.
The day came when she was reassigned. She called me immediately when she learned
of the change, and told me that she would miss our official monthly visits.
But the friendship continued, because indeed she was now truly my friend. I
have since come to appreciate her being the one to let me know the change in
her visiting teaching assignment. It made me feel valued and loved.
This sister may not have done some of the things you think visiting teachers
do. I don't ever recall her bringing me a meal, or babysitting my children,
or doing cute little quotes to go with the message. But she truly showed interest
in me and my family. She called to wish me Happy Birthday and many other "Happy
Whatever" Days. She valued my time, calling ahead for appointments and
making sure I had time to chat before we started a phone conversation. She
shared her testimony, helping me see the "footsteps in the sand" type
moments in both of our lives. She listened with her heart, included me in her
prayers, prayed with me when I needed it, and drew me into group settings.
She was an anchor for me in a sea of social bewilderment. I gained in confidence
as I was instructed by her, both by example and by word. I shall always appreciate
the woman who came with her heart and touched mine profoundly.
What a beautiful tribute to an angel of a visiting teacher. If your
letter were read at my funeral, I would feel I had lived a full life. Bless
you for telling us about such a wonderful, honest-to-goodness sister.
Now here are some great tips from Kathy Grant of
Gilroy, California:
The last column on visiting teaching grabbed my attention, and I knew I had
to write. I love visiting teaching with all my heart. I have a strong
testimony of it, and it continues to be a source of joy and fulfillment. Here
are my thoughts for the sister who is struggling with visiting teaching.
Dear Sister,
My heart went out to you after reading your letter. You sound tired,
physically and emotionally. It's probably not just visiting teaching that seems
like too much.
I'm in the middle of learning some things you might find helpful. Last year
I unexpectedly became the 40-something single parent of a foster daughter,
age 16. My life was already crowded with a full-time job in another city,
a busy church calling, and other issues I won't go into. But after Dana
moved in, I went from barely keeping up to falling behind rapidly. I struggled
with decision-making and discipline, especially without a co-parent. I
struggled with guilt that I was not there enough for Dana. And my discretionary
time, limited before, dwindled to almost nothing. Sometimes I felt I was
losing my mind.
One day while commuting, I pled with the Lord for help. The impression came
that I needed to live each day, moment by moment, by the Spirit. When this
impression came, I remembered my friend Sue Carey sharing a similar experience.
One busy Christmas season, the Spirit prompted her
to take time out to prepare her Relief Society lesson. She followed
the prompting, and a testimony washed over her that if she would
do her tasks in the order in which the Lord wanted her to do
them, and put Him first, He would help her find the time to do
all the important things she needed to do. After she finished
her lesson, the Spirit guided her to the next task, and the next,
and she did in fact get everything done that she needed to.
I took the impression seriously, and what a difference it has made. I feel
much more peace, perhaps because I feel more confident I'm walking the path
my Heavenly Father wants me to walk. So what does this mean practically? (Because,
as you pointed out, theory does
not equal practice.) It means getting up before my foster-daughter each morning
to have at least 10 - 15 minutes of personal scripture study. It means personal
prayer, really trying to communicate with Heavenly Father, and praying specifically
to know His will for me for that day. Daily scripture and prayer are essential,
practical preparation for the hearing Spirit on a daily basis.
Then, I take 5 - 10 minutes to plan my day (nothing fancy–I just keep a list
in my word processor). As I plan, I try to put the tasks in the order that
feels right to me. If I get an uncomfortable feeling about something, or the
Spirit brings something to mind, I adjust the list accordingly. I print it
off and take it with me. (I also adjust the list and cross of items throughout
the day.)
Throughout the day, I seek spiritual guidance, especially between tasks (both
at work and home). "Heavenly Father, I just finished X. I think I should
do Y now. Is that right?" Sometimes I feel good about proceeding; other
times, I feel an uncomfortable feeling that tells me I'm heading the wrong
direction and need to change course. I bear testimony that the Lord these answers
these prayers.
I don't know if living each moment by the Spirit sounds easy or difficult to
you—I was surprised at how hard it really was! For one thing, I don't always
remember to check in with the Lord for guidance throughout the day (although
the more I do it, the easier it gets). However, a more difficult challenge
is that I don't always want to do what the Lord wants me to do. So developing
greater humility has been a part of this whole process. I've learned that it
really is pride when I want things my own way instead of being humble enough
to yield to His will. But when I do His will, things are always better.
