"Letting off steam always produces more heat than light." This is another of the perfectly-said truisms from Elder Neal A. Maxwell (Ensign, November 1989, p. 84)
Whenever we allow contention to grow, things become darker and less manageable. Trying to win an argument, or convince another person that our way is the "right" or “only” way, no matter the cost, is not a win-win situation for anyone.
I have sometimes practiced my debate skills by disagreeing with a family member. I finally figured out that if, on occasion, I felt as though I “won”, there was no prize for the winner in such a contest. Contention in any form -- whether it is argument, sarcasm, or "debate" -- is a negative that harms the human soul, and creates cracks in fragile relationships. Every one of us is much happier when we work at maintaining peace instead of trying to be “right”.
Some take the counsel to keep peace as meaning that they should shove their own thoughts aside, or hide their real feelings so as to keep everything on an even keel. In fact, healthy relationships are built upon the open sharing of feelings- even when there is disagreement. The difference is in how we share those feelings.
Elder Marvin J. Ashton once counseled that it is important "to know how to disagree without being disagreeable." (Ensign, May 1978, p.8) Do we react differently to a family member than we do to a school friend, business associate, or neighbor? Can we enter into a conversation in which there are differing points of view, and use reason instead of reaction?
In order to stifle contention, and keep the peaceful environment [within ourselves as well as in our homes, neighborhoods, and the like] that is available when we invite the Holy Spirit to remain with us, I uncovered a few beautiful ideas that Elder Ashton taught. They are guideposts for alleviating the contention that does none of us any good. They are simple to understand, a little more difficult to practice on a continual basis, but so worth the effort!
They are:
1. Pray to have the love of God in your heart.
2. Learn to control your tongue.
3. Don't allow emotions to take over; rather, reason together.
4. Refuse to get embroiled in the same old patterns of argument and confrontation.
5. Practice speaking in a soft, calm voice.
(These ideas come from an address found in the Ensign magazine, May 1978, p.9)
It is sometimes necessary to vent frustrations. Some people find it helps to exercise. Some clean. (Many of us would love it if our family members practiced this form of venting!) Some cry. Others pray. When things are not going your way, disagreements come, or confrontation sneaks in, practice that form of venting which best helps you, but keeps the adversary out of the picture.
He isn't worth it. That battle of the moment probably isn't worth it. Separating our frustrations so that negative feelings do not bleed into our family and best friend relations will save us from more frustration that comes on the heels of opening our mouth and inserting our foot. It can be really uncomfortable! In very deed, letting off steam just heats everything up.
A good piece of advice that came from my husband is to keep things in proper perspective. What is troubling us right this minute might matter not one bit in a week, a day, or even in an hour. Biding our time and praying for wisdom can allow us to better control our tendency to speak with heat instead of light!
God bless us to exercise more self-control, to work harder at maintaining peace in our families and in our friendships. We may just be able to rid ourselves of contention altogether!
