Trusting Yourself
By Fay A. Klingler

Editor's note:  This is one of a series of articles about recovering from betrayal.  Read the first article here.

When you are betrayed, especially if it is an intimate betrayal, your sense of worth and ability to trust yourself becomes undermined. Some people lose faith and trust in God. In my case, my betrayer was so successful with "mind games" that I had to refer back to my reality checklist often to keep from also losing my mind.

The manner in which that [betrayal] trauma is processed and remembered is influenced by the degree of trust and intimacy you believed existed between you and the betrayer.
 

(Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery  by Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, published by Mapletree Publishing Company, p. 83.)

In the process of recovery, you must give yourself permission to create your own autonomy, defend your right of agency, and issue a license to govern and trust yourself.

No matter what your circumstances, you have options and choices to make... You have to live with the consequences of your choices. It is a given that you will make mistakes. It's not possible to make perfect choices all the time. But it is possible to consistently make better choices that you can live with and grow from when you respect and trust yourself, set reasonable limits, and have a clear idea of your identity as a son or daughter of God. (Ibid., pp. 118-119.)

Hope comes when you realize you are not alone, that family members, good friends, bishops, therapists, and most importantly the Spirit can help you make proper decisions and stable choices. But first you must honestly be aware of your reality, including the part you play.

Darlene Forbes, a Meridian reader, believes being trustworthy with self is the first key. "How can you trust someone you know is lying to you?" she asked. "You know when you are lying to yourself. The Holy Ghost bears witness of all things, including when you are not being honest with others, with Heavenly Father, and with yourself."

Darlene believes trusting self includes self awareness at the deepest level. "No more deceiving myself," she said. "No more half-truths, exaggerations, minimizing or maximizing situations, looking the other way, rationalizing, making excuses. It may sound easy, but it is not. I fool myself on a daily basis. I hear myself saying things like, ‘That's not me. I'm not like that. It's not that bad. It's because of him or her or them.' But the truth is, that IS me, I AM like that, it IS that bad, it IS because of me! If I can't trust someone because they lied to me, then I can't trust myself if I lie to me. I begin to trust myself when I can honestly say, ‘I'm not there yet. I wish I were; I am trying my best, but I am just not there yet.' Lying to myself that I am ‘there' when I am not just undermines my trust in myself. If I knew someone was hiding something from me, keeping secrets, deceiving or lying to me, I would not trust them. Same goes for self.

"Sometimes I have to uncover the truth about myself," she continued. "It is not always obvious, especially if I have been living under a false idea for many years about who I am. This is when I humbly get on my knees and ask the Lord to uncover the lies I am telling myself. To not be bound by the chains of self-deception is what I believe the Lord meant when He said the truth will set me free. For me, this is the first step in learning to trust myself. Telling myself the truth about me."

To back up her statement, Darlene quoted Marvin J. Ashton: "No man can be at peace who is untrue to his better self. No man can have lasting peace who is living a lie."

If being trustworthy is the first key to trusting yourself, then collecting and working from reliable data must be the second key in a three-key process. Knowledge provides the power of confidence and replaces vulnerability with safety and strength. The third key is faith and trust in God.

Gary Powell, another Meridian reader, said, "I personally believe the Lord wants us to develop knowledge so we can become confident in ourselves as well as in Him. He wants us to be so confident in ourselves because of righteous living that when we feel prompted by the Holy Spirit, we act on it, and know we are doing the right thing, no matter how crazy it may seem at the time."

Gary feels it is important to gain a knowledge of the way God works so that "when you find yourself having to make a decision on something really important later in life, when everything seems stacked against you and you will look stupid if you are wrong, the knowledge you have accumulated in the spiritual way will stand by you and you can confidently make a decision."

Gary continued, "My wife and I rely on the Spirit to guide us on most things and it never fails. Two years ago we were house-hunting. Houses around this area [Australia] are really hard to come by. Our landlord at the time had reneged on the deal, and we were pressed to get a place. We knelt and asked the Lord to help us. While praying, the number 220 kept going through my mind. We went to the local real estate agent for help and found that the place three doors from where we were living was coming up for rental for $280. It was a lot more than we wanted to pay, but it was in a good area, so we put in an application for it. We missed out and were not told till Thursday. We had to leave the old place on Saturday."

So Gary and his wife knelt in prayer once more, and again the number 220 flashed in his mind. He said, "We went to the real estate office, and this time my wife drew my attention to a place, and we went to see it. It was perfect for our needs and we got it. That's when I found the rent was $220. My wife had seen it on both visits to the realtor's office, but I wasn't paying attention. That shows how the spirit works. I was confident the Lord would get us a house that suited our needs, but I wasn't listening for the reply to my prayers. So when you ask, remember, slow down for the message to reach you!"

As you risk making life better for yourself by turning the keys of trustworthiness, knowledge, and faith in God, you come to terms with new, healthier ways of looking at and reacting to the everyday happenings of life. When trusting yourself, you feel hopeful in the process of moving forward. And you are more capable of focusing on the fun and the challenge, not the fear.