Lo, children are an heritage of the Lord: and the fruit of the womb is his reward. As arrows are in the hand of a mighty man; so are children of the youth. Happy is the man that hath his quiver full of them: they shall not be ashamed.” 1 “Thy wife shall be as a fruitful vine; thy children like olive plants round about the table. Behold, that thus shall the man be blessed that feareth the Lord. 2 (Emphasis added.)
By reading these scriptures, one might deduce that the childless man is weak, unhappy, ashamed and unrighteous. Sometimes I feel that way. Childlessness is a sore trial to me. But sore trials are called “blessings” now, and we are taught to be thankful for them because they are for our benefit and growth.
Being positive about the blessings of trials is not easy, however. That so many people I know are on antidepressant drugs tells me that many not only find it difficult to put on a brave face or to live up to life’s expectations, but feel guilty about the inability to do so.
Some people fail to recognize when enough blessings are enough and feel to further bless us by pouring salt in our wounds. These salt-shaker slingers ask such insensitive questions of the unwed, the divorced, and the childless as, “When are you going to get married?” “Why didn’t you stick it (bad marriage) out?” “When are you going to have children? or “Are you pregnant yet?” Sensitivity, understanding, and empathy are alien concepts to them. Neither women’s nor men’s feelings are safe from thoughtless questions.
Feelings — How Different Are Men from Women?
According to Tanya Koropeckyj-Cox, a University of Florida sociology professor, child-bearing and childlessness are far more pressing issues in the lives of women than men. “’Childbearing is much more connected to the way women think of themselves and the way women are seen socially by others,’ she said. As a result, many childless women report feeling in a position of having to explain their childless status.” 4
Women do tend to talk more about their feelings to friends than do men. Some even put their feelings into print, and many of us read their articles.
While men may feel it less necessary (or desirable) to explain their childlessness, believing that we lack feelings about it is unjustified. A husband who truly loves his wife cannot help but to share the pain that she suffers because she has no children. How I’ve cried for my wife because of the anguish in her heart, for the insensitive treatment she has received from people who have offered reproach instead of compassion, and for the humiliation she so often has felt on Mother’s Day.
In recent years, it has become more widely accepted that men have a feminine side to their personalities and women have a masculine side to theirs. Psychologist Janet S. Hyde, Ph.D., found from meta-analysis that “on most psychological characteristics, males and females are more alike than different.” 5 (Emphasis added.) Thus, in the real world far more overlap exists between men and women than gender stereotypes indicate.
Generalizations are generally more myth than fact. The Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus sexist fairy tale is closely related to the “snails & puppy dog tails” vs. “sugar and spice and everything nice” malarkey. These myths can be damaging.
One consequence of this overinflated claim of gender differences is that it reifies the stereotype of women as caring and nurturant, and men as lacking in nurturance. One cost to men is that they may believe that they cannot be nurturant, even in their role as father. 6
Another cost to men is that they are seen as less caring about their childlessness than women, and thus, what feelings they may have about it are held within because to express them would be to step out of the role expected of a Martian.Childlessness Affects Marriage
Here are some of the effects of infertility. These effects are applicable to men as well as to women, as I can attest:
Infertility attacks an individual’s sense of purpose and self- worth, and can place an enormous strain on a marriage. 7
Childlessness can cause stress on a couple's personal, social and sexual lives. The anger and disappointment that often accompanies childlessness can rub off on the marital companionship, and cause couples to blame one another. Many couples suffer with depression, which in turn can lead them [to] withdraw themselves from friends and family. Going to a party or family gathering where children are present can cause the pain of childlessness to surface. As a result couples avoid these types of situations. 8
The pressure is immense. Some young-married LDS couples are expected to start having babies from nine to twelve months after the wedding. Lacking pregnancy, they are subjected to the “When are you going to start a family?” inquisition. So they work even harder to have a baby, counting days, checking temperatures, taking fertility drugs, and turning sex into a single purpose ordeal.
When couples place procreation as the focus of their intimacy for an extended period of time, sexual intercourse becomes solely a way to create children; it no longer has the element of love, affection, or spontaneity. 9
Reproach is Not Reserved for Women
Men, too, receive reproach because of their childlessness. This comes in many forms. Some of them include
- Intimidation . One brother told me long ago that I could never be a bishop because I had no children. Not that I aspired to that calling (far from it!), but the concept that I was a lesser man, an inferior priesthood holder, was like a hot branding iron on the heart.
