M E R I D I A N     M A G A Z I N E

More than Willpower:
How to Overcome a Destructive Habit
by Mark Chamberlain

Some bad habits are merely annoying; others have the power to destroy our lives. Fortunately, we can come to understand why we’re hooked and find our way to freedom. To those who believe they are “entrapped in a cycle of behavior from which there is no escape” President Boyd K. Packer said, “It is contrary to the order of heaven for any soul to be locked into compulsive, immoral behavior with no way out! It is consistent with the workings of the adversary to deceive you into believing that you are” (Boyd K. Packer, “Little Children,” Ensign, Nov. 1986, 18).

Most people struggling to overcome a destructive habit are already exerting sufficient effort, they simply need to adjust the way they approach the problem in key ways. As I talk with people who’ve overcome destructive habits, none has ever said, “I still fight the same battle every day, it’s just that now I’m winning.” Instead they say, “It’s hardly a struggle at all anymore.” How can we move beyond a destructive habit so that it no longer consumes our time and energy? What principles and tools we can apply to establish and maintain lasting freedom? In my work with clients who’ve been struggling, I’ve found the following fifteen suggestions helpful:

1. Control Yourself Gently Instead of Harshly

Many people respond to a relapse by berating themselves. Usually, however, it doesn’t help. If harshness incites rebellion from other people, is it any wonder it fails when we use it on ourselves? Since self-control is a form of persuasion, it’s helpful to consider the principles that govern effective influence. In the 121^st section of the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord warns us that no power or influence can or ought to be maintained through the exercise of control, dominion, or compulsion. He encourages us instead to resort to persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness, love unfeigned, kindness, tenderness, and respect (vv. 37, 41, 42). Loving encouragement invites cooperation instead of resistance. So coach yourself differently—in a patient, loving, steady way. Repeat daily positive affirmations that are positive and self-respectful. Over time, your mind will learn to generate these positive statements on its own, in the place of the derogatory, indicting thoughts it may be in the habit of repeating.

2. Dismiss Typical Temptations Instead of Fighting Them

When I was called to serve as a bishop my stake president said, “Sometimes thoughts will come into your mind that will make you shake your head and think, ‘So you’re the bishop.’” Then he smiled and confided, “I know that’ll happen occasionally because sometimes thoughts come into my mind that make me shake my head and think, ‘So you’re the stake president!’” I found this guidance very reassuring and helpful. It’s not an excuse to indulge tempting thoughts, just a way to move on instead of getting too caught up in either entertaining them or battling them.

Sometimes, we get caught up in an unnecessary struggle because we give typical temptations more meaning, power, and attention than they deserve. We think, “Oh no, not these feelings again! Does this mean I’m a terrible person? That I’m hopelessly addicted? That I’m on the verge of acting on these thoughts?” The apostle Paul reassured the saints in Corinth that “There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man (1 Corinthians 10:13). We don’t have to “deal with” every common urge and craving. We can turn away both from what appeals to us and from a fight to avoid what appeals to us. Without much fanfare, we can simply turn back to real life and get on with it. We can acknowledge the pull and then move right on—even if it’s only to some mundane aspect of life. “Wow, that’s appealing . . . now I’d better remember to put gas in the car.”

Some people find it helpful to take a deep breath and turn their attention to something concrete like a sight, sound or touch. Doing this three or four times in a row can help the mind free itself. For instance: Breathe deeply then notice: “There’s a poplar tree way down the street.” Breathe and notice: “There’s the sound of a car.” Breathe and notice: “There’s the hard sidewalk beneath my feet.” As simple as this technique sounds, it can help us broaden our awareness and see our options.

