Grief and the Power of Support Groups in Recovering from Betrayal
By Fay A. Klingler

Editor’s note:  This is one of a series of articles about recovering from betrayal.  Read the first article here.

I appreciate those men and women who took the time to respond to my last article on “Safety in the Face of Betrayal”. I hope to address in future articles the issues brought up by those responses. However, before I move to this month’s subject, I’ll mention an element of safety concern presented by a male reader.

Bill Siere wrote about the importance of safety and the use of discernment in dating situations. “I was approached by women to do what seemed like small things, but could have led to compromising circumstances. For example, being invited into a woman’s home on the very first meeting.”

Bill found some women’s conversation patterns also concerning. “Even before we were well acquainted, they wanted to know what I thought of sexual issues, practices, etc.”

Here is a disturbing example provided by Bill. “One woman actually answered the door for our first date wrapped only in a towel. I swallowed her story of her being late and innocently stepped into the house to wait for her to dress. She did, but left the bedroom door ajar. I put myself into a position in her living room away from the door, where there would be no question about me being able to see something. I had the feeling that I should just leave, but I didn’t want to be rude. We went out to eat, but she didn’t want to do the other activities I planned. She wanted to go back to her house and ‘just talk.’ Her conversation kept going back to sex, and she justified her ‘openness’ as she was from California and ‘it is very open there.’

“She excused herself to put on something ‘more comfortable,’ and I made plans to make an excuse to leave if she came back dressed inappropriately. She came back wearing a sweatsuit, but wanted to cuddle in front of the fire as we watched a movie.” Bill went to plan B, made his excuses, and left.

Of course roles could be reversed in the above example. Keep in mind that men and women with pure intentions won’t deliberately put the opposite sex in a position of temptation, for their safety as well as for the safety of their guests. Use common sense and caution when planning where to meet and what to do as you open the door to dating possibilities. I’ll write more about this subject in a future article.

Oh, and don’t park your red-alert system with the car! As I mentioned in last month’s article, whether you call it a red-alert or danger-alert system or the still small voice, pay attention to personal warnings that indicate your situation is not safe — physically, emotionally, morally, or spiritually.

Now I want to expand on the element of grief and the power of support groups in recovering from betrayal. Accepting the loss of an intimate relationship, or what you thought to be a sweet friendship, or a promising business relationship is a process similar to grieving over a loved one’s death. As mentioned in Shattered, “Life is never the same… You can expect to feel on top of things one day and desperately overcome the next. It isn’t like the grieving process comes once and then is gone. It’s like a yo-yo. It comes back and smacks you in the face when you least expect it.” (Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery by Fay A. Klingler and Bettyanne Bruin, published by Mapletree Publishing Company.)

Shattered lists several tools for dealing with the grieving process. I will focus briefly on two of them — support groups and leaning on Heavenly Father.

As I speak to groups, I often mention how important it can be for individuals to feel safe talking to others — not in a vengeful way, but talking to flush the toxins of trauma out of their systems. I remember talking to anyone and everyone who would lend an ear. I was so overcome with grief and shock when my reality came into focus, I think I would have gone insane if I had not talked and talked and talked. I was blessed with family and friends who let me do that. I know they must have gotten tired of it, but allowing me to frequently repeat myself was the greatest gift they offered.

Talking things over with others helps you see your situation with more clarity. Often you come up with your own profound resolutions and solutions just by talking. If you’re asking for advice from others, however, whether it’s family and friends or bishops and therapists, remember their support and advice is based on the information they have at hand. If they have not had the opportunity to personally observe or be involved in your experiences, your input alone forms the basis for their support. Be truthful. Don’t try to get support or strengthen your point of view by distorting the picture you form with your words.

A Meridian reader, Patricia Baronowski, feels support is key for another reason. When meeting with a support group (formed by a therapist or by a community organization), “you meet others who have been in similar situations, and possibly still are,” wrote Patti. “You share stories and hear over and over again how abusers do not change and how your life is at stake as long as you remain in the situation. It is helpful because when you feel weak, you have experienced people there that have been in your shoes and can tell you what to look out for…They help you get ‘stronger’ mentally to try and avoid falling prey again.”

As you receive feedback from your supporters, remember you don’t always have to agree with them. Only you can determine what is right for you, regardless of the opinions of others.

As you begin to heal, you’ll notice less need to talk. Narrow your options. Instead of talking to all of your supporters, choose one or two individuals you trust to speak to when you feel the need to air feelings about the betrayal.

Certain events or holidays may act like triggers or specters as one Meridian reader wrote. The dictionary defines a specter as an object or source of terror or dread. “Most of the time,” said Tom, “I feel great and lean heavily on the spirit, which always brings me to a sense of ‘Christmas’ type joy. The world sparkles with hope and excitement. But once in a while, three to four times a month, something happens that splashes me back into the muck. More sincere prayer and deeper reflection is required to climb out (and usually a good meal and a good night’s sleep help, too).”

Heavenly Father is your most powerful and sure supporter. Lean on Him. Trust His promises. Do you know what that means, to trust and lean on Heavenly Father? It means you accept His will for you, and you trust that if you do your part, He will keep His promises. You seek His guidance and are willing to follow the promptings He sends to direct you. I love a phrase we have in Shattered, “The problems ahead of you are never as strong as the power behind you when you lean on the Lord,” or Heavenly Father. Leaning on Heavenly Father truly is at the core of your recovery, in every way.

Melissa, another Meridian reader, wrote, “I could never have made it through everything I went through without the knowledge that I am a daughter of my Heavenly Father and I have the gift of discernment. I am grateful for what these experiences taught me and the empathy I feel toward others in similar situations. I have intimately come to know the Savior and His atoning grace.”

Alma 36:3 — Whosoever shall put their trust in God shall be supported in their trials^•, and their troubles, and their afflictions, and shall be lifted^• up at the last day.

(Please note that italicized names of individuals in this article are names that have been changed to protect the contributors. I thank my Meridian readers for responding to this series of articles. I am grateful for how you have enriched my life and for what I have learned from you.)