by
Mark Chamberlain
Some bad habits are merely annoying; others have the power
to destroy our lives. Fortunately, we can come to understand why
we’re hooked and find our way to freedom. To those who believe
they are “entrapped in a cycle of behavior from which there is
no escape” President Boyd K. Packer said, “It is contrary to the
order of heaven for any soul to be locked into compulsive, immoral
behavior with no way out! It is consistent with the workings of
the adversary to deceive you into believing that you are” (Boyd
K. Packer, “Little Children,” Ensign, Nov. 1986, 18).
Most people struggling to overcome a destructive habit are
already exerting sufficient effort, they simply need to adjust
the way they approach the problem in key ways. As I talk with
people who’ve overcome destructive habits, none has ever said,
“I still fight the same battle every day, it’s just that now I’m
winning.” Instead they say, “It’s hardly a struggle at all anymore.”
How can we move beyond a destructive habit so that it no longer
consumes our time and energy? What principles and tools we can
apply to establish and maintain lasting freedom? In my work with
clients who’ve been struggling, I’ve found the following fifteen
suggestions helpful:
1.
Control Yourself Gently Instead of Harshly
Many people respond to a relapse by berating themselves. Usually,
however, it doesn’t help. If harshness incites rebellion from
other people, is it any wonder it fails when we use it on ourselves?
Since self-control is a form of persuasion, it’s helpful to consider
the principles that govern effective influence. In the 121st
section of the Doctrine and Covenants, the Lord warns us that
no power or influence can or ought to be maintained through the
exercise of control, dominion, or compulsion. He encourages us
instead to resort to persuasion, long-suffering, gentleness, meekness,
love unfeigned, kindness, tenderness, and respect (vv. 37, 41,
42). Loving encouragement invites cooperation instead of resistance.
So coach yourself differently—in a patient, loving, steady way.
Repeat daily positive affirmations that are positive and self-respectful.
Over time, your mind will learn to generate these positive statements
on its own, in the place of the derogatory, indicting thoughts
it may be in the habit of repeating.
2.
Dismiss Typical Temptations Instead of Fighting Them
When I was called to serve as a bishop my stake president said,
“Sometimes thoughts will come into your mind that will make you
shake your head and think, ‘So you’re the bishop.’” Then
he smiled and confided, “I know that’ll happen occasionally because
sometimes thoughts come into my mind that make me shake my head
and think, ‘So you’re the stake president!’” I found this
guidance very reassuring and helpful. It’s not an excuse to indulge
tempting thoughts, just a way to move on instead of getting too
caught up in either entertaining them or battling
them.
Sometimes, we get caught up in an unnecessary struggle because
we give typical temptations more meaning, power, and attention
than they deserve. We think, “Oh no, not these feelings again!
Does this mean I’m a terrible person? That I’m hopelessly addicted?
That I’m on the verge of acting on these thoughts?” The apostle
Paul reassured the saints in Corinth that “There hath no temptation
taken you but such as is common to man (1 Corinthians 10:13).
We don’t have to “deal with” every common urge and craving. We
can turn away both from what appeals to us and from a fight
to avoid what appeals to us. Without much fanfare, we can simply
turn back to real life and get on with it. We can acknowledge
the pull and then move right on—even if it’s only to some mundane
aspect of life. “Wow, that’s appealing . . . now I’d better remember
to put gas in the car.”
Some people find it helpful to take a deep breath and turn
their attention to something concrete like a sight, sound or touch.
Doing this three or four times in a row can help the mind free
itself. For instance: Breathe deeply then notice: “There’s a poplar
tree way down the street.” Breathe and notice: “There’s the sound
of a car.” Breathe and notice: “There’s the hard sidewalk beneath
my feet.” As simple as this technique sounds, it can help us broaden
our awareness and see our options.
3.
Learn from Unusually Persistent Temptations
Unusually intense or persistent temptations aren’t easily
dismissed. We still don’t want to entertain them or spend a lot
of time battling them. Instead, we can treat the urge like a warning
light on the dashboard of our lives: we don’t dwell on the light,
but we take it seriously—as an indicator that something needs
to be addressed. President Spencer W. Kimball taught: “Jesus saw
sin as wrong but was also able to see sin as springing from deep
unmet needs on the part of the sinner.” He then counseled that
if we hope to change our own habits or help someone else change
theirs, we must “look deeply enough . . . to see the basic causes
for . . . failures and short-comings” (Teachings of Spencer W.