- Insensitivity . Another brother bluntly stated that he knew childless couples were not gaining the experiences and knowledge that parents gain, and would, therefore, be unable to progress in eternity the same as couples who had been blessed to experience the joys and sorrows of parenthood in this life. Again, the implication is that we are less in the eyes of God and man through no fault of our own.
Lessons about children and families, often include some version of the pronouncement that “We all have children...” Enduring these lessons is hard enough without having our lack of children emphasized that way.
A one member asked my visiting father if something was wrong with me because my wife had borne no children. My non-member father was not favorably impressed by this tactless and tasteless question. No one has the right to assume the cause for childlessness, much less to place blame on anyone.
- Isolation . Sometimes listening to the rest my brethren in my own priesthood quorum talk about their descendants in both a personal and a spiritual context can magnify my pain and leave me on the outside. For me, Sunday can be the most depressing day of the week.
- Boorishness . One woman argued with me in front of several couples in my home over my answer to her question about how many children we had. Rejecting the truth that we had none, she all but called me a liar. When someone verified my answer she finally dropped the subject without so much as an apology.
Mothering or Fathering Others’ Children
One year we took in a teenage girl under the Indian Student Placement Program. Although the three of us wanted her back for a second year, program administrators decided that she should be placed elsewhere. We were not consulted, but we were left with the impression that ours was a less than desirable home because we had no children.
Two attempts to help boys without fathers at home only increased the pain of not having any children in our home and added stress to our marriage.
We helped a girl who lived with us during her twelfth grade go on a mission to Germany and have “the best wedding reception” when she married. Our one-year “daughter” considers us “family.”
In Our Senior Years
At funerals a biography and stories are often given by descendants of the deceased. As 24 children stood to sing a medley of church songs at their grandfather’s funeral, a person near me said the deceased man was so blessed. At my funeral there will be no descendants to speak, no grandchildren to sing.
Inheritance can be an agonizing problem for the aging. To whom do we pass our treasured possessions when we die? I have my mother’s cedar chest full of remembrances, and no close relatives. Who will treasure that when I’m gone?
As a man grows older, these things weigh more heavily on the mind; the reality becomes more painful.
Just One Childless Man’s Perspective
Men do have feelings, but every man is different. My feelings are likely not the same as those of other men.
We each deal with situations in our own ways based upon our unique personalities, past and present environments, and the strength of our faith. My feelings tend to be nearer the surface. I feel pain, sorrow, and depression over my childlessness.
I’ve found what I believe to be the closest I’ll come to childless peace and happiness on earth with two wonderful Samoyed dogs. They are our family; they give pure unconditional love; they don’t require college educations, mission expenses, and wedding receptions; the Word of Wisdom is never a problem for them; they don’t demand designer clothes; they don’t raid the refrigerator; they don’t ask to borrow the car; and Mother can never threaten them with, “Just wait until your father gets home.”
And instead of hideous ties for Father’s Day, I look forward to getting licks from my “boys.” In this life, that’s as good as it gets.
Notes
1 Psalm 127: 1, 3-5
2 Psalm 128:3-4
3 http://www.rickross.com/reference/mormon/mormon64.html
4 http://www.napa.ufl.edu/2003news/childlessness.htm
5 http://www.apa.org/releases/gendersim0905.html
6 The Gender Similarities Hypothesis by Janet Shibley Hyde, University of Wisconsin-Madison, http://www.apa.org/journals/releases/amp606581.pdf
7 Journey of Hope, A Counseling/Support Group for Woman Struggling With Infertility and Pregnancy Loss, http://c3christiancounseling.com/groups.html
8 Dealing with Infertility and Childlessness by Jeremy S. Boyle, Research Assistant, edited by Stephen F. Duncan, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. http://www.foreverfamilies.net/xml/articles/childless_couples.aspx
9 Ibid.
10 Ask the Experts By George Mussalli, maternal-fetal medicine specialist http://www.babycenter.com/refcap/3127.html
11 Decreasing the Chance of Birth Defects by Rebecca D. Williams http://childbirthsolutions.com/articles/preconception/decreasebirth/index.php
12 http://mentalhealth.about.com/library/sci/0401/bloldsz401.htm
13 Lamentations 5:1-2
© Paul Lewis. Image from BigStockPhoto.com