3. Learn from Unusually Persistent Temptations

Unusually intense or persistent temptations aren’t easily dismissed. We still don’t want to entertain them or spend a lot of time battling them. Instead, we can treat the urge like a warning light on the dashboard of our lives: we don’t dwell on the light, but we take it seriously—as an indicator that something needs to be addressed. President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “Jesus saw sin as wrong but was also able to see sin as springing from deep unmet needs on the part of the sinner.” He then counseled that if we hope to change our own habits or help someone else change theirs, we must “look deeply enough . . . to see the basic causes for . . . failures and short-comings” (Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, p. 481). Identify what you were thinking, feeling, doing, or what was happening to you right before you were tempted. Then, if you can, trace the pattern back one more step: what led up to the thing that led up to temptation? Such exploration will help clarify the life patterns in which your destructive habit is embedded. As we learn about these patterns, we’ll be able to do things differently in the future.

4. Focus on What You Want, Not What You Want to Avoid

It’s difficult for our minds to negate images and thoughts; we must first conjure up the unwanted thing and then try to somehow cancel it out or avoid it mentally. Unfortunately, not every part of the nervous system cooperates. Certain brain mechanisms, when activated, respond to the unwanted thought or image as just another goal, and well-practiced autopilot programs for reaching it are initiated. The faculties required to act on those thoughts and images are aroused and momentum in that direction can build very quickly.

While destructive goals come to mind on their own, constructive goals must be cultivated. Paul admonished the Romans to “Abhor that which is evil.” However, he immediately specified as a priority, “cleave to that which is good.” He then offered some advice on how to do that: “Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” (Romans 12:9, 21.) Good is the weapon we can use to overcome evil. As such, good itself, and not evil, should receive most of our attention and effort. Fortunately, there’s an almost infinite range of positive focal points our minds can lock onto. To take hold of any one of them; we must release our grip on whatever tempts us. Use your imagination and creativity when you are feeling resourceful to generate a list of uplifting things you feel some passion for and want to fill your life with. Sign up for an adult education class. Ask friends for book and movie recommendations. Watch the community calendar for events. Try out new hobbies or revisit old ones. Persist and over time you will have built a broad repertoire of activities you find engaging.

5. Treat Progress as a Process, Not an All-or-Nothing Proposition

Many of us who struggle with destructive habits vacillate between thinking we’re “over it completely” when things are going well and “back at square one” when we falter in any way. The truth is usually grayer than either of these: we are still in the process of change and probably will be for quite a while. Things typically go better when we learn to adopt a “steady as she goes” mentality instead of the “full steam ahead” mode we can’t keep up over time. We still experience the ups and downs, but we’re oscillating in a moderate way instead of jolting between Herculean efforts and total deflation. The Spirit can foster enthusiasm; however, as the apostle Paul reminded the Galatians, one of the fruits of the Spirit is temperance (See Galatians 5:22-23). Only when we stop obsessing about the big question of whether we’ve conquered the problem for good can we turn our attention to the less dramatic but crucial little questions such as “What can I learn here?” when we’re struggling and “What little things do I still need to work on?” when we’re succeeding.

6. Work Toward a “Slow Cure” Instead of a “Quick Fix”

Our conscious intentions and choices can be compared to streams that run into a reservoir. By choosing to think certain thoughts, act in certain ways, or expose ourselves to certain material, we have conscious control over the content that flows in. Our habitual routines, on the other hand, are what flow out of the reservoir. Once we’ve repeatedly allowed certain content in, we can’t choose to receive something different out the other end. We don’t directly choose our habits; we choose our thoughts and actions, which amass into habits over time. In the process of changing our lives, we must accept that good habits will accrue just as destructive ones did: by being repeated again and again over an extended period of time. Many of our failures come because we try to progress too quickly. We forget King Benjamin’s counsel that “it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he has strength. . . . All things must be done in order” (Mosiah 4:27). Even though it takes time, abstaining from a destructive habit becomes easier as we persist in our efforts. The Lord has promised, “All things must come to pass in their time. Wherefore, be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is great” (D&C 64:32-33).

