Out of Our Mouths
By Vickey Pahnke-Taylor

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“You don’t understand how I feel!” “Did you hear what I said?” “I didn’t mean that.” “What do you think I’m saying?” Are these common feelings or words around your house from time to time?

Our ability to communicate with another person is complex and includes such ingredients as:

Because our language is earthly, it is imperfect and (according to the prophet Joseph Smith) “crooked, broken and scattered.” We must rely on more heavenly measures if we want to improve our heart-to-heart connections.

The entire business of communicating — speaking and hearing — may help make us or break us. I have heard two versions of an old adage that deals with words:

I suppose it depends on the words spoken, who is speaking them, and how important they are to us. It may depend upon how sensitive we are, or how easily we let go of offensive remarks that have no power over us in the long run. In any case, the words out of our mouths can be massively confusing and hurtful, or uplifting and beautifully meant to build. Communication can be Christ-like and healing as we work at it.

We cannot control anyone else, including the words they say. We can control our own tongues, despite all the excuses in the world, and should take care with the words we speak.

Oh, the times I have wished I had kept my mouth shut! Or worried that a conversation was only partially heard or understood! Mortal misunderstandings are part of the journey here, but we may eliminate some problems by applying common sense, common courtesy, and working at finding more things in common with those we love. Making mountains out of molehills, or making lemonade out of lemons, may be all in what we hear and in what we have to say.

The eight communication ingredients listed above might be improved upon as we:

1. Think before speaking. Bite the tongue before saying something that is better left unsaid. This advice is old as the wind and absolutely true! Measure words!
2. Deliver words appropriately. As a teenager, I frustrated my Dad to no end because I rolled my eyes. I am not sure I have yet totally gotten rid of this — umm — special delivery. He would say, “Vickey, it isn’t what you say — it is the way you say it.” As a Mom, I now understand his point. And would like to banish the eye rolling forever.
3. Body language says all kinds of things that words do not. Work to have them in harmony. 
4. When in a foul mood, choose another time to have a discussion! We may allow undue negativity to enter in when we are being negative ourselves.
5. It is ALWAYS a good idea to ask the Spirit’s prompting in communicating.  As we remember to keep the commandments and seek to do Christ’s will, his influence will allow a sweeter way of relating. In time, it becomes more natural to “always have His spirit to be with [us].” (See D&C 20)
6. Open minds allow thoughts to flow. Best not to make a decision before learning all the facts and feelings. (Just ask any kid who has been blamed for something they didn’t do — and the truth came out after the punishment was meted!)
7. Elder Sterling W. Sill said, “Desire is the pilot of the soul.” Once we know that another’s intent is not to hurt us, walls come down and words are more freely and acceptingly shared.
8. Instead of thinking ahead to the next point we want to make, pay attention to what is being said. Listen with the intent to hear.

We know that we will be held accountable for the words we say. With self-mastery, we can more carefully measure those words that come out of our mouths. Good sense and good principles build a better “us” and build better bridges to others. By governing our tongues and reigning in our impulses, we can create more love and less drama. We can become more loveable and more loved.

I believe it was Mark Twain who said, “We should strive to live so that, when it is our time to die, even the undertaker will be sorry.” 

What comes out of our mouths can become less about what we should have said, and more about what we actually say. It can be less about ‘how we reacted’ and more about how we act. As we take the Holy Spirit for our guide in our relationships, we may see them all improve. 

[Next column, we will examine the “listening” part of communicating!]