I had another experience in that
same time frame. My sister, giving me directions to her daughter's
home over the phone, told me that 90th South would go straight
through from State Street to 20th East. I had been on 90th just
days before and it didn't go through.
She was absolutely sure it did and
was dumbfounded that I would doubt her word. I had seen with my
own eyes that it didn't and was dumbfounded that she would doubt
my first-hand recent experience — something I had seen with
my own eyes!
When all was said and done we were
both right — 90th didn't go through, and the street she
was thinking of did; she just got the name wrong. But we both
had to take a hard look at our need to have our opinions accepted
as reality when that reality differed with the other person's
reality.
We were both raised by a dad who
was always “right” and, in our perspective, never
considered our ideas and opinions. Did that give us both an inordinate
need to have our opinions respected? We love each other dearly.
Was the issue of whether 90th was a through street worth arguing
about? Being “right” about something is an empty victory
indeed if a relationship is strained because of it.
Changing the Perceptions
of Others is Not My Stewardship
Perhaps the root of my problem is
that being true to my own well-supported conclusions isn't enough
for me. I want the other person to believe my data and change
their opinion — especially when it's so obvious (to me)
that I'm “right.” I've learned that it is not having
differing opinions that strain relationships; it is when I have
the expectation that the other person will “see the light”
and get in line with my “superior” thinking if I just
explain things well enough.
Why have I so often thought that
sharing my experience, data, and perceptions would change someone
else's opinion when it rarely has?
By and large people only believe
their own experience and data enough to change their opinion.
“A man convinced against his will is of the same opinion
still.” Peace comes only in letting go of the need to change
others thinking, to straighten them out or fix them or make sure
they know “the truth” as I see it. That is not my
stewardship.
Nor is it my stewardship to try to
change anyone else's heart; only Christ changes hearts. It is
appropriate to ask him to change my heart whenever I feel that
natural man compulsion to not only be “right” but
to convince others of that fact. It take a generosity of spirit
to allow others their own perceptions and responses, to have the
patience to let others be on their own journey, learn at their
own speed — the very same generosity of experience exemplified
by the Savior.
We Can Only See What We Can
See
Can I honor each person's right to see things differently without
having to believe what simply isn't true to me?
Doug gave me a good object lesson
on that not many years after we were married. When I was trying
very hard one day to get him to see things “my way,”
he suggested I hold a typewritten page upright between us. “What
do you see?” he asked. “I see a page full of printed
words,” I replied.
“And from my perspective I
see a blank page,” he replied. “Everything you see
is colored by where you are coming from — your whole life
experience. Everything I see is the same. Do you want me to lie
and tell you I see what you see when I don't?”
That logic made a deep impression
on me and I've tried to remember it. Doug is much better at letting
it be all right for me to see things differently than he does
— and I love him for that. He doesn't have the compulsion
I sometimes have to get others to see things my way.
Letting Go of the Need to
Be Right Doesn't Mean Compromising Integrity
I can let go of needing to be “right”
and still have the courage to say what I think and feel and need.
The key is how I say it. If I say it with expectation or the slightest
pressure for my listener to accept what I say as “right”
above their own opinion, then my words will not be well received.
Speaking my truth need never include
commands or demands. If I say what I think and feel with complete
respect for separate realities and a willingness to listen to
others and consider their points of view, my words won't create
automatic resistance or the need to defend. No one responds well
to someone who has the tendency to sound desperate to be listened
to and believed. What I really need is to be desperate to listen!
I need to “seek first to understand” rather than to
be understood. So much mutual respect is engendered by willingness
to listen, so little by pleading our own case.
H. Wallace Goddard said, “Apparently
our human obsession with being right often obscures His [the Savior's]
command [to the unforgiving debtor: “Shouldest not thou
also have had compassion on thy fellowservant, even as I had pity
on thee?” (Mathew 18: 33) He asks that we focus on being
good; He does not command that we always be right. How many wars
might be averted, how many lives spared, how many estrangements
might be avoided, and how many misunderstandings renounced if
we let goodness govern over rightness?” (“When
Being Right Isn't Good Enough”, Meridian Magazine
5/2/02)
Do We Really Know We Are
Right?