7. Work to Avoid the Precursors, Not Just the Final Act

Temptation doesn’t usually hit from “out of the blue,” it’s just that we’re blind to the precursors. Fortunately, we can learn what factors lower our resistance and practice turning ourselves around further and further upstream from destructive behavior. King Benjamin advised us to “watch yourselves, and your thoughts, and your words, and your deeds” or else “ye must perish” (Mosiah 4:29-30). Keep a log of observations and over time you’ll identify the habits and patterns that put you at risk. Then, instead of fighting the current right at the cusp of the waterfall, you’ll be working to avoid resentment, escapism, overworking, pride or the other precursors that are like the “rapids above the falls.”

I’ve learned that if I want to avoid the pull of obviously destructive temptations, I don’t have the luxury of sinning in other ways that are more easily justified. I can’t afford to ruminate critically about a family member or gossip about an acquaintance. I can’t harbor resentment over a perceived slight or recite in my mind the ways other people have treated me unfairly. I can’t dwell greedily on money and the things it might buy. I can’t treat other people as though their time is less valuable than mine. We might want to believe that we can “get away” with slouching when it comes to “little things” like these, but the way we do anything soon becomes the way we do everything.

8. Find Balance Before it Finds You

Ironically, many people with destructive habits have tried to fill their lives too full of good things. Elder Dallin H. has taught that “weakness is not our only vulnerability. Satan can also attack us where we think we are strong—in the very areas where we are proud of our strengths.” He will tempt us to disregard the need for balance and breadth in our lives and to instead fixate on our pet pursuits. Our lives become lopsided, like a ship listing to one side because it’s carrying only one kind of cargo, and all of it had been loaded onto one edge of the deck.

Destructive habits are never our best option; however, sometimes they seem better than the other options we permit ourselves to consider. People who take on too much stress and tension in their lives are vulnerable to habits that provide a sense of release and relief. Those burdened by a sense of duty and responsibility may be enticed by behaviors that deliver feelings of freedom or playfulness. Professionals whose work is highly intellectual can find themselves compelled by habits that engage them physically. Consider how your life may be out of balance. Once you identify your need for balance, you can steal your destructive habit’s thunder. Brainstorm about sensible, prudent ways you can restore balance earlier and more often. Once you put these into practice in your everyday life, you won’t be as dependent on your destructive habit because it will no longer be the “only game in town.”

9. Stay Engaged with Life Instead of “Checking Out”

Instead of staying engaged with real life, we have the capacity to mentally “leave” our actual experience and think about an infinite range of other things. While exercising our imagination can improve our lives, it also leaves us vulnerable to a hazard: we can rely on fantasy for a phony sense of vitality. How ironic: we experience a sense of being fully awake and alive as a result of mentally leaving real life. The problem is, the primary means we have of improving life is by staying engaged and responsive to reality. Such fidelity is impossible when we’re “zoned out” in a trance. “Checking out” is a cheap, quick way to gratification whereas staying with real life demands discipline and sacrifice.

Albert Camus said, “If there is a sin against life, it consists perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.” That’s exactly what happens when we spend too much time checking out: as we fantasize about a different life, our eyes grow ever dimmer to the splendor of the life God has blessed us with. Wherever our home is, whomever we have married, whatever our career, we are living a life that can be magnificent, if we will wake up to its potential by remaining engaged. The payoff comes over time: when we stay fully-engaged and life, in return, responds to us, we experience a vitality that can’t be counterfeited.

10. Direct Your Own Life Instead of Allowing Yourself to be Controlled

Deep down, we all yearn to direct our own lives and express our uniqueness. President David O. McKay said that “next to the bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s greatest gift to man” (Gospel Ideals, 1993, p. 299). Destructive habits sometimes provide a phony sense of independence. The alcoholic thinks, “No one’s going to tell me how to live my life. If I feel like having a drink or two then I’m going to have a drink or two!” Ironically, actions that feel freeing in the moment permit our seemingly liberating urges to tighten their compulsive hold on us. In order to give up the counterfeit, we must find more genuine ways of directing our own lives.

