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We have been spending the holidays
in Seattle, Washington. Today we put two of our sons on planes to
fly home — one to Utah and one to California. After we dropped
them off, a conversation ensued about our six children and what
we could do as parents to better prepare them and help them to function
in and/or step up to their adult roles.
My husband remarked how helpful it would be if we could see beforehand
the consequences of our actions. Soon I was telling a story, one
he’d heard before, but it bears repeating because it contains
multiple lessons. As they say, “We can’t all learn from
the experiences of other people. Some of us have to be the other
people.”
It was the spring of 1982. I worked
as a secretary to an estate-planning attorney. Perhaps that is why
I was more aware than most new parents that the main reason for
having a will is to name a guardian for your children. Paul and
I were in the process of having a will drafted that would have specified
who would take care of our baby in the event of our deaths. I understood
that if we did not have a will that identified our choice of a guardian,
the decision would be made by the state.
We were also in the process of taking
out a life insurance policy on Paul. Being poor newlyweds, we had
decided to stagger the due dates on our vehicle and life insurance
policies so that they would not all come due in the same month.
Being the one who paid the bills, that was my idea.
The life insurance was the one we decided
to hold off on. Paul had taken the physical, and all the forms had
been filled out. Basically, the insurance agent had left me with
a business card giving the address to which I should send payment.
On the back he had written the amount it would take to put a term
life insurance policy for $100,000.00 in force on Paul’s life.
He had told me that as soon as I sent the first payment, he would
activate the policy.
Listen to the Promptings
I kept that card, with the amount of
$40.50 written in pencil on the back, with the pile of bills. Each
time it came to the top of the pile, I figured out whether or not
we had enough money to pay it. A couple of months went by with other
bills receiving a higher priority. It started to nag at me. I told
myself that the following month I was going to pay it, even if I
had to let something else wait. I had the money earmarked to pay
the first premium on the life insurance policy, and I was guarding
it carefully, determined that I was going to pay the bill in May
and put the insurance policy in force.
Unforeseen Consequences
When Paul died on June 15, 1982, I
thought about taking out a full-page ad in the Deseret News
that said something like this:
To the person who stole the battery
out of our used car last month, you did not steal just a battery.
You stole the money that was to be used to pay the first premium
of a life insurance policy on my thirty-year-old husband who died
in an accident this week. You may think you just stole a battery,
but in essence, you stole $100,000.00. You stole the money that
would have allowed a young mother and her baby to survive financially.
I can say this now, partly because
I know that people aren’t as likely to open their hearts and
their pocketbooks to send me money. (Address is, however, available
upon request.) I doubt whoever stole the battery would ever read
this or even remember our green Gran Torino with the baby seat,
and my intention in writing this is not to deter Meridian readers
from embarking on a life of crime. My purpose is to do something
I have tried to do since the loss of my husband more than 25 years
ago — help young parents to see the need to name a guardian
for their children and help everyone understand the need for life
insurance and planning for that other thing we can count on besides
taxes.
If Ye Are Prepared, Ye Shall
Not Fear
At one presentation I gave on the subject,
I had a husband stand in front while I asked his wife a series of
questions about her desires for funeral and burial arrangements.
She had two signs. One said “On the Money.” The other
said “Out to Lunch.”
I then asked him a series of questions.
“Flowers or charitable donations?” He got that right,
seemingly, until I asked him which charity. “Who would she
want to speak at her funeral?” “What songs would she
like to have sung or played?” I am not sure if any of the
other couples went home and had a discussion about desires for their
funeral services, but I’m sure that at least that couple did.
Often wives are not fully aware of
their husband’s business ventures. I talked to one wife who
was unaware until her husband died that one of the things she had
robotically signed was a document putting up their home to back
the business. Suddenly she was left with a business she could not
run and lost her home and her husband in the same year.
Because death isn’t a fun topic,
it is easily avoided. Preferring to think I was being looked after
by the Powers that Be, even though the thief was not struck down
in the act of stealing the battery, I like to think it was not coincidence
that shortly before Paul died, his mother’s remarriage sparked
a lighthearted “what would you do if I died?” conversation.
After picking out each other’s subsequent spouses, we then
each expressed our desires for a funeral service. I never imagined
that just a few weeks later, I would ask those speakers he had requested
and would play the musical numbers he had wanted.
As per his request, I kept it real,
not flowery and overdone. I did everything he asked me to except
marry Lee Redd and list the “Paul-bearers.” (Okay, I
admit that last part was my idea, but he would have asked me if
he’d thought of it.) Marveling at the fact that at our ages
we had actually discussed such things, it cemented my feelings that
the Lord was watching over us.
Looking back, I also realized that
I had received promptings about the life insurance, more than just
the nagging of an unpaid bill. In the end, it turned out that there
was life insurance through my husband’s work, and we were
able to collect Social Security. The insurance of the man who caused
the accident eventually paid as well, but in the immediate aftermath
of my husband’s death, the only thing known to me was that
I had neglected to pay the $40.50 premium for the life insurance
policy.
Had I been more aware of our situation
and the resources that were available, I would have saved myself
the added distress of believing I had no resources and needed to
leave my baby in daycare and find work immediately.
Having a discussion once a year about
your financial affairs, your personal wishes, your family circumstances
is a good idea, because things change. Every time I teach a class
on the subject, I find something I have overlooked and the act of
teaching helps me become better prepared.
The guardian you might choose when
your children are young may not be the same one you would choose
when they are teens. For those who are not married, it is a good
idea to make sure someone else is aware of your financial situation.
During the years that I was single, I had my parents, who were also
listed as my son’s guardians, as co-signers on my bank accounts.
Their names were not on the checks, but in the event something happened
to me, they would have been able immediately to access my funds
for my son’s care.
While it may be distasteful to bring
up the possibility of the death of a spouse, it is probably more
uncomfortable to bring it up as they wheel your spouse into open
heart surgery. “Honey, I’m sure everything will be okay,
but just in case, what’s your favorite hymn and where is the
life insurance policy?”
Part of being a grown-up is not neglecting
things like health and life insurance, estate planning and preparation.
You may think you have time to think about such things. I did. You
might think that you are both going to live long lives and be around
to raise your children. I did. You may think that nothing out-of-the-ordinary
is ever going to rock your world. I don’t anymore.
(Note: Susan is now fielding offers to speak at Relief Society
birthday parties in March in the Utah and Idaho area. This topic
and many others are available.)
© 2007 Meridian
Magazine. All Rights Reserved.
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