Kimball, p. 481). Identify what you were thinking, feeling, doing,
or what was happening to you right before you were tempted. Then,
if you can, trace the pattern back one more step: what led up
to the thing that led up to temptation? Such exploration will
help clarify the life patterns in which your destructive habit
is embedded. As we learn about these patterns, we’ll be able to
do things differently in the future.
4.
Focus on What You Want, Not What You Want to Avoid
It’s
difficult for our minds to negate images and thoughts; we must
first conjure up the unwanted thing and then try to somehow cancel
it out or avoid it mentally. Unfortunately, not every part of
the nervous system cooperates. Certain brain mechanisms, when
activated, respond to the unwanted thought or image as just another
goal, and well-practiced autopilot programs for reaching it are
initiated. The faculties required to act on those thoughts and
images are aroused and momentum in that direction can build very
quickly.
While
destructive goals come to mind on their own, constructive goals
must be cultivated. Paul admonished the Romans to “Abhor that
which is evil.” However, he immediately specified as a priority,
“cleave to that which is good.” He then offered some advice on
how to do that: “Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with
good.” (Romans 12:9, 21.) Good is the weapon we can use to overcome
evil. As such, good itself, and not evil, should receive most
of our attention and effort. Fortunately, there’s an almost infinite
range of positive focal points our minds can lock onto. To take
hold of any one of them; we must release our grip on whatever
tempts us. Use your imagination and creativity when you are feeling
resourceful to generate a list of uplifting things you feel some
passion for and want to fill your life with. Sign up for an adult
education class. Ask friends for book and movie recommendations.
Watch the community calendar for events. Try out new hobbies or
revisit old ones. Persist and over time you will have built a
broad repertoire of activities you find engaging.
5.
Treat Progress as a Process, Not an All-or-Nothing Proposition
Many of us who struggle with destructive habits vacillate between
thinking we’re “over it completely” when things are going well
and “back at square one” when we falter in any way. The truth
is usually grayer than either of these: we are still in the process
of change and probably will be for quite a while. Things typically
go better when we learn to adopt a “steady as she goes” mentality
instead of the “full steam ahead” mode we can’t keep up over time.
We still experience the ups and downs, but we’re oscillating in
a moderate way instead of jolting between Herculean efforts and
total deflation. The Spirit can foster enthusiasm; however, as
the apostle Paul reminded the Galatians, one of the fruits of
the Spirit is temperance (See Galatians 5:22-23). Only when we
stop obsessing about the big question of whether we’ve conquered
the problem for good can we turn our attention to the less dramatic
but crucial little questions such as “What can I learn here?”
when we’re struggling and “What little things do I still need
to work on?” when we’re succeeding.
6.
Work Toward a “Slow Cure” Instead of a “Quick Fix”
Our conscious intentions and choices can be compared to streams
that run into a reservoir. By choosing to think certain thoughts,
act in certain ways, or expose ourselves to certain material,
we have conscious control over the content that flows in. Our
habitual routines, on the other hand, are what flow out of the
reservoir. Once we’ve repeatedly allowed certain content in, we
can’t choose to receive something different out the other end.
We don’t directly choose our habits; we choose our thoughts and
actions, which amass into habits over time. In the process of
changing our lives, we must accept that good habits will accrue
just as destructive ones did: by being repeated again and again
over an extended period of time. Many of our failures come because
we try to progress too quickly. We forget King Benjamin’s counsel
that “it is not requisite that a man should run faster than he
has strength. . . . All things must be done in order” (Mosiah
4:27). Even though it takes time, abstaining from a destructive
habit becomes easier as we persist in our efforts. The Lord has
promised, “All things must come to pass in their time. Wherefore,
be not weary in well-doing, for ye are laying the foundation of
a great work. And out of small things proceedeth that which is
great” (D&C 64:32-33).
7.
Work to Avoid the Precursors, Not Just the Final Act
Temptation doesn’t usually hit from “out of the blue,” it’s
just that we’re blind to the precursors. Fortunately, we can learn
what factors lower our resistance and practice turning ourselves
around further and further upstream from destructive behavior.