Instead of living in a reactive way, responding primarily to forces beyond our own will, we can be more respectful of and responsive to our own opinions, preferences and choices. We can build a repertoire of adaptive ways of asserting our independence. Commit now to living a life that is more wholly your own. Dig deeper and look within to discover your reasons for doing things and motivations for life. Pay attention to the language you use with yourself. When you catch yourself thinking, “I can’t” or “I have to,” switch to the language of liberation: “I’m free to” or “I choose.” Sometimes you might decide to do something differently when you give yourself options. However, you may do exactly what you were going to do, but feel free and energetic—instead of resentful and dispirited—in the process. This is the genuine article, the energy and sense of expansiveness you’ve been trying to bootleg by going to your bad habit.

11. Give Up Trying to Control the Things You Can’t Control

We know what we want, and we live as though life will grant us our dreams and spare us our nightmares if we’re willing to work hard enough to “make it happen.” Often, however, our exertion and straining fail to deliver the happiness and fulfillment we expect. It may be that we’re burning ourselves out trying to control things we can’t control. We like the sentiments expressed in the Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” However, most of us actually live more by what I call the Insanity Prayer: “God grant me the ability to change the unchangeable, the strength to avoid the inevitable, and the wisdom to make other people’s decisions for them.”

Ironically, when we try to force our agenda we close the valve on whatever might have flowed spontaneously if we had exercised more patience, tenderness, and courage. When we “exercise control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when it is withdrawn,” we lose whatever power or influence we might have otherwise had (D&C 121:37). On the other hand, when we resort to gentleness, meekness and kindness we are promised that instead of shrinking over time, power and influence “shall distil upon thy soul as the dews from heaven. . . . and thy dominion shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means it shall flow unto thee forever and ever (D&C 121:45-46). Boosting our confidence even further, the Lord even likened efforts to obstruct the knowledge, power, and blessings He sends us to a man “put[ting] forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river in its decreed course, or to turn it up stream” (v. 33).

12. Rely on God Instead of Trying to Do It on Your Own

Many people, after repeatedly trying and failing, have come to the conclusion that they can’t overcome a destructive habit on their own. Fortunately, we are not left to our own capacity; help is available from our Creator and Redeemer/the most powerful being in the universe. The first three of the Twelve Steps of Alcoholics Anonymous can also be applied to any other destructive habit. They are: We (1) admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that our lives had become unmanageable, (2) came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, and (3) made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood him.

The faith that will save us is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ (Articles of Faith 1:4), not confidence in our own righteousness. Instead of focusing on our performance, we can instead rely “wholly upon the merits of him who is mighty to save” (2 Nephi 31:19). Based on times when my faith has faltered, I have a guess about what ran through Peter’s mind right before he sank into the Sea of Galilee after walking on water: “I hope I can keep this up.” We are like the armies we read about in the Book of Mormon: when they relied on thier own strength, they were left to their own strength (See Helaman 4:13; Mormon 2:26). As long as we try to muster the muscle to control ourselves we will struggle, because such power does not come from within but is a gift from above. President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “You do change human nature, your own human nature, if you surrender it to Christ. Human nature has been changed in the past. . . . And only Christ can change it” (“Born of God,” Ensign, July 1989, 4).

13. Share Your Struggle with Others and Accept Their Help

Social support is a powerful force. Research has shown that we’re more likely to meet goals we tell other people about than those we keep to ourselves. A tremendous sense of relief comes when we open up to someone—or a few people—about a formerly silent struggle. Some mark the day they confided in a friend, sought help from an ecclesiastical leader, or finally went to a support group as the point at which real progress began. “I’ve always known I wasn’t alone in this struggle,” said one, “but it was an entirely different thing to actually sit in the room with others and talk openly about this emotionally charged part of our lives. We were all in the same boat and each of us drew strength from the connection. It didn’t have to be this taboo struggle that I kept pent up inside anymore.” Communication and collaboration can be so vital to the process of becoming free that my colleague Dan Gray claims that “secrecy is the life blood of addiction.”

