“This lesson also runs counter to our normal reflex.
When our correction isn't working, we normally bear down harder
and correct more. And when our teaching is going poorly, we often
try to rescue it by talking more and insisting more. That is,
we drone on in an attempt to correct the problems we have created
by droning on!”
Lou thought of all his “teaching” sessions with
Cory.
“If I am correcting and correcting but problems
remain,” Yusuf continued, “that is a clue that the solution to
the problem I am facing will not be found in further correction.
Likewise with teaching. And if I learn and learn, even going so
far as to revise my opinions, but problems persist, perhaps what
I need to do is go out and engage with others personally. Maybe
I need to increase my efforts to build relationships both with
those I am dealing with and with others who deal with them.
“Mei Li shared with us one of the key ways we build
relationships here at Camp Moriah: in all that we do with others,
we try to ‘take off our shoes' with them. We join them in the
limitations they face and hold ourselves to the same requirements.
“For example, the lunchtime assignment we gave you
yesterday — to see everyone during that time as a person — was
an assignment Avi and I took upon ourselves as well. And we pondered
the conflicts and boxes in our own lives last night, just as we
asked you to do. And just as you have had impressions during our
time together of things you need to do for someone, we too have
had the same impressions and will leave today with the same commitment
that you will have: to do what we feel to do to help things go
right.
“If I find I have trouble building relationships
despite my efforts to do so, this second lesson suggests that
a solution, if there is to be one, will not be found simply by
spending more time with others. I might have a problem at the
lowest level of the pyramid — in my way of being.
“Which brings us,” Yusuf said, “to the pyramid's
lowest level, and to its third lesson.”
“I can put all the effort I want into trying to
build my relationships,” Yusuf said, “but if I'm in the box while
I'm doing it, it won't help much. If I'm in the box while I'm
trying to learn, I'll only end up hearing what I want to hear.
And if I'm in the box while I'm trying to teach, I'll invite resistance
in all who listen.”
Yusuf looked around at the group. “My effectiveness
in everything above the lowest level of the pyramid depends on
the lowest level. My question for you is, why?”
Everyone looked at the pyramid.
“You might try looking at the way-of-being diagram
from yesterday,” Yusuf said.
“I get it,” Lou said after a moment.
“What?” Yusuf asked. “What are you seeing?”
“Well, the way-of-being diagram tells us that almost
any outward behavior can be done in either of two ways — with
a heart that's at war or a heart that's at peace.”
“Yes,” Yusuf agreed. “And what does that have to
do with the Peacemaking Pyramid?”
“Everything above the lowest level of the pyramid
is a behavior,” Lou answered.
“Exactly,” Yusuf said. “So anything I do to build
relationships, to learn, to teach, or to correct can be done either
in the box or out. And as we learned yesterday from the collusion
diagram, when I act from within the box, I invite resistance.
Although there are two ways to invade Jerusalem, only one of those
ways invites cooperation. The other sows the seeds of its own
failure.
“So while the pyramid tells us where to look and
what kinds of things to do in order to invite change in others,
this last lesson reminds us that it cannot be faked. The pyramid
keeps helping me to remember that I might be a problem and giving
me hints of how I might begin to become part of a solution.
“A culture of change can never be created by behavioral
strategy alone. Peace — whether at home, work, or between peoples
— is invited only when an intelligent outward strategy is married
to a peaceful inward one.
“This is why we have spent most of our time together
working to improve ourselves at this deepest level. If we don't
get our hearts right, our strategies won't much matter. Once we
get our hearts right, however, outward strategies matter a lot.
The virtue of the pyramid is that it reminds us of the essential
foundation — change in ourselves — while also revealing a behavioral
strategy for inviting change in others. It reminds us to get out
of the box ourselves at the same time that it tells us how to
invite others to get out as well.”
As Lou listened, he saw how the pyramid could help
him at Zagrum. First of all, he needed Kate back. He hadn't known
where to begin, but now he knew that he needed to talk with her
— teach her about what he had discovered about himself, and tell
her about the changes he was committed to making. And he knew
as well that he had to ask her to help him see where he was still
blind. He needed to learn from her, and he was finally willing
to.
As for the relationship, he wasn't sure he could
repair it, given how he'd acted. But he suddenly knew where he
had to begin. He had removed a ladder she was using as a prop
for her team because he thought it was a stupid idea. His taking
the ladder was symbolic of much that was wrong about his style
with people, just as Kate had said. As silly as it sounded, he
knew he needed to take her a ladder. He resolved that he would
take it to her home in Litchfield, Connecticut, as soon as he
and Carol returned home.
Which brought him to Carol. He knew that he tended
toward better-than and I-deserve boxes and that others often faded
away into the scenery as a result. He was afraid of that happening
again, especially toward Carol. It occurred to him that the pyramid
could help with this. If he could keep reminding himself to work
the lower levels of the pyramid, he would remember to stay in
the middle of learning from Carol — to wonder about her day, for
example, and her feelings.
It would also help him to remember to keep working
to build their relationship — to spend time together doing what
she enjoys, for example. And at the bottom level of the pyramid,
he knew it would help if he could find ways to keep remembering
how Carol was the one who had held their family together, often
despite him. If he could keep remembering that, it would be much
harder to start thinking that he was somehow superior or more
important.
Lou looked at the pyramid again. He finally had
some hope. But he was still worried. “I'm worried that I'm going
to blow it,” he confided aloud.
“Of course you will!” Yusuf laughed. “Of course
you're going to blow it. We all will. You're a person, after all,
not an automaton. If the possibility of failure paralyzes you,
you might wonder what box is demanding that you be perfect.”
“You're saying I have a need to be perfect?”
“It might be worth considering. Must-be-seen-as
boxes can wield paralyzing impact.”
Lou chuckled.
“What's so funny?” Yusuf asked.
“I keep telling myself I don't really have any must-be-seen-as
issues, but they keep popping up.”
“Most of us justify ourselves in all of the basic
ways to one degree or another,” Yusuf said. “At least I know I
do.”
At that, Yusuf looked around at everyone — at Lou,
Carol, Elizabeth, Gwyn, Pettis, Miguel, Ria, Teri, and Carl. “Regretfully,
at least for me,” he added with a smile, “our time together is
about finished. I appreciate the time and effort you have devoted
to this. You have been pondering your lives in bold ways. I hope
you will be both troubled and inspired as a result; troubled because
you know that the box is always just a choice away but hopeful
for the very same reason because freedom from the box is also
just a choice away — a choice that is available to us in every
moment.
“May I mention one more thing to you before we go
our separate ways today?” he asked.
“Please,” everyone answered.
“I want to share with you why we chose to name our program Camp
Moriah.”
Copyright © 2006 by The
Arbinger Institute
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