By Fay A. Klingler
It seems everyone experiences some tragedy
in life, some trial or test. After all, that’s what we’re
here for. And proving our character by the choices we make
in responding to those trials is what forms the basis of God’s
just rewards.
Being betrayed is part and parcel to many,
if not most, trials — betrayed by spouse, business partner,
friend, neighbor. How do you recover?
This is a heavy subject, and one that
has derailed many of life’s travelers. Yet the outcome for
some individuals is positive. Over time, they seem stronger,
more resilient, confident in themselves and in their relationship
with Heavenly Father. What makes the difference?
In preparing the draft for Shattered:
Six Steps from Betrayal to Recovery my co-author,
Bettyanne Bruin, and I encountered a number of victims who
were willing to tell their stories of healthy recovery. The
threads consistently woven through their stories were:
- A continued hope, faith, and reliance
on the power of God
- Coupled with the willingness to face
their realities,
- Pick themselves up, seeking solutions,
- And work with integrity to do their
part.
Here are six powerful steps to recover
from tragedy:
Step #1 — Awareness
One cannot change the circumstances surrounding
betrayal until one has recognized a betrayal has taken place.
This may sound like an obvious scenario, but in the case of
betrayal, the secrets surrounding this form of abuse are sometimes
difficult to see; betrayal is often a “silent crime.” Frequently
the victim does not know he or she has been victimized, whether
it is through an affair, leading a double life, and/or secrets
of financial indiscretions, until long after the victimization
has taken place. Awareness must be the first step to betrayal
recovery.
Step #2 — Acceptance
Grief is the result following any type
of loss, especially the loss of heartfelt expectations destroyed
by betrayal. It is a natural part of an emotionally healthy
recovery process. Shock, denial, anger, guilt, bargaining,
and sadness are companions to grief. When the process is followed
to its completion, acknowledgement and acceptance of one’s
reality can be comforting results. Finding ways to successfully
manage fear and positively channel anger brings about the
yearned-for, pain-free hope that is necessary and must be
the second step for a full recovery.
Step #3 — Action
Once betrayal is recognized and accepted,
action must take place, whether this action is choosing to
continue or end the relationship with the betrayer. One must
act, not just react, by setting reasonable limits, safely
confronting the issues, and taking the risk to make life better.
Step #4 — Authorization
Authorization, or permission to move forward
with one’s life, is a vital step in the recovery process.
One of the most common yet innocent characteristics of a victim
of betrayal is his or her “willingness to submit,” “to be
the nice guy,” or to give the betrayer “permission” to abuse.
Authorizing the victim to take control of his or her life
by establishing the proper support system and learning to
trust him- or herself is a vital step in breaking away from
the betrayer and healing the heartbreak associated with betrayal.
Step #5 — Accountability
In fairness, the victim must hold him-
or herself accountable for the part played in the betrayal,
and give proper ownership to the betrayer, as well, for his
or her part in the abuse. Taking the obsessive searchlight
off the other person and focusing on one’s self empowers change.
There is a time when one must quit being the victim governed
by fear, and make a plan for what is and is not acceptable
— never again compromising on those important issues. One
can visualize beyond the past and look with hope into the
possibilities of the future by forgiving the betrayer and
making one’s self a product of one’s decisions instead of
one’s conditions.
Step #6 — Advancement
An old Chinese proverb says, “Be not afraid
of growing slowly; be afraid only of standing still.” Advancement
may be considered the last strategy or step of recovery, but
it is also the first step in the rest of one’s life. Visualizing
life with a set of fresh goals and a belief in one’s self
creates confidence and courage. Healing occurs as one reaches
out to serve and help others in need. To advance forward one
accomplishes his or her goals one step at a time while maintaining
a proper balance in life.
Recently I spoke at a two-day writers’
workshop. The morning of the second day, a participant approached
me, telling me how much she appreciated my comments in one
of my sessions the previous day. I spoke about writing and
using an object to make an impression. The writing discussed
was the book Shattered. The object was a kaleidoscope.
I told my audience that when one experiences betrayal, he
or she feels shattered, like broken glass fragments harshly
thrown and scattered on a hard floor — never to be the same.
But as the pieces are gathered, and recovery and healing occur,
there is new beauty in the pattern and shape of the individual’s
life, much as the colorful, magnificent designs made in a
kaleidoscope.
The writer said she was inspired by the
poetic visual of the kaleidoscope. So much so, that she stayed
up during the night composing a poem. I was impressed with
her insight as she explained why she chose certain phrases.
She said, “Fear and anger are part of the grieving process,
and it is while going through the motions that we begin to
find scattered remnants [of ourselves]. ‘Butter the toast’
[signifies] taking care of own needs — physical, spiritual,
and emotional. ‘Take out the trash’ [represents] discarding
what is unuseful or unhealthy. ‘Turning, testing’ [is like]
rotating the kaleidoscope, but also going in new directions,
trying better ways of doing things, such as relating to others.”