King Benjamin advised us to “watch yourselves, and your thoughts,
and your words, and your deeds” or else “ye must perish” (Mosiah
4:29-30). Keep a log of observations and over time you’ll identify
the habits and patterns that put you at risk. Then, instead of
fighting the current right at the cusp of the waterfall, you’ll
be working to avoid resentment, escapism, overworking, pride or
the other precursors that are like the “rapids above the falls.”
I’ve learned that if I want to avoid the pull of obviously
destructive temptations, I don’t have the luxury of sinning in
other ways that are more easily justified. I can’t afford to ruminate
critically about a family member or gossip about an acquaintance.
I can’t harbor resentment over a perceived slight or recite in
my mind the ways other people have treated me unfairly. I can’t
dwell greedily on money and the things it might buy. I can’t treat
other people as though their time is less valuable than mine.
We might want to believe that we can “get away” with slouching
when it comes to “little things” like these, but the way we do
anything soon becomes the way we do everything.
8.
Find Balance Before it Finds You
Ironically, many people with destructive habits have tried
to fill their lives too full of good things. Elder Dallin H. has
taught that “weakness is not our only vulnerability. Satan can
also attack us where we think we are strong—in the very areas
where we are proud of our strengths.” He will tempt us to disregard
the need for balance and breadth in our lives and to instead fixate
on our pet pursuits. Our lives become lopsided, like a ship listing
to one side because it’s carrying only one kind of cargo, and
all of it had been loaded onto one edge of the deck.
Destructive habits are never our best option; however, sometimes
they seem better than the other options we permit ourselves to
consider. People who take on too much stress and tension in their
lives are vulnerable to habits that provide a sense of release
and relief. Those burdened by a sense of duty and responsibility
may be enticed by behaviors that deliver feelings of freedom or
playfulness. Professionals whose work is highly intellectual can
find themselves compelled by habits that engage them physically.
Consider how your life may be out of balance. Once you identify
your need for balance, you can steal your destructive habit’s
thunder. Brainstorm about sensible, prudent ways you can restore
balance earlier and more often. Once you put these into practice
in your everyday life, you won’t be as dependent on your destructive
habit because it will no longer be the “only game in town.”
9.
Stay Engaged with Life Instead of “Checking Out”
Instead of staying engaged with real life, we have the capacity
to mentally “leave” our actual experience and think about an infinite
range of other things. While exercising our imagination can improve
our lives, it also leaves us vulnerable to a hazard: we can rely
on fantasy for a phony sense of vitality. How ironic: we experience
a sense of being fully awake and alive as a result of mentally
leaving real life. The problem is, the primary means we have of
improving life is by staying engaged and responsive to reality.
Such fidelity is impossible when we’re “zoned out” in a trance.
“Checking out” is a cheap, quick way to gratification whereas
staying with real life demands discipline and sacrifice.
Albert Camus said, “If there is a sin against life, it consists
perhaps not so much in despairing of life as in hoping for another
life and in eluding the implacable grandeur of this life.” That’s
exactly what happens when we spend too much time checking out:
as we fantasize about a different life, our eyes grow ever dimmer
to the splendor of the life God has blessed us with. Wherever
our home is, whomever we have married, whatever our career, we
are living a life that can be magnificent, if we will wake up
to its potential by remaining engaged. The payoff comes over time:
when we stay fully-engaged and life, in return, responds to us,
we experience a vitality that can’t be counterfeited.
10.
Direct Your Own Life Instead of Allowing Yourself to be Controlled
Deep down, we all yearn to direct our own lives and express
our uniqueness. President David O. McKay said that “next to the
bestowal of life itself, the right to direct that life is God’s
greatest gift to man” (Gospel Ideals, 1993, p. 299). Destructive
habits sometimes provide a phony sense of independence. The alcoholic
thinks, “No one’s going to tell me how to live my life. If I feel
like having a drink or two then I’m going to have a drink or two!”
Ironically, actions that feel freeing in the moment permit our
seemingly liberating urges to tighten their compulsive hold on
us. In order to give up the counterfeit, we must find more genuine
ways of directing our own lives.