Several recurring promptings are worth mentioning specifically:
* Attend the temple: For me, temple attendance is to time as tithing is to
money: when I go, the time I have left goes farther and things fall in place
much more easily.
* Take care of my health: follow the Word of Wisdom, get enough sleep, and
exercise regularly (this isn't some lofty ideal, but a matter of survival).
* Thank the Lord for my challenges. This is an act of faith that works miracles,
because it means I'm humbling myself enough to accept the Lord's plan for my
life and acknowledging that He knows what I need better than I do.
* Love and serve the sisters I visit teach. Over the years I've seen miracles
happen through visiting teaching. I've been in RS leadership meetings and felt
the Spirit direct visiting teaching assignments. I've felt the witness of the
Spirit to my soul that the Savior places a high priority on visiting teaching.
As I rely on the Lord to help me do His will each day, right down to daily
tasks and the order in which I do them, visiting teaching not only becomes
possible, but a source of great joy. I honestly love being a visiting teacher.
Two practical visiting teaching helps:
* If it works for your sisters, set a regular monthly appointment—for example,
the second Sunday of the month at 2:30 p.m. (For me, just having a regular
appointment removes a lot of the stress of visiting teaching. Some months we
have to adjust, but it's a great starting place.)
* Read Visiting Teaching: A Call to Serve, by Johanna Flynn and Anita
Canfield. This short book, a story, is an easy read and spiritual uplift.
* Recently as I pondered the challenges of my life,
the impression came to me: "Through these things, you are
being sanctified." That stopped me in my tracks, in a good
way. "Oh," I thought, "that's right. There's a
purpose to all this, and it's a really good purpose." I
pray you'll have the same feeling—that there is a divine purpose
to your challenges. I share my testimony that as we seek and
receive the Lord's guidance day by day we can navigate safely
even through overwhelming challenges, and through that daily
process, become like Him.
What an inspiring letter, and such practical advice
for making things better right now. Everything changes when
we listen to the Spirit, and approach our daily tasks prayerfully.
Another reader wrote:
Thank
you so much for these two beautiful articles containing testimonies
from sisters in every phase. Their comments were so 'right on'
and I can hardly wait to find a way to share some of them with
the ladies in my ward. It makes me realize that I have to 'give
up' my long time teaching companion in order that other sisters
can benefit from being with her. Hopefully, it will make me strive
harder to become the same kind of example she has been for me.
There are so many lessons in these two articles. I do hope there
is a way to reach the Home Teachers also.
Sincerely
- Erlean in Utah
Thanks, Erlean-- We’re all striving, aren’t we? Here’s
another sister who wouldn’t give up, and found the joy of sacrifice:
This topic hit a nerve with me. I was assigned a
sister that I did not want to teach. In my opinion she wore a "kick
me" sign around. She never smiled. She was active but never
felt socially comfortable in the church. Two years later I can
say I love her with all my heart. I understand her problems and
I think I have helped her a lot. When I see her husband he tells
me that I am the best visiting teacher she has ever had. That
was my goal--to be her best visiting teacher no matter how I
felt. I even see her smile now. Visiting teaching is inspired.
We must go with the Holy Ghost. He will guide us.-- Charmaine
Anderson
Charmaine, you’ve given us all a great idea-- set
the goal to be the best visiting teacher that person has ever
had. Wonderful! A reader named Karin has another way to look
at visiting teaching:
I
appreciate this article at this time. I’ve recently been thinking
that visiting teaching is to the law of consecration what Moses’ laws
were to Christ’s. Life is so busy now that if we can’t make the
most of service that is handed to us, then we miss a wonderful
opportunity to progress.
Good comparison, Karin. This is truly our training
ground for the kind of hereafter we want, isn’t it?
And now, this week’s question comes from a nursing
student:
A woman is a sales rep. for a large pharmaceutical
company in the U.S.
She calls on physicians at their offices and also visits hospital
pharmacies within her area. While reading the latest issue in her
pharmaceutical research journal, she learned that a drug made by one of her
competitors is a more effective treatment for certain types of
diabetes than the one her company makes. The one made by her company is still
effective, but the competitor's is more effective. She wonders if she has an
ethical obligation to discuss this finding with the
physicians she calls on. At the same time she wonders if it would be
unethical to promote the sale of her competitor's product. Do you think
she would be acting ethically if she did not inform her clients about
the drug that is superior to her company's for treating certain types of
diabetes?
We all come to ethical crossroads in life-- in our work, our volunteer efforts,
our relationships. Have you ever faced a similar situation? What would you
advise this sister?
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