Perhaps part of the goodness Brother
Goddard refers to is the humility to recognize that there are
very few things we can be sure we are right about. When my sons
were babies I felt a little self-righteous about sweetening their
food or drinks with honey instead of sugar. I even thought mothers
who did the opposite were a bit irresponsible. I thought I was
right and “they” were wrong. Imagine how I felt later
when it became common knowledge that honey can be dangerous for
babies.
For years I felt self-righteous about
brushing my teeth often with a hard bristle brush. I thought everybody
would be better off if they followed my good example. Recently
I read that too much brushing, especially with a hard bristle
toothbrush, can damage teeth and gums. My dentist confirmed that
I have actually damaged the enamel on my teeth by such over-zealous
brushing.
Even if we are talking about gospel
principles, where we “know” we are right, is it right
to be self-righteous? Self-righteousness is a whole lot more about
wanting to be right than it is about being righteous. If someone
disagrees with me about some doctrinal issue, I often find out
later that one of us was just using the wrong terminology —
exactly like my sister thinking of the wrong name for the street
— that we really agree on the basic “truth”
after all.
Psychology teaches us to recognize
the common human pattern to make a conclusion or judgment, then
pay attention only to data that supports our conclusion (ignoring
all data to the contrary, no matter how valid the opposing data
might be: “Don't confuse me with the facts. My mind is made
up.”) The mind wants to be “right” about its
conclusions.
Ironically, I did this for a long
period of time, gathering data to support my conclusion (make
me right) about being wrong about my relationship choices! What
a relief to be able to let go of that mind-set and open my heart,
instead to the Spirit's tutoring.
My friend's son is in a heart-wrenching
situation with some parents who are certain they are right and
that their daughter is wrong. They refuse to consider any data
to the contrary. After a three-year courtship, he and his fiancee
both feel they have received spiritual confirmation that it is
right for them to marry. Her parents are certain that they as
parents are right in wanting something “better” for
their daughter. They refuse to participate in plans for the temple
wedding or reception. They persecute, name call and harass both
their daughter and her intended husband. The pain for all involved
is unbelievable.
None of us know a tiny fraction of
what is in the hearts and minds of others. God alone knows the
truth of someone else's experience. I wonder if we ever have the
stewardship to judge the authenticity of someone else's spiritual
experiences — unless, of course, that person feels “led”
to do evil?
Different Doesn't Mean Wrong
Fortunately my husband and I agree
on most of the basics; we agree on the direction we are heading
and what really matters in life. We both feel strongly about our
values and our belief in basic doctrines. However, because we
come from such different backgrounds, we see the world and most
things in it differently. And because we are very different personalities
we think very differently in regard to how daily-life things should
and shouldn't be done.
Some of our differences are man/woman
things: I multi-task, he focuses on one thing at a time. For the
first few years of our marriage he consistently said, “Why
don't you just do one thing at a time!” — especially
when I burned up a pan or let the utility sink overflow! But over
the years, he realized I simply couldn't do life that way. I'm
wired to do several things at once — and never would have
survived raising seven kids if I hadn't been! The way I am is
“right” for me.
On the other hand, I came to understand
and accept his deep need to focus. He simply cannot think of more
than one thing at a time without feeling very stressed. And the
way he is, is “right for him. I've learned that we can think
as differently as can be about mundane stuff and approach our
tasks in two very different ways and still maintain good feelings
between us if we totally respect each other's right to be who
we are, think what we think, do things the way we must do them.
Respect is such an important part of goodness, and insisting our
way is right is seldom respectful of others.
I Can Be So Wrong Being Right
I've often heard the question, “Would
you rather be right, or be happy?” I doubt that I have ever
been more wrong (or more miserable) than when I have been standing
on my ivory tower of rightness, insisting that someone else was
not seeing things clearly.
When I kneel at the Lord's feet,
does He want a recital of all the things I feel I am right about?
Hardly. Think of his words to the Pharisee, who was doing that
very thing. The Pharisees seemed blind to their own faults. Were
they hiding behind the facade of their own “rightness”?
Author Scott Peck said:
