Safety in the Face of Betrayal
By Fay A. Klingler

In September’s article on betrayal recovery provided a list of steps. Somewhere in the midst of Step 1 (Awareness), Step 2 (Acceptance), and Step 3 (Action) the issue of safety must be confronted. For some of you, this confrontation will be more acute than for others. But when you become aware and finally accept the reality of your betrayal, safety for you and your family must be considered. You are at greater risk for abuse when you confront your betrayer or attempt to leave.

Having the courage to meet your present situation and conditions, and knowing what values you are willing to defend, make your choices easier. No one deserves to be abused. Recognize the cycle of abuse in your relationship with the betrayer and your role in that cycle.

If your betrayer’s pattern of behavior is predictably violent, do not attempt to confront him or her without taking appropriate measures to ensure your safety. You don’t know what he or she is thinking. When you confront the betrayer or leave a relationship, you take away from the betrayer some of his or her power or control, which always increases the risk for abuse and violence. And remember that women are just as likely to become violent as men. So regardless of his or her behavioral patterns, think preventively and protect yourself.

If you have obtained a protective or restraining order, do not assume you are automatically safe. Far too many orders are violated, and the police cannot be there when that violation occurs — only after. It is important to understand that you are not the only one that might be in danger. All surrounding you — friends, family, co-workers — are at risk. So keep your brain in gear and play the survivor’s role instead of the victim’s. And be particularly cautious regarding the children. Just being a witness to physical or emotional abuse has a profound effect on children.

In her book, How to Spot a Dangerous Man, Sandra Brown warns against ignoring or turning off your built-in red-alert system. Whether you call it a red-alert or danger-alert system or the still small voice, pay attention to personal warnings that indicate your situation is not safe.

Martha, one of the characters in Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery, took precautions before confronting her abusive husband with divorce papers. “She was given the address of a government safe house, where she and the children could retreat at a moment’s notice. She was warned at all times to have clothing and personal items for herself and her children in the trunk of her car — enough to get them by for two or three days, in the event they had to leave in a hurry” (Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery, p. 63).

When Kami, another character from Shattered, was asked how she managed after separating from her husband, she replied, “I worked with the law, and I started seeing a therapist to gain self-confidence. I surrounded myself with friends and family — mentally strong people — sort of as a security blanket. I prayed every day for things to work out” (Shattered: Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery, p. 95).

Kami took other preventive steps as well. For example, because her former husband previously tried to take her children from their schools, she got copies of the order of protection to the schools and informed the children how to behave if he showed up. And she was careful not be alone in vulnerable locations, like the staircase where she lived.

Brandy Farmer, who was abused by her first husband and is now working in the Utah Attorney General’s office, Medicaid Fraud Control Unit, offers the following advice. “One can never be too careful after leaving an emotionally or physically abusive relationship. The thing to remember is that the abusive person wants power and control. First of all, break the silence by telling your relatives, friends, colleagues, and associates that you have left an abusive relationship and that your ultimate goal is for you and your loved ones to be safe. A safe plan can help you be prepared in case of an emergency when you have been boxed in by the abuser. You can find one at www.udvc.org.

“Change your locks, and change financial institutions where the two of you did business. Have your utilities changed to your name only. If you are in physical danger, get a protective order through your district court, and tell your neighbors to call 911 if the abuser parks in front of your home. The national domestic violence hotline is 800-799-SAFE. Do everything you can to lift your spirits and the way you think about yourself. You are a valuable person and you deserve to live a life without violence.”

The UDVC website link, mentioned by Brandy, takes you to the Utah Domestic Violence Council website. Enter the website and then hit “Resources.” You will find a listing of numerous resources, including printable publications. Toward the middle of that webpage is the link to the safety plan. Or you can paste in this address and go directly to the safety plan link — http://www.udvc.org/Safety%20Plan.pdf. Also on the resources page is a link titled Anti-Stalking — http://www.antistalking.com/. There you will find security precautions for stalking victims. Another excellent aid in creating your personal safety plan can be located on the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence website — http://www.ncadv.org/protectyourself/GettingHelp_128.html.

I asked "Mandy Smith," who was abused by her former husband and later stalked by a boyfriend, to give me her feelings regarding safety. As you can tell, it is a subject that is heavy on her mind.  Note that she is divorced and that her main concern at this point is safety regarding the stalker:

To stay safe, I don't dismiss anything. I take everything seriously. I am constantly aware of my surroundings. To keep myself safe, I had to speak out. Silence is dangerous. I could not expect anyone to know what was going on unless I told them. This was hard to do, because I am a very private person. However, it is absolutely necessary. It is not my shame, it is his, and I have done nothing to be ashamed about.

First, I informed my family. I did not want to scare my children, but they needed to know this was serious. I told them the abuser was not our friend, and I would NEVER contact him if I were in trouble. Under no circumstances were they to believe anything he said, and if they saw him, they were to get to a safe place and call 911. I called my children's school and gave them a physical description of the abuser, with instructions to call 911 if he showed up. Then I went to my bishop with a map of my neighborhood. I marked the streets and areas surrounding my house that the stalker would be likely to park and watch. Most people are under the impression a stalker will park in your direct pathway. This is not true. Stalkers mostly park on cross streets, not in the direct line of your home or work, but where they can see you coming or going. My bishop organized my neighborhood into areas with a leader in each one. At all different times of the day and night, I periodically had a priesthood leader driving by my home and checking the cross streets.

At work, I told all the other businesses in my building, “I have a stalker.” I gave them all a physical description of him and his car and asked them to please call the police if they saw anyone matching his description around my work or my car. Most people were very nice and concerned. Some were not. I was scolded by one person, and told I did not have the gift of discernment or I never would've gotten myself into this predicament. That was really hard. I had to tell my friends, especially the people we both knew, making sure they all understood they were not to give out personal information about me and my family to him or anyone he knew.

When I decided to go to the police, I made the choice to do things their way. I followed their instructions even when I was tempted to do things my way. If I did have an idea, I went to them first before acting upon it. Most of the time, my ideas were based on emotions and not in my best interest.

The first thing I did was send the stalker a letter, stating I no longer desired to have any contact with him whatsoever. I chose to do this through my attorney, but I could have done it myself. I sent it certified. I was concerned he would not sign for it, but learned it didn't matter. By not signing it, he was admitting he knew what it was and what he was doing was wrong. The purpose of the letter was so the police had a starting date for the cease and desist order. Under no circumstances whatsoever was I to contact him. That was imperative in building a case against my stalker. If I had contact with him, my case would not be taken seriously. I would have to start all over again with another cease and desist. It was important for me to understand he could not be reasoned with.

The police also called him and told him to stop all contact with me, as did my attorney. When he contacted me, I contacted the police. He was like a very ill-behaved child. For him, any attention was better than no attention at all. I was not going to reward his bad behavior.

He had borrowed some books, etc. and, unfortunately, conned me out of a lot of money. It took me a while to see that he was purposely stringing me along to keep me tied to him, using my property or money as bait. He kept saying he would give me a promissory note for the money, return my belongings, set up a payment schedule, and so forth, and he never did. He never intended to.

At this point, I do not talk to any of his family, friends, or his bishop. I do not have anything that belongs to him. The best and only thing to do is let it all go. This is the key to regaining control over my life and no longer being a victim. Nothing is worth losing my safety and having him in my life.

Going to the police for help is very important for my safety. I document everything. I keep everything he sends me and turn it over to the police. If I receive a call or a text message on my cell phone, I save it, then go to the police station and have them retrieve it. I keep a log with the date, time, and incident. I write down everything, regardless of how unrelated it appears to be. A pattern may soon develop that I would not have seen otherwise. I am building a case. A lot of little things add up to big things. I have notified each police department where I spend the majority of my time so they are aware of the threat against me. I talk to the Victim's Advocate on a regular basis. She listens, offers support, and provides me with good, practical skills to stay safe.

I take normal safety precautions. I park in a well lit area. I keep doors and windows locked, and I installed a security system. I deviate from my normal routine whenever possible. I take a different way home.  I change grocery stores and work schedules.

It is important to realize you will rarely see your stalker. Just because you can't see him does not mean he is not there. I don't leave my mail in the mailbox, and I don't put it out too early. A post office box or a locked mailbox is a great idea. I don't put my garbage out the night before. I wait until daylight the next morning. I shred everything with personal information, even my children's class schedules. If I can tell anything about myself by looking at that scrap of paper, I shred it. I changed my passwords on all my accounts. Changing phone numbers is a good idea also. I keep my journals and all the evidence about the stalking locked up. I take extra precautions on the days that are considered "anniversaries of the heart." Anniversaries of the heart are days that he would deem special between us, something a romantic couple would celebrate, like the first date, or the day he proposed.

The other thing I would like to mention is I keep to myself how I discovered he is a dangerous criminal. This is really important. He is a predator who hunts women. With each victim he hones and perfects his craft and learns from his mistakes. He doesn't know how I caught on to him, so he did not learn from me.

As far as staying safe when I was married to an abuser, I took any comment about him wanting or wishing me dead seriously. It is not a harmless fantasy. It is a serious threat. If he was making threats against me, I did my best to remain calm. I talked to him like I was soothing a child. I did not get in his face calling him on, daring him to carry out his threat. I was very aware of any sudden changes in his personality. If he was screaming and yelling one minute, then all of the sudden stopped and became very calm and rational, this was when he was at his most dangerous and I had to get away as soon as possible. I tried to confront him in front of my therapist.

In addition to those safety specifics offered above by Martha, Kami, Brandy, and Mandy, here are a few more I would like you to consider and act upon:

• Prayerfully listen to the guidance Heavenly Father provides. Do not allow fear to tune out the still small voice. Calm yourself and listen. Trust your judgment.
• Seek out support groups in your area, especially if your family or friends do not live close by. Ask for someone in your support group to be present if you are going to confront your betrayer or abuser to discuss a delicate issue, like possible separation.
• Inform someone at work of your situation. Include the security officers and provide them with a picture of your betrayer or abuser.
• Think of possible escape routes and practice how you and your children can get out safely.
• Choose a code word to use with family, friends, and neighbors when you need the police.
• Tell your children to never get involved during an argument between you and your abuser.
• If you think you may be monitored on your home computer, consider using a computer in a public library, at a friend’s home, or at an Internet café. Email is not a safe or confidential way to talk to someone about the danger or abuse in your life; call a domestic violence hotline instead.
• Call a domestic violence hotline or local shelter to find out the domestic violence services in your community. The National Domestic Violence hotline website is http://www.ndvh.org/.
• Remember that corded phones are more private than cell phones or cordless phones.

Now men, you may feel offended that all of my examples are from women. However, those were the individuals who responded to my request for information. Of course all of those precautions stand for men and for women. But if you have something more to add that is specific for men, please send it to me at fay@klingler.com.

Remember above all that the power of discernment is real, and it is promised to all who do their part and lean on their Heavenly Father. It is my hope that you will all be watchful for your safety in working with your relationships.