Instead of living in a reactive way, responding primarily to
forces beyond our own will, we can be more respectful of and responsive
to our own opinions, preferences and choices. We can build a repertoire
of adaptive ways of asserting our independence. Commit now to
living a life that is more wholly your own. Dig deeper and look
within to discover your reasons for doing things and motivations
for life. Pay attention to the language you use with yourself.
When you catch yourself thinking, “I can’t” or “I have to,” switch
to the language of liberation: “I’m free to” or “I choose.” Sometimes
you might decide to do something differently when you give yourself
options. However, you may do exactly what you were going to do,
but feel free and energetic—instead of resentful and dispirited—in
the process. This is the genuine article, the energy and sense
of expansiveness you’ve been trying to bootleg by going to your
bad habit.
11.
Give Up Trying to Control the Things You Can’t Control
We know what we want, and we live as though life will grant
us our dreams and spare us our nightmares if we’re willing to
work hard enough to “make it happen.” Often, however, our exertion
and straining fail to deliver the happiness and fulfillment we
expect. It may be that we’re burning ourselves out trying to control
things we can’t control. We like the sentiments expressed in the
Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things
I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the
wisdom to know the difference.” However, most of us actually live
more by what I call the Insanity Prayer: “God grant me the ability
to change the unchangeable, the strength to avoid the inevitable,
and the wisdom to make other people’s decisions for them.”
Ironically, when we try to force our agenda we close
the valve on whatever might have flowed spontaneously if we had
exercised more patience, tenderness, and courage. When we “exercise
control or dominion or compulsion upon the souls of the children
of men, in any degree of unrighteousness, behold, the heavens
withdraw themselves; the Spirit of the Lord is grieved; and when
it is withdrawn,” we lose whatever power or influence we might
have otherwise had (D&C 121:37). On the other hand, when we
resort to gentleness, meekness and kindness we are promised that
instead of shrinking over time, power and influence “shall distil
upon thy soul as the dews from heaven. . . . and thy dominion
shall be an everlasting dominion, and without compulsory means
it shall flow unto thee forever and ever (D&C 121:45-46).
Boosting our confidence even further, the Lord even likened efforts
to obstruct the knowledge, power, and blessings He sends us to
a man “put[ting] forth his puny arm to stop the Missouri river
in its decreed course, or to turn it up stream” (v. 33).
12.
Rely on God Instead of Trying to Do It on Your Own
Many people, after repeatedly trying and failing, have
come to the conclusion that they can’t overcome a destructive
habit on their own. Fortunately, we are not left to our own capacity;
help is available from our Creator and Redeemer/the most powerful
being in the universe. The first three of the Twelve Steps of
Alcoholics Anonymous can also be applied to any other destructive
habit. They are: We (1) admitted we were powerless over alcohol—that
our lives had become unmanageable, (2) came to believe that a
Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity, and (3)
made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care
of God as we understood him.
The faith that will save us is faith in the Lord Jesus Christ
(Articles of Faith 1:4), not confidence in our own righteousness.
Instead of focusing on our performance, we can instead rely “wholly
upon the merits of him who is mighty to save” (2 Nephi 31:19).
Based on times when my faith has faltered, I have a guess about
what ran through Peter’s mind right before he sank into the Sea
of Galilee after walking on water: “I hope I can keep this up.”
We are like the armies we read about in the Book of Mormon: when
they relied on thier own strength, they were left to their own
strength (See Helaman 4:13; Mormon 2:26). As long as we try to
muster the muscle to control ourselves we will struggle, because
such power does not come from within but is a gift from above.
President Ezra Taft Benson taught, “You do change human nature,
your own human nature, if you surrender it to Christ. Human nature
has been changed in the past. . . . And only Christ can change
it” (“Born of God,” Ensign, July 1989, 4).
13.
Share Your Struggle with Others and Accept Their Help
Social support is a powerful force. Research has shown that
we’re more likely to meet goals we tell other people about than
those we keep to ourselves. A tremendous sense of relief comes
when we open up to someone—or a few people—about a formerly silent
struggle. Some mark the day they confided in a friend, sought
help from an ecclesiastical leader, or finally went to a support
group as the point at which real progress began. “I’ve always
known I wasn’t alone in this struggle,” said one, “but it was
an entirely different thing to actually sit in the room with others
and talk openly about this emotionally charged part of our lives.