Some people reason that, rather than working with others, they can receive all of the help they need from the Lord himself. While I admire their faith, President Spencer W. Kimball has taught: “God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually through another mortal that he meets our needs” (The Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, 1982, 252). By working together, we are able to draw upon the powers of heaven in a unique way. The Savior Himself promised, “Verily, verily, I say unto you, as I said unto my disciples, where two or three are gathered together in my name, as touching one thing, behold, there will I be in the midst of them—even so am I in the midst of you” (D&C 6:32).

Perhaps we resist reaching out not so much because we depend on the Lord, but because we want to control other people’s opinions of us and hope to continue to “cover our sins” (D&C 121:37). Of course, we must exercise restraint and discretion as we consider who should know about our struggles (“The Atonement, Repentance, and Dirty Linen,” Lynn A. Mickelsen, Ensign, Nov. 2003, 10-13). Perhaps only a select few need to know. Furthermore, even when we approach the process of disclosure thoughtfully, there’s no guarantee things will turn out well. Nonetheless, it is important to recognize those times when honesty is essential. When we continue to keep a secret, particularly from a spouse, we are buying into the destructive myth that “damage control” is a reasonable alternative to behavioral control.

14. Face the Feelings Your Destructive Habit Has Been Helping You Avoid

When we experience emotional pain—or even mild discomfort—our minds root around for something to quickly soothe or distract. “Bored? Flip on the radio! Embarrassed? Explain yourself! Feeling unproductive? Go check your email! Left out of a conversation? Tell yourself you don’t care! Feeling uneasy? Go watch some TV!” Our Savior doesn’t always offer us a way out of pain, but his hand is extended to us as we go through discomfort. Our emotions can be intimidating, but when we allow ourselves to experience them we discover, sometimes to our amazement, that they don’t kill us. As we receive strength from the Lord instead, we become less dependent on our destructive habits. We become acquainted with God in our extremities and are strengthened by the process. We will be less dependent on a fire escape and more able to tolerate the heat. Then our lives can once again be directed by choice instead of by compulsion.

15.  Appreciate the Advantages of Having Faced Such a Difficult Struggle

Athletes who’ve trained at high altitude and then return to sea level to compete find that they have more stamina. Something similar happens to people who develop the strength to overcome a deeply ingrained destructive habit. They end up being able to apply in almost every other area of life the skills and tools and muscles they developed climbing out of their least favorite hole. They couldn’t completely overcome their habit until they learned to exercise more patience, love, gentleness, and persistence than ever before. They couldn’t succeed until they’d risked reaching out to and depending on others in ways they never had before. And they can’t keep avoiding their destructive behavior by living anything less than a balanced life.

Those of us who are “easily beset” by certain sins might prefer a magic bullet, a single key that could free us once and for all from our addictive pull. Instead, in order to succeed in such struggles we must bring our entire lives into alignment with the principles and powers of heaven. Perhaps this is one reason God doesn’t take away our “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians 12:7) in one grand transformation. While the journey of change can be arduous and at times very frustrating, it can be through this very process that our lives progress toward becoming sanctified. Many consider the process worth the price; when they consider the overall quality of their new lives, they wouldn’t trade the pain they’ve been through if it meant giving up what they’ve gained.

I wish you success as you apply these principles in your efforts to make important changes in your life. I’m confident that the payoff will be worth your hard work.

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Copyright 2004, Mark D. Chamberlain. This article may be copied and distributed, providing that the following author contact information is included: Mark Chamberlain, Ph.D. is a Salt Lake area psychologist, lecturer, and author. For ideas on applying the principles discussed in this article and a schedule of upcoming presentations on this topic go to www.turningpointi.com.

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