We were all in the same boat and each of us drew strength from
the connection. It didn’t have to be this taboo struggle that
I kept pent up inside anymore.” Communication and collaboration
can be so vital to the process of becoming free that my colleague
Dan Gray claims that “secrecy is the life blood of addiction.”
Some
people reason that, rather than working with others, they can
receive all of the help they need from the Lord himself. While
I admire their faith, President Spencer W. Kimball has taught:
“God does notice us, and he watches over us. But it is usually
through another mortal that he meets our needs” (The Teachings
of Spencer W. Kimball, ed. Edward L. Kimball, 1982, 252).
By working together, we are able to draw upon the powers of heaven
in a unique way. The Savior Himself promised, “Verily, verily,
I say unto you, as I said unto my disciples, where two or three
are gathered together in my name, as touching one thing, behold,
there will I be in the midst of them—even so am I in the midst
of you” (D&C 6:32).
Perhaps we resist reaching out not so much because we depend
on the Lord, but because we want to control other people’s opinions
of us and hope to continue to “cover our sins” (D&C 121:37).
Of course, we must exercise restraint and discretion as we consider
who should know about our struggles (“The Atonement, Repentance,
and Dirty Linen,” Lynn A. Mickelsen, Ensign, Nov. 2003,
10-13). Perhaps only a select few need to know. Furthermore, even
when we approach the process of disclosure thoughtfully, there’s
no guarantee things will turn out well. Nonetheless, it is important
to recognize those times when honesty is essential. When we continue
to keep a secret, particularly from a spouse, we are buying into
the destructive myth that “damage control” is a reasonable alternative
to behavioral control.
14.
Face the Feelings Your Destructive Habit Has Been Helping You
Avoid
When we experience emotional pain—or even mild discomfort—our
minds root around for something to quickly soothe or distract.
“Bored? Flip on the radio! Embarrassed? Explain yourself! Feeling
unproductive? Go check your email! Left out of a conversation?
Tell yourself you don’t care! Feeling uneasy? Go watch some TV!”
Our Savior doesn’t always offer us a way out of pain, but his
hand is extended to us as we go through discomfort. Our emotions
can be intimidating, but when we allow ourselves to experience
them we discover, sometimes to our amazement, that they don’t
kill us. As we receive strength from the Lord instead, we become
less dependent on our destructive habits. We become acquainted
with God in our extremities and are strengthened by the process.
We will be less dependent on a fire escape and more able to tolerate
the heat. Then our lives can once again be directed by choice
instead of by compulsion.
15.
Appreciate the Advantages of Having Faced Such a Difficult Struggle
Athletes who’ve trained at high altitude and then return
to sea level to compete find that they have more stamina. Something
similar happens to people who develop the strength to overcome
a deeply ingrained destructive habit. They end up being able to
apply in almost every other area of life the skills and tools
and muscles they developed climbing out of their least favorite
hole. They couldn’t completely overcome their habit until they
learned to exercise more patience, love, gentleness, and persistence
than ever before. They couldn’t succeed until they’d risked reaching
out to and depending on others in ways they never had before.
And they can’t keep avoiding their destructive behavior by living
anything less than a balanced life.
Those of us who are “easily beset” by certain sins might
prefer a magic bullet, a single key that could free us once and
for all from our addictive pull. Instead, in order to succeed
in such struggles we must bring our entire lives into alignment
with the principles and powers of heaven. Perhaps this is one
reason God doesn’t take away our “thorn in the flesh” (2 Corinthians
12:7) in one grand transformation. While the journey of change
can be arduous and at times very frustrating, it can be through
this very process that our lives progress toward becoming sanctified.
Many consider the process worth the price; when they consider
the overall quality of their new lives, they wouldn’t trade the
pain they’ve been through if it meant giving up what they’ve gained.
I wish you success as you apply these principles in your efforts
to make important changes in your life. I’m confident that the
payoff will be worth your hard work.
* * *
Copyright
2004, Mark D. Chamberlain. This article may be copied and distributed,
providing that the following author contact information is included:
Mark Chamberlain, Ph.D. is a Salt Lake area psychologist, lecturer,
and author. For ideas on applying the principles discussed in
this article and a schedule of upcoming presentations on this
topic go to www.turningpointi.com.
